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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling step daughter manipulative

161 replies

Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:31

At the weekend I told my partner that step daughter was very manipulative
My partner had to work on Friday as he usually does which means my step daughter stays with me usually there is no problems but this week she decided she didnt want her dad to fo to work so decided to kick up a fuss about it. My partner said to her you knew I had to work stop being silly and he went to work
He asked me how she was so I said I was quite worried as she had refused to eat or anything so he asked her mum if she had been eating okay at home and her mum said she had so shes probably just being a pain
After my partner came back from work he took both the kids to McDonald's and surprisingly she ate it no problems
I told him when they had gone to bed that I thought she was manipulative and that she had probably done it in the hope he would come home from work
He didnt take it too well but thats exactly how I see it

OP posts:
Tinamou · 27/07/2020 08:57

Kids do this kind of thing for attention. Yes she probably was doing it on purpose because she didn't want her dad to go to work, but 'manipulative' is a very emotionally loaded word to describe fairly typical behaviour.

squanderedcore · 27/07/2020 08:57

Pinkyredrose I think you have misread the op.

OP yabvu. This is a nine-year old you are talking about. It's not hard to understand that she is using food to assert control over a situation where she has none.

Original poster
Mumof2babies · 27/07/2020 08:57

He has to work every other Saturday it's in his contract it has always been that way.. it's fine saying she spends too much time with me but I'd rather her be here than at a childminders which is usually where she is 4 days a week from7am.til 8pm while her mum is at work

OP posts:
Justjoshin22 · 27/07/2020 08:59

I agree with the posters above. She’s only 10 and usually fine, as you say. Manipulative is a loaded word and suggests deliberately playing on emotions to get what you want. Its a bit much to accuse a little girl of. She’s probably just having a bit of a sulk, so what.
Also, not great that your partner is calling your child names either.

Livelovebehappy · 27/07/2020 09:04

Kind of not necessary to refer to her dm leaving her with child minder 7 til 8 four days a week. Feels like you’re having a dig there. Unfortunately when a single parent, this is what you have to do to pay the bills. I hope you to don’t refer to this to your SD negatively.

stepmumSW5 · 27/07/2020 09:04

@Mumof2babies from my own experience she was just trying to get attention from daddy. My DSD stays with us more than half of the time and he still does "tricks" to get his way. Eg. He will say he has a tummy ache to stop eating once he gets bored of lunchtime, he will say he doesn't feel well when daddy needs to go out etc. It's important to show them you care but not fall for those things. He does the same with biomom but she does whatever he wants.

ChristmasFluff · 27/07/2020 09:05

All behaviour is communication. Usually in children it is an attempt to get attention - call that manipulative if you like, but it's perfectly normal. I seriously thought you were going to say she was 14 or something, where there is enough cognitive ability for a person to be capable of 'manipulation'. In inverted commas, because that is often what people call a disempowered person's last ditch attempt at communicating something.

It sounds like you are both choosing to believe the worst of eachother's children and are expressing it to eachother by calling them names, and that is a recipe for disaster.

It's a shame this latest incident hasn't led your partner to end the relationship, because that is what would be best for you all, especially your children.

Mydogisthebestest · 27/07/2020 09:05

What’s wrong with her childminder?

Fishfingersandwichplease · 27/07/2020 09:07

I would say she was trying her luck more than being manipulative - being a step parent can be such a nightmare, you can't do right for doing wrong. When my stepson used to play up, my DH was always reluctant to address it because he felt guilty about leaving so he would have got away with all sorts if l hadn't have stepped in. And before anyone thinks it isn't your place to, if you are looking after them and they are in your house, then it is your place! You and Dh need to be in the same page so if she does become manipulative it can be nipped in the bud.

Pesimistic · 27/07/2020 09:07

Unfortunatly children dont have the ability to communicate their feelings so will act out if they feel their needs arent being met, something is unfair ect, instead of putting our adult expectations on children we should try and understand what might be causing them to behave in these ways. Talk and listen, dont rush for an answer or put words into their mouths for example. If she refused to eat all day, that's fine, just say when she wants something then she can ask ect, dont punish her for it. Shes not harming anyone but her self and just pushing the boundaries it may be manipulative but she doens thave the capacity to communicate or understand her own feelings right now. An adult would refuse food or drink all day because someone had gone to work, because we know that work is important and we would be able to manage our feelings

Smileyaxolotl1 · 27/07/2020 09:10

Yanbu and you’re getting a really hard time here I think.
She is manipulative, she is most likely doing it for attention. My daughter does massive fake sobs when she doesn’t get her own way sneaking glances to see if it’s having an effect. I understand that it’s not a nice word but it is exactly what she is being. It’s also massively common so is not something to worry about unless it continues frequently.
And it didn’t sound like you were criticising the mum for working to me. You were just rebutting all the posters who said you shouldn’t be looking after her.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/07/2020 09:11

Why did you tell him you were worried?

Unless there were other symptoms of illness, an almost-10 year old can go all day without for (or even a drink) without ill-effects.

