Do you mind if I smoke?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

We were in a pub the other day, big outdoor seating area which was covered over. People eating lunch (we weren't eating). Me & husband only.

Woman on next table says (just to me): 'excuse me, do you mind if I smoke?' So I just kinda shrugged, because I did mind but I didn't really want to say so. But she pushes it and says 'what does that mean?' So I replied well it's an outdoor area so I can't stop you but do I like smoke? No.

She kind of finished her drink and went off in a huff very quickly so I felt bad. But it seemed like there was only one acceptable answer to her question.

What would you have said in that scenario?

I think you were extraordinarily rude to her. And I say that as a non-smoker who hates smoking.

She asked you did you mind. You didn't both answering her and just made a non-committal shrug. Rather than taking advantage of your non-answer, she asked you to clarify. You then gave a really rude, passive aggressive answer.

If she did go off in a huff, I suspect it was in annoyance at your rudeness. Also, with regards to the other people, you don't know whether she would have asked them too if you had said you didn't mind.

If someone is polite enough to ask do you mind if they do something, at least have the manners to answer them politely. "I'd prefer if you didn't" is a perfectly polite answer and doesn't involve the dreaded mn "confrontation".

Fair enough @Todaywewilldobetter - wasn't trying to pick a fight!

@chocolatesaltyballs22 since the smoking ban, I take notice of the difference between a smoking area / beer garden and an outside eating area. We sat outside an empty restaurant yesterday and had a cigarette before our lunch arrived. Whilst we were smoking a couple chose the next table to us and tutted as they sat down.
After our lunch, we walked away to smoke. I can't enjoy a cigarette with a tutter . I only smoke when I'm not in the company of my kids so it's rare and I know I ought to give up. But they could have sat literally anywhere else!!

Very considerate of you. And yes, absolutely they should have sat somewhere else if they had a problem with smoke.

Hmmm I used to smoke and then vaped for a good couple years after that . In a more “boozey” sort of pub Especially if others were smoking then I’d feel perfectly ok to smoke Sat at a table but tbh somewhere a bit calmer / food been served Etc I would normally go stand out the way to smoke if I was sat closely to others, I just felt to awkward otherwise in case the smoke blew over on to them .

I think you maybe should have not shrugged initially op but I understand how confrontation can be a bit awkward and not saying what you’d really like to say

@chocolatesaltyballs22

Very considerate of you. And yes, absolutely they should have sat somewhere else if they had a problem with smoke.

Really don't be worried about saying "yes, I mind". Most of us wouldn't ask and would stand to one side. Not plonk down next to you! I would not be offended in the slightest if I did ask and you said no. I'd rather know!

You've said and implied a few times that you don't like/ aren't very good at confrontation with strangers, but i don't really see any confrontation on her behalf. She asked you if you minded if she smoked, not if you'd like a thick ear.

I read something really good i think on mumsnet about two types of people- the type who will ask for what they want and be okay with a yes or a no response on the basis that if you don't ask you don't know, and the type who will only ask if they're reasonably certain that the answer will be yes, are horrified that they might have caused offence if it's a no and think it's rude of people to ask if they're not fairly sure the answer will be yes. I suspect you and the smoker were just different types of question askers

Yeah I think I've my lesson for if I'm in this situation again - thanks everyone!

learnt my lesson, that should say.

It's a bit odd when people can't answer simple questions. Shrugging was a bizarre response and quite rude. If she'd lit up without asking you, you would have been annoyed no doubt.

this question is similar to the 'do i look fat in this?' question. they have an answer in mind before they ask and if you don't give the correct answer, they'll get pissed off.

@strawberrymilkshakemonkey

this question is similar to the 'do i look fat in this?' question. they have an answer in mind before they ask and if you don't give the correct answer, they'll get pissed off.

No necessarily. Some smokers are just asking the question as they don't want to bother other people excessively but prefer not to inconvenience themselves by moving away.

In my experience, the type of people who don't care just light up anyway. The type of people who are considerate, move away regardless. Those somewhere in the middle, ask the question in the hope you will say it's ok but will move away if you don't.

There are a small minority who like to pretend they are considerate and ask, assuming you will be too awkward to say no. They can get the huff if you say you do mind but they are not so frequently encountered.