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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she stabbed be me in the back pretending it was concern.

192 replies

getherout34 · 26/07/2020 14:14

I recently left a job last month under bad terms with the management. I had being there a year. Anyway I'm not going to go into the details but within a week I clashed badly over the management on the Monday which escalated to the Wednesday and by the Friday I decided to give in my resignation following another telling off which I didn't agree with from mght.

I was with a colleague I made good mates with [we were both newbies and started together] when I decided to resign and was upset. I emailed by resignation to HR and was in my office and it was the end of the day. I was crying a little but but told her I was ok and wanted to be alone for a bit.

Anyway next I get a call from the mgmt. who want me in their office. I was totally not expecting this and realty didn't want to as I was about to leave and I'd a tear stained face and did not want to see the management[remember it was a mgmt. team I didn't get on with].

They asked me was I ok at the meeting and I sat there like an complete idiot and totally humiliated that they saw me like this. It turns out she'd went down and told them. She hadn't even told me only the boss told me, I said I was fine and left. Now I know people will say she just wanted to check you were ok but after I was really angry at her [although never said] and me and my mate both agreed she was doing it to suck up to the mgmt. and look all caring but it was self serving and she'd no right to do that. AIBU or can anybody see my point?

OP posts:
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/07/2020 19:24

You wanted to walk out of the job with your head held high. You didn't want them to know how upset you were.

Your friend found you upset and let management know. Many others would do this - in my place of work we have a duty to our colleagues and would be expected to support them and let management know there is a problem. If someone were upset then to ignore it would be thought very uncaring and unprofessional.

I think your anger maybe misplaced. It is management that deserve it.

Todaywewilldobetter · 26/07/2020 19:27

I've read this thread twice now and I can't see what she did wrong. Or how it benefited her when you were leaving anyway.
I think maybe, in the kindest way, you've over thought it a bit.
I worked for a boss years ago who used to regularly upset people and I often went in to bat for them! She took a calling out from me whereas she'd have not with others. Along the lines of "what have you done now?" Grin

MrsNoah2020 · 26/07/2020 19:29

@getherout34

''And to everyone saying, 'management needed to be told'. On the occasions a colleague has been upset at work literally no-one has ever gone to tell management - often management are the cause of the upset so it would be entirely inappropriate to tell them. ''

Totally agreed, I've worked since 1991 and have seen lots of colleagues/mates in the workplace e distressed, angry. upset etc over clashes with mgmt. Not for a second would I have ran to mgmt. to report it.

I assumed you were in your early 20s. Your view of workplace dynamics is pretty immature.
MintyCedric · 26/07/2020 19:31

IMO, if your colleague knew you were upset due to management, then she was throwing you under the bus to look like a team player.

This.

Presumably she knew what had been going, what had just happened and obviously that you were upset. You explicitly told her you just wanted to be left alone to get your head together.

At a bare minimum your colleague showed a complete disregard for your feelings in the circumstances.

Argggghhneedclarity · 26/07/2020 19:34

Management should be told if there is that kind of relationship or for something not caused by THEM! I agree, OP, that your colleague should have mentioned to you that she wanted to tell mgmt- it does sound like she just wanted to go and tell them- how horrible that you had to sit there in front of them feeling like thatFlowers

Original poster
getherout34 · 26/07/2020 19:36

''I agree, OP, that your colleague should have mentioned to you that she wanted to tell mgmt- it does sound like she just wanted to go and tell them''

exactly she didn't tell me because she knew in her right mind I wouldn't have allowed her, she also wasn't going to tell me she told them only the boss told me. I didn't like it 1 bit.

OP posts:
melj1213 · 26/07/2020 19:39

I've worked since 1991 and have seen lots of colleagues/mates in the workplace e distressed, angry. upset etc over clashes with mgmt. Not for a second would I have ran to mgmt. to report it.

Christ, from the hysterical hyperbolic tone of your posts I thought you were a young graduate or something, not someone in their late forties at least.

Maybe you've just worked in too many hostile environments but whenever anyone I work with has been distressed whilst at work, I have always made someone in a managerial position aware - which is different to report them - especially if they've made big decisions,like resigning, in the heat of the moment.

SoPanny · 26/07/2020 19:41

@getherout34

''This. I’d probably have told them so that they could have the fact they’d reduced someone to tears sink in and to (hopefully) act a bit more contritely.

I’d have been a bit annoyed myself but I think you’re lashing out at the wrong person here OP''

ok so if you told a colleague who you considered a 'friend' how you were upset over conflict with them etc in CONFIDENCE and they went running back to your boss how would you feel?

