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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she stabbed be me in the back pretending it was concern.

192 replies

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 14:14

I recently left a job last month under bad terms with the management. I had being there a year. Anyway I'm not going to go into the details but within a week I clashed badly over the management on the Monday which escalated to the Wednesday and by the Friday I decided to give in my resignation following another telling off which I didn't agree with from mght.

I was with a colleague I made good mates with [we were both newbies and started together] when I decided to resign and was upset. I emailed by resignation to HR and was in my office and it was the end of the day. I was crying a little but but told her I was ok and wanted to be alone for a bit.

Anyway next I get a call from the mgmt. who want me in their office. I was totally not expecting this and realty didn't want to as I was about to leave and I'd a tear stained face and did not want to see the management[remember it was a mgmt. team I didn't get on with].

They asked me was I ok at the meeting and I sat there like an complete idiot and totally humiliated that they saw me like this. It turns out she'd went down and told them. She hadn't even told me only the boss told me, I said I was fine and left. Now I know people will say she just wanted to check you were ok but after I was really angry at her [although never said] and me and my mate both agreed she was doing it to suck up to the mgmt. and look all caring but it was self serving and she'd no right to do that. AIBU or can anybody see my point?

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 26/07/2020 19:57

Maybe consider some anger management or interpersonal skills training OP because genuinely your messages sound incredibly erratic and dramatic.

Doing some mindfulness or breathing exercises at home to try and separate your work and home life can be helpful, as it's all too easy to carry the stress / headspace / mood caused by one into the other.

You sound like you're a million miles an hour and need to take a breath, step back and let go of this. It's done now. You feel she handled it badly and that her intentions were self serving and unkind.

You've posted asking if you're being unreasonable to think that and anyone who has said yes, they think you are has been met with aggression or overly defensive replies.

So why post? You're winding yourself up even more because people aren't agreeing with you, but they are strangers on the internet who you asked for opinions. Not strangers who have knocked on your door and told you they think you're being an eejit.

I assumed you were very young and new to the working world but have just seen that's not the case. So some calming techniques could be hugely useful for you and it sounds harsh but please do consider that the problem isn't always other people.

AllsortsofAwkward · 26/07/2020 19:57

It happened a month ago let it go

rwalker · 26/07/2020 20:01

Your pissed off will the whole work situation and taking some of it out on her .

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 26/07/2020 20:02

@Atadaddicted

“Any one else think there’s a management team and their team that’s going to be heading in to work feeling in the best mood for over a year?! grin“

Haha! Yes! Grin

Mummadeeze · 26/07/2020 20:03

I feel sorry for your colleague, it sounds like she was trying to be nice. Maybe she handled the situation differently to how you would have done but that doesn’t mean she had bad intentions.

Trinketsfor20 · 26/07/2020 20:17

The more this OP posts the more I feel her workplace has dodged a bullet. Every post makes her sound progressively worse.

Tistheseason17 · 26/07/2020 20:29

OP - sounds like a lot of people disagree with you but you attack them when they do. Why ask for feedback if it's only affamation you are looking for?

Your life is gonna be pretty hard if this is how you always behave.

Meanwhile, your ex colleague/friend who sees a purpose in life caring for others on a 12 hr shift despite being minted sounds lovely.

FrankieDoyle · 26/07/2020 20:30

Sorry OP but YABU. I dont think she did anything wrong personally.

Atadaddicted · 26/07/2020 20:32

This is a genuinely comedy thread!

smokescreen · 26/07/2020 20:42

I know you're upset op and I hope you truly settle down at your new/old job and forget about the people who hurt you but this thread is EVERYTHING. Backstabbing, tears, office politics, £6 million, friendships turned sour, old employers turning up in the nick of time! I love it!

Stonerosie67 · 26/07/2020 20:43

Your job doesn't involve using grammar and punctuation correctly, does it?

LonelyGir1 · 26/07/2020 20:54

@Trinketsfor20

The more this OP posts the more I feel her workplace has dodged a bullet. Every post makes her sound progressively worse.
This!
flowerpot6 · 26/07/2020 20:56

I understand why it seems humiliating, but I don't think your colleague/friend is the one to blame for any ill treatment you've experienced, whatever her intentions might have been.

