*Potential trigger* would you tell your DC

[Newnameforthisone098]

Aibu to not tell my dc (now adults) that the reason I split from their father was that he would regularly attempt to have sex with me while I slept and held me down and raped me at least twice? I left him 18yrs ago. It still bewilders me sometimes.

They know 'he was abusive, treated me badly, and made me extremely sad and unhappy' I have told them these things. They have a good and authentic relationship with him. I wanted them to.. he was twisted and cruel to me in some ways but he has always been loving and supportive to them.
Do they need to know the detail?
What good would it bring?

A question to all who think OP has no right to speak of it:

If a rape survivor wants to press charges against their rapist (even if that rapist is their spouse) would you tell them not to so as not to upset their children/family?

This thread does make me very uncomfortable. I quite agree that a man who was abusive towards his DCs' DM isn't a good father. And I know this, because my F was like this. My DM always thought he was a great dad to us, but he wasn't at all. He was actually sexually abusing my DSis and me and grooming my DB to join in. (He was part of a paedophile network and we were all abused by other people as well.)

I'm not suggesting that anything remotely like that has happened here, please don't think I'm suggesting it. But my F was also abusive towards my DM, as I'm coercive control, paranoia and emotional abuse. I only realised this when reading old letters he'd written to my DM when helping her do a sort out. Her boundaries were badly damaged as a result of having been orphaned at 10 and then sexually abused by the uncle who became her guardian.

She didn't know about the sexual abuse going on under her nose, but she did know that my F smacked us too hard. She didn't like it but she didn't act to stop it. (She smacked us herself as well; I don't blame her, as it was how she was brought up. But it did make us even less likely to tell her what was happening.)

I didn't know what a loving father was like until I saw my DH with our DDs, and my 2 BILs as well with their DC.

I endorse the suggestion that you should have therapy; it really helped me. That will enable you to process your abusive relationships and help you to work out why you end up going into abusive relationships. You will also be in a better place to know whether you should talk to your DC about what their F did to you. But please don't allow your ex to blackmail you about it.

Your exh threats to reveal your sexual abuse to a young girl is abusive and threatening. Both to you and her.

What sort of contact are you having with him and why?

At this point I would consider contacting women's aid about a non molestation order.

Never ever tell them. Why traumatise them and cause more pain.

Your abuser has caused enough suffering.