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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Potential trigger* would you tell your DC

154 replies

Newnameforthisone098 · 25/07/2020 10:32

Aibu to not tell my dc (now adults) that the reason I split from their father was that he would regularly attempt to have sex with me while I slept and held me down and raped me at least twice? I left him 18yrs ago. It still bewilders me sometimes.

They know 'he was abusive, treated me badly, and made me extremely sad and unhappy' I have told them these things. They have a good and authentic relationship with him. I wanted them to.. he was twisted and cruel to me in some ways but he has always been loving and supportive to them.
Do they need to know the detail?
What good would it bring?

OP posts:
TemperedFursAndSpangledBoots · 25/07/2020 12:14

@IceCreamSummer20

I think this is really clear.

If your Ex tells the kids - then you can support them, say whilst it is true that this isn’t something you would have wanted to share as whilst they need truth there are some person things and also you wanted to give them some level of protection. You are showing them you have some control.

If you tell he kids - they will be confused and feel bad, it will be too much, if they find out it is because you were threatened by Ex, they will see that he still has power of you. That is scary. You are showing them that you are not in control.

I think @IceCreamSummer20 is spot on. OP I'm so sad to read what you've been through. I hope you can get some good support IRL 💐

Veganforlife · 25/07/2020 12:16

I was a twin
My dad beat my mum regularly ,that’s how she lost my twin .
I grew up knowing that story.
She told me he raped her regularly..
She told me so many things I didn’t need to know..he’s half of me ,I worried for a long time that I was half bad .
Get some counselling,your kids don’t need to know

Original poster
Newnameforthisone098 · 25/07/2020 12:17

If you tell he kids - they will be confused and feel bad, it will be too much, if they find out it is because you were threatened by Ex, they will see that he still has power of you. That is scary. You are showing them that you are not in control.

This makes sense. Thank you

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 25/07/2020 12:20

Newnameforthisone098 threatening to reveal the details to your children only shows your ex partner for what he is - an abusive man. He isnt a hero, he is an opportunist.
Phone the DV unit at your local police and tell them whats been happening.

There have been some awful comments on this thread.
Telling your children the details of sexual abuse rather than the broad brushstrokes can be in itself abusive. Its not about enabling an abuser to get away with anything because it isn't the children's responsibility, but can make them feel guilty and responsible.

Original poster
Newnameforthisone098 · 25/07/2020 12:21

I will not tell my DC about it. Thanks for helping me clear the mist.
My 2nd H is a mind blowing narc. I just need to stay focused on that.
To all those whose parents disclosed too much to you I hope you find healing.

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 25/07/2020 12:21

I can't see any potential benefits it would bring - it's enough that they know you split because he was abusive, why go into any more detail?
Your more recent partner bringing this up is a further attempt to emotionally abuse you - keep contact with him to a minimum for your child, and try not to give any more time to stressing about this.

Sn0tnose · 25/07/2020 12:22

He is absolutely vile. The only person who gets to decide whether your rape is disclosed to people is you. He’s putting his need to hurt you and your eldest two DC before the welfare of your youngest DC.

If you feel that it wouldn’t help you or achieve anything to tell your DC then I’d keep quiet for now. But I think you need to be prepared in case he carries out his threat. I think you should speak to someone at rape crisis and see if they can give you any advice on the best way to disclose sexual violence to family members. I also think it might be an idea to speak to them about how to explain to children in an age appropriate way so that you’re not caught on the hop if he does so.

Lastly, you know him best; would pointing out that telling your youngest would make him not only abusive towards you, but abusive towards your child, make him more or less likely to keep quiet?

RandyLionandDirtyDog · 25/07/2020 12:23

I think especially now that they’re adults, they have a right to know.

I’d want to know if my dad was a rapist just as I’d want to know if he was a paedophile. No difference as far as I’m concerned, they’re both appalling sex crimes.

viouoin · 25/07/2020 12:23

My experience of people who are abusive like your first H is that it comes from a deep fundamental disrespect of humanity and that it is unlikely they could have close relationships with other people without being abusive to them. It is possible (just possible) that he has abused your dc and they have kept it from you. I say that as it has been my personal experience. Do they talk much about their time alone with first H?

Second H seems to be saying that you all treated him badly and that he wasn't EA, it was your fault because you didn't tell your dc about first H and this doesn't really make sense to me (or to you probably)

In relation to his thread, I think the only way you can protect your dc is to talk about how to treat other people and talk about what they should expect from others, love, respect, kindness, trust, boundaries, what they should look for from relationships, how to choose people to have close relationships with and how and when to leave if people treat them badly and how to come to terms with things when bad things happen to them/happened to them in the past if they haven't yet come to terms with it. As to whether or not and how you should go into detail about what happened, it is impossible to say from what you have written as it would depend on so many things.

Chickychickydodah · 25/07/2020 12:25

No, they know he is knob, they don’t need to know more. Sorry for your bad life 💐

Original poster
Newnameforthisone098 · 25/07/2020 12:25

If you tell he kids - they will be confused and feel bad, it will be too much, if they find out it is because you were threatened by Ex, they will see that he still has power of you. That is scary. You are showing them that you are not in control.

