AIBU - wait to take hormonal contraception until we're official?

[missbunnyrabbit]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
I've never used hormonal contraception. Only ever used condoms.

Been seeing a guy since the start of June. We've struggled with sex a bit because every time he put a condom on, he would go soft. He said he's only used condoms and never had a problem before. So for now, we've been using the pull out method. I know, not good.

We had talked about other types of contraception. However...I have said that I am reluctant to try hormonal contraception when it is still early days for us.

That was my way of trying to say that I don't want to try them until we are official. U don't want to put myself through that when we haven't got a proper commitment yet. It has been 6/7 weeks, at least 20 dates and I am still 'the girl he is seeing'.

I've heard from lots of girls that hormonal contraception has so many uncomfortable side effects. It really scares me and I don't want to go through that for a guy I am only 'seeing'.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am but I am scared he will run because of this. We both really want me to be on proper conception. What do i do?

I was in your situation once.

My choice of sexual partner was so unbelievably terrible that becoming official was out of the question (although he'd have liked it!). It would have been mortifying to introduce him to friends and family as a sexual partner, so rather than break it off I just stealth-shagged him (followed by another 2-3 years of not sleeping with him, during which time he was convinced we were in a relationship no matter how many times I told him we weren't).

It took about 6 months of using the 'pull out method' (ie. not a method) for me to become pregnant, 2-3 months to terminate the pregnancy, 6-7 months of extreme and debilitating mood swings and other hormonal side effects, and about 7 YEARS before my self-esteem recovered enough to enable me to settle down with somebody worthy of my love.

I highly recommend that you bypass the bit where you have an unplanned pregnancy and either sort out contraception now, or abstain from sex until you've decided what contraception to use.

I hope you're young like I was (21/22, can't quite remember - I've blocked out the minor details). Please learn from my mistakes.

@missbunnyrabbit

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable. I've never used hormonal contraception. Only ever used condoms.

Been seeing a guy since the start of June. We've struggled with sex a bit because every time he put a condom on, he would go soft. He said he's only used condoms and never had a problem before. So for now, we've been using the pull out method. I know, not good.

We had talked about other types of contraception. However...I have said that I am reluctant to try hormonal contraception when it is still early days for us.

That was my way of trying to say that I don't want to try them until we are official. U don't want to put myself through that when we haven't got a proper commitment yet. It has been 6/7 weeks, at least 20 dates and I am still 'the girl he is seeing'.

I've heard from lots of girls that hormonal contraception has so many uncomfortable side effects. It really scares me and I don't want to go through that for a guy I am only 'seeing'.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am but I am scared he will run because of this. We both really want me to be on proper conception. What do i do?

Why on earth do you think that a reliable contraception method only comes with a "committed relationship"? It is your body, your decisions, you make the choice, but because he gets "soft" you think you are unattractive!! "Uncomfortable side effects"?Get yourself to to GYN inform yourself properly otherwise you are up sh''t creek.

None of it makes sense at all.

You are afraid of hormonal contraception, yet you are not afraid of getting pregnant nor having an abortion. Those would be much greater side effects than anything from hormonal contraception!

The relationships not ready for you to use hormonal contraception because you are not a couple, but it’s ready for for you become pregnant and you both have to deal with the fallout.

Huh?

There’s no way someone who saw a future with you would knowingly put you in a position where you’re likely to need a termination.

This. From everything you have said he doesn't want a committed relationship, doesn't want to wear condoms and doesn't care if you get pregnant, he'll just leave you to it.

And he already had an sti test to show you (convenient) , so he is or was sleeping around right? You do need to get yourself tested.

I don't think this is a good or healthy relationship for you I'm afraid.

Not everyone suffers from side effects from the pill, it's a little naive to rule it out because you're worried about that, given you are sexually active and risking pregnancy. Speak to your GP, there are different types and brands and you'll find one to suit you. You could talk to them about your low self esteem too 💐

Go back to condoms. Hormonal contraception almost killed me.

Oh OP, this is such as sad story, I really feel for you.
I work in sexual health and I have a couple of suggestions that might help:

1. He gets some condoms and he wanks on his own with the condom on. The more he gets used to the sensation the less likely he will be to lose his erection. Once he's mastered this he can come back to you. Until then there are a million fun and exciting things to try that aren't going to put your health at risk.

2. Have a wee look at this website - www.fpa.org.uk. This is the Family Planning Association's site and they have a huge amount of useful and easy to use information about contraception. As PP have said, everything has side effects but not everyone will have the same side effects and not everyone will find the same side effect unacceptable. It really is a case of weighing the whole picture up and seeing which trade off works best for you.

3. Please have a look into improving your self esteem. All of us are worth it. As your starting point take that sex should be a wonderful, enriching and fun part of your life and you deserve to feel this way about it. There are some amazing online resources available but they can be specific to each region so have a wee Google.

Best of luck x

@JizzPigeon22

Jesus Christ how old are you?!

How is her age relevant?

#BeKind

Go back to condoms. Hormonal contraception almost killed me.

You must realise though that this is unusual/extreme. Millions worldwide take HC with little or no effects every day.

OP this thinking is messed up but I can see how you got there.

Essentially (in your mind) by going on the pill elevated him to "the one you went on the pill for". While you're just "the girl he's seeing". Right?

But that is the road to an unwanted pregnancy. The withdrawal method is far from secure, putting it mildly.

Many women go on the pill on the off chance of an unforeseen shag. It's just being sensible.

You don't want hormonal contraception but you are happy to get pregnant with an ineffective way of contraception (pull out method)

Haven't read the thread but hope you both had STI screens prior to starting a sexual relationship.

Just a factual comment.

Tests for chlamydia and gonorrhoea are not necessarily positive until 2 weeks after getting an infection. HIV and syphilis are 3 months. So if he had sex with anyone else in that time period before testing they are not accurate.

OP, feel free to tell me I'm wrong, but I don't think contraception is the only worry in this relationship. It's only very early days, and already there seems to be a lot of onus on you to 'sort' things - you're researching contraception options, considering a plan of action in case of pregnancy etc. This is a lot of pressure for early days and it's clearly not making you very happy.

As an 'intermediate' solution, why doesn't he look into extra-thin condoms? Weirdly, we've found that Tesco's own brand give a much for 'true to life' sensation than any others we've used. Ask him to try that.

This shouldn't all be on you. Please be good to yourself.

I can assure you the hormonal contraceptives are nowhere near as challenging on your body as pregnancy or an abortion.
I hope you've both had sexual health check ups.

First of all I suggest you do a pregnancy test asap, as it may already be too late.
I am sorry, but you say you are not stupid but all your actions are pointing that way. I cannot fathom your reasoning at all, can you?

Go and discuss contraception with a nurse at a clinic, it does NOT as many others have said have to be hormonal. A diaphragm is easy with no side effects unless you are allergic to spermicide cream and even then there are different types to counteract this. What you are doing is Russian roulette and its wrong to use abortion as a birth control method. If you are mature enough to be having sex you are mature enough to both look at options and take some bloody responsibility for avoiding pregnancy, sti’s.