*Potential trigger* would you tell your DC

[Newnameforthisone098]

Aibu to not tell my dc (now adults) that the reason I split from their father was that he would regularly attempt to have sex with me while I slept and held me down and raped me at least twice? I left him 18yrs ago. It still bewilders me sometimes.

They know 'he was abusive, treated me badly, and made me extremely sad and unhappy' I have told them these things. They have a good and authentic relationship with him. I wanted them to.. he was twisted and cruel to me in some ways but he has always been loving and supportive to them.
Do they need to know the detail?
What good would it bring?

The threat to tell the children is another form of control. He knows you don’t want to tell the kids. Do you think he will follow through and say something?

He says I should tell them now they are grown. He says he will tell our child we have together soon.

Do you think he will? You know he is saying this to you now as another way to hurt, frighten and attempt to control you. But do you think he is unhinged enough to actually tell your child about it? How old is the DC you have together?

'Last night he said he never stood a chance because I never told the truth about 1st h to my other dc. He says I should tell them now they are grown. He says he will tell our child we have together soon.
Its thrown me.'
It's not his story to tell us it. He's emotionally blackmailing you and trying to gaslight away his own abusive behaviour.

I agree with others this is the continuing emotional abuse of your second partner. I hope it’s just an empty threat.

I agree with others it’s not in your children’s best interests to be told about the rapes. And it sounds like you don’t want to tell them either. They already know he was abusive so it’s not like they are ignorant to his treatment of you.

It’s hard to know what to advise. But I don’t think you should feel pushed into this disclosure by another abusive man.

I’m sorry this has all happened to you. You’ve been strong and I’m sure you can Continue to be strong.

No, don't tell them they don't need to know the details.

I have an abusive ex-husband who also treated my kids badly so never really had to explain as he was awful to everyone.

I would continue with what you are saying, I saw a counsellor as abuse messes with your head and is a heavy weight that should be his and not yours to carry.

Firstly for having been through this.

I agree with pp you need specialist advice.

I have no idea, I think two contradictory things simultaneously - 1) your truth matters and 2) this would be a huge shock/burden for them.

You must be very strong to have not said anything for so long. You deserve real support with working out what to do, how awful to have this to think about.

Just to add I'm in therapy I am learning to understand why I have sabotaged myself throughout my life. I am learning to love and forgive myself for the trauma I put my dc through because of my choice of men. I have had 2 relationships in my life both abusive. I will not have a third relationship full stop. Never. It's the only way to ensure safety.
My dc and I have a close and loving bond which I am eternally thankful for. I dont want to cause any more hurt to them. The child we have together is still quite young 13. I am protective with them. I worry what hearing about my past will do to the relationship with siblings. What a mess 😔

Don't tell them about that stuff, but continue to have therapy.

TBH it's very tricky. I think generally no good comes from hiding such big truths. It is unlikely that that one aspect of his behaviour exists in a void - by which I mean that a person who would treat you like that most likely treats other people in other ways that are not right either. I think it is generally not good to prevent your adult children, by keeping information from them, from making those connections, seeing those patterns and understanding the full picture.
That said, there are things about my Ds's father that I have told him that I would struggle to admit even on an anonymous forum like this, but I don't want to be instrumental in confusing him about why the man is like he is. I have always been careful to present a strong, "recovered" face to ds about it so he has not seen me as vulnerable or damaged (which I'm definitely not). I always thought it was important to provide perspective to ds about it and lead him through the minefield of knowing what kind of a person his father is. Their relationship is not close so that may make it easier.

If they ever ask for more detail then I’d be honest and pass on your experience but if they don’t I’d let it lie. I do think it’s important stuff like this is talked about though as we can only learn and understand through sharing experience.

No. They are having to process a lot and already know that he was abusive. This would be too much, they would then feel that they may be responsible for your pain in some way, and it is a huge thing for them to process. It is their father and they will have many fears about genetics, about themselves, what it means for them etc.

Concentrate on giving them support for what it has meant and still means for them. Ask them how they feel. Listen.

For your own pain, find appropriate outlets so you and your kids can see a good example of how to get through it.

And absolutely do not disclose anything because of a threat. If he carries out the threat, just help your kids. If you disclose all you are doing is showing your kids that you will hurt them because another man told you.

As someone who was told a family secret like this, I’d say that it was a massive burden on me and affected me for many many years. The difference between me and your DC is I cut contact when I knew he was abusive without knowing all the nasty details. However it is up to you, you are the victim and I’m so sorry

No. Don't tell them. And if he does - well they know he's emotionally abusive and hopefully won't believe him.

Obviously it's going to be trickier with the daughter you have with your second partner. But I'd seek advice from a professional about how to deal with it if he does tell her.

