To think most women don't/can't "get there" with men?

[JSD1987]

I'm early thirties, more or less straight and I have had 8 Mmale sexual partners. I have never had an orgasm with a man, despite enjoying foreplay, sex and oral very much. I would say that only 3 of these partners were what I would consider to be good in bed. I can easily cum on my own, in both ways - just not with a man.

I was under the impression this was completely normal and that most women don't orgasm with someone else but a friend of mine and I got talking about this and she was completely aghast and basically implied there is something weird/wrong with me and I need to get therapy.

Genuinely interested to know people's thoughts/ experiences?

@JSD1987

A lot of you seem to have really attentive/ considerate partners. Of the men I've slept with only one of them ever asked me if I'd come and didn't seem particularly bothered that I didn't, more just like he was asking out of curiosity. I'm finding the concept of a man caring whether I climax really alien which is obviously part of the problem. I think that's also why I didn't think I was unusual, virtually none of the men I've been with have ever seemed as if me coming was even on the table let some something that must happen.

There is a very very easy way to address this. Have a 'ladies first' policy. If you haven't orgasmed with anyone before, maybe instead have a 'you go down on me for a minimum of twenty minutes first' (I'd make it longer) policy and take it from there

The responses on here are not typical. Only 65% ish of women usually cum when they have sex with a man (it's nearer 90% for women who have sex with women)

A smallish minority of women cum from penis-vagina penetrative sex - around 20% - so most women don't. It just depends on which parts of your clit are more sensitive (internal or external) and distance of external clit to vaginal entrance.
About 10% of women never cum

Weirdly I used to be able to cum during vaginal sex but now can't. It's no loss at all as the orgasms from vaginal sex were very unimpressive and hardly worth bothering with. What I really like, and recommend you get someone to practise, is oral sex combined with internal stimulation of the clit (aka gspot) with fingers. I cum for hours that way. It is definitely not a 'warm tingly' feeling which sounds more like a description of my 'orgasms inverted commas' with vaginal sex. Women are great at knowing how to make other women cum. I really think you should just try an experienced female partner who is a 'giver'

[quote JSD1987]@DisobedientHamster You sound a little arsey for someone supposedly orgasming all over the place 😂[/quote]
@JSD1987 this made me laugh too much 😂

@JSD1987

Wow. I'm really surprised by these replies! Its honestly so hard for me to even imagine having an orgasm with someone else in the room, it just doesn't seem possible. There have been times I've been really attracted to the guy I'm being intimate with and I've desperately wanted to have that experience but it just doesn't happen. I've clearly been missing out but not entirely sure how to fix it :/

That IS a psychosexual issue and you probably could do with some therapy to explore why you can't orgasm with someone else present. I think most women need either the right fore play , a vibrator or maybe to use their own hands but I don't think it's common to be unable to orgasm in the presence of your partner, no

@RogueV

I can vouch for a full bladder!

I’m a multiple orgasm person too

I wonder why a full bladder would make a difference! I will have to try it. Only thing is, I would worry I would piss myself when I came. That's happened before.

I do most the time with DH. Didn't with previous partners ever. I remember how shocked I was when it happened!

I would say I get there more than 9 times out of ten with dh but sometimes I'm just a bit too tired or some other reason, still enjoy it just don't make it to the finish line. I'm fine with that but I know he's always a bit disappointed you need better partners and to soend time working out how you get there. When I was single I would do it myself so know what I like etc, easier to guide a partner when you know what you want

@JSD1987

Through thinking about this I've realised I've never fully trusted the men I've been with, as in I've always been scared they would hurt me in some way. The one man I did trust was lovely but unfortunately very bad and one note in bed. I'm wondering if perhaps the lack of trust means I'm not as relaxed as I should be? Although saying that, I have had one ONS and obviously didn't know him well and that was probably one of the best sexual experiences I've ever had. Curiouser and curiouser....🤔

Hi OP. To me this is sounding like you're struggling with the intimacy and trust of letting yourself go with partners. The fact you came closest (no pun intended) with a ONS is really telling. And it's not surprising after an adolescence of being told sex is dirty and shameful etc.

Oh my days what an eye opener this post is. I’m like you OP. I never cum with a partner. Can climax on my own. Been with DP a year but never reached the finishing post....sex is amazing tho. I really need to think more about this.

@MsTSwift

If you don’t what’s the point?! I swear I am actually a man I get ready quickly too and don’t like shopping.

I'm on AD's and sadly they block orgasms. The point for me is that I still very much enjoy sex with my partner. The physical feelings, the intimacy, the passion. Everything good sex offers. Yes I bloody miss orgasms but they're the cherry on top for me and no way would I give up my sexual relationship with my partner just because the stupid AD's have taken away the ability to orgasm.

I orgasm through penetration with my husband. Up until I met him at 30 I didn't think it would be possible for me. Before I met him I had 4 other relationships and although I didnt have penetrative orgasms I did through manual stimulation or oral sex,.though maybe not every time. My partners have all wanted it to be a two way street.
My tip is next time you are going to have sex, be really in the mood. Be half way up the runway by the time you see him. Do whatever it is that turns you on on your own before you see him but don't go all the way, be desperate for it and see what happens. In terms of letting go if you are self conscious, oral sex under the covers is also a good one.
Hope you get a good partner next time. It's depressing to think of all these selfish men.

OP I used to have extreme difficulty having an orgasm with anyone (except alone). TBH it was years before I even figured out how to get there with my husband. Now I have an orgasm each time before he even starts the key was relaxation and being real about what worked for me rather than trying to put on some show for him. Manual manipulation is the only thing that makes me orgasm! And sometimes it takes a while! So not oral, not sex, and patience and relaxation are essential. So I never had an orgasm with someone who I wasn't in a LTR with because with casual partners I don't think I was relaxed enough and felt like I had to put on a show. When I finally allowed myself to consider my orgasm as important, and took steps so my husband knew exactly what to do, it happened. But honestly it took years for me to get there mentally and several years of me taking matters 'into my own hands' during sex for him to figure out just penetration wasn't going to do the job. When I think of the years I spent faking it or not really being satisfied I kick myself. Figure out what works for you and gently instruct him to do that!! Relax!! Let it take all the time that is needed! If you can only get there on your own maybe like me you have to show him what to do with his hands before you really get going. Or if he's not patient enough to learn then take matters into your own hands. Maybe then he'll be inspired to try something new! You deserve an orgasm with your partner!

What I really like, and recommend you get someone to practise, is oral sex combined with internal stimulation of the clit (aka gspot) with fingers.

I second this! DH can make me positively levitate this way I have very solid orgasms on my own, but there are some things that you can't easily do to yourself!

I’ve been married 25 years. It’s rareLy come through penetration Alone but never not had an orgasm during sex.

@JSD1987 - it took me a long time to be able to climax with my DH too despite me having no trouble on my own - it was definitely a psychological thing for me.

Can I suggest that you trying blindfolding your partner and see if that helps? For some reason that really helped me get comfortable reaching orgasm. He kind of had to just lie there and shut up while I worked myself out (he didn't mind at all ). For what it is worth, I have had great success with the Womanizer Starlet, which is a clitoral suction thingy - I am not one of the lucky ones who can get there through PIV alone (but I will say that clitoral orgasms are extra nice during PIV).

on the train doing quick scan through the responses, much in line what I'd have expected, i.e., almost all women in LTR can there with DP with a range of methods. That's really positive!

Of course there are others in bad relationships, libido mismatches, medical issues where that is likely an issue too.

And perhaps one poster that NEVER had one. That's seems so unfair... and possibly an issue partner too? I know I'd think it really strange to be with a partner that never came.

@Panticus just looking up the Womanizer!

Can this be easily used during sex? Or does it keep falling off/get in the way? 🤔

I think it's quite abnormal not to have an orgasm via penetrative sex with a man. If you aren't then the man is doing something very wrong.

I would recommend the book ‘Come as you are’ by Emily Nagoski.’ Please don’t think you are weird. A lot of women aren’t able to find fulfilment sexually & it’s about finding the right person. So please know it is possible & you deserve it but it is not that unusual.

Rotate your hips whilst he is inside you so your clit rubs on his pubic area. That should do it. But stop him thrusting unless that works for you

I feel sorry for those that don't think sex is worth it if they don't cum. So many parts of sex are just mind blowingly amazing and out of this worldly that whether or not I cum is not really important to me.
And on the matter of piv, cock size/shape is all important. Some partners got me nowhere near whereas others had me on the brink in seconds.

[quote TJ17]@Panticus just looking up the Womanizer!

Can this be easily used during sex? Or does it keep falling off/get in the way? 🤔 [/quote]
We solely use it during sex - there are a few positions it won't work with but plenty that it does! Anything based on me being on my back with my legs up, doggie etc. You do have to hold onto it the whole time.

I orgasm every time with my DH but hardly ever with other men in the past. With others it's felt pleasurable and intense but not to the point of orgasm. Certain positions make orgasm more likely and I think penis shape and size does come into it. Also a man that knows what he's doing and isn't all about his own pleasure.

There are some clit vibrators that you wear during sex that you could try. I'm not a fan personally. Vibrating cock rings are good as well if you do fancy piv orgasms (as I said, I find them to be very inferior so I don't usually bother trying)

I orgasm no problem but never from PiV sex. Once ever in my life I had an orgasm during penetrative sex. Those of you who do are so lucky!

I'm a mix - I can cum very easily alone (under 60 seconds from a standing start, so to speak), and I absolutely can from foreplay/PIV, but it requires a little bit more concentration? Like if I'm alone I could even if I was thinking about the shopping list, but with a partner I need to concentrate on it.

When I had sex with people who were selfish or weren't willing to do what I said I needed, I wouldn't cum, but the majority of people I have, and multiples.

And my OH now would consider it a bad job if I didn't - if I can't get there through PIV then he either gets out my toys and gets involved or he goes down on me. Very occasionally I'll feel hyper-sensitive and need a very very specific thing and know it isn't going to happen with his input and then he watches me finish the job myself ha!

I think for you OP you need: some kind of therapy to undo the upbringing and your previous experiences, possibly to try sleeping with women (you don't have to marry one if that doesn't feel right for you, but dating/having sex with women and seeing if - without the presence of a man, which is tied up in various issues for you - the sex is better/different. And if you can't cum with your male partners, that's okay (for now - I think you shouldn't settle for less once it's hopefully possible for you!) but don't fuck people who don't at least try and make you feel good.