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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - wait to take hormonal contraception until we're official?

190 replies

missbunnyrabbit · 24/07/2020 17:10

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
I've never used hormonal contraception. Only ever used condoms.

Been seeing a guy since the start of June. We've struggled with sex a bit because every time he put a condom on, he would go soft. He said he's only used condoms and never had a problem before. So for now, we've been using the pull out method. I know, not good.

We had talked about other types of contraception. However...I have said that I am reluctant to try hormonal contraception when it is still early days for us.

That was my way of trying to say that I don't want to try them until we are official. U don't want to put myself through that when we haven't got a proper commitment yet. It has been 6/7 weeks, at least 20 dates and I am still 'the girl he is seeing'.

I've heard from lots of girls that hormonal contraception has so many uncomfortable side effects. It really scares me and I don't want to go through that for a guy I am only 'seeing'.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am but I am scared he will run because of this. We both really want me to be on proper conception. What do i do?

OP posts:
HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 24/07/2020 18:47

I wouldn't be telling him I won't have unprotected sex until you are in a committed relationship. You shouldn't have unprotected sex until you are ready to start a family. Many people in very committed relationships, married etc still rely on having protected sex in order to not become pregnant.

Twigletfairy · 24/07/2020 18:49

The mind boggles.

You won't use hormonal contraception until you're official, but you're happy to have unprotected sex?

You just can't make this shit up

Emeraldshamrock · 24/07/2020 18:54

Start taking something anyway early pregnancy is far worse than a contraceptive pill especially if you don't want to be pregnant.
I bet he isn't use to using condoms at all he is bull shitting you otherwise he'd stay hard afterall he can manage without one. Did you both an STI test before going bare.

anon444877 · 24/07/2020 18:54

Stop having sex with him until you agree on a method of contraception - I’ve used the pull out method only at times when I’d be happy to have had another child, it’s not for when you don’t know whether you are committed enough to use long term contraception.

Ohtherewearethen · 24/07/2020 18:55

This is all arse about face. Ideally you should have sorted out which contraception works for you both before having sex with him. It sounds a bit like you're frightened of losing him/desperate to keep him so are going along with what he prefers. Not getting on with condoms is the number one phrase of any player. How much do you actually know about him? It's only been a month. I just can't understand the thinking behind you needing him to call you his girlfriend before you'll protect yourself from STIs and pregnancy. It's usually the other way around. For good reason. If he respected you and cared about you he'd understand that you are not going to have unprotected sex with him. You need to wise up fast. Assuming this is true, naturally.

OliviaBenson · 24/07/2020 18:58

Op are you ok? I'll not lay into you but you know you have made a huge mistake here.

I'm worried you say about your low esteem, you are at risk of being in abusive relationships. Get some standards and boundaries in place. Know your own mind and speak it! If you want more with him ask, if he says no move on.

What would happen if you got pregnant with him? Would you keep it? Do you think it will mean he'll commit?

HisNibs · 24/07/2020 18:59

Op, you'll never know if you will get on with the pill unless you try so in that respect, you've nothing to lose. If you get any unwanted side effects, stop taking it and try something else.
The only men I've heard of that go soft putting on condoms are the ones that don't want to use them. I'm not aware of any pressure point on the penis that causes an erection to vanish when putting a condom on, it's psychological.
As a pp said, stop looking at it in the sense of worrying about scaring him away. If insisting on contraception scares him away then he's a complete loser and you're well rid.

Leaannb · 24/07/2020 19:00

You should always use 2 methods of birth control. You are being massively unreasonable. You don't want to take the risks of hormonal contraception without being official but you are taking the risk of getting pregnant before being official

Emeraldshamrock · 24/07/2020 19:01

Don't feel bad you are getting advice you've done the right thing.
Looking after yourself needs to come first and if he does leave at least you're covered for your next date Smile Not from STI's just pregnancy.
If you genuinely don't see yourself with a DC in the next few years try the coil.

Veganforlife · 24/07/2020 19:04

Why are you having sex when he’s not committed to you he could be sleeping with other people.
Unless your sleeping with other people too ,then it makes sense
Otherwise, I’d say he’s using you ,

cptartapp · 24/07/2020 19:09

The fact that he's happy to maximise his pleasure over the real risks of leaving you as a LP to his child cus let's face it, he won't be the sole parent of any child that comes about because of this would tell me enough to know he's not a keeper anyway.

