Calling step daughter manipulative

[Mumof2babies]

At the weekend I told my partner that step daughter was very manipulative
My partner had to work on Friday as he usually does which means my step daughter stays with me usually there is no problems but this week she decided she didnt want her dad to fo to work so decided to kick up a fuss about it. My partner said to her you knew I had to work stop being silly and he went to work
He asked me how she was so I said I was quite worried as she had refused to eat or anything so he asked her mum if she had been eating okay at home and her mum said she had so shes probably just being a pain
After my partner came back from work he took both the kids to McDonald's and surprisingly she ate it no problems
I told him when they had gone to bed that I thought she was manipulative and that she had probably done it in the hope he would come home from work
He didnt take it too well but thats exactly how I see it

So, there's a 9yo child.

Who 4 days a week only sees her mother for a maximum of 3 hours?
Then currently, every other weekend, only sees dad on the Sunday?
And the rest of the week sees him maybe in the morning, and possibly a couple of hours in evening? (Not sure of hours)

So currently the majority of her time is actually spent with a childminder or step mum?

I think if I was 9 and didn't see mum apart from breakfast and just before bed, and then didn't see dad much either... I'd be inclined to try and 'manipulate' the situation to try and see more of them to be honest!!

It sounds like she was maybe testing boundaries, which is normal for kids. Your partner dealt with the pushing of boundaries calmly and made sure they were maintained. I don't think using words like "manipulative" is helpful.

Do you think playing tit for tat with insults about each other’s children is normal or healthy?

If you don’t want to look after when he’s working then just tell him that. If you split up - inevitable I’d say - he’ll have to arrange his work and his contact with his daughter himself and either change his hours, job or contact. Being left with you resenting her isn’t doing her any favours.

Those are long days with a childminder, by the weekend she must be exhausted.

You’d do well to step back, think about what you’re happy to cover when he’s not around, be honest, then act accordingly and stick to it. She probably just wants more time with her dad but if he can’t provide that she should be with her mum and he can revise contact/child support as necessary.

The status quo isn’t working.

I'm sure you are a nice person OP but it is clear SD wants to hang out with her dad, rather than step parent. I have a stepM and I'd hate this. When she is older she will probably not want to come round if her dad is not there.

She's 9 and like PP have said her behaviour is extremely normal. Whilst I understand your frustration in her refusing to eat nevertheless many many children do this.

I think I've read through all your posts but could you tell me what you did when she refused her food. Frustrating as it would have been at the point of refusing food the second time she actually needed a bit of softness/understanding from you - this is the best way to defeat her. Being angry would only fuel her tantrum, ignoring her would just lead to her feeling lost/unloved and again fuel her tantrum.

I know its difficult, although I have no stepchildren I do have 3 on the autistic spectrum and even at 14 my son is STILL using food to have tantrums. However if we take your logic of calling your step-daughter manipulative we'd end up calling 2 year olds manipulative - they're unhappy - they throw a tantrum. Seriously nothing has changed. Manipulative is far far more subtle than that.

The poor kid spends loads of time with people that aren't her parents. I'm sure all those people are very lovely and it's not unusual but she's 9 years old, it's the middle if pandemic and she's just had a bad day. It's not manipulative it's just a child trying to control her uncontrollable world.
Stop insulting each others children and take care of the child who is hurting

Poor little girl. Her mum is busy working and doesn’t see her much. Her dad is busy working and doesn’t see her much.
I know that’s the reality for many families but it’s a damn shame.

She’s just crying out for love. And instead of getting that she gets accused of being manipulative. She’s a child. She’s right. She should see her parents. But bills need paid and she won’t understand that till she’s older. So you have to be patient with her and feel empathy.

Her parents need to have a chat with her and tell her how much they love her, as she may see their absence as being because they want to be away from her. Depending on their financial situation, in a more ideal world both would be able to reduce hours slightly so she can have a little more time with them, rather than them have a new car or a five grand holiday or whatever they spend excess money on. Kids should be a priority. They’d enjoy a caravan holiday as they don’t need much, just nice weather and space to run and play.

You are doing them a favour by watching her for free. A childminder costs. But she understandably wants to be with her mum or dad. I get that. If you resent her perhaps she’ll have to go to the childminder when her dad works his two Saturdays a month. If you’re ok with her and just concerned, you did the right thing. He guilt-bought a McDonald’s. He knows he should see her more. Could this be enabled somehow?

I think lots of kids are struggling with the adult world at the moment, normal let off steam activities are either not there or controlled. At 9 nearly 10 she will have massively missed friends and school for the last however months and whilst being at a childminders isn't torture to that age it can feel that way if there are younger kids and no parks or places to visit to break the monotony of it. It is manipulative behaviour (please remember its the behaviour not the child) because she didn't get what she wanted, but are you making her time with you fun? what sort of things does she like doing or want attention for e.g. is she into crafts, reading, lego, barbie type dolls, farm animals or cute animals, minecraft etc are there things you could do together that become your thing with her. Not sure if you have kids of your own but I can understand why she is feeling and behaving the way she is, having said that her reaction is not acceptable and that behaviour needs managing

My partner said to her you knew I had to work stop being silly and he went to work

I told him when they had gone to bed that I thought she was manipulative and that she had probably done it in the hope he would come home from work

You both sound like you're looking at her behaviour from own perspectives instead of from the child's.

