To think your mum shouldn’t be at the birth?

[WhoWhatWheree]

Discussion with my DP, I think my mother does not need to be at the birth. He believes I am “weird” and most women want their mothers present.

YANBU= Your mother does not need to be present during the birth.
YABU = Your mother should be at the birth of your child.

You're definitely not being unreasonable! I didn't even cross my mind to have my mum there while I was having my DC & she wouldn't have expected to be! I was induced & ended up having an emergency c section after only being 4 & and half cm dilated after 16 hours of labour. Just ignore your dp, its what your comfortable with, if you don't want your mum there, you don't have to!

Have you had a baby? The third person in the room isn’t a support to you - the mother rarely needs that as she has the midwives and her partner - that third person is a support for your DP

If DP needs a support person he is the wrong person to be a birthing partner. He needs to read up and prepare just like the mother does or lete someone else do it.

The only essential people are the woman and the baby. Anyone else should be at her invitation. If the father is going to struggle to cope then be honest enough to say so and don't guilt the mother into having additional people there for his benefit.

Fathers at births is a relatively recent phenomenon, the evidence on how this benefits the mother is pretty mixed but I've increasingly noticed a tendency to centre the wishes of male partners in maternity care rather than the needs of the woman and her baby.

I'm not answering either YANBU or YABU. It's not weird to want or have your mother their but only if you want and that is the important part, that the person pushing a little human out of them gets the final say - whatever that choice may be.

My mother turned up at the birth of my first child with my brother (14!) in tow, I didn't want them in but DP at the time gave permission on my behalf to let them in so he could go out (and the midwives allowed it!) I was so grateful when the consultant came and he chased them out.

its up to the person pushing a tiny human out of their body....

I had my grandma at mine. And my DP. Water birth.

I think the more people flapping around you, the more it slows things down. We really need to stop this obsession with birth being an 'experience' and focus on just getting it done.

I can’t think of anything worse.

I’m surprised your DH has raised this. Could it be that his mum is lobbying him for her to be there, and they have both been floored by the fact that your own mum won’t be there? Perhaps they hoped your MIL would get in on the basis of “fairsies”?
I agree that whatever the woman giving birth wants, without guilt or pressure, is what should be arranged.
I wouldn’t have wanted my mum, she’d have stressed me out. I love/loved her but I’d have had to kill her I think.

All the American teenage pregnancy programmes as well as OBEM and Social Media have a lot to answer for. When I gave birth in the 90s, it was the presumed norm that if you had a partner, he would be present; grannies being present was an option but unusual unless the woman giving birth was single and/or very young.

On some of those Teenage and Pregnant things there are whole families in the room, including sullen looking younger brothers with hoods up playing games on their phones. I just don’t get it.

I haven’t voted as I think if the woman wants her mum, MIL or any other person with her, it’s fine.

@C8H10N4O2

Have you had a baby? The third person in the room isn’t a support to you - the mother rarely needs that as she has the midwives and her partner - that third person is a support for your DP

If DP needs a support person he is the wrong person to be a birthing partner. He needs to read up and prepare just like the mother does or lete someone else do it.

The only essential people are the woman and the baby. Anyone else should be at her invitation. If the father is going to struggle to cope then be honest enough to say so and don't guilt the mother into having additional people there for his benefit.

Fathers at births is a relatively recent phenomenon, the evidence on how this benefits the mother is pretty mixed but I've increasingly noticed a tendency to centre the wishes of male partners in maternity care rather than the needs of the woman and her baby.

I tend to agree. My youngest child is nearly 15 now and I gave birth to him alone (well, with a MW) by choice. At the time I was a member of another large but now defunct parenting forum and mentioned that this was what I intended to do. The reactions were insane, and largely fell in to 2 camps. The first telling me that I would need someone there and couldn't possibly cope alone. Suppose, shock horror, I had to make a decision about something during labour?! Cos clearly pregnant women can't think can they? Or use a telephone if they want to talk to someone. . The others were telling me that I was an evil bitch who was depriving my DH of a life changing experience and that he would never "bond" with the child if he wasn't at the birth. What a load of crap. I am pleased to report that I coped perfectly well on my own and DH has exactly the same close relationship with his youngest child as he does with the elder two - the two people who actually wouldn't have coped alone during my labour and who were a far higher priority than the wants and needs of either myself or DH. If a woman in labour wants people around her then of course she should be able to have what she wants, within reason. But I do think there is a growing tendency to make birth into an "experience" for the partner and extended family, when the focus should be on the mother and baby. Some women will benefit from having their partners, mothers, friends or whoever with them and others won't. We don't stop having individual personalities when we get pregnant do we, but there is a tendency for all pregnant women to be treated the same. The current vogue, almost insistence, that the father or other family members must be there, is no better really than the complete ban on birth partners that existed in the past.

I have told my sons that when their wives give birth, I will be there.

I think mother in laws should be at the birth, not necessarily mothers.

@Adeleide2 aye right then

There is no Should.

It depends on the preference of the patient i.e. the one giving birth! And that depends on bonds between mum and daughter, other factors like medical risk, stress levels, how well each copes in situations (just because you want them there doesn't mean it's helpful them being there).

In my case, absolutely not.

My mother is a stressful flapper who would distract the medical team; she just doesn't cope well in stressful situations and would pose more risk. She herself would agree.

