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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling step daughter manipulative

161 replies

Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:31

At the weekend I told my partner that step daughter was very manipulative
My partner had to work on Friday as he usually does which means my step daughter stays with me usually there is no problems but this week she decided she didnt want her dad to fo to work so decided to kick up a fuss about it. My partner said to her you knew I had to work stop being silly and he went to work
He asked me how she was so I said I was quite worried as she had refused to eat or anything so he asked her mum if she had been eating okay at home and her mum said she had so shes probably just being a pain
After my partner came back from work he took both the kids to McDonald's and surprisingly she ate it no problems
I told him when they had gone to bed that I thought she was manipulative and that she had probably done it in the hope he would come home from work
He didnt take it too well but thats exactly how I see it

OP posts:
Codexdivinchi · 27/07/2020 13:44

She might know you very well but your not her parent.

I would t ever get with a man who already had children because feelings and emotions are so complex, I had step parents and although one of them was kind to me they might as well of had a neon sign over their head That said ‘I’m not your dad’.

Do not take this personally but see it as something is going wrong in the way the adults are looking after her.

TooLittleTooLate80 · 27/07/2020 13:44

@Mumof2babies

Cant do right for doing wrong here by the looks of it ..if I'd have said she hasnt really been involved with the baby or spent any time with her then you would all be saying that I'm.pushing her out in favour of the baby and she should be allowed.to.spend.as.much time.as.possible with baby But because I havent done that I'm now unrealistic
You don't really seem to have taken on board any potentially helpful comments though and have come across uber defensive with this post.
mccavitythethird · 27/07/2020 13:44

@Mumof2babies

She was recently in hospital for mot drinking which caused a massive water infection it's not just a one off it happens regularly
That's totally different to missing one meal, you should have mentioned it in your OP. Yes, she needs to drink. If she's choosing not to then you need to tell her parents as a matter of urgency and not accuse her of being manipulative.

Are you posting out of concern for your step daughter or because you want us to agree with you how terribly manipulative she is?

Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 13:47

It’s not about what you thought though. It’s about her.

toobusytothink · 27/07/2020 13:49

Well the question you asked was about calling her manipulative. I voted YABU. As did the majority. Perhaps your initial post should have been different if you didn’t want these responses...

Codexdivinchi · 27/07/2020 13:50

She was recently in hospital for mot drinking which caused a massive water infection it's not just a one off it happens regularly

I missed this. If her refusing to drink whilst in your care isn’t telling you that this child has problems then I don’t think your right person to be looking after her. Her dad needs to rearrange his hours.

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 13:53

@Codexdivinchi

She was recently in hospital for mot drinking which caused a massive water infection it's not just a one off it happens regularly

I missed this. If her refusing to drink whilst in your care isn’t telling you that this child has problems then I don’t think your right person to be looking after her. Her dad needs to rearrange his hours.

Errm excuse me ..I have my own children....I'm. It some person that doesnt know how to look after a child ...
OP posts:
BilboBercow · 27/07/2020 13:54

I don't think you should be referring to an upset child as manipulative and I don't think you should be having a dig at her resident parent because she has to work to put a roof over their head.

Namechange8471 · 27/07/2020 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/07/2020 13:59

I missed this. If her refusing to drink whilst in your care isn’t telling you that this child has problems then I don’t think your right person to be looking after her. Her dad needs to rearrange his hours.

What a load of patronising shite. This girl has 2 parents aswell you know FFS.

Yes op she is being manipulative.

Smurfy23 · 27/07/2020 14:03

She was upset. Rightly or wrongly she was and she was showing that upset. And she is well within her rights to show that she was upset.

Just because its written in your husbands contract doesnt make it less upsetting for her that she wanted to see her dad and she couldnt. You both may be used to it but that doesnt mean that she is nor that she has the brain capacity to just accept that that is how it has to be.

If this is a one off type thing then yabvu. If this happens regularly then id say you are less unreasonable but that maybe all of you need to look at the deal your dsd is getting in life as, based on your depiction of things, she spends most of her time either with her childminder or her step mum (who calls her manipulative). Id probably feel a bit shortchanged too tbh.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/07/2020 14:07

You both may be used to it but that doesnt mean that she is nor that she has the brain capacity to just accept that that is how it has to be.

She is nearly 10, she is perfectly capable of understanding that her dad needs to work for god sake.
It doesn't matter of it was some off or not. Not eating to get your own way is basically hunger strike and done to make someone give in and do what you want because they are worried about you. That manipulative regardless of her age.

OP you are only getting these reactions because you are a step mother.

