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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most women don't/can't "get there" with men?

299 replies

JSD1987 · 24/07/2020 16:03

I'm early thirties, more or less straight and I have had 8 Mmale sexual partners. I have never had an orgasm with a man, despite enjoying foreplay, sex and oral very much. I would say that only 3 of these partners were what I would consider to be good in bed. I can easily cum on my own, in both ways - just not with a man.

I was under the impression this was completely normal and that most women don't orgasm with someone else but a friend of mine and I got talking about this and she was completely aghast and basically implied there is something weird/wrong with me and I need to get therapy.

Genuinely interested to know people's thoughts/ experiences?

OP posts:
ILikeGinAndCake · 24/07/2020 20:14

I can’t orgasm from just sex or oral sex, I have a little clit sex toy that works every time though (I can diy on my own without a toy though). The sex toy doesn’t work on its own I need sex too, the toy and my husband means I get 3 or 4 orgasms every single time I have sex without fail. I wouldn’t bother having sex if I didn’t have an orgasm, as lovely as sex is if there’s no orgasm at the end it’s quite possibly the most frustrating thing ever. The best sex is when it ends in an orgasm for both of you at the same time, we have a 95% hit rate (I just get another 3 before he gets his)!

If you haven’t already (I’ve not read all your posts) why not give a clit sex toy a go during sex, they have them on love honey for about £20, I’ve bought the same toy for the last 10 years, just replace it when it breaks. It works a treat and I think because it’s a clit thing it doesn’t make the man feel inferior.

Staffy1 · 24/07/2020 20:15

in both ways

???

SeagoingSexpot · 24/07/2020 20:15

@Fluffycloudland77

Literally can’t believe someone started a thread inviting you to discuss the most intimate details of your sex life & you all did it.

🤨

Gee, I feel so exposed having admitted anonymously that when I have sex, I like to orgasm.
Bluemoooon · 24/07/2020 20:16

I come most times with the missionary position - very boring but satisfying sex life! (other positions seldom work not rubbing the right bits)

MrsSnitchnose · 24/07/2020 20:16

@Mumwithapub You've given me something to think about with the body observation. All of my exes apart from the one who I used to climax with were thin 🤔 I do prefer chunky men but it just happened that I met men who weren't

CodexDevinchi · 24/07/2020 20:18

You said mostly straight. So I take it you’ve been with females? Was it the same then?

SeagoingSexpot · 24/07/2020 20:20

[quote ArtichokeAardvark]@SeagoingSexpot
"Or women who would like women to routinely expect more from their sex lives, and who want women to know that if they can get there on their own then any partner should make a sustained, committed effort to get them there too, with instruction if necessary."

Keys words there are 'can get there on their own'. I'm 32 and have never had an orgasm in my life, alone or with a partner. It's always great to know what a marvellous time others are having and just how easily so many women are having mind blowing orgasms when sex with my husband is frankly a chore like doing the laundry and I gave up wasting my time masturbating years ago.

Yes I'm bitter. But there's more to life and relationships than sex.[/quote]
I do get that it's frustrating for women who struggle to or don't orgasm at all. But many women could orgasm with partners and don't in large part because neither they or their male partners expect that female orgasm is a normal part of sex, and that their male partner should be active in trying to achieve that orgasm and in asking her what she needs to get there.

We can't not talk about it because it doesn't happen for everyone. Women who know they can orgasm and like to orgasm should be empowered to expect attention and support for their orgasm in partnered sex.

TheNewLook · 24/07/2020 20:25

I can only orgasm on top so that my clitorus is stimulated. No thrusting and with me controlling the movement. Which always makes me think he could be a firm pillow or a felled tree for all the impact he is personally having on my orgasm.

SecretSquirreI · 24/07/2020 20:28

My DH makes sure I do. That's sort of the point of sex isn't it?

SueGoesOutWithOtherGuys · 24/07/2020 20:34

I could reach orgasm by myself very easily, and I so wished I could do this with someone else in the room.

When I was 27 (been married and had two children) I met a woman whom I fell in love with, and she with me.

She just about turned me inside out - I had had no idea that my body could "do that".

My body is capable of so much more than I thought.

Subsequent male lovers can do what she did, or bugger off.

Voice0fReason · 24/07/2020 20:39

@ArtichokeAardvark

There are an awful lot of very smug women on this thread...
Why is considered so wrong for a woman to talk openly about enjoying sex?
CleanandJerk · 24/07/2020 20:42

With a partner I have only come through penetrative sex. I think it depends on the person as with some it was in lots of positions, with two in was just on top. I have never come through foreplay or oral sex and I almost thought this made me strange -until I saw a thread on Mumsnet where a few women had experienced the same as me.

Voice0fReason · 24/07/2020 20:50

The issue of orgasm through penetration is one of physiology.
If your clitoris is close enough to your vagina then it is possible, if it further away then it is not.
Women are all built slightly differently. Angles and foreplay can help, but for some women, it is never going to happen without additional stimulation.
Obviously having a considerate partner is also important.

If you can orgasm on your own but not with someone else then the problem is either a mental one or a communication problem.
If you struggle to masturbate with him in the room, could you do it in the dark or under the covers or during sex in a way that he can't see. But do it just because it feels good, not because you have to orgasm. Don't put any pressure on yourself.

NOTANUM · 24/07/2020 21:13

Which always makes me think he could be a firm pillow or a felled tree for all the impact he is personally having on my orgasm.
@TheNewLook - you have a wonderful way with words Grin

sociallydistained · 24/07/2020 21:16

I haven't had much experience before my current partner and my ex but I have always orgasmed. My current partner is amazing and it's every single time. My previous partner was attentive but less concerned that I ddI so wasn't every single time. But with both even in the missionary I can.
Comes down to proper foreplay I reckon.

RogueV · 24/07/2020 21:19

I can vouch for a full bladder!

I’m a multiple orgasm person too

Carouselfish · 24/07/2020 21:30

Same as you OP. It's more about being able to switch off and go with it for me. Brain too busy, too self conscious, too something with most people. But yes, it is their technique too. Funnily the absolute best was with a gay guy with magic fingers! Never understood the idea of getting there through penetration alone. Wtf lucky people?!

minnie465 · 24/07/2020 21:45

I have been giving myself orgasms from a very young age. Never had one with a partner. Met DH and didn't have one with him for quite a while. Just assumed I'd never have one with a partner. Then it happened once. Since then I've orgasmed every time we have sex.

I actually find it easier to orgasm via PIV since I had a baby two years ago. Only in doggy position though. Orgasms are so strong now too. Often my legs are like jelly afterwards and I fall asleep straight away.

Could never have a multiple orgasm, even on my own. I can barely bear to be touched after I've come.

I think it only happened for me once I felt really comfortable with DH and could let myself go.

BobCat2020 · 24/07/2020 21:56

I've only orgasmed through oral sex, but my DH always makes sure I get mine first as I usually take less than a minute anyway Blush. I still really enjoy sex though, but for some reason I just don't orgasm that way.

TheLegendOfZelda · 24/07/2020 22:03

@BobCat2020

I've only orgasmed through oral sex, but my DH always makes sure I get mine first as I usually take less than a minute anyway Blush. I still really enjoy sex though, but for some reason I just don't orgasm that way.
Poor you Sad Under a minute is awful
Idontbelieveit12 · 24/07/2020 22:16

I always orgasm with my husband. Not from penetration but he always makes sure I do either before or after.

Original poster
JSD1987 · 24/07/2020 23:26

A lot of you seem to have really attentive/ considerate partners. Of the men I've slept with only one of them ever asked me if I'd come and didn't seem particularly bothered that I didn't, more just like he was asking out of curiosity. I'm finding the concept of a man caring whether I climax really alien which is obviously part of the problem. I think that's also why I didn't think I was unusual, virtually none of the men I've been with have ever seemed as if me coming was even on the table let some something that must happen.

OP posts:
Cautionsharpblade · 25/07/2020 00:29

I think it's common knowledge that a-lot of women don't regularly come from penetration alone

To be honest this was a surprise to me and I only heard about it on Mumsnet. Why would I know what other women experience during sex? I’ve never had sex with another woman and I’d never have this kind of conversation with a friend or relative. The only other ‘sex’ I’ve seen has been on TV and film and I’ve yet to see a steamy sex scene end with the woman muttering ‘well that was a bag of old shite’.

In nearly 30 years I’ve always orgasmed multiple times during penetrative sex. And a partner has never ever said it was unusual. So I just thought everyone was the same.

jessstan2 · 25/07/2020 05:18

@Bluemoooon

I come most times with the missionary position - very boring but satisfying sex life! (other positions seldom work not rubbing the right bits)
It's not boring at all if it's satisfying, Bluemoooon.
jessstan2 · 25/07/2020 05:27

@TheNewLook

I can only orgasm on top so that my clitorus is stimulated. No thrusting and with me controlling the movement. Which always makes me think he could be a firm pillow or a felled tree for all the impact he is personally having on my orgasm.
I had a friend who was like that, she had quite mechanical responses. Another who only liked a man with a big cock and I mean 'big', not average. Orgasm was the point of it to both, the second one didn't like foreplay.

We're all different. I like a whole experience which stays in my mind. Of course I've had a good many that didn't fit that bill in the past and looking back, they were pointless.

For me it starts in the mind; anticipation, atmosphere, emotional feelings rather than just sexual itch. I would not find sex satisfying otherwise, it would be merely functional.

It's rare to feel like that about someone, at least for me, and when it happens it's mind blowing and worth cherishing.

I don't see anything wrong in talking about sexual preferences on here, we're anonymous. I'm not going to be putting my bins out with all the neighbours looking and knowing what I said here.