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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling step daughter manipulative

161 replies

Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:31

At the weekend I told my partner that step daughter was very manipulative
My partner had to work on Friday as he usually does which means my step daughter stays with me usually there is no problems but this week she decided she didnt want her dad to fo to work so decided to kick up a fuss about it. My partner said to her you knew I had to work stop being silly and he went to work
He asked me how she was so I said I was quite worried as she had refused to eat or anything so he asked her mum if she had been eating okay at home and her mum said she had so shes probably just being a pain
After my partner came back from work he took both the kids to McDonald's and surprisingly she ate it no problems
I told him when they had gone to bed that I thought she was manipulative and that she had probably done it in the hope he would come home from work
He didnt take it too well but thats exactly how I see it

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 27/07/2020 10:51

YANBU. Deliberately choosing to not eat or drink, especially when she knows the consequences to her health is the textbook definition of manipulative.

I think people are upset at your use of that particular word instead of one more associated with children such as “tantrum”.

But the thing is: tantrums are recognized forms of manipulative behaviour. It’s all the same.

BlingLoving · 27/07/2020 10:53

Jesus OP. Talk about burying the lead here. So you're focused on her supposed manipulative behaviour instead of the fact that she's so upset she's doing something that might actually harm her (ie self harm)? The previous comments about her being a young child who clearly feels she doesn't see enough of her parents still stand. But now the problem is more serious because it's actually causing her to self harm - at this age, I'd expect her to be able to understand that not drinking could land up in another trip to hospital.

Amazing that you're all not taking this a bit more seriously as the cry for help it usually is.

Flowers009 · 27/07/2020 10:53

Honestly she is 9 and just having a tantrum. I don't think this is bad behaviour for a 9 Yr old

GreenTeaMug · 27/07/2020 10:54

She is 9. She does not have the emotional skills yet to say what it is she needs in away that you understand- or possibly even that she understands. So she is demonstrating distress and it is manifesting like this.

I think a little mroe care and love and understanding is overdue.

And maybe her dad can put in some annual leave days when she is about. Kids need to know they are a priority sometimes.

Hamm87 · 27/07/2020 10:55

Sorry i agree with op she decided to manipulate the situation to try and get her own way it didn't work however he also shouldn't of took her to McDonald's as this was rewarding the behaviour at 9 she know what she is doing but also requires love and care

ContessaferJones · 27/07/2020 10:59

I don't understand the anger at the word manipulative. My kids have been attempting to manipulate us since they were tiny. All kids do it. All adults do it. Humans are manipulative (and cats, and dogs, and probably birds).....

Sounds to me like she had a strop and followed through with it tbh, and you can see why - sounds like she hardly sees her parents, poor kid.

Calabasa · 27/07/2020 11:02

if she is repeatedly doing this, on purpose, its not manipulation, its a form of Self Harm, and quite frankly, you and the whole parenting unit need to have a sit down and talk about how to tackle this before it escalates and becomes entrenched behaviour.

Bella2020 · 27/07/2020 11:02

It sounds like more than simple attention seeking to me, OP, but you're on a hiding to nothing asking on here. Step mothers get a rough time here.

Mittens030869 · 27/07/2020 11:05

This update shows that it's actually far more serious than you initially said and makes you sound really unkind. Your DSD really is self-harming, as she's getting deliberately dehydrated. my DD1 has done similar to this by refusing to drink and it drove me to despair when she was a toddler, and we still have to make sure she drinks enough. Thankfully, it's never got so bad, though.

This poor girl is crying out for love; she spends so little time with her parents so she's self-harming to get her parents' attention.

She needs help and needs it now.

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 11:10

I've been through an eating disorder myself it started when I was around her age skipping meals to try and get what I wanted and I'll openly admit that I was probably being manipulative to my own parents...eventually it escalated by the time I was 15 I was admitted into hospital so I know exactly what things like this can do to people ..when I told my partner and he said he was going to tell her off I said not to because if there was a problem it would only make it worse I told him to try explain things to her instead...but seeing as her mum then said she was eating and drinking fine at home I saw it as a way of her trying to get her own way (dad coming home from work) because that's what the tantrum was about in the first place

OP posts:
Louise91417 · 27/07/2020 11:10

I would tend to agree with you that it was manipulative behaviour, i have seen first hand how a 10 year old can "steer" a situation to get their own way. Trying to guilt trip an adult out of working by not eating then wolfing down a mcds is manipulation..not a childish tantrum but your the wicked step mum on mn so it will be dressed up and sugar coatedWink

feistyoneyouare · 27/07/2020 11:14

YANBU OP but surely you know that on MN stepparents are always, always in the wrong?

Louise91417 · 27/07/2020 11:17

Where are people getting "self harm" from? A 10year old skips eating to get her own way, no pattern to this behaviour and people are jumping to diagnose her! In my opinion op she shouldnt have been taken for a mcds as this rewarded her behaviour and will now probably lead to her doing it on a regular basis when things arent just how she likes them..

lyralalala · 27/07/2020 11:18

The child is harming herself in a bid for attention. Just because you did similar doesn't mean it's exactly the same. She hardly spends any quality time with either of her parents.

