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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Potential trigger* would you tell your DC

154 replies

Newnameforthisone098 · 25/07/2020 10:32

Aibu to not tell my dc (now adults) that the reason I split from their father was that he would regularly attempt to have sex with me while I slept and held me down and raped me at least twice? I left him 18yrs ago. It still bewilders me sometimes.

They know 'he was abusive, treated me badly, and made me extremely sad and unhappy' I have told them these things. They have a good and authentic relationship with him. I wanted them to.. he was twisted and cruel to me in some ways but he has always been loving and supportive to them.
Do they need to know the detail?
What good would it bring?

OP posts:
strawberrypip · 25/07/2020 11:14

Hi OP,

firstly, I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you left this despicable person.

I am glad he has been a good father to them although this of course in no way makes up for nor takes away what he done to you.

do you have lingering anger towards the situation? may sound absurd because most would think of course you would but I mean like rage towards it that you've never come to terms with? I ask because I was also a victim of sexual assault and nothing was ever done to my perpetrator. I thought I had come to terms with it in my own way but I get flashes of real anger if I see his name on social media or if I see people I know (not closely but I might of gone to school with, worked with in the past, had a passing drink with on a night out etc.) talking to him in a matey way and having normal chats, being in pictures with him. I find it grossly unfair that he did something so awful to me yet others continue this relationship with him. in their defence, these people dont know but the unfairness of it still stings. if you have not fully come to terms with or dealt with what happened to you I wonder if this is a similar thing - its frustrating in a way that your children dont know exactly what this man did to you and they still have a good relationship with him. really, what he done to you he should of served time for as with the man who done it to me.

I think you need to unburden yourself - seek out a professional. your children do not need to know, as this would damage the relationship with their father irreparably I would think. or you might face the even nastier circumstance of their father denying it which would cause all sorts of problems. so on balance I think the children need to be kept out of it, as rubbish and shit as it is for you.

CrocsandDocs · 25/07/2020 11:14

Why would you tell them? What is it going to bring to their lives?
Apart from nothing.

IveSeenThings · 25/07/2020 11:15

It's enough to say he was abusive to you. Please do not burden them with this.

Fairyliz · 25/07/2020 11:16

I’m another one who doesn’t actually believe a rapist can be a good father. It’s not like someone getting in with a bad crowd as a teenage and stealing but then turn their life around as they grow up, it’s rape!
If your DC’s are women does he think this would be ok if it happened to them?
If your DC’s are men is it ok for them to do the same?
I think you need to talk this through with a trained person and think about telling your children.

queenofknives · 25/07/2020 11:17

I don't know... it seems like something to talk through maybe with a counsellor or a trusted friend before deciding. What has prompted the question? Do you feel your adult children are at risk from your ex or is it the pain of having to keep his secret? Secrets are usually pretty toxic and in the end most people do prefer to know the truth, however upsetting. Presumably your ex is abusing his current partner if he has one. It is a pretty dark situation all around. Personally I think I would want to know because I don't want a rapist in my life, near my kids etc. On the other hand, maybe better to wait for them to ask you about the details of the abuse rather than volunteering the information. I wouldn't lie, if directly asked. I'm not sure about telling them otherwise - again, I think it depends on a lot of factors and probably needs to be something you talk through in depth before deciding.

Onmydoorstep · 25/07/2020 11:17

Firstly, I'd strongly recommend to speak to a professional.

However, on a practical level rapists are often serial offenders. You may think they have have a good relationship, but a rapist is a potential threat. Unless he's had successful treatment I'd be very concerned about the females in his company. Male sex offenders recidivism rate is 63% (and that is people re-convicted a 2nd time) ... but people in the area will tell you it is MUCH higher.

LizzieBennett70 · 25/07/2020 11:18

It may take a weight off your shoulders OP but it will put it straight onto theirs.

They may actually never forgive you.

I'm sorry but you really need to move on here.

riotlady · 25/07/2020 11:18

No, I wouldn’t tell them. My mum told me that she was raped by my dad when I was a teenager and then would tell me every time we had a fight that I was just like him. It really damaged my self esteem and I never opened up to her about things that happened to me (I was raped as a teenager and suffered very bad mental health as a result) because I always felt like everything was about her emotions and not mine. She’s not a great mum in lots of ways though, and it doesn’t sound like you’re like that at all.

I don’t intend on ever telling my DD about what happened to me (although it wasn’t her dad that did it), I just feel like it’s not her weight to carry.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 25/07/2020 11:20

Absolutely not. If you understandably need help with what has happened, Rape Crisis are excellent.

