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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling step daughter manipulative

161 replies

Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:31

At the weekend I told my partner that step daughter was very manipulative
My partner had to work on Friday as he usually does which means my step daughter stays with me usually there is no problems but this week she decided she didnt want her dad to fo to work so decided to kick up a fuss about it. My partner said to her you knew I had to work stop being silly and he went to work
He asked me how she was so I said I was quite worried as she had refused to eat or anything so he asked her mum if she had been eating okay at home and her mum said she had so shes probably just being a pain
After my partner came back from work he took both the kids to McDonald's and surprisingly she ate it no problems
I told him when they had gone to bed that I thought she was manipulative and that she had probably done it in the hope he would come home from work
He didnt take it too well but thats exactly how I see it

OP posts:
puzzledpiece · 27/07/2020 11:32

Typical 10 year old behaviour.

MintyMabel · 27/07/2020 11:32

but I'd rather her be here than at a childminders which is usually where she is 4 days a week from7am.til 8pm while her mum is at work

Judging much?

If she is being “manipulative” (which is a shitty thing to say about a child) it’s because she is struggling with something. Talking to her might be more effective than slagging her off to her father.

Deliberately not drinking until she ended up in hospital is self harm

Where did OP say it was deliberate? We have a child who despite being nagged daily, will forget to drink. It has caused some medical issues but still she forgets. It isn’t deliberate in any way.

Mittens030869 · 27/07/2020 11:33

Okay, yes, as you have a baby, which I hadn't realised, that wasn't a good suggestion. But would reduced hours be a possibility, or more flexible hours? All I'm saying is that something needs to change, so that her dad is at home when she's there.

lyralalala · 27/07/2020 11:34

@Mumof2babies

No i don't...weve got a newborn baby so we have 3 kids between us when hes nit at work they go out and do things together ...there is literally no point in trying to justify the situation by asking how.much time.shengas on her own with him ..weve been together since she was 3 so it's not a new thing at all shes very used to me being around I'm not a new person in her life
It doesn't matter that you're not new. It's not about you. You could be Mary Poppins and it's still not you she wants

This is a little girl who spends very little time with her mother because of work, and no time alone with her father.

Your use of the word justify is very bizarre. She's a 9 year old girl. She doesn't have to justify how she feels. She just needs the adults in her life to respond to her needs.

She needs a bit of one-on-one time with her Dad. There must be a time when he can take her out and you can spend time with your two DC surely?

She wants her Dad. That's not remotely unreasonable. She's now showing how much by harming herself. All of the adults in her life need to hear what she's saying and help her.

LemonPeonies · 27/07/2020 11:36

That is manipulative behaviour, deliberately omitting food and drinks until daddy comes home and takes them to McDonald's Hmm. But MN believe all stepchildren are angels and bad behaviour should be ignored because their parents are no longer together blah blah..

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 11:36

SHE DOES SPEND TIME WITH HIM ON HER OWN!!!!! ....

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 27/07/2020 11:37

Apologises..i hadnt read update of her not drinking and being in hospital..but i do still disagree with those saying a 10year old is not capable of manipulation...a lot of advise on here seems to be suggesting that she should get her own way and dad shouldnt work a spend time with dd..i cant see how, in anyway, this will solve any problem..surely its sending the message that behaviour like this will be rewarded and therefore enforces a cycle that will only get worse and lead to real problems.Hmm

lyralalala · 27/07/2020 11:38

@Mumof2babies

SHE DOES SPEND TIME WITH HIM ON HER OWN!!!!! ....
Then why not just say that when asked?

Why have you bothered posting? What do you want from the thread?

Mittens030869 · 27/07/2020 11:39

My DDs weren't getting enough time with my DH when his place of work was changed so he had a longer commute. He frequently wasn't back home until 7pm. (With adopted children it's even more important for parents to have time with them.) It's one way in which lockdown helped us, as he's been working from home.

It was just as well. I had long-term COVID symptoms and had to self-isolate from our DDs, until I finally had a negative test after 3 months.

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 27/07/2020 11:47

@LemonPeonies of course all step-children aren't Angel's, nor are all step-parents evil - however: this is a 9 year old child, knowingly putting her health at risk by refusing to eat or drink, that goes beyond a normal tantrum - the fact that shes been in hospital for refusing to eat or drink goes beyond a normal tantrum. I don't know if you grew up with parents who were rarely around, but it is hard and it affects you. Children do need their parents, and as much as of course it is important to work and I am in no way suggesting that the adults in the situation are wrong for working because they have to do that to provide for the family - that doesn't make it any easier on the child nor does that mean she understands it.

I don't think this is necessarily bad behaviour, I think this is a cry for attention which is not the same thing.