It sounds like it was right for you to move on, but she probably didn't have all those details and could be genuinely acting out of concern. Whether this was motivated by brown-nosing isn't relevant, she was a colleague with workplace obligations and not a confidant. It's a HR issue and could result in any kind of outcome.

If I saw a colleague was upset, I'd mention it to management without even questioning it. I'd think that the manager may not be aware that they had upset you, or that you felt so strongly, or that your resignation was a heat of the moment decision and might be worth sleeping on etc.

853690525d · 26/07/2020 20:57

You sound a bit bitter and twisted over this. Let it go. Who cares what she was like. You have other friends, probably.

VodselForDinner · 26/07/2020 21:00

she was being a sneaky mare and humiliated me

Nope, you did that yourself.
Sticking around after work to cry and moan to a colleague is childish and attention-seeking. Just looks like you got attention from the wrong people.

Wouldn’t be surprised to hear that this isn’t the first tome you’ve had run-ins with colleagues or management, or have left a job on bad terms.

Ravenesque · 26/07/2020 21:04

@SrMichael

OP, the reason most of us are not defaulting to the view that your friend was ‘brown-nosing’ to management is that in some cases we are management, and trying to point out that our immediate response to someone showing up and saying another employee was crying at half past five would not be ‘Good egg! What a team player you are!’ No one is thrilled to have trouble landed on them, and no one rewards the messenger of that trouble.

Look, in your shoes, I’d be questioning her motives if she were a workplace enemy or rival, but you say you’re good friends who see one another outside of work and are quite close. Why on earth would you assume she didn’t have your best interests at heart, even if you’re cross at her action?

All of this.
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 26/07/2020 21:07

OP I see now that you worked in a hospital and I'm guessing it was NHS not private.

Never ever ever work for the NHS again - they have a terrible bullying culture - the people who make it to the top in the NHS don't get there because they are cleverer or more hard working than you and I but because they are nasty bullies who don't give a fuck who they tread on on their way to the top. It's why people don't stay there.

Hope you're new job is better (and not an NHS one where you will have the exact same problem)

Crumpets111 · 26/07/2020 21:08

Your making something out of nothing OP, move on!

SeasonFinale · 26/07/2020 21:51

Perhaps OP would do us all the courtesy of letting us know which care home employs such an aggressive person in order that none of our relatives end up being in her care.

MadameMeursault · 26/07/2020 21:53

Your colleague was doing the right thing in reporting her concerns. You sound paranoid.

And you are incredibly defensive and aggressive in your posts - is that how you behave at work?

YABU.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 26/07/2020 22:17

She is now an ex-colleague - presumably you have no reason to continue any contact with her.
Put it down to experience and move on, good luck with your job search.

Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 22:31

Are you really employed by the NHS, op? Where did you work previously that was so desperate to have you back?

MiddlesexGirl · 27/07/2020 00:26

Good grief. So many bullies out on mumsnet tonight. Takes me right back to my schooldays.

Ignore them OP. It seems clear that you were working in a toxic environment. Perhaps the one person you thought was on your side let you down. You are understandably finding it hard to get past it. But in time you will. Just concentrate on the new job and the rest of your life and try not to give the past any more headspace.

Original poster
getherout34 · 27/07/2020 01:14

''I agree with the OP.

It gets the friend brownie points because it shows she is “in the know,” on the management’s side, doesn’t want them to look bad by not being aware of a colleague crying about them potentially in front of others, puts the reputation of the company first and insinuated that they can rely on her for the inside scoop. Plus if she’s looking for a promotion she appears “well networked internally” and “loyal to the firm”''

Yep you articulated my thoughts brilliantly.

OP posts:
Original poster
getherout34 · 27/07/2020 01:18

''It sounds like it was right for you to move on, but she probably didn't have all those details and could be genuinely acting out of concern. Whether this was motivated by brown-nosing isn't relevant, she was a colleague with workplace obligations and not a confidant.''

She did know everything, I had told her and yes she was a confidant-we had become close. I know of many life long close friendships that came from work so the point that friends cannot be made at work is moot. My parents[rip] met at work.

OP posts: