AIBU - wait to take hormonal contraception until we're official?

[missbunnyrabbit]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
I've never used hormonal contraception. Only ever used condoms.

Been seeing a guy since the start of June. We've struggled with sex a bit because every time he put a condom on, he would go soft. He said he's only used condoms and never had a problem before. So for now, we've been using the pull out method. I know, not good.

We had talked about other types of contraception. However...I have said that I am reluctant to try hormonal contraception when it is still early days for us.

That was my way of trying to say that I don't want to try them until we are official. U don't want to put myself through that when we haven't got a proper commitment yet. It has been 6/7 weeks, at least 20 dates and I am still 'the girl he is seeing'.

I've heard from lots of girls that hormonal contraception has so many uncomfortable side effects. It really scares me and I don't want to go through that for a guy I am only 'seeing'.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am but I am scared he will run because of this. We both really want me to be on proper conception. What do i do?

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius it's not a bad advice. I did not say that.

Please get some help for your self esteem, your last post made me so sad x

However...I have said that I am reluctant to try hormonal contraception when it is still early days for us.

That was my way of trying to say that I don't want to try them until we are official.

Also, I don’t want to pile on, but what is with this “That was my way of trying to say...” nonsense? Find your voice and advocate for yourself woman!

“Sorry Dave, I really fancy you, but unless we’re in a committed and exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, I don’t want to take the pill and have unprotected sex.”

You’ll find a man is far more likely to respect you if you respect yourself.

Don’t use hormonal contraception if you don’t want to. Do other things until he gets over HIS issue of wearing a condom.

Look into the coil but don’t stop condoms.

I will never understand why a mans desire to have a marginally better orgasm comes before risking pregnancy, STIs and HPV.

Get some confidence and learn to value your health.

@missbunnyrabbit

What difference do non-latex condoms make?

I know everyone is saying I sound like a stupid dumb teenager, I'm not, I'm in my twenties with really low self esteem. And ok, yeah, stupid. Just always been so scared of hormones and side effects and so diappointed that he goes soft with condoms. It makes me feel really unattractive.

Difference in sensation. He may be able to maintain an erection using those.

He should have been taking the initative and trying different brands, already. That he isn't, and is falling back on pulling out is strongly indicative that he is an irresponsible muppet.

You don't want to get pregnant with this one.

If he was worth it he wouldn’t have put you in this position in the first place being brutally honest.
He might redeem it by being understanding and supportive.
If he doesn’t then wave him off and go into your next relationship with the lessons learned from this one.

I’ve found hormonal contraception really great so please don’t think everyone has a negative story to tell. I’d suggest looking at the different forms of contraception and trying one out; it’ll be much better than an accidental pregnancy. As you are exclusive, why don’t you have an STI check up so you can know if you have caught something or if you are ok?

I hate to break to you but pregnancy also has uncomfortable side effects 🤷‍♀️

What about barrier contraception for women? If you use a mooncup, you should be able to use a diaphragm easily enough.

Not quite as good as condoms, but much much better than nothing.

Try again with condoms. If not, try a cap. Don’t take hormonal contraceptives if you don’t want to ... but if it comes to it, take the pill rather than injection or implant or more a, as you can stop taking it straight away if it doesn’t suit you. I don’t see why women are expected to pump themselves with synthetic hormones everyday for years on end. They cause weight gain and depression in a large number of women but no one seems to give a crap about that.

OP try to change your thinking

Dont go into conversations like this thinking how you can keep from scaring him off.

Instead, think about how you can draw boundaries that will sort the wheat from the chaff.

If this guy isnt right for you, then get to know that early. You cant change long term to keep a man who isnt right for you. So set your boundaries and be ok with letting go of people who won't respect them.

This is a crazy post. You are the woman and any contraception that you choose is to protect yourself from pregnancy. It's totally irrelevant what relationship or relationships you happen to be in. If you don't want a child then you need to use some effective contraception whether hormonal or not. You could have a coil or diaphragm without using hormones. It has literally nothing to do with the guy you are saying. That said, he hasn't given many strong indications that he cares about your feelings, IMHO.

You sound horrifyingly immature, certainly not responsible enough to be having sex with anyone. If you don't want to use condoms then use something else, there's plenty of choice.
At the moment you are having unprotected sex and are actively trying to get pregnant (pull out is not contraception).

And btw I conceived my lovely son whilst using the "pull out method"- it isn't contraception!

Has he tried different types of condom, like the ultra-thin ones?

Sounds like he has some sort of sexual dysfunction to me and you would not be unreasonable to suggest he seeks help.

Copper coil, cap with spermicide or femidom all better than pull out method, but he still needs to sort out his issues.

I’m a bit confused how you’ve managed to conflate his commitment with your need to protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy. It’s manipulative at best and at worst fucking stupid.

I only voted YANBU as I not read your post properly and thought you were using condoms.

What are you doing?? Allowing a man to have unprotected sex with you? A man who won't commit. Come on girl..

Oh love. The guy doesn't like condoms, probably doesn't use them. I'm not denying he goes soft when he wears one, but that's probably due to the fact that he doesn't like using them. You've been very naive up until now.
Hormonal contraceptives aren't the end of the world. As a woman, you have to protect yourself. It truly is as simple as that. It concerns me that you wouldn't dare go on hormonal contraception, but would happily risk having a baby. Are you trying to trap him into a relationship? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but nothing else makes sense.

How about waiting to go to bed with him until you're official? An old-fashioned notion! But if you're relying on withdrawal, I hope you're up for single parenthood. Because if you're scared he'll run because you're not on the Pill, he'll definitely run if you're pregnant.
Frankly, you far too young and silly, to be doing this at all.

I was fine with hormonal BC, as are lots of women. Ask your doc to start you a low dose, estrogen only formulation.

You are begging for a pregnancy the way you're doing it now.

I've been on the pill for years, never had any side effects what so ever. If you don't want to use a condom, you can always try the pill and just come off it if you don't like it. It can't be that bad with millions of women being on it!

Seriously - get checked for STIs. You've only his word he's not sleeping with anyone else.

What could possible go wrong with "the pull out method!"

What? The pull out method is not contraception, you're both being seriously irresponsible, there are non hormonal contraceptives you can use including female contraception, copper coil.

*female condoms