To think your mum shouldn’t be at the birth?

[WhoWhatWheree]

Discussion with my DP, I think my mother does not need to be at the birth. He believes I am “weird” and most women want their mothers present.

YANBU= Your mother does not need to be present during the birth.
YABU = Your mother should be at the birth of your child.

Seen your second post now, and FWIW, I didn’t want my mum at my births.

The midwives did offer to call her for one of my births when I was taken to the labour ward, as DH couldn’t be there, but I asked them not to. I gave birth with only the medical people there.

No, not a being at the birth relationship.
Quite impressive that my mother turned up for my entry to the world really

I agree there is no "should" or "shouldn't".

I was pretty stunned when OBEM first aired and I watched a few to find that some people did seem to take "extras" with them to give birth. I had always assumed it was an incredibly personal and quite intimate moment for a couple. Yes, I get that for various reasons some people might not be able to have the father there, but out of those where he could.

However, the fact I can't get my head round why you would want to, doesn't mean that I don't see we are all different, and it is personal choice. What is important, is that it is the personal choice of the woman gibing birth, and no-one else should be insisting or trying to persuade her otherwise.

So the answer to the 2nd question is, "No, I didn't, and, quite frankly it never crossed my mind that it would even be 'a thing' (this was before MN and before OBEM)

YANBU= Your mother does not need to be present during the birth.
YABU = Your mother should be at the birth of your child.

Which one do I select if I think your mother should be at the birth if you want her to be there and shouldn’t be there if you don’t?

Maybe he’s scared and wants her there for selfish reasons (like he’s worried about having to advocate or about saying or doing the wrong thing).

Interesting comments! I didn’t have my mum at the birth of my daughter and because of that she didn’t speak to me for a year.

My mum was at my first birth.
Can't say she was a positive or negative being there, was not at subsequent births, I can't say i missed her?

I was at my grandsons birth, daughter wanted me there and there I was.
Was amazing to experience from the other side, and I was the first person to see him!

It's a very personal choice dependent on so many things.

DH suggested that my mum be with me for the birth of DC2 (DC1 was a prem c-section so a stressful situation) but I was adamant that I only wanted him. Towards the end of the labour when it was all going tits up and he was in pieces, I regretted that decision and could really have done with some calm, sensible support.

I was with my daughter ..I was her birthing partner. She is the most private person I know and we were so worried...it was the best experience for both of us ...brilliant midwife who straightaway understood the dynamics and ensured my daughters dignity...beautiful birth and amazing midwife 💕

I’m not particularly close to my mum and was even less close when I had my babies. However she was a midwife at the hospital where I had them and was working both days so she was bobbing about near the delivery room. I had my partner with me but if I hadn’t had him i would definitely have wanted her there. She told me after DC1 that she was glad I didn’t ask her to be there as she was terrified something would go wrong and she would never forgive herself if it was on her watch. When I had Dc2 stuff did go wrong and I really just wanted her there. I cried for her.

Each to their own but there is no way I'd have wanted my Mum there

Him telling you is all kinds of wrong, it's up to you.
I know Dd would want me there.

100% the personal choice of the mother. Mine was at the hospital, I didn’t think I’d want her there, but during my incredibly long labour I found her infinitely more helpful than DC’s father. In the end, I told them all to clear off and did the last 8 hours on my own because it was the only way I could focus.

I couldn't imagine anything worse than having my mum at my births. I would have actually preferred to have gone and hid like a cat and given birth quietly with no one at all around. However I had c-sections so that was never gonna happen!

But if people want their mums (or dads, husband, sisters, brothers, best friends, etc) there then that's great for them. I don't think it's weird. If anything I think I'm the weird one!

YANBU
I didn't want my mum there and she didn't want to be luckily.
My MIL dropped hints about being there but I was like no way

@LouiseTrees

Maybe he’s scared and wants her there for selfish reasons (like he’s worried about having to advocate or about saying or doing the wrong thing).

I wouldn’t call those selfish reasons. Many men (and women) can’t advocate for their partners against trained medical professionals.

This is why having and showing the mw / consultant at the labour unit a birth plan is important, not that the medical professionals will follow it, but that just the act of having one and discussing it with the mw/consultant gets you and your birth partner treated more considerately when it comes to being given an explanation for specific medical decisions.

My mum is my best friend and an amazing grandma. With DC1 I wanted her there, DP suffers with anxiety and sometimes he can fall apart in stressful situations and I felt like I needed guaranteed support. As it turns out both DP and my mum were there. My mum absolutely drove me mad (but by some miracle I managed to keep that to myself) and DP was amazing. For DC2 my mum was on grandma duties looking after DC1 which was the perfect solution 😁.

Absolutely no way would I have her there.

@Prettybluepigeons surely that’s not right for everybody though? Plenty of mums who aren’t with the dad anymore and would prefer their own mother there (especially a lot of very young mums). I think it’s down to who is going to be the best support for the woman in labour and who she wants there, and that isn’t always going to be the dad.

I had my mum there for my 1st...and i nearly killed her. Walked into my IV line multiple times, actually leant her full weight on my leg mid contraction while she was talking to the midwife, kept trying to hold my hand in a vice grip while i shook her off while again, contracting. Just a general pain in my ass. It was just dp and i with dd and it was lovely but she was still telling people she 'might' be there. Luckily dd was born too quick for that to happen anyway.

It was something DH and I did together. We created the children, he's a decent person and we could do it together. It was a pretty pivotal thing for him to see me pop his child out.
If DH had been unavailable then my mum would have been my #1 choice.

I’m really close to my mum but no way did I want her there, she wouldn’t have wanted to be either. It’s personal and I’m a very private person, it was nice to go through it all with DH and having anyone else there (except medical staff) would have taken away from that.

I seem to be in the minority amongst my friends though, most of them either had their mum there or wanted her there.

@GrumpyHoonMain totally agree. Selfish perhaps not the word but just pointing out to OP why, despite the obvious answer on this poll, her partner may have brought this up and to perhaps focus on that a bit

Dear lord, the thought of my mother at the birth of any of my children gives me palpitations and my youngest is 22! She'd not have coped, she'd have fretted about everything and made me worry about her, which isn't what you want when you're giving birth. She's very good at making everything about her, frankly. My DH, on the other hand is calm personified. Nothing fazes him, so he was my perfect birth partner.

Instead of him, or as well as him?