*Potential trigger* would you tell your DC

[Newnameforthisone098]

Aibu to not tell my dc (now adults) that the reason I split from their father was that he would regularly attempt to have sex with me while I slept and held me down and raped me at least twice? I left him 18yrs ago. It still bewilders me sometimes.

They know 'he was abusive, treated me badly, and made me extremely sad and unhappy' I have told them these things. They have a good and authentic relationship with him. I wanted them to.. he was twisted and cruel to me in some ways but he has always been loving and supportive to them.
Do they need to know the detail?
What good would it bring?

Ah sorry, re-reading I missed the second post before with the detail. You sound amazing OP, and strong.

Thank you staple. Gotta keep trying 🙂

They know 'he was abusive, treated me badly, and made me extremely sad and unhappy' I have told them these things.

So they already know. They don’t need the fine detail.

It’s hard to process these things, but Ben decades later. Get talking therapy of you need it.

This is triggering for me because there were rumours my dad did this to my mum. She never said anything neither did he..

My mum has passed and my dad is around, I still speak to him but he has changed a lot as a person.

I wouldn't tell them, I wish I never knew about the rumours

Hey, I just want to say I'm sorry you are being put in this difficult position..
I think, if he is just empty threat-ing you, I wouldn't say anything, but personally, if you think it's a strong possibility that he is going to say something to any of the children, you may have to tell them first.
I personally would rather be told by my mum in such a way that is in a safe environment, rather that 2nd ex saying it in a cruel way and trying to hurt them and you.
I think the way @ginkypig put it earlier was nicely done. xx

For what it's worth, I would tell my kids if they asked.

I know my father did some things to my mum which he's not proud of, but I still have a good relationship with both parents. My mum wants me to, she never had any concerns about me being close with him and so it's not my place to decide to be offended or traumatised on her behalf.

I think you need to consider the role keeping secrets/lying about the truth as a dynamic of abuse.

Not telling friends, family, neighbours, work colleagues - not just yours but also his, is usually well established before hiding the truth from DC becomes an issue.

It increases the victims isolation. It reinforces the belief of the victim that their feelings are less important than the abuser by arguing that knowing the truth about the abuser will hurt other innocent people and that it is the responsibility of the victim to protect others from this knowledge. This is the very dynamic of deflecting the responsibility of abuse.

There is not a black and white distinction between telling them all the gory details and telling them nothing. Responses seem to assume you will over share and thus conclude don't do it but don't consider telling them enough so that they understand.

How can you as an individual deal with abuse (ie tell the truth) whilst creating a myth for adult DC? How is continuing a myth protecting them now even if you thought it was in their best interests when they were younger? Are you sure they will forgive you from keeping the truth from them, denying them the ability to make an informed choice because you are still living in fear/'weak'/over controlling/assuming they can't cope etc. For an abuser, keeping secrets is not about the well being of others.

No don’t tell them. Unless something happened and they had good reason to ask I would not lie. I would not casually tell them either.Because it’s been so long and it will do more damage than good. I think you have done excellent OP not to say anything to them so far!

It's so complex a situation. I feel for the children such in this situation. They did not ask to have this as their realty. Their protection is the most important thing

I know that technically your offspring are always your 'children' but you said yourself they are adults. You need to respect that they are no longer children and that it is disrespectful to infantilise them.

I get that the motivation maybe abusive and that a 13 year old would not be mature enough to learn that their own father was a rapist but they may be mature enough to learn that their mother's ex husband was because they don't have the same emotional ties to him or concerns about 'bad blood'. Does the new truth explain things or confuse things - why is mum ok with him, why does she insist he is a good father etc.

What if your 13 year old knows the truth that you have been shielding your adult DC from (because you wanted to create a false reality that, despite being abusive to their mother, their dad was somehow a good father)? Will they be recruited to keep the secret from their adult siblings? How is that likely to play out?

The truth can be hard to deal with but lies (even if told for the best intentions of protection) are what create psychological damage.

@theprincessmittens I’m sorry but the fact that your mum told you at a difficult time in your life does not mean that rape survivors should not feel able to acknowledge the fact that they have been raped.

Feeling like you have a duty to keep it a secret is one of the many lifelong consequences that rape survivors suffer. OP’s children are adults and if a survivor wants to be open about what they have endured then that is their choice

I have found this thread really shocking to read. It seems that a lot of people are still of the belief that women should just be quiet and not make a fuss, and never do anything that could potentially mean that their family is ‘burdened’.

