AIBU - wait to take hormonal contraception until we're official?

[missbunnyrabbit]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
I've never used hormonal contraception. Only ever used condoms.

Been seeing a guy since the start of June. We've struggled with sex a bit because every time he put a condom on, he would go soft. He said he's only used condoms and never had a problem before. So for now, we've been using the pull out method. I know, not good.

We had talked about other types of contraception. However...I have said that I am reluctant to try hormonal contraception when it is still early days for us.

That was my way of trying to say that I don't want to try them until we are official. U don't want to put myself through that when we haven't got a proper commitment yet. It has been 6/7 weeks, at least 20 dates and I am still 'the girl he is seeing'.

I've heard from lots of girls that hormonal contraception has so many uncomfortable side effects. It really scares me and I don't want to go through that for a guy I am only 'seeing'.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am but I am scared he will run because of this. We both really want me to be on proper conception. What do i do?

@OliviaBenson

Op are you ok? I'll not lay into you but you know you have made a huge mistake here.

I'm worried you say about your low esteem, you are at risk of being in abusive relationships. Get some standards and boundaries in place. Know your own mind and speak it! If you want more with him ask, if he says no move on.

What would happen if you got pregnant with him? Would you keep it? Do you think it will mean he'll commit?

@OliviaBenson I am OK, thanks for asking. Low self esteem is something I have always really struggled with, but it got worse when I was dumped last year by my first boyfriend. If I got pregnant, I would abort. He has been clear that he doesn't want kids and wouldn't want anything to do with one.

don't want to put myself through that when we haven't

So you would rather risk pregnancy with the 'withdrawal method'. Do you mean that you are tracking your temperature daily to spot when you are ovulating and refraining from PIV intercourse around your ovulation ?

Or do you just mean hoping for the best ?

Because, seriously now ...

i am scared he will run because of this

I sincerely hope this is a reverse. All those threads I read with horror about setting up a home and wandering into being a SAH parent with no security.

What the hell. So you’re basically refusing to go on the pill until he makes you his proper girlfriend - that’s one way to scare a man off. Sure he’ll ask you to be his girlfriend when he’s good and ready not when you’ve pressured him into it.

You don’t sound mature enough to have a baby so I would get that doctors appt booked ASAP. It’s you that will end up pregnant so you need to take the initiative here.

FFS the risks of pregnancy far outweigh the risks to contraception, it sounds like you should start planning your baby shower and life as a single parent.

Yes, every form of contraception has some downsides but it is still very safe.

At the very least track your cycle and use natural family planning, it still has a high failure rate but having unprotected sex has a huge risk of pregnancy.

Abortion has possible side effects🤷🏻

There’s a name for people who use coitus interruptus - it’s parents. Sorry, OP, it’s distressing to know that insane attitudes like yours still exist. The very time to use cast iron contraception is when you don’t have a solid relationship. Or not sleep with someone when you’re “just seeing” them.

If I got pregnant, I would abort. He has been clear that he doesn't want kids and wouldn't want anything to do with one

But he won't wear a condom, and is making feel like you have to have unprotected sex otherwise he will leave you. Honestly I don't usually say this on here, but honestly, run. Work on yourself and don't look back.

@TeddyTeddy

There’s a name for women who rely on the pull out method. It’s mummy!

Lol!

I had no children from 16 years on the pill.
2 kids from the pull out method conceived at the end of my periods.
No children from the coil.

Pull out method = No Contraception = Kids.

I have the copper coil and it's fine! No real side effects and mo hormones!

You're concerned about possible side effects of hormonal contraceptives or coil, but not concerned about the actual side effects of pregnancy or termination? Odd.

Ahhh op, if you were my friend I'd want to shake you but then give you a big hug, it sounds like you need it.

You need to love yourself more. Has something happened to you in your past?

Also copper coil has side effects, but they are minimal and there's lots of choices out there to find something that suits. Is there something else going on that makes you afraid of contraception?

Abortion isn't an easy route to take at all.

