AIBU - wait to take hormonal contraception until we're official?

[missbunnyrabbit]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
I've never used hormonal contraception. Only ever used condoms.

Been seeing a guy since the start of June. We've struggled with sex a bit because every time he put a condom on, he would go soft. He said he's only used condoms and never had a problem before. So for now, we've been using the pull out method. I know, not good.

We had talked about other types of contraception. However...I have said that I am reluctant to try hormonal contraception when it is still early days for us.

That was my way of trying to say that I don't want to try them until we are official. U don't want to put myself through that when we haven't got a proper commitment yet. It has been 6/7 weeks, at least 20 dates and I am still 'the girl he is seeing'.

I've heard from lots of girls that hormonal contraception has so many uncomfortable side effects. It really scares me and I don't want to go through that for a guy I am only 'seeing'.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am but I am scared he will run because of this. We both really want me to be on proper conception. What do i do?

You are taking potentially grave risks, and seem more concerned with him 'running' than you do with either contracting a venereal disease or getting pregnant with someone you've only just started seeing.

I have never used hormonal contraception, because I don't want to, and either way, at this point, you should be using condoms, regardless of whether he can get it up with one on or not. If he can't, I'd be moving on, particularly in view of him apparently preferring you to risk an STD or pregnancy rather than him be mildly sexually inconvenienced.

I can't believe what I'm reading!!! talk about getting your priorities the wrong way round..............unless you want a baby then reliable contraception is a must. If you can't have a sensible conversation with him about the need for reliable contraception then you shouldn't be having sex with him. It doesn't say much about him either as he seems to be as irresponsible as you.

If you're (understandably) reluctant to use hormones have a discussion with family planning about alternatives.
The copper coil (?), female condoms, diaphragms etc may all be suitable x

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I wonder how many of you had STI checks at every time you decided to have non condom sex...

So, if a percentage of MNers on this thread haven’t had STI checks before having unprotected sex, does that make it bad advice, @SchrodingersImmigrant?

We've tried multiple times with condoms and he always goes soft. I do wonder if he doesn't fancy me enough. He said he does.

I'll tell him that I won't have unprotected sex in a casual relationship.

A copper coil is the obvious answer

But to be honest, you don't sound like you're old enough to have sex

So do other things until he’s got over his issues?

Seems likely he’s lying about having been fine with condoms with previous partners and pulled similar bullshit on them, instead of pulling on a condom!

After the STI check I would be on the pill to be sure I wouldn’t get pregnant and he would be using condoms just in case it wasn’t the exclusive relationship you think it is.
You haven’t even known him 2 months.

@missbunnyrabbit

We've tried multiple times with condoms and he always goes soft. I do wonder if he doesn't fancy me enough. He said he does.

I'll tell him that I won't have unprotected sex in a casual relationship.

Good for you.

Try non-latex condoms.

what are you, a teenager? If condoms aren't working, knees together until you are on the pill.

Christ alive, my 18yr old isn't this stupid.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I wonder how many of you had STI checks at every time you decided to have non condom sex...

Both times. I don’t want AIDS, thanks all the same.

What difference do non-latex condoms make?

I know everyone is saying I sound like a stupid dumb teenager, I'm not, I'm in my twenties with really low self esteem. And ok, yeah, stupid. Just always been so scared of hormones and side effects and so diappointed that he goes soft with condoms. It makes me feel really unattractive.

Have you not seen all the threads on here of women getting pregnant using the pull out method?
Seriously you need to sort out contraception before you sleep with him again. I know it’s different for many women but I’ve been on the pill for 15 years and have never had any side effects whatsoever. I’ve also been sexually active for the majority of that time and never got pregnant.

Oh ffs your worried priorities are up the left.