Pebblexox · 24/07/2020 19:09

Many people in very committed relationships, married etc still rely on having protected sex in order to not become pregnant.
^^
This! I'm married, have on dd and currently have the coil as neither me nor dh is want another. Contraception isn't just for when you fancy a bit, it's to protect yourself from unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. Also as others have said, given you aren't official you really should be protecting yourself from stds. If he won't use condoms, have you requested he be tested? You need to get yourself tested to ensure you haven't caught anything.

ShandlersWig · 24/07/2020 19:10

*The mind boggles.

You won't use hormonal contraception until you're official, but you're happy to have unprotected sex?

You just can't make this shit up*

^^ This.

ChristmasFluff · 24/07/2020 19:10

So he's so frightened of commitment that you are afraid of him running away if you make him use condoms - yet he;s willing to rusk the commitment of being a father........

This one isn't a keeper, OP. Seriously. This should have you running for the hills

Original poster
missbunnyrabbit · 24/07/2020 19:11

I told him we need to get tested and he showed me a test he got done a few weeks ago, all negative.

Also, he's been the only bringing up about getting on contraception. I made this thread cos he asked me about it again and I didn't know what to do.

I think this all comes down to trust issues and my low self esteem. I'm not a stupid girl, usually very sensible. Thank you to those who replied with advice. I looked into the copper coil but even that has side effects. :(

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/07/2020 19:13

@OliviaBenson

Op are you ok? I'll not lay into you but you know you have made a huge mistake here.

I'm worried you say about your low esteem, you are at risk of being in abusive relationships. Get some standards and boundaries in place. Know your own mind and speak it! If you want more with him ask, if he says no move on.

What would happen if you got pregnant with him? Would you keep it? Do you think it will mean he'll commit?

@OliviaBenson’s words are very wise indeed, @missbunnyrabbit.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/07/2020 19:14

If you have so low self-esteem you won't protect yourself from pregnancy, unless you want baby, you shouldn't be in a relationship

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/07/2020 19:14

Pressed early. You should first work on yourself

Staplemaple · 24/07/2020 19:15

You're not stupid, but the amount of men who miraculously have issues using condoms is quite predictable. You are an adult and can make your own decisions, but please don't rely on the pull out method just because he doesn't want to wear one, it's not reliable. Its also your body, if you don't want to go on contraceptives then don't, but he will either have to wear a condom or admit you aren't compatiable, which sucks I know.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/07/2020 19:16

I looked into the copper coil but even that has side effects. sad

EVERYTHING has possible side effects. Paracetamol, antibiotics, pregnancy, ginger, rosehip tea. Everything 🤷🏻

kazzer2867 · 24/07/2020 19:17

I don't think I am but I am scared he will run because of this. We both really want me to be on proper conception

Are you kidding? You barely know this man and you are prepared to risk your health. You are both irresponsible. My 20 year old son knows about contraception, that this is not a responsible method and the risks from STIs and even worse HIV. There have been several threads where pregnancies have happened and a lot of them were in committed relationships. So now he's been tested (really. Why didn't you say this before). I can only hope this thread isn't real (please).

Also, don't get the he doesn't want to rush into things and is cautious of commitment. Then you later say, we are exclusive. Time to know your self worth and put your health before a man.

EmbarrassedUser · 24/07/2020 19:19

I’m not sure what the right way to answer was so I clicked YANBU. By that I meant that YANBU to not want to try a hormonal contraceptive, however you should be aware of all the other risks. If you are ‘just a girl he’s seeing’ then it doesn’t sound as though he’s committed just yet (not to say he won’t though) Take care of yourself until things are clearer and don’t risk pregnancy/STD just in case he bigs off. If he’s nice he’ll stay. If he’s a shit he won’t and nothing you do will change that.

gobbynorthernbird · 24/07/2020 19:19

Have you taken a pregnancy test recently, OP?

EmbarrassedUser · 24/07/2020 19:20

*bogs off!!

Damn autocorrect 😅😅

KeepingPlain · 24/07/2020 19:20

Stop having sex with him!

If you don't want a baby, don't have one. You've no idea if he's doing this to try and trap you. You've no idea who he is.

Stop having sex and get proper protection. Yeah pill, implant, injection, coil, they all usually have side effects. But the other side effect of not using them is a screaming baby you're looking after by yourself wuth no money because dipstick boyfriend has fucked off to the next girl to impregnate.

If that's a future you want, continue on. But it doesn't sound like it, it sounds like you think you can't do any better. Dump him and be by yourself until you like yourself and are confident.