Look after yourself xx

I agree with StapleMaple.
Honestly a decent human being should not reject the idea of using contraception and put all the demands on you. Think about it; I bet if you were a man would you say to your partner "I'm scared of committing/we're not exclusive/I wont use condoms and contraception is up to you" . Would you? I bet no. Because you have respect and I bet you care for others.
Bottom line is, and always has been, wear a condom! When did this change? When I was in my twenties this was standard.
I'm a bit concerned that he wont fully commit but wont wear a condom. To me this screams player.
Also- what's with a condom making him soft? And how has this turned into something that you feel conscious about? Like it's your fault? Has this been his line for a while I wonder? If so I guess he's been have unprotected sex for a while.
He sounds like hard work to be honest. What else will be "your" issue to sort in the future?
Also I have taken hormonal contraception for almost 30 years and never had a problem.

I think this update is the worst bit:

He has been clear that he doesn't want kids and wouldn't want anything to do with one

OP: I'm really sorry but I think he's playing on your insecurities so he can have condom-free sex whilst you tie yourself in knots trying to please him. He doesn't want kids, yet he's having unprotected sex - he's taking no responsibility and is clearly telling you who he is.

He doesn't sound like a keeper.

Spend some time without a relationship - work on yourself and your boundaries - you are worth much more than this @missbunnyrabbit

The pull out method as your only protection a month into a “relationship”? (I use quote marks as you say you’re not yet official, it’s not meant to be bitchy or anything)

Please rethink that. Pregnancy isn’t the only thing to be concerned about here- STDs can also have a massive impact on your life.

I really don’t understand why you’re so worried about hormonal contraception. Yes it can have side effects but almost every woman I know is on it in some form, presumably they’re not all suffering horrendous side effects. I know of someone who got migraines from the pill - she now has a coil, for example. I have nothing but positives to say about the pill - for me personally it meant my periods were much lighter and no pain/PMT - I’m now in the minipill and don’t have periods at all. So there are definite upsides too!! (As well as avoiding unwanted children)

I also had the copper coil for a long time with no side effects. I got it taken it when I wanted kids.
Op I think you need to re-evaluate your position on contraceptives. Speak to a sexual health practitioner and get the facts

I couldn't take hormonal birth control and I'm allergic to latex

So we'd not be having sex at all

Lols.

But I'm sorry. Haven't rtft. But I can't get over it. Using pull out method. Doesn't want to use hormonal contraception but doesn't care if she gets herpes.....

Also, just because hormonal birth control can have side effects, it doesn’t mean you’ll experience them! And if you do there are plenty of hormonal (and the copper coil which is non hormonal) methods you can try.

FWIW I am on the depo injection and experience no side effects (apart from no periods - which I like) despite not being in a sexual relationship with anyone. I do this because I want to protect MYSELF as I don’t want a baby outside of a committed, mutually agreed relationship and I am the one that would have to deal with an unwanted pregnancy.

Regardless of clear tests. Doesn't mean he's clear.

Wait. You'd abort because HE doesn't want a child. Or anything to do with one?

What do YOU want

I'm surprised he doesn't want kids yet refuses to do anything about it.

This just gets worse with every update. You've known this idiot a month and he's already the boss of you? He won't put your mind at rest by calling you his girlfriend. He won't use condoms. He won't ensure any other contraception is used. He won't want anything to do with you or any baby that results in him getting shagged the way he wants.
Seriously, expect better!

I'm worried that someone is so naive nowadays about contraception. Pulling out does not work because you're relying on him to do so and he can fuck off and leave you holding the baby. Literally.

@missbunnyrabbit EVERYTHING has side effects, you’re worrying about something you might not even get, I have a hormonal coil, it’s got some side effects but none that are more life changing than getting pregnant and none that I could have from having an abortion. Please speak to your GP, there are so many contraceptions out there and your thinking is very worrying.

Why are you so afraid of side effects of contraception (yet aren't afraid of the prospect of an abortion??)!! If you have nasty side effects, then you simply stop taking it. How would you know without trying it?

This is all very strange op!