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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - wait to take hormonal contraception until we're official?

190 replies

missbunnyrabbit · 24/07/2020 17:10

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
I've never used hormonal contraception. Only ever used condoms.

Been seeing a guy since the start of June. We've struggled with sex a bit because every time he put a condom on, he would go soft. He said he's only used condoms and never had a problem before. So for now, we've been using the pull out method. I know, not good.

We had talked about other types of contraception. However...I have said that I am reluctant to try hormonal contraception when it is still early days for us.

That was my way of trying to say that I don't want to try them until we are official. U don't want to put myself through that when we haven't got a proper commitment yet. It has been 6/7 weeks, at least 20 dates and I am still 'the girl he is seeing'.

I've heard from lots of girls that hormonal contraception has so many uncomfortable side effects. It really scares me and I don't want to go through that for a guy I am only 'seeing'.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am but I am scared he will run because of this. We both really want me to be on proper conception. What do i do?

OP posts:
Graphista · 24/07/2020 20:57

Everything has side effects!

Condoms, pregnancy, birth, abortion...

Exactly which side effects are you worried about?

And quite frankly if you've never been pregnant before you definitely don't KNOW if you'd be ok with aborting!

Nobody does until they're in the position and quite honestly the likely side effects of contraception are much less impactful than a pregnancy!

I have endo and am not a fan of the coil generally as I think it's poorly designed and researched and the women who've reported problems haven't been taken seriously but I have been on the pill most of my adult life in fact since I was 14 barring when I was ttc, I have endo and if anything it's helped me!

Starbuggy · 24/07/2020 20:58

YANBU to not want hormonal contraception but YABVVVU to treat the withdrawal method as contraception.

You’re concerned about taking the pill early in a relationship but are happy to have a baby? Don’t be ridiculous, use proper contraception!

Underst00d723 · 24/07/2020 21:02

If you have only known him since June, why are you having sex with him ?

What is the big rush ?

Date

Wait

Are you exclusive yes/no

Sort out contraception for both of you

Then sex

Nixen · 24/07/2020 21:10

You’re having unprotected sex because you’re not ready to commit to the pill? You’re an idiot

WaterOffADucksCrack · 24/07/2020 21:13

I wonder how many of you had STI checks at every time you decided to have non condom sex... Every time! Some people may be happy to be riddled with STIs but I'm not! I've been with many people and always used a condom unless they have been long term relationships in which case I've been checked before we stopped using them.

FinallyHere · 24/07/2020 21:13

It makes me feel really unattractive.

As men get older, these are the things that happen. If you have a really good, honest relationship it is possible to talk about these things.

He should go to his GP and get checked out for all the really serious things it could be a first sign of.

Most important is to get comfortable wh someone before you have sex with them. That way , you can talk and resolve anything.

All the best.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 24/07/2020 21:19

If you have only known him since June, why are you having sex with him 😂😂😂 typical "the only sex i have is with my husband with the lights off wearing my dressing gown and slippers" Mumsnet.

Craiglang · 24/07/2020 21:37

Oh, OP. Please stop. Either protect yourself or stop having sex with him. If you're not willing to use hormonal contraception until you're sure he's serious, you shouldn't be having unprotected sex with someone you're not sure is serious.

You're worth more than this. Look after yourself.

TheTrollFairy · 24/07/2020 21:39

The hormonal pill can have side effects. I personally found the combined pill a dream (after the initial boob ache).
The withdrawal method has side effects - being pregnant and I can guarantee this has more effect on your hormones than the pill.

indemMUND · 24/07/2020 21:43

You'd abort if you got pregnant rather than take hormonal contraception? Give your head a wobble. What about side effects from that, never mind it being a fucking stupid way of dealing with this situation? Abortion as a back up like this is reprehensible.
OP read and consider the responses you've had carefully because I think you need a serious reality check.

Graphista · 24/07/2020 21:48

I wonder how many of you had STI checks at every time you decided to have non condom sex...

Aside from my first who was also a virgin? EVERY SINGLE TIME! It's not especially onerous and is a minor inconvenience to avoid lifelong issues or even at the time when I first became sexually active (early 90's) death!

Following a mc of an unplanned pregnancy at 18 I've always used 2 forms unless of contraception unless actively ttc

I really believe people have become FAR too complacent about sexual health.