In my case I would absolutely reinforce that it's dd's choice of whoever she wants there... As is right. I would want to because I worry about her and would want to support especially if things start to go wrong, e.g. for instance I don't plan on telling her much detail about how touch and go / medical intervention was needed until her family is complete. In our case it's nothing genetic, just bad luck, so there's no point me scaring her or telling her my honest thoughts about it all

We just told everyone "mum and baby doing well" which is what most people seem to get comfort from until we were both going to be ok. I'm not sure about Sharing the details with her when she might consider having children herself

@Adeleide2 I think mother in laws should be at the birth, not necessarily mothers.

Is there any particular reason for thinking that?

FWIW, I think that insisting on attending a daughter in laws birth, regardless of your DILs feelings on the matter, sounds like a great way of causing arguments and family fall outs 🤷‍♀️

Persons present is entirely up to the woman giving birth. I find it bizarre that anyone would think otherwise

I had my Mum their for both of mine! It was great, she really helped me feel secure and confident. My husband waited outside for the first and was at home with my first whilst I gave birth to my second. I don't think there is anything wrong with it!

@C8H10N4O2

Have you had a baby? The third person in the room isn’t a support to you - the mother rarely needs that as she has the midwives and her partner - that third person is a support for your DP

If DP needs a support person he is the wrong person to be a birthing partner. He needs to read up and prepare just like the mother does or lete someone else do it.

The only essential people are the woman and the baby. Anyone else should be at her invitation. If the father is going to struggle to cope then be honest enough to say so and don't guilt the mother into having additional people there for his benefit.

Fathers at births is a relatively recent phenomenon, the evidence on how this benefits the mother is pretty mixed but I've increasingly noticed a tendency to centre the wishes of male partners in maternity care rather than the needs of the woman and her baby.

My situation wasn't the norm, but yes he did need support when his wife lay dying in theatre and he had no idea whether she was going to pull through. He'd only held a baby a couple of times before DD and he was sat there under the impression he might have to bring her up alone. So he did appreciate the support my DM gave him and I am so glad she was there when I couldn't be. I don't think any of that makes him weak

I had my mother with me for my first birth as I was very young and absolutely terrified. I'm glad I did as it was horrific and I was treated appallingly by the staff. Second birth I was still traumatized after the first and wanted her there with me again. I had my husband with me on the rest as I was much more confident and able and he was great

@Adeleide2

I have told my sons that when their wives give birth, I will be there.

I think mother in laws should be at the birth, not necessarily mothers.

Lolol. Right, let us know how that works out for you.

I was invited to attend the birth of my daughters baby as her birth partner because she was 16 and single and wanted me.

I was invited to the birth of one of my sons children by his WIFE. If he had asked me I would have said no. Giving birth isn’t a spectator sport and the only people who should be in the room, other than healthcare professionals are those invited, by FREE choice by the woman giving birth.

My MIL would have been banned from coming close for some time if she’d demanded to come in for my deliveries.

@Adeleide2

I have told my sons that when their wives give birth, I will be there.

I think mother in laws should be at the birth, not necessarily mothers.

I don't believe you. That has to be a wind up.

I'm with you, no way would I have her there. I didn't even tell her when I was in labour!

I was there for the birth of both of my grand-daughters. My daughter asked me to be there. I wasn't expecting it at all. I wouldn't have felt comfortable having my own mother present when I was giving birth. But it just felt like a tremendous privilege to be asked to be there and so I was happy to do so. My son-in-law was also there for both births. The first labour was very long and it meant that we could take it in turns to leave the room and get some fresh air.

It was hard seeing my daughter in so much pain for so long but it also showed me what an amazing warrior she was and I was so proud of her! My son-in-law said afterwards that it was a real help to him to have me there too. Now my eldest grand-daughter is five, I love to be able to tell her that I was there when she was born and welcomed her into the world. I think when you have your own children you're so caught up in the whole process it's just a relief that it's all over. When I saw my grand-daughters arrive in the world it was the most amazing moving experience and I cried when they were born. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

The current vogue, almost insistence, that the father or other family members must be there, is no better really than the complete ban on birth partners that existed in the past

I couldn't agree more. My eldest is late 20s, at that time there seemed not to be the same pressure on men to be at the birth - it was just about a choice rather than an obligation to make the whole thing an "experience". Most of my friends did have partners at births but plenty more had a sister, mother or friend instead without the father being stigmatised.

So he did appreciate the support my DM gave him and I am so glad she was there when I couldn't be. I don't think any of that makes him weak

My father went through the same with me and my youngest sibling but at a time when men were banned from the delivery room and facing the prospect of raising a clutch of us alone. His and DM's family were there to support him without needing to be in the delivery room, especially not in a delivery room where the mother would prefer it to be otherwise.

My daughter asked me to be there. I wasn't expecting it at all. I wouldn't have felt comfortable having my own mother present when I was giving birth

I think this is the key point, in both cases the woman's wishes were the driver.

My eldest was born in hospital, i only wanted DH there (and it was one person max anyway), it did go horribly wrong and he had that experience of being sent out whilst the emergency team swung into action. He wasn't short of support on the phone or willing to come in and be with him.

The younger ones were all born at home and DM was there too, but mainly because she had come to help with the older DC and somehow it seemed right to have her there but it was a much less "medical" experience at home. Maybe I'd have felt different in hospital, I don't know.

I think what bothers me about the whole fads and fashions in childbirth over the past 30 yrs is that they seem progressively less about the woman and her baby and more about the male partner, the extended family and the responses of the outside world. I don't remember half the angsting over "fair sharesies" and seeing the baby whilst it was stll vagina fresh either. Maybe I was just lucky to give birth before our lives were ruled by social media.

There's no should/shouldn't - the person giving birth gets to decide.