AgentJohnson · 27/07/2020 11:48

She is being manipulative because it’s the only language that her Dad hears. She goes to her Dads EOW and in that reduced contact time, she is spending most of it with her step mother. I can’t see why she would be trying to het father’s attention Hmm

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 11:51

We have her every weekend and during summer holidays/ school holidays 2-3 nights during the week ..partner works one Saturday EVERY OTHER weekend for 4 hours 8am til 12pm ..he still has time to do things with her on the Saturday he does work

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 27/07/2020 11:53

Hi OP

If you're looking for genuine advice about this behaviour I'd probably ask mumsnet to delete this thread and start a new one, as i think the information about her doing it before to the point of hospitalization is very relevant.

Calabasa · 27/07/2020 11:56

@Louise91417

Where are people getting "self harm" from? A 10year old skips eating to get her own way, no pattern to this behaviour and people are jumping to diagnose her! In my opinion op she shouldnt have been taken for a mcds as this rewarded her behaviour and will now probably lead to her doing it on a regular basis when things arent just how she likes them..
I'm a Youth Mental Health First Aider.

One of the subjects the course covers is eating disorders, this is 'red flag' behaviour.

Thislittlelady · 27/07/2020 12:13

Is she refused to drink and caused herself an infection bad enough to need hospital then she has an issue already.. calling her manipulative seems a bit infantile. She wants to see her dad. She doesn’t see her mum when at childminders and she comes to dad and is left with her step mum so doesn’t see him either. Give her a break. She’s only ten. She’ll eat when she’s hungry YBBVU

MintyMabel · 27/07/2020 13:04

But MN believe all stepchildren are angels and bad behaviour should be ignored because their parents are no longer together blah blah..

Or MN understand step children have some shit going on in their lives and “bad behaviour” should be viewed through that lens instead of just writing them off as being badly behaved.

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 13:12

I've gathered that I'm basically the wicked witch of the west
When in reality I'm just a normal person trying to do.my best by a child that isn't mine
That I treat the same way as I treat my own kids
If one of mine did the same thing I'd be saying the same thing
All of this shes only 10 is bs
If i were talking about a 2 or a.3 year old then fair enough but 10 year olds have the capability to understand things
She knows that If maybe she plays.up enough daddy will come home
Its nothing to do with hardly seeing her parents as she sees them her mum.has days off during the week shes not a single parent either so that's irrelevant
I don't have to look after her but I do it because it's easier for everyone
Shes told lies to her mum about me and her dad then came here and told lies to us about her mum
Which has then caused an argument between both of her biological parents
She knows how to get what she wants and she does it alot

OP posts:
netflixismysidehustle · 27/07/2020 13:23

You're not an evil stepmother. The word manipulative is not appropriate here. She sounds desperate and starved of attention from her parents.

Her lies etc are a sign that she's insecure and needs both of her parents to give her more attention. They are both are fault here for not coming up with a way that they both spend more time with her. It's very sad.

Codexdivinchi · 27/07/2020 13:27

Parents have to take responsibility of their children’s behaviour. She is a product of her family life and upbringing. The fault lies solely of the feet of the adults around her. She is ten years old. I’ve got shoes older than her

Why do you really think it doesn’t matter that when she comes to stay with her dad he isn’t there most of the time? Why would a child want to stay with some one else who isn’t a parent?

netflixismysidehustle · 27/07/2020 13:29

Presumably OP thought dsd would rather be with her siblings than the other kids at the childminders? She's known dsd since she was 3 and I can imagine a child that age making that choice.

Alltneteabagshavegone · 27/07/2020 13:31

When I was nine I went to go and live with my dad. He decided he needed a better job with more money so got one that involved night shift. So his partner who was living with who had no kids became a accidental frustrated ‘step mother’ who took the brunt of the child rearing because my dad was in bed till 4pm every day then he would leave at 8pm to go work. I hated her and she hated me.

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 13:35

Well with us just having a baby ..I thought that maybe she would prefer to get as much time with the new baby as possible so she could get used to us having to do lots of things with the baby ..nappy changes feeds etc ..during lockdown the day after the baby was born (baby was born end of april) she was here and she stayed for almost a week then came back the following week for a few days ...I've tried to involve her as much as I can ...I've been part of her life for almost 7 years she knows me very well I'm not a stranger ... the child minder is also quite expensive so it saves her mum atleast £50 per day on a weekly basis because she comes here on a Friday rather than the child minder

OP posts:
Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 13:37

I think you’re slightly unrealistic in your expectations of her and the baby. Sorry.

I do think she needs help as it sounds like she is really struggling.

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 13:42

Cant do right for doing wrong here by the looks of it ..if I'd have said she hasnt really been involved with the baby or spent any time with her then you would all be saying that I'm.pushing her out in favour of the baby and she should be allowed.to.spend.as.much time.as.possible with baby
But because I havent done that I'm now unrealistic

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 27/07/2020 13:44

Have you thought that maybe the new baby could well be part of the issue for her here? Even children in a home with both parents can act up when a new baby arrives. They feel pushed out and this little girl barely sees her parents as it is. Now baby is here and needs a lot of attention.

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