SockYarn · 25/07/2020 11:22

They don't need to know that. "He was violent towards me" is plenty explanation.

BKCRMP · 25/07/2020 11:24

They absolutely do not need that level of detail.

AdriannaP · 25/07/2020 11:25

Don’t tell them. It will haunt them forever

QuestionableMouse · 25/07/2020 11:26

No.

I found out pretty much the same about my aunt at about 16 and it really upset me. It was also difficult not to accidentally say something to my cousins who were younger than me.

Skuush · 25/07/2020 11:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

D4rwin · 25/07/2020 11:26

Wow. The rape enablers on this thread are terrifying. No rapist should have everything covered up for them. Keeping things from children tends to lead to anger and betrayal down the line when the truth is inevitably revealed.

You are not giving them a chance to know who or what he really is.

C8H10N4O2 · 25/07/2020 11:33

This clearly isn't possible when you are expected to play happy families with your rapist

Yes this is the situation I've seen in the past. Victims being expected to play happy families with their abuser, triggering a repeat of the whole experience whilst matey gets to preserve his image as father of the year.

There are definitely situations where the DC do need to know.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 25/07/2020 11:35

If you were my mother I would want to know, as difficult as it may be. They may well go on to have their own children, and I think they should be made aware that if they leave those children alone with him they are leaving them alone with a rapist. I would be very upset (both for my mother and with my mother) if I was leaving children alone with my dad and then she later confided in me that he had been sexually abusive. I know that he may have no intention of hurting children, but it’s not a risk I’d be willing to take. I would also cease all contact with my father in that situation.

I realise that I am very much in the minority though, I think I’m the only person who has said to tell them. If you do, I think you need to make it very clear to them that they were not conceived through rape, and how much you love them and how different to their father that they are.

Good luck with whatever you choose. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been though.

Original poster
Newnameforthisone098 · 25/07/2020 11:35

I have never felt the desire to tell them. I dont believe they need to know. We got together very young and he just got into a bad habit of ownership mentality with me. I stayed silent about it with him for a long time just accepting it as kinda normal. Then a conversation with someone else made me realise and I started to change and ended up leaving him. He was mortified that I left and went down hill. But I knew I wanted my kids to have a healthy relationship with their dad. I have never feared he would harm them and he hasn't

The reason I ask is because. Well I remarried to an abuser of a different kind. Emotional abuse. He crash landed in my life as a hero. Protective. Would never do what 1st h did. Would love me n my dc. Committed to us. He was right about all that he did committ and would defend us against harm from others but with that came his own version of love. Which was absolute control. Shouting insisting belittling humiliation ignoring aggression gaslighting love bombing.... I became a shell of a person. My oldest DC intervened and woke me up. I told him he was abusing us. He left me in a fit of offence and anger and I never let him back in. He still sees the child we have together.
Last night he said he never stood a chance because I never told the truth about 1st h to my other dc. He says I should tell them now they are grown. He says he will tell our child we have together soon.
Its thrown me.

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 25/07/2020 11:37

It's not a case of moving on...I would want to give my mother the support she needs if this were disclosed to me. Definitely seek therapeutic support and definitely tell them that he was seriously abusive, should the need to disclose this arise. If they subsequently ask, tell them. Flowers

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 25/07/2020 11:39

God no. Your children aren't the ones you should be looking to for support about this.

Jkrowling92 · 25/07/2020 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arthersleep · 25/07/2020 11:42

No, you shouldn't. And I wouldn't worry about your second exH telling your child, or threatening to, because it is nothing to do with them. He's still trying to control you. Don't let him.

Starfish1021 · 25/07/2020 11:42

From your follow up it’s clear you need therapy. You have had two very abusive relationships. Good luck and don’t talk to your children no good will come of it.

Polly111 · 25/07/2020 11:43

I don’t think you should tell them but I think I can understand why you would want to. As someone else has said you’ve been forced to keep his dirty little secret which is quite a burden. Also this is protecting him from prosecution as you can’t bring criminal charges against him without your children finding out.

It’s so hard because your children’s good relationship with their dad is a lie because they don’t know who he truly is and I think they would probably be devastated if they found out, but on the flip side it shouldn’t be down to you cover for him as it were and I think you’ve done so much already by helping him maintain his relationship with his children. Do others in your family know? Is there any chance someone else may slip up and tell them?

BeeTrees · 25/07/2020 11:44

OP, you said your second partner was emotionally abusing you, he is still doing that asking you to tell your children the details of your rape! Of course he’s not going to tell your current children you were raped by a different man. If he does that you know you have grounds to stop them seeing him completely as that’s a form of sexual abuse in itself.