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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Potential trigger* would you tell your DC

154 replies

Newnameforthisone098 · 25/07/2020 10:32

Aibu to not tell my dc (now adults) that the reason I split from their father was that he would regularly attempt to have sex with me while I slept and held me down and raped me at least twice? I left him 18yrs ago. It still bewilders me sometimes.

They know 'he was abusive, treated me badly, and made me extremely sad and unhappy' I have told them these things. They have a good and authentic relationship with him. I wanted them to.. he was twisted and cruel to me in some ways but he has always been loving and supportive to them.
Do they need to know the detail?
What good would it bring?

OP posts:
JollyAndBright · 25/07/2020 10:38

What possible reason could you have to tell them?

They already know he was abusive surely that’s more than enough information.

Even though they are adults they are still your children and that is the kind of information they never need to know, imo.
If they had no idea he was abusive I would definitely be one to encourage telling them the basic facts but they definitely do not need to know about rape and attempted sexual assault, that’s just too much and it will do nothing but harm them, even as adults.

Didkdt · 25/07/2020 10:40

Why would you tell them?

Murraygoldberg · 25/07/2020 10:43

No, he is still their father and they may (wrongly) feel he's behaviour reflects on them. I know it's hard, my ex was extremely abusive, went to jail twice, dc on cpr at one point dc know nothing about this. Ex is now dead and I made memory boxes and got counselling for dc, they know v little about why he was an ex

DancingInDespair · 25/07/2020 10:43

They don't need to know the details.
As the adult child of an abusive parent, it's enough to know that one parent abused the other. I don't need details.

Justanotherwrinkle · 25/07/2020 10:45

Please see a professional counsellor to talk this through with OP
The fact you would even consider giving your children such graphic and upsetting detail is very worrying

Tess3 · 25/07/2020 10:45

No I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to possibly ruin the relationship that they have with him.
Although he is a proper *a$tard and would deserve it, the children wouldn't deserve it.

BrunetteBuns · 25/07/2020 10:45

Have your DC asked for the reasons why you split?

BettyCrockaShit · 25/07/2020 10:46

Another one for don't tell them here. I'm really sorry for all you've been through OP, but no good would come of telling your children. They already know he was abusive towards you - they might already have joined the dots and have some inkling as to just how you suffered. Have you had professional support since you left him? I can imagine that there was a lot to process in the wake of that relationship.

Whatisthisfuckery · 25/07/2020 10:50

I don’t see how telling them will help either them or you tbh. If he’s a good dad to them and doesn’t raise any red flags then I’d just leave it at what they already know.

I understand it may be difficult for you to see them having a relationship with him after what he did to you, but I don’t think handing that information to them will help, and it’ll lump a whole load of guilt and conflicting emotions onto them that they don’t need or deserve. If it is an issue for you, which I wouldn’t blame you for if it is, can you look at some talking therapy for yourself. It must have been a truly awful thing for you to have to endure and you deserve some peace in your own mind.

TemperedFursAndSpangledBoots · 25/07/2020 10:51

I agree that there's no good to come from telling them OP. They already know he was abusive which must be hard enough in itself.

I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. My DC father was abusive to me, and continues to be so in a fairly low level way. My DC are primary aged so know nothing of this. He still tries to manipulate them ('mummy sent daddy away' etc) and I wonder what will happen in the future. I think it must be the most horrendous thing to see him still have your DC respect when they know he was abusive. I don't know how to reconcile things like this so whilst I don't think you should tell them more than they already know, I'm thinking of you and how difficult this must be.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/07/2020 10:52

Have they been generally understanding about the split? There are only two reasons I could see for telling them - 1) they wrongly blame you and are punishing you for the split or 2) you are worried for their safety.

Atadaddicted · 25/07/2020 10:53

Good heavens OP

No!!!!! No I would not tell them.

WorraLiberty · 25/07/2020 10:54

No, they have the relationship with their dad that you wanted them to have.

They know he was abusive and that's all that needs to be said.

TemperedFursAndSpangledBoots · 25/07/2020 10:56

And you know what I don't believe that any man who abuses the mother of his children, in any way whatsoever, is a 'good dad'.

Even if not directly abusing the DC, if they are witness to things, if they suffer the effects in other ways, they're abusing the DC.

My ex was emotionally abusive, physical on a couple of occasions. Coercive control. He now uses my personal details to impersonate me, take out credit cards in my name- not even to use them but to harass me. It also affects my credit rating and I'm working through sorting it all out. Along with him making the divorce impossible, and all his other behaviour, it's stressful. This of course has an impact on our DC.

Sorry OP didn't want to derail your thread but a PP said if he is a good dad etc- it's just my opinion that any man who abuses their DC mother is not a good parent.

TheTrollFairy · 25/07/2020 10:58

I wouldn’t tell them, they don’t need to know. A women entering a relationship would have a reason to know, but not your kids

Cornettoninja · 25/07/2020 10:59

Jesus no you aren’t being unreasonable at all.

Unless it’s absolutely unavoidable they really don’t need that emotional burden.

Louise91417 · 25/07/2020 11:00

What good would come from telling them..our goal in life is to protect our children from unnecessary hurt and unhappiness, telling them the details will only cause this...im sorry for what you went through at the hands of your ex but your children already no he was abusive, no good will come from telling them the details..Flowers

CherryPavlova · 25/07/2020 11:02

It would be entirely inappropriate.

notsorighteousthesedays · 25/07/2020 11:02

I can only imagine how this hurts and how unfair it feels and I think you might benefit from telling someone but I agree with others that it would potentially hurt your children too much and therefore simply add to your pain.

Would you consider counselling to help you find a way forward? You deserve the chance to come to terms with your past and look forward to the future too.

Good luck.

IJustWantSomeBees · 25/07/2020 11:06

I’m so sorry that you’re being forced to keep his dirty secret OP Flowers

Personally if my father had done that to my mother I would want to know as I would not want to have a relationship with a rapist. I do not know you and your DC’s personal situation though and if they know he abused you already and still want a relationship with him then this would probably just cause unnecessary hurt to them.

Have you told friends? Or spoken to a councillor about what you have endured? While it may not be best to tell your kids I hope you’ve told someone Flowers

C8H10N4O2 · 25/07/2020 11:08

You need professional counselling from a specialist in domestic abuse. You can't sensibly share on a public forum the reasons why this may be a good or bad idea, they are too individual.

Reasons to tell them more than they currently know might be that they are in some way at risk from his behaviour or attempts at alienation but honestly you need help to deal with this yourself first before you can work out if there is a need for them to know.

Kreacheriscleaning · 25/07/2020 11:08

I wouldn't tell them. I would be worried that they would think that they were the product of sexual abuse and that it may damage how they see themselves.

Quarantimespringclean · 25/07/2020 11:09

Do not burden your children with this horrible knowledge. They know enough already.

I would second seeing a counsellor to talk about this. It’s a lot to carry on your own for even one year, let alone 18. Talking to someone impartial would probably help. Flowers

NeedToKnow101 · 25/07/2020 11:09

Nope! My DM often shared details of my dad's abuse of her, including sexual abuse, with me, beginning in my early teens.
Although I already knew I didn't like my dad, I found it really upsetting to know that the person who half created me did these things.
I think it was one of the reasons I was never particularly close to my DM. She should have worked it out that it was right to tell me.
Unless you are about to publish a memoir about it, there's no reason to tell them.

NeedToKnow101 · 25/07/2020 11:11

'I wouldn't tell them. I would be worried that they would think that they were the product of sexual abuse and that it may damage how they see themselves.'

Exactly what happened with me.