1. You could get an STI of a guy your just seeing.
2. Pull out method!! You could get pregnant

Get on the pill or whatever asap

Tell him you won’t have unprotected sex until you are both fully sti screened and you have found an alternative contraception that suits you. I’m really sensitive to hormonal contraceptives but found the mirena coil worked well for me for a couple of years.
No lectures or judgements but you need to be firmer on your boundaries and self worth here. He does not get to call all the shots while you take all the risk!! A decent man won’t put you in that position

Either get a copper coil (no hormones) or go on the pill. If one type of pill doesn't agree with you you can just stop taking it and try a different one.

"So for now, we've been using the pull out method."
Are you fucking insane!?! You are having unprotected sex with a bloke who is seeing you casually, who you are "really wary of making him feel like he has to be my boyfriend, because I know he doesn't want to rush into things" - well he's plenty willing to rush into unprotected sex, isn't he?

For the love of whatever you hold dear - stop having sex with him!

You’re being a pair of idiots IMO. And I don’t understand your reasoning - the side effects of hormonal contraceptives are a lot more minor than the side effects of pregnancy.

I don’t think it’s wrong to say that before you commit to hormonal contraceptives you need to be a) in a committed relationship and b) see a clean STI check. I told my husband when I was 22 that I was bored with casual dating and wanted a boyfriend, if he didn’t want to be that then fine, no hard feelings. Ultimately he did and here we are.

Whether he's official or not, you are having sex! Go on the pill or better still something long term as you obviously aren't responsible enough for parenthood. And get a STI screen both of you.

YABVU to have unprotected sex with someone you barely know who frankly it sounds like he is lying about normal condom use and you have no way of knowing if he's only sleeping with you!

It's not just pregnancy it's Stis too and while there's treatment for the "older" ones and even for hepatitis b and hiv though the latter 2 are still life limiting conditions and not all patients respond to treatment.

Very foolish behaviour!

Condoms until you're exclusive and both sti screened for those.

But yes I would recommend ALSO using a hormonal contraceptive if you can as a pregnancy would be far from ideal for you?

Or are you hoping it'll happen "accidentally"?

Also, I'm really wary of making him feel like he has to be my boyfriend, because I know he doesn't want to rush into things and is cautious of commitment. Just need to know if I'm being a jerk or not.

That's really a whole other thread!

Certainly makes me think a pregnancy would have this guy running for the hills but he's too stupid/immature to recognise HE is responsible for his own fertility!

The pull out method doesn't work because pre cum gets you pregnant. You might as well not pull out, it's a matter of time till you get pregnant.

There are so many options, talk to your GP about it.

The thought process is illogical?

You're equating taking hormonal contraception with being in a long term serious relationship, but a...unreliable method as some how proof of a less serious thing.

Surely...you want to be in a more serious relationship before you decide to do for less reliable contraception?

For context. I started taking the mini pill at 18. A month or so into my relationship and before sex had even occurred. I decided sex was on the cards and took steps accordingly. Actually I went off to uni, and had a long distant relationship, taking my pill despite not actively having sex for 1/2 months at a time.

In the early stages of the relationship YOU need to take ownership of the level of contraception you want. To be clear. I'm not saying it falls entirely on you to be responsible. If he is happy to pull out and you are fine...you both make that choice. If he is not happy, he wears a condom or asks if you would consider other methods. If you are not happy, then you can request a condom or use alternative methods, hormonal or otherwise.

On hormonal contraception...for every horror story, there are probably several women who are taking their pills, forgetting about their coil and not getting pregnant, all without side effects. They're not exactly going be the ones that tell you that. I'm on my second mirena coil. Honestly its awesome. No periods no babies no side effects. 3 visits the first time 2 the second. One to prescribe. One to fit, and one to check. Second time they prescribed over the phone. Once every 5 years.

It's not about going through it for the man you're just seeing. It's going through it (or statistically not) for yourself to prevent an unwanted pregnancy, with this man or the next.

I've told him now that we won't be having sex again until contraception is sorted.

Think I needed this. I've always been someone who'd lay into female friends for only using the pull out method. Never ever thought it would be me.

If he's worth it then he'll stick around, right?