To think your mum shouldn’t be at the birth?

[WhoWhatWheree]

Discussion with my DP, I think my mother does not need to be at the birth. He believes I am “weird” and most women want their mothers present.

YANBU= Your mother does not need to be present during the birth.
YABU = Your mother should be at the birth of your child.

I would have actually preferred to have gone and hid like a cat and given birth quietly

Sorry but this has me picturing you going off behind the sofa and licking your newborn!

My mother was there for DC1's birth (as well as DH, not instead). I regret that decision now, but not on account of anything she did or didn't do so much as because of the way our relationship has deteriorated since (which is unrelated). I do know that she was very moved by the experience of seeing a grandchild born and felt particularly close to DC1 as a result. I would not necessarily advise against it, even though I personally regretted it, but anyone thinking about having their mother there should perhaps think about the effect of that special closeness on wider family dynamics.

To be honest, I can understand women wanting support when they are giving birth, so I suppose those without a DP might ask their mum, or other female relative.

Those with a partner - surely they would want them there rather than their mum.

OP - you are not weird. And I suspect your DP is trying to get out of it.

I’d love to know whether there’s any research been done on this: whether couples who go through this important life experience as a couple, rather than needing other participants, are more likely to stay together long-term.

It's up to the mum, there's no right or wrong answer. Personally I only wanted dh.

No I didn't want/have my mum at my births. DH only.

@HeddaGarbled

I’d love to know whether there’s any research been done on this: whether couples who go through this important life experience as a couple, rather than needing other participants, are more likely to stay together long-term.

It’s probably the opposite. Countries where men are discouraged from the birth (and from seeing or living with wife / baby for the first 6 weeks) have lower divorce rates. Could be for a number of reasons (not all good) but one major positive is that women spend those first vital weeks of recovery / nursing supported by the women of their families and can explain higher breastfeeding rates.

Entirely up to the woman. I am very close to my mum so would definitely want her there for support.

I was my DD's birth partner, so she'd answer that yes, it's necessary. Traditionally it was usual to have your Mother with you, or another female relative. It was when I had my first in 1985, but I chose to give birth alone. I was thought of a strange for that.

It's upto the Mother and who she feels that she can trust.

^ obviously not at the expense of my DP. If I could only have one then he deserves to be there. But if I could have my mum too then I definitely would.

If my mum was actually kind and supportive I'd have wanted her there.

My mum is just about the last person on earth I’d choose to be my birth partner. I’d much rather do it on my own.

Tbh, the hiding away like a cat option appeals to me a great deal. 😁

My mum didn't want to be with me as she couldn't cope seeing me in pain. As soon as DS was born though, my mum stayed 4 nights with me and it worked out better as DH is self employed and couldn't take time off. My mum helped with everything in hospital and didn't sleep at all.

Nope. I split with ExH when I was pregnant. Paid for a doula rather than have my mother there - honestly couldn't have imagined anything worse than her there!

My mum has expressed an opinion in being there and I do not want her to be. I don't know how to tell her it's a no from me

I was adamant that I didn’t want my mum there, but the second they moved me to the labour wars I was asking for her. DP showed up (middle of the night) and I didn’t say anything to him but ‘get my mum’ until she got there

DP and I hadn’t been together very long though and I didn’t feel safe in his hands at that time IYSWIM. Not that he wasn’t wonderful but I didn’t trust him enough when I was that scared and vulnerable. Should I do it again I think we’d be ok just the two of us.

My DD had said all through her pregnancy that she only wanted herself and her DP at the birth, I had no issue with that at all, birth is such a personal thing, but my phone went at 3am and I could hear my DD screaming “I want my mum!” Best experience of my life. For their second child, it was all much quicker and we had their older DC, so it was just the 2 of them, we were there about an hour after so the 4 of them could bond.
I have been lucky enough to hold all of my grand children within a couple of hours of their birth, but to see my baby, have her baby was an experience I will remember forever, it was a privilege

DM would have been a far better birth partner than exP, but no, it never crossed my mind for her to be there for either birth - and whilst she would have been a better support, I would have felt too inhibited to be honest. At least I got to moo like a cow and swear uncontrollably during both labours whilst stark naked because exP was at least 50% responsible and got to enjoy his share of it

If my DD decides she wants me there, wild horses, etc. But it's entirely down to the mother to decide who she trusts enough to be there.

Mum was not there and did not want to be either.

Expect it depends on what other support you have and your relationship with your mother

I had my mum with me at my eldest DS birth and it was wonderful to have her their, she is calming and her presence reassured me and my DP, he went to get something to eat as it was a long labour and they took turns being with me.

I'd say no, but it's very personal. Only because my mum used to take my clothes off me/look down them without my permission when I was in puberty.
I can just about understand that others might have a different desire and for their mothers to be present, but that's only because I can't see past my trauma fully yet.

I didn't have my mum in the room with me but she did come to the hospital and care for DD whilst I was being stitched up and receiving treatment. I was able to recover better knowing she was being well taken care of my my mum

28 years ago, had my DH and MIL. I loved her and she had three children in the days when you weren’t allowed a DH or even a mirror. She had never seen a child born, and I was happy for her to be there, too. I would not have wanted my own mother. Different relationships. You should have anyone and everyone you want and no one that would make you uncomfortable.

I had my mum with me throughout my first one. It was lovely and comforting to have her there and was actually dh who rang her and asked her to come to the hospital. However we were always very close.

With second dc she stayed at home and looked after ds for us but came as soon as she could.

Afterwards, with both births, she stayed with us for 4 weeks to help which helped us all so much.

My 1st she was there 2nd no. Maybe husband is nervous an would like her there aswell as she can keep him calm 🤣