Don’t bold type me please, I get the general point.
Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 19:42

Why is she still working in such a shithole if she inherited 6 million last year? 🤣

Ravenesque · 26/07/2020 19:43

YABU. She gave a shit about you and was worried. You weren't humiliated, you just had to see management because they were concerned too.

You don't say what the clashes were, so it's hard to say how much management were at fault for you resigning, but none of it is your colleagues fault and you're wrong to blame her for any of this.

Josette77 · 26/07/2020 19:43

I would have been concerned and done the same as her.

Also some people on here are very paranoid. Of course you can make friends at work. I met one of my best friends 15 years ago at work. I have many work friends who are amazing.

Josette77 · 26/07/2020 19:43

Also given you say she's a millionaire who doesn't need to work I doubt she is trying to suck up to management.

Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 19:44

@Terralee

Some of the details you've just given on this thread could be a bit outing OP just to be aware...
Indeed. There can't be many millionaires six times over still doing the old 9 to 5 thing...
Original poster
getherout34 · 26/07/2020 19:46

''Also given you say she's a millionaire who doesn't need to work I doubt she is trying to suck up to management.''

your point is invalidated by the fact that she goes to work at all.

OP posts:
Whatnametochoose85 · 26/07/2020 19:47

I don't understand why people are so intent on flaming the OP. You can make your point without being so vitriolic! Even if you disagree and you think OP is unreasonable there is a nice and diplomatic way to express it. Hope you are ok OP

Original poster
getherout34 · 26/07/2020 19:47

''Why is she still working in such a shithole if she inherited 6 million last year? 🤣''

She says it gave her purpose but agreed if I'd that cash I wouldn't be working in a hospital 12 hours a day cleaning, changing and feeding people.

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 19:48

Come again??

Flyingnutsack · 26/07/2020 19:48

I agree with the OP.

It gets the friend brownie points because it shows she is “in the know,” on the management’s side, doesn’t want them to look bad by not being aware of a colleague crying about them potentially in front of others, puts the reputation of the company first and insinuated that they can rely on her for the inside scoop. Plus if she’s looking for a promotion she appears “well networked internally” and “loyal to the firm”

SrMichael · 26/07/2020 19:49

OP, the reason most of us are not defaulting to the view that your friend was ‘brown-nosing’ to management is that in some cases we are management, and trying to point out that our immediate response to someone showing up and saying another employee was crying at half past five would not be ‘Good egg! What a team player you are!’ No one is thrilled to have trouble landed on them, and no one rewards the messenger of that trouble.

Look, in your shoes, I’d be questioning her motives if she were a workplace enemy or rival, but you say you’re good friends who see one another outside of work and are quite close. Why on earth would you assume she didn’t have your best interests at heart, even if you’re cross at her action?

Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 19:49

@getherout34

''Also given you say she's a millionaire who doesn't need to work I doubt she is trying to suck up to management.''

your point is invalidated by the fact that she goes to work at all.

Can you explain this? It makes no sense.
Thisismytimetoshine · 26/07/2020 19:51

@Flyingnutsack

I agree with the OP.

It gets the friend brownie points because it shows she is “in the know,” on the management’s side, doesn’t want them to look bad by not being aware of a colleague crying about them potentially in front of others, puts the reputation of the company first and insinuated that they can rely on her for the inside scoop. Plus if she’s looking for a promotion she appears “well networked internally” and “loyal to the firm”

That is a frankly bizarre analysis. Jesus!
Atadaddicted · 26/07/2020 19:51

Any one else think there’s a management team and their team that’s going to be heading in to work feeling in the best mood for over a year?! Grin

Freewillies · 26/07/2020 19:53

Oh grow up. You're a middle aged woman crying at work and putting your notice in because management keep 'telling you off' then 'not being friends' anymore because your mate 'told on you'.

Pathetic.

Original poster
getherout34 · 26/07/2020 19:55

''Any one else think there’s a management team and their team that’s going to be heading in to work feeling in the best mood for over a year?! grin''

why have you resigned?

OP posts:
MilerVino · 26/07/2020 19:56

Astounded so many people can't see why what she did was brown nosing.

OP, when a lot of people are disagreeing with you, it's worth trying to see things from their viewpoint. You're asking AIBU but if anyone disagrees with you, you just criticise them. So what's the point of asking? Do you just want a good gripe to get it out of your system and have everyone agree with you? Or do you want to consider a different viewpoint?

I don't know if she was brown nosing or not. You just seem concerned that management saw you upset. So what? You've left and you have another job.

You've gone into this situation full of conflict. You've come into this thread full of conflict and totally unable to listen to anyone. Maybe, just maybe take a moment to consider that there might be an alternative viewpoint that isn't wrong.