How much time does she spend with her Dad on her own?

lyralalala · 27/07/2020 11:19

@Louise91417

Where are people getting "self harm" from? A 10year old skips eating to get her own way, no pattern to this behaviour and people are jumping to diagnose her! In my opinion op she shouldnt have been taken for a mcds as this rewarded her behaviour and will now probably lead to her doing it on a regular basis when things arent just how she likes them..
Deliberately not drinking until she ended up in hospital is self harm

At least read all of the OP's posts before having a pop at people.

Mittens030869 · 27/07/2020 11:20

When my BIL was a single dad before he and my DSis got together, he reduced his working hours so that he could focus on his DS. It was costly financially (he'd already had to buy out his exW) but it paid dividends and he could increase his hours when he married my DSis and when his DS's DM became more involved. It helped that there were grandparents on the scene as well.

I think the dad here has to start focusing on being a parent, and be prepared to use his annual leave, and maybe some unpaid leave.

Pinkginhelps · 27/07/2020 11:20

This little girl wants to see more of her dad. She has worked out that refusing to drink or eat will make him feel guilty. She is doing this to punish him for not being there and to punish you, the step mum, for being there. When families split or are blended, the adults get to make the choices and then they expect the children to just fit in and accept the situation and the new people in their lives. Children in this situation rightly feel they have no say or no control. Her behaviour wasn't bad although it most certainly was manipulative.

You are not a bad person for feeling exasperated about this. it sounds like you do a lot for the little girl. It perhaps wasn't very wise to express this frustration to your stepdaughter's dad. He no doubt feels guilty already - thus the McDonalds.

Perhaps next time, try to imagine how your stepdaughter is feeling OP. Try not to take her behaviour personally, no matter how annoying and frustrating it can doubtless be.
Persist with kindness and sympathy, don't be over the top as that will not help either, just be quietly gentle towards her and let her know that you understand that she is sad.
Keep offering food and drink but don't get upset if she refuses. In her world full of instability and loss, be the constant. Let her know that you care even if you can't fix the situation.

Your reward may well be that in time, she relaxes and enjoys being with you. If not, well, at least your conscience will be clear and you will be comfortable that your actions have done nothing to add to this little girls pain.

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 11:24

Take unpaid leave? Have I tried to provide for 3 kids runs house and pay bills with no income? I'm.sorry but that is the stupidest thing ibe ever read

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2020 11:25

@Mumof2babies

I've been through an eating disorder myself it started when I was around her age skipping meals to try and get what I wanted and I'll openly admit that I was probably being manipulative to my own parents...eventually it escalated by the time I was 15 I was admitted into hospital so I know exactly what things like this can do to people ..when I told my partner and he said he was going to tell her off I said not to because if there was a problem it would only make it worse I told him to try explain things to her instead...but seeing as her mum then said she was eating and drinking fine at home I saw it as a way of her trying to get her own way (dad coming home from work) because that's what the tantrum was about in the first place
As you’ve been through it, you should know how this feels.

As you know, it was a cry for help and the only means you had of control. Eating disorders make the person behave in sneaky and manipulative ways. Fundamentally different from calling a child manipulative.

Can you not see the ways it is different to describe your own behaviour at 15 as perhaps manipulative and a primary aged child herself manipulative?

How would you rather adults have treated you? Argued about you, called you manipulative or given you love, reassurance, understanding and tried to deal with the situation?

lyralalala · 27/07/2020 11:25

@Mumof2babies

Take unpaid leave? Have I tried to provide for 3 kids runs house and pay bills with no income? I'm.sorry but that is the stupidest thing ibe ever read
Do you work?

How much time does she actually spend on her own with her Dad?

Toilenstripes · 27/07/2020 11:26

Poor kid wants to see her parents more and she will be well aware that you don’t like her. How long have you been with her dad?

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 27/07/2020 11:28

Calling a child manipulative or labelling them at all isn’t great.

I agree it was just a child having a strop.

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 11:29

No i don't...weve got a newborn baby so we have 3 kids between us when hes nit at work they go out and do things together ...there is literally no point in trying to justify the situation by asking how.much time.shengas on her own with him ..weve been together since she was 3 so it's not a new thing at all shes very used to me being around I'm not a new person in her life

OP posts:
avocadotofu · 27/07/2020 11:29

She's trying to communicate how's she's feeling. I don't think a child that young is yet able to be manipulative in the same way an adult is nThe fact that she ended up in hospital because she wasn't drinking suggests that there is something going on that needs to be worked on. Your eating disorder also sounds like it was a call for help or attention from your parents rather than simply trying to manipulate them.

Savingshoes · 27/07/2020 11:31

I think it's more along the lines that your DP needs to step up and parent his children on the few occasions he has the opportunity. She's not going to be a child forever and she's going to remember being palmed off to her step mother on most visits.