Why is it that you both immediately conclude that an upset 9 year old is being manipulative or silly instead of reassuring her and probing why she's upset and how you can help her?

Is it so difficult to believe that a 9 year old isn't out to screw you all over?

She wouldn't starve to death.
Tbf is she is nearly 10 you are only starting on this moody rough ride.
She isn't better with you than the child minder she's probably fed up with something else.
Try not to think of it as manipulative her body and mind is changing the hormones affect her moods for a few years. Goodluck.
Mine is 12 she was so sweet, now she hates she's so moody. I pick my battles i know she's confused there is an end in sight around 15 I think?

Love bomb her it works.❣

She is manipulative, she is most likely doing it for attention. My daughter does massive fake sobs when she doesn’t get her own way sneaking glances to see if it’s having an effect.

You are speaking about your own child? Big difference.

I have 2 adopted DDs of 11 and 8, and this is something they do it a lot. I used to worry a lot about it, but I can now see that they're both very fit (they're both good gymnasts) and very healthy, so it bothers me less now. Their behaviour includes fussiness over food; they'll suddenly decide that they don't like something that they previously had no problems with.

I don't think it's manipulative, but it is about wanting our attention; negative attention is still attention so it's actually encouraging the behaviour, I've found. I used to really worry, wondering whether it was connected to their being adopted, but it's very easy to make everything about adoption when of course that isn't the case.

I'm sure that in your DSD's case, she is craving time with her parents, which is understandable. My DSis was the primary carer for her DSS during his teen years, and it was tough for her (and he was a very well behaved boy normally), but the adults involved were all on the same page, so they made it work. He has 3 younger siblings that my DSis had with his dad, so it could have gone badly wrong, but he's now a lovely, well balanced young man.

I think it's not helpful to put a negative spin on children's behaviour at that age, your DSD's behaviour is very reminiscent of my DD2's behaviour since lockdown.

YWBU, she's just a kid who missed her dad, hardly manipulative ffs

She's a child not even 10 who's missing her father. She hardly gets her father to herself with you and your child hovering over all the time and her father forcing her on you when he should be spending time with her. I think her father needs to prioritise her and spend exclusive time with her and build a relationship with her without you and your child around. She's acting out because she's missing her father. That's not manipulation. Clearly you dislike her as otherwise you would realise this. No wonder she acts out in front of you.
Blended families are very difficult to get right. I often wonder why parents put their happiness over that of their children. The children didn't ask to be born. Why saddle them with a difficult life where they constantly feel like an outsider or a second fiddle because a parent wants to play "happy families"?

Poor child

What an awful way to behave to a young child. You should be ashamed of yourself.

I wouldn't say she was being manipulative but it depends on her age if she is or not. Either way I doubt I'd say that to her parents, if she decided to miss a meal I'd just think she'll be hungry and not make a big deal of it - it's her choice.

She was recently in hospital for mot drinking which caused a massive water infection it's not just a one off it happens regularly

@Mumof2babies

She was recently in hospital for mot drinking which caused a massive water infection it's not just a one off it happens regularly

If you actually wanted opinions, rather than just expecting people to join in slating your step-daughter, you should have mentioned that earlier

It also makes your choice of "manipulative" worse. Clearly she is a child who is upset and needs the adults in her life to address her feelings without dismissing them as manipulative or silly.

Having heard that she's basically dumped with you and the childminder all week, it's not surprising that she would want a parent to spend time with her instead. Poor girl

Taking her to McDonalds has made a repeat of this behaviour more likely unless McDonalds is a regular meal anyway

So basically we have a young girl who wanted her dad..didnt want you just wanted her dad.She got herself into a state because she is too young to have the skills to communiate her feelings and you reckon she is manipulative?Give over,,,poor kid. Instead of manipulative try upset, distressed,ignored,desperate.There are hundreds of words that could be use but not manipulative. I would be more bothered to focus the energy into making her happy and feeling secure.Dad needs to find a way to whatever it takes to give her the time.love.care and attention she craves,at whatever the cost.

The poor kid was just upset.
Calling her manipulative was extremely tactless of you and I would suspect from your lack of understanding you have never had children.

Calling someone's child manipulative was never going to go down well.

All behaviour is communication. Usually in children it is an attempt to get attention - call that manipulative if you like, but it's perfectly normal. I seriously thought you were going to say she was 14 or something, where there is enough cognitive ability for a person to be capable of 'manipulation'. In inverted commas, because that is often what people call a disempowered person's last ditch attempt at communicating something.

This. She's a young child who wants attention. It's not a bad thing to seek attention, it's perfectly natural. Her father really needs to address this and work out how he can help her, especially since she's becoming so dehydrated she's getting UTIs.