Do you mind if I smoke?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

We were in a pub the other day, big outdoor seating area which was covered over. People eating lunch (we weren't eating). Me & husband only.

Woman on next table says (just to me): 'excuse me, do you mind if I smoke?' So I just kinda shrugged, because I did mind but I didn't really want to say so. But she pushes it and says 'what does that mean?' So I replied well it's an outdoor area so I can't stop you but do I like smoke? No.

She kind of finished her drink and went off in a huff very quickly so I felt bad. But it seemed like there was only one acceptable answer to her question.

What would you have said in that scenario?

I wouldn't have asked you if I was her. It was very polite of her to do so. She's allowed to smoke outside.

It’s not ok to smoke in a public place outdoors within the premises of a cafe, pub or restaurant

Yet the law quite clearly states it is.

I’d have asked her to wait until I’d finished eating.

there's no answer that is both polite and truthful. Obviously the smouldering turd is unpleasant for anyone who doesn't smoke, so unless it is a smoker who is about light up, the truthful answer will always be 'yes, I do mind'.

other replies have been 'if you don't mind if I burst into flames' or 'if you don't mind if I fart'

as I said, polite or truthful, not both. I'd go for truthful. Shift downwind, turd-burner.

It was very impolite of her to ask you. She should have taken herself away from others to partake in her filthy habit

@Catlover77

It was very impolite of her to ask you. She should have taken herself away from others to partake in her filthy habit

Why? She could have been sitting next to (former smoker) me, who’d have said “Go ahead and blow the smoke my way”.

@Alsohuman

The alternative would be to not smoke in a place where people are eating and you will be in close proximity to others. Smoke is simply gross and second hand smoke is still damaging to others who inhale it, is it really so unreasonable to not want someone puffing it into your face? I hope that soon smoking will only be allowed in specific smoking facilities or in private homes, the vast majority of us find it’s effects negative and would benefit from it not being in our proximity

It was very impolite of her to ask you. She should have taken herself away from others to partake in her filthy habit

No she shouldn't have done that unless she had wanted to. She has every right to smoke outside.

I hate the smell of smoke. makes me feel sick - I would love to think I'd of been straight up about this but probably would of ended up doing the same as you in reality! a bit of a non committal awkward shrug! I think if you want to smoke and are near others who arent its polite to move away into an area where it doesnt affect them, she shouldnt ask in the first place. it's common courtesy

Don’t most pubs have a designated outdoor smoking area? Surely if you’re inside or outside, that’s where you go to smoke.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 - I would have said, “it’s kind of you to ask, as I know I can’t stop you, but to be honest, I would much rather you didn’t smoke near me.” I think your shrug probably made her feel unnecessarily bad when the situation could have ended with her feeling kind and thoughtful and you not having to put up with her smoke.

I smoke when I'm having a few drinks, would never do it when there are children or people eating in proximity, but have often asked others at nearby tables before lighting up, and have no problem at all getting up and going elsewhere if it's a 'we'd rather you didn't' or even a reluctant 'no problem' (I'm not an idiot, I can tell when it's a false answer).

According to this thread just to politely ask in itself is rude and aggressive so in future I won't bother and will just light up whenever I fancy since I actually have every right to. Thanks for the insights!

You shrugged she was asking for clarification...

@CurlsandCurves

Don’t most pubs have a designated outdoor smoking area? Surely if you’re inside or outside, that’s where you go to smoke.

Almost all the pubs near me allow smoking anywhere outdoors, although now al fresco dining is in more demand some have banned it in certain areas, or altogether, which is fair enough.

As a part-time smoker I wouldn't leave if they only had a non-smoking table available, I'd just move to the smoking area intermittently.

'She kind of finished her drink and went off in a huff very quickly so I felt bad. But it seemed like there was only one acceptable answer to her question.'

It's shite isn't it.

Smokers please know the answer is always yes, non smokers mind if you smoke. Do it in or around your home, not in public places. I was queueing up outside tescos the other day and the woman in from of me was fagging away seemingly oblivious to the fact everyone down wind was getting great stinking wafts.

Smokers please know the answer is always yes, non smokers mind if you smoke. Do it in or around your home, not in public places.

Speak for yourself. I’m okay with smokers smoking most of the time, particularly outside, especially if they are polite enough to ask or give me warning. The only hard exception is people smoking near children:

@chocolatesaltyballs22

The shrug was because I was taken aback and didn't know what to say. I don't particularly like confrontation with strangers. There was a family behind her who were eating, and she didn't ask them. I felt like she had asked me as I looked the most likely not to object.

I'm struggling to see how this was a 'confrontation'. She asked if you mind, which was considerate, and you feel like a stranger simply asking a question is confrontation and so gave a PA non-answer, until she asked you to clarify, so she moved away for her cigarette. This is such a non-event and I do think an adult should be able to summon the courage to say what they think when another adult asks a question (nothing in your post indicated she was aggressive or intimidating which would be different).

I say this as a non-smoker who doesn't particularly like the smell, I certainly wouldn't like it next to where I'm eating but can live with it near where drinking outside a pub for example.

@ArriettyJones erm no the exception should be anyone who doesnt particularly want smoke in their face, second hand smoking dangers is common knowledge these days no?

YANBU OP

Well done for not just saying "no not at all"!

[quote strawberrypip]@ArriettyJones erm no the exception should be anyone who doesnt particularly want smoke in their face, second hand smoking dangers is common knowledge these days no?[/quote]
“Erm no” I was talking about my “hard exception” to my generally relaxed attitude to smokers smoking (who DH is smoking near children.

I get to decide what my boundaries and my exceptions to my boundaries are. Not you.

(Which is smoking near children)^^

I agree with PP who says non-smokers don't want smoke near them. There may be some who "don't mind" but does any non-smoker really want to go home smelling of smoke? No.

If it is not a non smoking area then you can smoke, there are lots of non smoking areas. Pub gardens are normally seperated into covered outdoor (non smoking) uncovered and further down the garden (smoking). If it bothers you check the pub you go to has this arrangement beforehand.

The smell of alcohol turns my stomach and I'd like to see that banned from pubs.

The smell of alcohol turns my stomach and I'd like to see that banned from pubs.

I'm struggling to see how this was a 'confrontation'. She asked if you mind, which was considerate, and you feel like a stranger simply asking a question is confrontation and so gave a PA non-answer, until she asked you to clarify, so she moved away for her cigarette. This is such a non-event and I do think an adult should be able to summon the courage to say what they think when another adult asks a question (nothing in your post indicated she was aggressive or intimidating which would be different).

Exactly this. It’s as though being feeble has become fashionable.