*Potential trigger* would you tell your DC

[Newnameforthisone098]

Aibu to not tell my dc (now adults) that the reason I split from their father was that he would regularly attempt to have sex with me while I slept and held me down and raped me at least twice? I left him 18yrs ago. It still bewilders me sometimes.

They know 'he was abusive, treated me badly, and made me extremely sad and unhappy' I have told them these things. They have a good and authentic relationship with him. I wanted them to.. he was twisted and cruel to me in some ways but he has always been loving and supportive to them.
Do they need to know the detail?
What good would it bring?

@TheNewLook - I haven't read any rape apologists on this thread. There have been a few stories, like mine, where children felt deeply confused and ashamed on being told that their dad raped their mum.
Rape has rightly been reframed in recent years, as shame on the rapist not the victim, but we have shared stories of how we feel based on attitudes then.

Children like to feel they were a product of love, even when things go wrong, so learning that sexual abuse was part of your story from the beginning can be deeply disturbing for a child.

The OPs children are older, but there is the added complication that they have a good relationship with their dad.

@oakleaffy

It is so sad that you would tell a rape survivor that their experience is ‘inappropriate’

Coldtatty thanks for the solidarity.

I do see 1st ex at special occasions. Graduations big birthdays etc. We have always talked amicably about raising our dc stuff. He speaks highly of me to them and everyone but he would wouldn't he! 2nd H hates 1st with a vengeance and thinks I am protecting him. I'm not I'm protecting my DC.

OP I’m so glad you’ve reached a decision that sits well with you

To all the people saying their parents told them things as kids that is a different situation though as OP’s children are adults. I’d like to add that I hope you never feel the need to keep what happened to you a secret, it is painful for all involved when something like this happens but that is not a reason to pressure someone into hiding the fact that they are a survivor of abuse

@TheNewLook

The rape enablers on this thread are terrifying.

This.

I’m quite shocked that so many posters seem to think sexual abuse is so shameful that others must not be burdened with knowledge of it lest they think badly of the perpetrator. The OP must keep this to herself, nobody wants to know, the children and their father must continue to have a happy relationship unsullied by the OP’s shameful abuse.

I absolutely don't believe that, just so it is clear. There is no reason to hide it because there is nothing to be ashamed about!

I do think though that this is entirely up to the op if she wants to share the details of her trauma with anyone and that includes her children.

As someone who has experienced serious sexual violence multiple times from separate people including in childhood. I can't change what was done to me but i am in charge of my trauma now. No one gets to tell me what I do with it because it happened to me. Others may disagree with how I choose to deal with it or think someone I have chosen not to tell "deserves to know" but tough I'm the only person who gets to decide what I need or who I want to know!

That being said I when appropriate do share (without the gory details) my history because I have built a life where it has no power and no shame for me. Plus some of my work is that area. I didn't share children with the perpetrator though so I can't possibly know what my choices would have been if I had!

You guys are awesome as per usual (I am a mn regular reader sometimes poster).
I'm going to go back to being a strong survivor once this thread dies down. This issue is a blip on an otherwise strong personality.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you, did you have counselling to help you through this. But no - I would not tell them - they will be deeply affected by this. You are out of this relationship now, and he has to live with what he did to you. stay strong - and hugs

I've been the child in this situation. I don't think it's appropriate to tell them unless they ask. They know he was abusive. They know you had to leave. And that is enough. It is a very big burden to give to your children and it will weigh very heavily on them without providing you with anymore closure.

But have you had anyone to talk to about this? You've been through something bloody awful and you need to be able to talk about this and get support. You shouldn't be silenced just because telling your children wouldn't be for the best. You deserve the chance to be heard.

I wouldn't personally.

I've been the child in this situation. Some things still haunt me.

I do still feel some shame about the marital rape as I allowed it to a certain extent. 2nd H reminded me last of a conversation he had years back with other men about it, a few of them said 'well if that's the case and she does not speak up are we all guilty of rape?' To which only he said yes you are... all the others said surely not. He told me to remind me he had my back twisted bastard right!
But..the truth in the statement is I did not speak up and therefore allowed it to go on, until I didn't

This happened to me. I wouldn't tell my DS. Could you possibly access some counselling? That really helped me

To clarify I feel shame that I did not speak up but I do not blame myself for 1st h despicable actions.