Our mothers are not just our mothers, they are people in their own right. If mine had been raped I would WANT to support her, she does not owe me a life of suffering in silence because she birthed me

@IJustWantSomeBees

And I believe that I as I am not a qualified therapist my mother needed to see someone who was. Something she always was very scathing about, only the weak got professional help for mental health problems. She also wasn't raped by him. I also cannot believe that my mother put myself and my two brothers at serious risk of being molested by someone she claims molested her. I'm talking about days out, overnight stays with this person. She was happy to use him as a babysitter for a decade.

My mother also refused to acknowledge that I was bipolar for 27 years. She still won't let me try and talk about it with her at all. So I feel I owe her the exact same level of involvement in return.

Don't give them those details, imagine having that image of your father in your head. It's quite enough for them to know he was abusive without those details.

So they already know. They don’t need the fine detail.

It’s hard to process these things, but Ben decades later. Get talking therapy of you need it.

They don’t know that he was sexually violent. They might have guessed, but they don’t know. And nobody has suggested that she tell them the ‘fine detail’, just that they should potentially be made aware of the facts so they know exactly what kind of man their father is and they can make informed decisions about being alone with him or leaving children alone with him.

For me personally, I don’t see how they can have a relationship with their dad knowing that he abused their mother and I think if I were them I would have severed ties years ago. But I have never been in that situation so perhaps I am being too simplistic.

@theprincessmittens

In that case your situation is very different from the one OP and her children are in; I’m so sorry to hear about how your mum has treated you though, toxic family members take such an awful toll

My mum told me this when I was a teenager and though it's over 20 years ago, I still wish she hadn't. Please don't tell your kids- knowing he was abusive is enough. But please find a counsellor or someone to talk to about it.

My exh raped me, my ds who is 16 has known since he was old enough to understand what his dad did to me. I had to tell him to make him understand why I found it impossible to be in company with his dad.

Ijustwantsome it’s not that women have to keep it a secret - but I was eight when my mum phoned rape crisis in front of me and used to take the phone off when she got so anxious she’d pass out .

I was no older than sixteen when she told me about her ECT, sexual abuse, rape, etc . I know the finer details down to what exactly she was wearing, names, places etc .

It’s fine to share some things but I was a teenager and I was bewildered and frightened . I still feel now so horribly guilty because I can’t make it better . I’ve sat and cried with GP, therapist, because I feel it’s my duty to make my mum feel better and I can’t .

My dad did the same when I was 17 . Wrote a ten page letter about his sexual problems and the fact my mum refused to sleep with him . Told me about specific arguments they had . Things that had nothing to do with me .

I don’t blame my mum at all, she’s my best friend and I love her to bits - I feel a bit differently about my dad - but my God I wish sometimes they’d been able to tell an adult and work out with them .

And then I feel guilty for that ... !!

@covidtired

That sounds really horrible and I’m so sorry you had to cope with that at such a young age.

I am not suggesting that a mother tell young children the details of her abuse, I am talking about grown adults who are old enough to understand that their parent has experienced trauma and why it is not good for their mental health to burden themselves with keeping it a secret

So sorry again

@Nat6999

Thank you for sharing this, hopefully it will help the many people on this thread who are struggling to understand why silence is not always an option

@Nat6999

Does your son have anything to do with his father?

@Newnameforthisone098

You guys are awesome as per usual (I am a mn regular reader sometimes poster). I'm going to go back to being a strong survivor once this thread dies down. This issue is a blip on an otherwise strong personality.

Iv not read the rest of the thread yet but I will I just wanted to address this misconception you seem to feel that somehow this is any of your responsibility! This isn't a blip and there's nothing wrong with your personality, you have been emotionally attacked and you are having a reaction to that.

Your reaction to this horrendous threat is entirely normal because it plays into your most vulnerable soft spot and not only that but he has threatened the relationship and emotional comfort of your children. (That's not true but it's how it must feel)

You are a survivor and you are fucking amazing inspite of everything others have put you through.

It is right to occasionally reflect and seek advice as that shows willing for growth even if it turns out the advice is exactly what you thought which in this case is he's an arse hole.

This is why I have never understood why it is considered a 'good thing' for abusive parents to still have contact with their children.

Not just because of the threat from the second one, but surely children having contact with such a loathsome piece of work isn't right? However 'nice' he is to them

Ginkpig your response is awesome

@Nanny0gg

This is why I have never understood why it is considered a 'good thing' for abusive parents to still have contact with their children.

Not just because of the threat from the second one, but surely children having contact with such a loathsome piece of work isn't right? However 'nice' he is to them

Me neither. If someone is abusive to their partner they are an abusive person, full stop, and will be abusive to their kids in some way too. I think if there is such a huge question mark over a persons ability to parent and potential harm to children, then children need to be protected, they have no choice and are vulnerable.