@Newnameforthisone098

I have never felt the desire to tell them. I dont believe they need to know. We got together very young and he just got into a bad habit of ownership mentality with me. I stayed silent about it with him for a long time just accepting it as kinda normal. Then a conversation with someone else made me realise and I started to change and ended up leaving him. He was mortified that I left and went down hill. But I knew I wanted my kids to have a healthy relationship with their dad. I have never feared he would harm them and he hasn't

The reason I ask is because. Well I remarried to an abuser of a different kind. Emotional abuse. He crash landed in my life as a hero. Protective. Would never do what 1st h did. Would love me n my dc. Committed to us. He was right about all that he did committ and would defend us against harm from others but with that came his own version of love. Which was absolute control. Shouting insisting belittling humiliation ignoring aggression gaslighting love bombing.... I became a shell of a person. My oldest DC intervened and woke me up. I told him he was abusing us. He left me in a fit of offence and anger and I never let him back in. He still sees the child we have together.
Last night he said he never stood a chance because I never told the truth about 1st h to my other dc. He says I should tell them now they are grown. He says he will tell our child we have together soon.
Its thrown me.

That is a really, really shitty thing for him to do/threaten.

If he does it, then you will have to have a calm, quiet talk with the DC he tells. It is up to you whether you say 'People can be abusive in different ways and whilst one may use sexual violence, another might do something like tell people things about others that aren't their place to say to hurt the victim in a different way' or not. An absolutely serious 'Why do you think he said this? For a good reason, or to hurt me and your brother/sister?' might be your decision.

If your DC with him is aware that he's been and is still being abusive, it could be worse for him in terms of his relationship with them than if he kept his mouth shut. All rape victims have the legal right to anonymity in press reporting of cases. They have a right to privacy. So taking that away is wrong.

The rape enablers on this thread are terrifying.

This.

I’m quite shocked that so many posters seem to think sexual abuse is so shameful that others must not be burdened with knowledge of it lest they think badly of the perpetrator. The OP must keep this to herself, nobody wants to know, the children and their father must continue to have a happy relationship unsullied by the OP’s shameful abuse.

I think 2nd H is hurting because my dc do not really want much to do with him. They are cordial but that's it. They see their own Df often and I think this hurts him. He feels rejected. Usually I ignore his rants about how unfair I have been and how rude and ungrateful we all are towards him and his commitment to us. But this hidden bit of my history is a sore spot.
Maybe because it's more recent but I feel more battered and bruised by 2nd than I do from 1st marriage.

You answer your own question.
What good would it bring?

No. Don't tell them. And if he does - well they know he's emotionally abusive and hopefully won't believe him

Yes, let’s hope the OP’s rape story isn’t believed. Best for everyone that way.

🙄

No, I wouldn’t tell them .

I was told from a very early age about my mum and my dad’s past life experiences and relationship, increasingly so until I was about 26 and realised I wasn’t able to help and the stuff that happened in their childhoods, etc and then later marriage wasn’t/isn’t my business . When I was younger it was very, very confusing, frightening (I’m terrified of having a relationship with anyone as I was often told all men want to hurt us...) and I felt guilty .

I’m completely aware that both mum and dad cite domestic abuse, adultery, and all sorts as a reason for divorcing, they’ve accused each other of all manner of things - but it was their marriage, it isn’t for me to try and counsel either of them .

I do talk to my dad now - very warily, and I’m glad I waited until I was mid-late twenties to do so properly; but only with a sort of agreement between him, my mum and I that we don’t discuss their relationship much if at all . That’s taken years and years to get to that stage and lots of therapy .

It’s incredibly difficult to know what’s best so I’d definitely seek proper counselling but I wouldn’t tell your children .

If there’s a safety concern ie you’re concerned he might still harm you or your children I imagine that would be handled completely differently .

I can assure you I'm not a rape enabler, if any of that was aimed at me. It's an entirely separate issue. And if you knew my history, you hopefully would keep your ill-informed opinion to yourself

@jassa090 there is plenty wrong with me tbh. But if you want to be more specific I can give a better answer.
The sexual abuse is my history. I have a right to tell or not. Im just looking for views because I want to be sure I'm not wrong in wanting to keep it away from my DC. Their happiness and stability is my main priority. I have a duty to them

I think this is really clear.

If your Ex tells the kids - then you can support them, say whilst it is true that this isn’t something you would have wanted to share as whilst they need truth there are some person things and also you wanted to give them some level of protection. You are showing them you have some control.

If you tell he kids - they will be confused and feel bad, it will be too much, if they find out it is because you were threatened by Ex, they will see that he still has power of you. That is scary. You are showing them that you are not in control.

Their happiness and stability is my main priority. I have a duty to them then you steer your course around them and you. Full stop. Nothing anyone does or threatens shakes that.