I have had and continue to have therapy

Goodness me no of course you don't tell them that?! Why would you even consider it

If they ask then I would consider telling them the truth but if they don't ask don't just drop over Sunday lunch 'oh btw your dads a rapist'

If it was my mum I would absolutely want to know so I could make an informed decision whether I wanted myself, or my own children, to be around this man. What if he babysits for their future children? If I had left my child someone who was a known sexual predator I'd be livid.

Covering up rape will only facilitate abuse in the long run. Your child is now an adult. It will be difficult to process for them but I think they should know.

If you cant hr bothered to read the whole thread your views are unhelpful. Who said I was planning to drop it in over sunday lunch ffs!

I think you should consider the risk this man could pose to your own children (or their own children if/when they have any). Also consider he may have been abusive to them in ways your children may have never dared tell you about. Keeping secrets can be toxic, and enable more abuse.

When I was 21, struggling with work problems, mental health problems (I was diagnosed as bipolar 2 years later) and marital problems (I had been married 6 months), I looked to my mother for help/reassurance - the first time I had as an adult.

She decided that was the ideal time to tell me that she had been sexually abused by one of her brothers as a child....the same brother that she had let myself and my two brothers spend the most time alone with when we were children.

To this day I have no idea why she burdened me with this information. For the above reason, I don't even believe it was true, she just couldn't stand not being the centre of attention. I realised she would never be able to offer me any sort of comfort - she never had as a child, I was stupid to think she would when I was grown up.

Get professional help and leave your children out of it.

You've been through a lot, well done for being so strong!

Ultimately who you tell about your sexual abuse should be your decision alone. DH2 should be made well aware that he doesn't get to discuss your private sexual abuse with others without your consent.

I'm with the minority who doesn't think adult children always need protecting. Obviously, I wouldn't want to know graphic detail. But I would want to know if my father was a rapist, so I could decide what relationship I would have with him.

Having said that, you know your children best and clearly lots of people would not want to know.

I think if you want to tell them, tell them. They are adults now and are able to have an adult conversation and understand what you’re talking about. It’s not like you’re sitting a 10 year down and expecting to be able to have a heart to heart with them about it.

*10 year old

Glad you have made a decision you are at peace with OP, it sounds like the right one.

want much to do with him. They are cordial but that's it. They see their own Df often and I think this hurts him. He feels rejected

I have read your posts but have got a bit confused, is this your current husband?

OP I have read the whole thread and just wanted to say what an amazing person and wonderful mum you are. I am very sorry for what you have been through - there is no shame in any of it, including 'not speaking up. You have come through awful trauma and there is no right way to do that. You sound v wise and I wish you lots of luck.

These things will continue to come up in your thoughts and each time they do, therapy and seeking help will allow you to accept and heal, one layer at a time.

I come from a family full of badly kept secrets, twisted truths and things that are dismissed as in the past or from different times.

I believe these are damaging and destructive and that at some level, siblings and children know what these things are even if they don't fully understand them and that this in itself is damaging and destructive.

While the details do not necessarily need to be shared, do not keep them secret either. Family therapy might be useful. At some stage you may need to talk to your children about what healthy relationships look like and what you have learnt through therapy about how to protect yourself, reiterating that no one is perfect and people find themselves in relationships that they do not realise are damaging until they have to fight to get back to who they really are. Reiterate that your relationships have not been perfect but you will always be there to support them.

Tell your most recent ex that it is inappropriate that he tells your children details about your previous relationship in the same way that you will not divulge the details of your relationship with him. If he does tell your children, then find a way to tell them that you have been honest about why your relationship failed and that the details will not help them but if they feel they need more information, you will find a way to answer their questions.

Good luck navigating this imperfect world we live in and well done for using outside support of your therapy to help you.

Thanks Getup

@Staplemaple there are 2 ex h in the story but I really cant explain it all again. Sorry. In the clip you post about I'm referring to older dc relationship with 2nd h (their step dad) being cordial but not in any way close.