Yes it's wonderful there's now treatment for hiv and hepatitis and those infected CAN have a relatively normal lifespan in many cases but it's not true for all of them. The treatments themselves can be very harmful/toxic and it means living your life on a fairly strict regimen of taking meds and living very healthily and monitoring your health.

I've nursed people with aids and hepatitis and it ain't pretty!

I've had a fairly...adventurous sex life since my divorce after a few initial years of celibacy but I still take care of my sexual health!

Forgivenandsetfree · 24/07/2020 21:53

If you're having sex you need some form of contraception, no matter what your relationship status is x

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/07/2020 21:59

"He has been clear that he doesn't want kids and wouldn't want anything to do with one."
Yet he's choosing to have unprotected sex, the surest way to get you pregnant? And then he will walk away?

This man - and I'm using the word in the loosest possible sense - is seriously not worth it. Dump, dump, dump. Then work on your self-esteem. You need to believe that you are worth more than being this arsehole's fucktoy, because you really ARE worth far more.

Graphista · 24/07/2020 22:01

Totally agree with all the posts saying dump the irresponsible loser too! And get some therapy.

Viviennemary · 24/07/2020 22:04

You are totally crackers. Either stop the physical relationship or use a reliable method of contraception.

Scarydinosaurs · 24/07/2020 22:06

Female condoms?

blubellsarebells · 24/07/2020 22:14

Well he doesn't sound like a keeper and you need to work on your self esteem and boundary issues. Urgently.
Stop having unprotected sex, you must be bloody mad, an unwanted pregnancy is easier to deal with than aids.
Ive never had unprotected sex without being tested and in a commited relationship.
Ive got an implant even though I hardly ever have sex, when I do its with the same person for the last 3 years and we always always use condoms because we are not commited or exclusive and frankly I dont know where he's been or what he's got.
I wouldn't even have sex with someone ive known all my life and with an implant without a condom.
Its about self respect.
Shame thats harder to get hold of than pills or abortions.

FilthyforFirth · 24/07/2020 22:18

Surely in a non exclusive setting a condom is what you should be insisting on, what about stds?? With previous boyfriends, and DH, I used the pill and condoms until were in a proper relationship and then sacked off the condoms.

Not meaning to pile on, I also suffer from low self esteem, but you dont quite sound mature enough to be having casual sex.

Being a single mum or having the stigma of an std is not going to help your self esteem at all. Bear that in mind going forward would be my advice.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/07/2020 22:18

Worried about the side effects of contraception but willing to risk pregnancy and STIs.

Cornettoninja · 24/07/2020 22:18

@missbunnyrabbit I hope you’re still reading because aside from your contraception issue (yes you’re being daft and taking massive risks) understand this - people lie. ‘Exclusive’ people lie ‘engaged’ people lie ‘married’ people lie. Do not base a decision that could leave you with life-long consequences (disease, after effects or a child) on what you want someone else to feel.

Do not let anyone influence your decisions when it will leave you dependent on their actions to avoid consequences.

Chocoholic12 · 24/07/2020 22:20

You sound really stupid OP. Hormone contraceptive scares you but pushing a baby out your vaginas fine?

AgentJohnson · 24/07/2020 22:26

At present low esteem isn’t your primary problem, your lack of maturity and basic understanding of contraception, is.

If you got pregnant, what the hell do you think would be in the MAP or a chemical termination? HORMONES!

Your current entanglement not being able to maintain an erection, is his problem, not yours to solve by being reckless.

VodselForDinner · 24/07/2020 22:47

If I got pregnant, I would abort. He has been clear that he doesn't want kids and wouldn't want anything to do with one

Sorry OP, but this guy doesn’t care about you and it sounds like he’s using you for sex.

There’s no way someone who saw a future with you would knowingly put you in a position where you’re likely to need a termination.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/07/2020 23:14

He has been clear that he doesn't want kids and wouldn't want anything to do with one. well he can solve it all and get a vasectomy

FortniteBoysMum · 24/07/2020 23:53

Your reluctant to use hormones because it's early days and your not official but your OK letting him use it without wrapping it when you don't know his not being unofficial with someone else as well as you. In which case not only may you end up with an unplanned pregnancy but an unplanned case of an std. I suggest you both get yourselves tested as clearly your not playing safe and you only have his word his used a condom with any other partner. Who is to say his not feeding you a line to make you think.... Well if his always used one with others he can't have anything to worry about. You seem so nieve. Honestly get tested, find out if you are official and use dome kind of contraception unless you actually want to fall pregnant now.