I agree. Thank you

OP posts:
IceCreamSummer20 · 25/07/2020 12:28

@Newnameforthisone098

I will not tell my DC about it. Thanks for helping me clear the mist. My 2nd H is a mind blowing narc. I just need to stay focused on that. To all those whose parents disclosed too much to you I hope you find healing.
I know the hardest thing is keeping what you want as the main guide, easy to get thrown off course. And your boundaries will be still wobbly, because that it what happens when you are abused. However a really good domestic abuse counselor told me that I had to start centering my thinking on me and kids. That’s it. She said that in abusive relationships all the attention is pulled to the abuser. About him, because of him, in fear of him, confused by him... We have to get the attention back to us, our lives, our future. It was really wise words.
Ginkypig · 25/07/2020 12:29

I'm really sorry he is being a complete shit!

He is trying to control you still He probably isn't even planning to but you're dynamic is he controls and you bend and he will likely never see you any differently unless he one day actively works with professionals and takes responsibility for his own behaviour (they never do though, he doesn't see he has done anything wrong and probably thinks his behaviour is a reaction to something you have done so why would he need help)

He is using the one "chip" he has to play because you have made all his other tools of abuse invalid. They don't work on you anymore and he can't stand losing the power over you.
He knows this is the one area you (quite rightly) want control and privacy over so he is choosing this as the area to press to cause you maximum upset and pain and to watch you squirm, because that feeds him and gives him the "feeling" he had when he did the previous abuse.

Personally I would sit the adult children down and have a chat, I would tell them exh2 has threatened to tell all you children the details of the hurt (abuse it's up to you the word you use) that happened when I was with your dad, he claims he is doing this because you deserve to know and my not telling you affected mine and his relationship but we are all adults we can see through this and see the truth, we know he is doing this as a threat because he is abusive and trying to exert control.
We are a team, the only way to deal with someone like this is to not let him get in between us but to do that you need to know how he is trying to get between us.

As your mum I don't think you need to know the details, it would cause you nothing but pain, for you to hear it and for me to know you have heard it but if he keeps up with these horrible threats then I will obviously be forced to tell you but I would rather it came from me and I want you to remember this was a long time ago and your relationship with him is and has always been since we split separate from mine and his.

Im not sure exactly how to deal with younger dd but I would probably have a similar (but different because it's her dad) age appropriate chat and tell her that the details of that relationship are absolutely nothing to do with your relationship with her her relationship with him or yours and his relationship when you were together but I'd get advice from woman's aid or nspcc or somewhere first as they have probably had experience of this type of thing and will give you some strategies.

AnyFucker · 25/07/2020 12:31

^11:57jassa090

WTF is wrong with you OP?^

I could say the same thing to you.

MintyMabel · 25/07/2020 12:32

nope. Wouldn't tell them. Unless they are at risk from him behaving badly there is no need to damage their relationship with him.

burnoutbabe · 25/07/2020 12:32

woulkd your kids expect you to be in the same room as your ex husband at say a wedding or christening and be nice with him? or are they aware he hurt you in a physical way and you will never be in the same room as him?

I think if they accept he was abusive and you won't be in same room together, thats one thing, if they think you just argued and therefore you should suck it up and play nice for a wedding, thats another.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 25/07/2020 12:34

OP my relationship history is similar to yours (first serious boyfriend was sexually abusive, then married a man who was violent to me, then a marriage to someone who seemed like a rescuer, but who had issues with alcohol, then it drifted into emotional / financial abuse, but I couldn’t see it because “at least he didn’t hit me”). Anyway, I had some wonderful support from women’s aid; they work with women and children who have ever been in an abusive relationship (it’s not just about refuges). Then a long period of counselling that really changed things for me. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, I don’t think your children need to know all the gory details (mine know some things but not others) and I just wanted to show some solidarity. Flowers

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 25/07/2020 12:34

I think you've made the right decision. If your kids know that your husband was an emotional and physical abuser then they know the headlines. They don't need the detail. Your second H is despicable to even consider revealing your past without your consent.

Original poster
Newnameforthisone098 · 25/07/2020 12:35

Thank you icecream and ginky sound advice and support.
We underestimate the damage sometimes. I am ageing and resolute most of the time but every now and then I lose my way a bit.

OP posts:
Incrediblytired · 25/07/2020 12:37

It sounds like you’ve come to the right conclusion.

If you told them, you’d be telling them because if your need to tell them and not their need to hear it. Altruism is not telling them.

PegasusReturns · 25/07/2020 12:38

@AnyFucker you said exactly what I was scrolling down to type.

@jassa090 you’re a piece of work

oakleaffy · 25/07/2020 12:39

Definition don’t tell them. Not appropriate, no need for them to know private , painful stuff like that.

OzziePopPop · 25/07/2020 12:40

@IceCreamSummer20

I think this is really clear.

If your Ex tells the kids - then you can support them, say whilst it is true that this isn’t something you would have wanted to share as whilst they need truth there are some person things and also you wanted to give them some level of protection. You are showing them you have some control.

If you tell he kids - they will be confused and feel bad, it will be too much, if they find out it is because you were threatened by Ex, they will see that he still has power of you. That is scary. You are showing them that you are not in control.

This. Absolutely this.
IJustWantSomeBees · 25/07/2020 12:41

@jassa090

What the fuck is wrong with you? Get out of here you nasty piece of work

oakleaffy · 25/07/2020 12:41

Definitely not definition..
I was told something about a grandparent- female- being a marriage wrecker and lots of details I didn’t need to know.😕

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