00100001 · 27/07/2020 14:10

@Smileyaxolotl1

Yanbu and you’re getting a really hard time here I think. She is manipulative, she is most likely doing it for attention. My daughter does massive fake sobs when she doesn’t get her own way sneaking glances to see if it’s having an effect. I understand that it’s not a nice word but it is exactly what she is being. It’s also massively common so is not something to worry about unless it continues frequently. And it didn’t sound like you were criticising the mum for working to me. You were just rebutting all the posters who said you shouldn’t be looking after her.
Yes, she's doing it for attention.

Bit you have to bask WHY.

BertiesLanding · 27/07/2020 14:10

OP, are you aware that you refer to your SD very differently than you do your kids?

Are you aware that a baby in a step-child's life (any child's life, but a SC particularly so) can be incredibly emotionally and psychologically disruptive?

Are you aware that your own eating disorder may be in the way of your being able to see and deal with your SD's own behaviour?

Are you aware that you say very clearly that you look after her because "it's easier for everyone" - not, perhaps, because you want to, or because you love her, or because you're her step-parent?

You are an unreliable witness to your own behaviour in this, and so you are poorly equipped to deal with your SD's own cries for help. And it is help that she needs, because it's clear that none of her care-givers are currently able to provide this to her adequately.

Louise91417 · 27/07/2020 14:12

Op i really dont think you are going to get any useful advice on this thread. A lot of people like to assume what they would do in your situation having never actually been in your situation. Being a step mum is one of the hardest things to get right..i have no doubt you have your dsd best interests at heart and i, having first hand experience agree with a lot of what you are saying but on mn you will never be able to do right if you are a step parent and most of the opinions come from people who do not have step children and have no idea of the challenges step parents have to endure. If you had posted that dsd was actually your dd i imagine the advice would have been totally differentHmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2020 14:13

There have been several comments of great value. Why are you becoming so defensive instead of heeding the. advice?

00100001 · 27/07/2020 14:15

Being SM must be difficult.

But look at what is happening in the child's life... Doesn't see mum much, doesn't see dad much, dad has new baby, step mum possibly spending a bit more time with new baby...so less time with step-mum...

She's probably feeling a little lost right now.

Want is Dad doing to help support his daughter through this obviously difficult time???

chubbyhotchoc · 27/07/2020 14:16

Crikey if that's your worst crime I'd say you're doing well. Being a step mother is tough

Bodgedboxdye · 27/07/2020 14:20

I wouldn’t say it’s manipulation as nothing was gained.

She didn’t eat all day, she suffered, not you.

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 14:27

I don't refer to her differently at all ...if my eldest was being a nob I'd say hes being a nob...and yes he is a nob quite often . I'm.often telling him off or other things I very rarely tell my step daughter off only if I have to i actually probably treat her alot differently to my eldest ..I'm.quite hard on him when it comes to behaviour where as I let things slide with her a little bit more ..if my eldest is being abit unkind to her he will get told off but when she does it to him i very rarely say anything because I feel that it isn't my place to tell her off or send her to her room ..I've never said anything in front.of her that I say to my partner and I never would ..I domt.lock her in a cupboard and slice toast under the door I'm not some kind of wicked witch that doesnt want her around or that doesnt like her

OP posts:
conduitoffortune · 27/07/2020 14:34

What's with all the cries of 'this poor child', because she goes to a childminder and her dad works Saturdays? That's life for thousands and thousands of children, mine included. I wouldn't accept behaviour like that from my DC, having a paddy because I had to work, and the only reason OP is being criticised is because she is a step parent so on MN will always be wrong just by virtue of her existence.

stepmumSW5 · 27/07/2020 15:12

@conduitoffortune thank you for this. A lot of times we display the exact same behavior as biomoms but get disproportionately criticized for it

Happyheartlovelife · 27/07/2020 15:20

She’s 10. Not 21!

She doesn’t understand that being sad about her dad might make her not want to eat. I’ve a terrible appetites. I don’t even eat dinner. Not at all. I snack. But it’s nothing psychological. Mine is medical. However she’s 10! Kids don’t generally get to be manipulative till the logical part of the brain kicks in. Which is around 13. So her not eating she couldn’t associate with doing that so her dad comes home really.

Also you say he took BOTH children out? So if her plan indeed was to spend more time with her father A. It didn’t work. He didn’t come home from work. So she couldn’t have been manipulative. Also b. He took another child out with him. So it didn’t work there either

Think about it. Logically.....

Happyheartlovelife · 27/07/2020 15:22

However. She is only 10. So the water thing. That’s easy

You need to make up drinks for her to drink. I’d see if you could get an appointment with a gp. So he/she can explain how water works in the body and why we need it etc

But her her own bottle. Get it so she chooses. Have races. See who can drink more. Give rewards

It’s incredibly important that she drinks.

Happyheartlovelife · 27/07/2020 15:22

It’s up to the parents to inforce that.