To think your mum shouldn’t be at the birth?

[WhoWhatWheree]

Discussion with my DP, I think my mother does not need to be at the birth. He believes I am “weird” and most women want their mothers present.

YANBU= Your mother does not need to be present during the birth.
YABU = Your mother should be at the birth of your child.

I had my mum with me and my husband. I couldn't have imagined doing it without her! If I had a choice of only either my mum and Husband I would have chosen my mum. Each to their own though. I think it depends on the type of relationship you have! No right or wrong answer really!

@Wolfgirrl

I do think there is a growing tendency to make birth into an "experience" for the partner and extended family, when the focus should be on the mother and baby.

I just think it has been turned into an 'experience' full stop. Anecdotally many older ladies (where the expectation was simply go into hospital, have baby, come home) say labour was much quicker & more straightforward back then, and are surprised that these days very long labours are quite common.

It is all dressed up as 'choice' and 'empowerment' but I think it just adds extra pressure and drags things out. Not to mention the PTSD/disappointment when your planned candlelit water birth becomes an emergency caesarean.

I think we should cut the illusion that it is something we have any control over and just treat it like the means to an end it is.

This is so very true.

I had mine in the mid 70s when you just did as you were told. The enema and pubic shave came as quite a shock! The real difference was we stayed in a week, were shown how to look after our baby and got a decent night’s sleep while we were there. Fathers visited for a couple of hours in the evening and were sent home at 8pm on the dot.

We had no expectations except we knew there was a good chance it would hurt. I thought the absolute world of my mum but it never occurred to either of us she’d be present for the birth.

@Alsohuman - seriously? Lack of info, enemas, shaves and episiotomy as standard and that’s better than being informed? There’s absolutely no evidence whatsoever that labours are longer now . Anecdotes are not evidence. My mother gave birth in the mid 70s and was treated like a schoolgirl. I find this backlash against informed choice concerned.

Up to the individual. I think on balance I'd want mine there for birth and afterwards. I'm her child and her priority and she'd fight like a tiger for me. I trust my other half to do the same but I know I would be my DMs total priority above all - I'm her only child. She's also been through the whole thing before and she's who I'd turn to for help with a baby.

@Alsohuman

The real difference was we stayed in a week, were shown how to look after our baby and got a decent night’s sleep while we were there.

Weirdly enough I was saying this is exactly what we need on another thread a few months back!

Mainly with regards to breastfeeding. I think breastfeeding groups etc are silly, if you havent cracked it after a few days you dont have a week to wait until the next class. They just encourage women to drag out the struggle while baby goes hungry. A week in hospital would give you the best chance, if it isnt working after that it basically wont work full stop.

Also the rest- they dont offer to watch the babies while you sleep now. I dont believe in having men on postnatal wards but I had no choice but to ask DP to stay as I couldn't physically get out of bed to fetch the baby.

@Musmerian what does 'being informed' mean and how is it better?

There’s absolutely no evidence whatsoever that labours are longer now

Yes there is: www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2012/03/30/149718838/babies-take-longer-to-come-out-than-they-did-in-grandmas-day

But what’s important to remember is that shorter doesn’t automatically mean better. Longer labours might be the result of pain relief that makes labour a lot more bearable, or it might simply be reflective of the body types, ages etc of today’s mothers.

There’s no issue with labour taking longer if it’s safe, particularly if it means the experience is better for the mother (assuming no detriment to the baby, obviously).

My sister and mum both think I’m an awful prude for not wanting anyone other than the midwife and my husband at my births. I’m not at all, I just didn’t want them there! I’m close to both of them and it wasn’t an argument or anything, just a conversation (after both births btw so moot anyway) but I was really surprised that either of them would even want to be there.

Episiotomies were never standard. None of my friends had them.

I can't think of anything worse. My blood pressure was bad enough when I was giving birth. Anyway our local hospital only allows for one birth partner so it was not an issue

@WhoWhatWheree

Okay, he’s said I’ve phrased it incorrectly- “Would you have your mother at the birth?” Is his question... I personally would not have her there and it seems as though most agree with me🤷‍♀️

I've been at the birth of 3 of my DGC . Only reason I wasn't at others was because a) I was looking after siblings b) was my DiL and she understandably had her mum!

I didn't intrude. I made myself useful where necessary and it was a real privilege.

My sister had our Mum there for both of her sons' births. I would have HATED it. Different strokes 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had my mum, dad & both parents in law 😂 they were there for practically the whole labour but baby was in distress towards the end so they had to leave the room. I have no doubt if that hadn’t of happened they would of seen the whole thing.

It’s totally up to mum, what ever you’re comfortable with.

My mum was quite unwell for years and there's no way she would have stood the hours and hours that I was in hospital and in labour with my first which was a stressful and difficult birth too. It would have caused a health crisis for her and while with hindsight, maybe she and I would have liked the ideal world scenario of having her there, due to the uncertainty of first time labour in general, we never discussed it. And with my second she was looking after my older one with my Dad's help. It was a much shorter labour and she was able to manage having them for that time. But really it didn't really enter my head to have her at the birth and I don't know anyone who had their mum there if they had a partner. Is it an age / class / regional thing?