Let her have her paddy.

MahaMoon · 27/07/2020 09:13

@Mumof2babies

He has to work every other Saturday it's in his contract it has always been that way.. it's fine saying she spends too much time with me but I'd rather her be here than at a childminders which is usually where she is 4 days a week from7am.til 8pm while her mum is at work
Sounds like she would be better of staying with the child minder. She’s obviously upset and trying to get attention - completely normal for her age. She’s showing she doesn't want to be with you When her dads not there. I don’t see the point in this comment tbh. Her mother needs to leave her with a childminder to work. Why even bring it up?
MysteryParcels · 27/07/2020 09:13

You're the step parent. Saying anything even mildly critical of a child to their biological parent is risky as fuck.

Plus it's just unhelpful to label the bergamot of a 10 year old as manipulative. Much more helpful would be for her dad to have a few kind words with her about why she refused food and drink until he came home, and perhaps make some tweaks. She sounds like she has a lot of instability in her life for a 10 year old to deal with.

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 27/07/2020 09:20

It doesn't sound like a great situation all round if both of you think nothing of insulting each others children. A 9 year old acting like a 9 year old isn't being manipulative - yes he has to work but actually at 9 years old alot of children won't fully understand that. My mum is a teacher, she had to attend meetings and mark books etc. At 9 years old I hugely resented the fact that she didn't have time to actually give me any attention. Saying that she is being manipulative implies that she has thought out her actions and is behaving in a certain way for a specific and goal when in fact she more than likely was just acting out of frustration that her dad - who she doesn't see all the time - has in her eyes seemingly chosen to work over spending time with her (at 9 she may not completely understand that it isn't a choice).

lyralalala · 27/07/2020 09:24

So she's a 9yo girl with both her parents working long hours

Hardly surprising she has a strop every now and again. It's how children express themselves before they have the maturity to discuss things that are bothering them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/07/2020 09:27

Her dad told her to stop being silly. Well that’s the first problem. Horrible and dismissive thing to say to a child. As for calling a 9 yo manipulative, that isn’t going to end well and is putting an adult understanding on a child. As a pp said, she didn’t eat and drink until he came back. That is worrying. She communicated her upset by controlling the only thing she is able to - her body. You both need to deal with that instead of trying to blame a young child.

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 27/07/2020 09:29

She sounds upset/has no control over situation. She is just a child who wanted to be with her Dad, very manipulative isn't a nice way to explain what is happening. Its possible she is picking up what you are thinking about her.

I think I'd just be reassuring her that you know she is upset/wants to see her Dad. Ignoring the behaviour (not appearing worried that she is not eating). Distraction.

BertiesLanding · 27/07/2020 09:35

No wonder your step-daughter is "manipulative" - she hardly sees her fucking parents.

BertiesLanding · 27/07/2020 09:36

@Mumof2babies

We have her every weekend and during summer holidays we have her 2-3 nights a week so shes very used to being with me while her dad is at work..and to be honest the partner has called my child a few things before now
Are there any adults in this picture at all?

She is making her feelings known, and I can see why.

BlingLoving · 27/07/2020 09:37

YABU. I don't really get this. Arguably, all children are manipulative at some level, but usually not very effectively. DD told me yesterday that she wasn't going to cuddle me until she went to sleep if I didn't let her have more iPad time. I had to attempt not to cheer.

The point is that she doesn't have the skills to express herself or to try find ways to get what she wants. She also gets upset because her dad is not around. Not eating all day was her way of trying to deal with this. TO use such a loaded term as "manipulative" is unnecessary.

If it had been me in a situation like that, I'd have probably gone to her and given her cuddle and told her I know it's hard when daddy is working, but he can't wait to see her when he gets home and maybe we can do something fun in the meantime.

Boomclaps · 27/07/2020 09:39

SHE’S NINE.
God alive.

Boomclaps · 27/07/2020 09:39

@BlingLoving

YABU. I don't really get this. Arguably, all children are manipulative at some level, but usually not very effectively. DD told me yesterday that she wasn't going to cuddle me until she went to sleep if I didn't let her have more iPad time. I had to attempt not to cheer.

The point is that she doesn't have the skills to express herself or to try find ways to get what she wants. She also gets upset because her dad is not around. Not eating all day was her way of trying to deal with this. TO use such a loaded term as "manipulative" is unnecessary.

If it had been me in a situation like that, I'd have probably gone to her and given her cuddle and told her I know it's hard when daddy is working, but he can't wait to see her when he gets home and maybe we can do something fun in the meantime.

Perfect response
Angrywife · 27/07/2020 09:44

Unless there's way more to this that you're not saying, and history of similar, it is ridiculous that you would come to this conclusion after this incident.
She is 9yrs of age. She is living through a pandemic that has seen the world turned on its head. She missed her Dad.
Cut the kid some slack!

timetest · 27/07/2020 09:44

She’s nine. Her Mother works long hours and Father usually works 6 days a week. I’m not surprised she wants to spend a bit of time with a parent.