To think your mum shouldn’t be at the birth?

[WhoWhatWheree]

Discussion with my DP, I think my mother does not need to be at the birth. He believes I am “weird” and most women want their mothers present.

YANBU= Your mother does not need to be present during the birth.
YABU = Your mother should be at the birth of your child.

@C8H10N4O2

So he did appreciate the support my DM gave him and I am so glad she was there when I couldn't be. I don't think any of that makes him weak

My father went through the same with me and my youngest sibling but at a time when men were banned from the delivery room and facing the prospect of raising a clutch of us alone. His and DM's family were there to support him without needing to be in the delivery room, especially not in a delivery room where the mother would prefer it to be otherwise.

I agree it's entirely up to the woman giving birth, but I was disagreeing with the point that if a man struggles with the birth that doesn't make him unsuitable to be a birth partner. I'm really close to my mum and wanted her there, others feel different and that's completely up to them but making blanket statements like "they shouldn't be there" etc. Is silly as it does vary person to person. I wouldn't have wanted my mother in law there but that doesn't mean I think another woman shouldn't have hers there

I have told my sons that when their wives give birth, I will be there.I think mother in laws should be at the birth, not necessarily mothers

Wtaf?

@Adeleide2

I have told my sons that when their wives give birth, I will be there.

I think mother in laws should be at the birth, not necessarily mothers.

Really! I wonder how that went down!

I am very close with my sons and they agree I must be at the birth and make that clear to any future partners (they are currently both single) As a future MIL I feel I better take charge of the grand children straight away so will be very involved with both pregnancy and birth

@Adeleide2

I am very close with my sons and they agree I must be at the birth and make that clear to any future partners (they are currently both single) As a future MIL I feel I better take charge of the grand children straight away so will be very involved with both pregnancy and birth

Surely you're taking the piss?!

MiL from hell threads incoming when your sons find partners (if you don't scare any serious contenders away, assuming you're being serious).

Your mother doesn't need to be at your birth if you don't want her to be.

I had mine at my birth because I wanted support from her because we are close. In fact even my grandmother was at my birth

@NoWordForFluffy, yes obviously joking don’t worry.

Personal choice, for sure. I won’t be having my mother there when I’m giving birth but we do live in different countries and so it really wouldn’t be possible but even if it was, I’d prefer just my husband there.

[quote Adeleide2]@NoWordForFluffy, yes obviously joking don’t worry.[/quote]
Phew. I was hoping it was a parody on the controlling MiL threads on here!

I know some women want their mums at the birth of their children. I certainly did not. I asked DP not to tell her when I went into labour and told the hospital staff to keep her away for a few days (and we generally got on well, she’s lovely but overbearing).
It’s up to the one giving birth who they want, medical needs permitting.

Your mum should be at the birth if you want her there and shouldn’t be if you don’t. It really is just that simple.

I honestly can’t think of many people I would rather not be there than my mother! You’re vulnerable and I feel the fewer the better. The idea of my mum being there when I give birth terrifies me.

I wanted my mum. I didn't want my partner as we'd only been together a short time. In the end, she was mildly helpful, definitely comforting. Didn't notice him there although he was. Didn't notice the midwives or anyone else actually. Certainly not the f-ing ambient music and twinkly b-starding lights.

I do think there is a growing tendency to make birth into an "experience" for the partner and extended family, when the focus should be on the mother and baby.

I just think it has been turned into an 'experience' full stop. Anecdotally many older ladies (where the expectation was simply go into hospital, have baby, come home) say labour was much quicker & more straightforward back then, and are surprised that these days very long labours are quite common.

It is all dressed up as 'choice' and 'empowerment' but I think it just adds extra pressure and drags things out. Not to mention the PTSD/disappointment when your planned candlelit water birth becomes an emergency caesarean.

I think we should cut the illusion that it is something we have any control over and just treat it like the means to an end it is.

Anecdotally many older ladies (where the expectation was simply go into hospital, have baby, come home) say labour was much quicker & more straightforward back then, and are surprised that these days very long labours are quite common.

Not sure how that would work? Do you think women in labour can deliberately hold back the birth to get their money's worth from the birthing pool?

In my mother's generation they kept you in much longer than they do now, and what she describes is an altogether more restful experience of being waited on hand and foot. She got her breakfast brought to her on a tray with proper linen: I was told off for not getting my own when in agony after stitching and heavy blood loss.

These days they want you up and about as quickly as possible and out of hospital as soon as ever they can. Nurses are badly over-stretched and there certainly aren't the candle-lit bath resources available for more than a small sector of the population.

Anecdotally many older ladies (where the expectation was simply go into hospital, have baby, come home) say labour was much quicker & more straightforward back then, and are surprised that these days very long labours are quite common.

Labour does now take longer than it used to. In the 1950s the average labour time for a FTM was 4 hours. Now it’s about 6.5 hours.

But it’s not because of women just failing to get on with it or having uppity expectations about the ‘experience’ of labour. There are clear reasons. FTMs these days are on average several years older than those of the 1950s. They’re more likely to be overweight. They’re more likely to have pain relief such as epidurals or oxytocin which can slow down labour (but make it much more bearable). They’re more likely to be induced, and induced labours can be slower. They’re much more likely to give birth in a hospital, meaning they’re more likely to be lying down than moving about.

The hugely important thing to remember with all of this is that deaths as a result of childbirth have also hugely reduced. Labour might be taking longer now than 70 years ago, but it’s a great deal safer. And woman are much more empowered to make choices about their births, instead of just being subject to what a (traditionally male) doctor decides is best.

If you go into labour suddenly and your mum is with you or nearby, surely better your mum is there if your DP cannot make it in time?

I don't want my mum seeing my fanny !! Only me DH and a dr see that

I would have been against having my mum there but I just wanted it to be me and DH

@ZeldalovesLink
And woman are much more empowered to make choices about their births, instead of just being subject to what a (traditionally male) doctor decides is best.

Not really. My local hospital releases stats every week about the births that take place there. I just had a look at this month's and over 80% take place on either CDS or in theatre. 49% are c section or assisted delivery.

I know some women will opt for a planned c section, but the majority of mums wants a natural birth (usually water birth or at home) from what I hear. That is an awful lot of births probably not going to plan. Only 6% had a water birth according to the stats.

All 'birth choices' do it give a false impression that you have control over the situation, leading to disappointment afterwards.

But I will 🤐 now so as not to detail the thread!

I certainly did not want my mother there while I was giving birth. I don't think women who want their mother's there 'shouldn't' just because I don't and can't fathom a worse idea. I think most people, as shown by this thread, get that it's a person choice and those who find either are "weird" I guess aren't very understanding.

With my last child, one of the midwives who popped into the room heard my accent and started asking when my mother was "coming over" and going on about how important and great it was for mother's to have their mother's help. I chose to lie to her because it seemed so very important to her and I mostly wanted her to stop talking about it, but my mother hasn't ever 'come over', I actually hadn't seen my mother in nearly a decade at that point, she thinks everything to do with babies are gross and most of her stories about pregnancies were about how no one could tell when she was 8 months with me (there was a reason why even at two weeks late, I was quite small). Probably the worst person to be there, she'd probably have gone on about my 'cactus legs' as she called them when I didn't shave and how fat I was.

@Afternoon11

If you go into labour suddenly and your mum is with you or nearby, surely better your mum is there if your DP cannot make it in time?

We have different mothers! I’d Vastly rather give birth alone than with my DM there!

My mum ended up with me, not at all sure how, think DH invited her because he was going to have to leave. Wasn’t great tbh, but the midwife was very sensitive, and removed her when I asked her too.

Not really a yes or no blanket answer here, there is no ‘should’.

Completely the mothers decision. Me and my DP were more than happy to have my mum there. My best friend couldn't have thought of anything worse. Each to there own.