To think most women don't/can't "get there" with men?

[JSD1987]

I'm early thirties, more or less straight and I have had 8 Mmale sexual partners. I have never had an orgasm with a man, despite enjoying foreplay, sex and oral very much. I would say that only 3 of these partners were what I would consider to be good in bed. I can easily cum on my own, in both ways - just not with a man.

I was under the impression this was completely normal and that most women don't orgasm with someone else but a friend of mine and I got talking about this and she was completely aghast and basically implied there is something weird/wrong with me and I need to get therapy.

Genuinely interested to know people's thoughts/ experiences?

I orgasm every time, multiple times. My DH doesn't until I do, or makes sure I do after him. He enjoys it more when I come than when he does, so he says.

I think like others OP your upbringing is contributing to your problem with orgasming. I struggled for years with feelings of guilt about having/wanting to have sex as my DM is repressed about sex herself and seemed to talk about it as something yukky and that you only do when you really love someone.

I've now realised that wanting sex is a perfectly normal human response ( not saying you aren't normal if you don't want sex I'm saying normal for me).
With my children I talk about sex in a matter of fact and positive way (like any body function) as my DD get older i'll explain to them that trust and communication is important part of having not only a good relationship but good sex.

I've only orgasmed with a couple of people, it was a revelation when I meet my DH and did everytime including PIV.

@Sickoffamilydrama

I've only orgasmed with a couple of people, it was a revelation when I meet my DH and did everytime including PIV

What made it different with your DH? I live in hope!

@Planbforme I'm not sure, partially I think I had grown in confidence with sex itself and my body. Although I often wanted Sex I also found it a little frightening and something I shouldn't do thanks Mum & Dad

My DH took the time to find out what I liked and knows there's positions that will work and ones that I'll need stimulation to orgasm.

I think some of it was luck 21 years later we still have good chemistry, perhaps if I'd meet him a few years earlier although we were barely adults when we meet then it wouldn't have worked as well.

I have had a friend say about never orgasming when she was drunk, I wish I'd explored it a bit more with her but she is very repressed and doesn't like talking about these things.

There's been literally one time where I haven't got there before DH. And it's multiple every time (bar that once). Ask for what you like, whatever it is you usually do to get yourself there, show him and let him learn

But how to get an orgasm from PiV sex? I’ve tried but it just does not happen ...

@Planbforme,

Jumping back on the thread to answer! I think it's an angle thing in my case. So you need something to rub against iyswim. If you can't, could you not use your hand at the same time? Or is it too distracting?

If you are bothered (really - you're not missing anything) try cockrings. Or the coital alignment technique. That worked for me pretty well but it's hard to persuade men to give up the thrusting.
I am not a fan of piv orgasms as they are pretty weak and unimpressive for me, but maybe not for others?

Yes, I find them weaker, but equally enjoyable, just in a different, more squirmy way if that makes sense.

Thanks. Angles & alignment-I should’ve listened more in geometry class

The thing is PiV sex got very boring a long time ago because it is just not very pleasurable for me & it can be painful too depending on the position (spoke to doctors-no explanation). I of course love seeing that I’m pleasuring someone else but 20 years later, that’s tired.

I’m newly separated so it is not a concern right now but I’d like to think there’s hope. I did have one once ever & I agree, it was weak but better than none I thought....

I don't really bother now, not worth the effort for the small return. Instead I go for them pleasuring me followed by piv for them. Seems to keep everyone happy. I have stellar orgasms that way instead of the uninspiring ones from piv. Men like it when you have piv orgasms, but tough shit. They are rubbish (for me)

@TheLegendOfZelda

I guess that’s the key: it should be reciprocal. A lot of men I’ve been with view sex as mutual & I think it’d hurt their pride if they knew I do it just for them. I do like that initial rush of PiV but after that it’s just laborious!

Haha I was just recalling my twenties
A series of men who would bring me to the point of orgasm with their tongues, then, just as I was about to have a great orgasm, would leap up and stick their cocks in and start bashing away. Yes, I still came, but in a much less spectacular way. It really pissed me off
Certainly glad I don't put up with that shit any more.

Not as exciting as it sounds A series of men ... one per session only though ...

@TheLegendOfZelda

Haha I was just recalling my twenties A series of men who would bring me to the point of orgasm with their tongues, then, just as I was about to have a great orgasm, would leap up and stick their cocks in and start bashing away. Yes, I still came, but in a much less spectacular way. It really pissed me off Certainly glad I don't put up with that shit any more.

Ok yes, that is annoying.

series of men... Amazing wording error.

It sounded way more exciting, reading it back! A whole line of them ..

@JSD1987

Orgasm every time. Think it is about being relaxed and with a good lover. Your upbringing hasn't helped at all

My first BF was very experienced. So my first experience was lovely and amazing. By the time he finished with foreplay I was literally begging for him and I had two amazing orgasms.

His first girlfriend was experienced so he had a good tutor!!

Try the cat method. I think most women can orgasm through piv but their partner's are crap, either not getting the rhythm quite right or being selfish.

The nos show otherwise but I think that men are lazy and just haven't been that bothered and most women have not met the man that is bothered enough for them.

If every man tried, surely the nos would change.

And yes some women still would not orgasm at all or would not orgasm from piv but I'm sure a hell of alot more would.

I always orgasm once, more often twice, and sometimes three or four times when I have sex with my husband. In the decade we have been together there have been one or two occasions where I didn’t orgasm, and both times it was because of other issues I had on at the time (stress / anxiety) and we stopped having sex when I wasn’t into it.

I can orgasm from penetration, but normally only if I have already orgasmed once. We’ve never gone to penetration without me having orgasmed at least once from foreplay.

I think a large part of the problem for many couples is men not being good at or interested in foreplay, oral sex, etc., and women feeling like they’re taking too long or being inconvenient and therefore not feeling able to take the time they need. I think that’s really sad - men should want women to feel relaxed, happy and cared for, and women should feel confident enough to speak up about what they want or need. Sadly, all too often that isn’t the case.

Agreed

I think a large part of the problem for many couples is men not being good at or interested in foreplay, oral sex, etc., and women feeling like they’re taking too long or being inconvenient and therefore not feeling able to take the time they need. I think that’s really sad - men should want women to feel relaxed, happy and cared for, and women should feel confident enough to speak up about what they want or need. Sadly, all too often that isn’t the case

Even that word 'foreplay' ... before what? It's like a starter before the main course

I suppose it is. PiV sex has a biological function so foreplay is a historical term relating to that.

Doesn’t fit as well in these supposedly woke times admittedly!

Ahahaaha! Just pass that off as squirting surely Surely your partner would notice the stench of urine?!

There are an awful lot of very smug women on this thread... Just because they enjoy sex? Silly me I forgot this is Mumsnet where many posters lie back and think of England and only have sex in the dark wearing a dressing gown and slippers

All those people showing off about their multiple orgasms Another misogynistic comment. They were asked to share their experiences so they gave them! Some people can't stand the thought of women being in control of their own sex lives and enjoying it!

To answer your question OP everyone is different. What makes me orgasm probably won't work for the next person. I am able to do so with partners (I'm bisexual) but definitely find it easier now as I'm in my twenties and have a lot of experience.

When I was less experienced I'm ashamed to say I subscribed to the narrative that I was there for the pleasure of men rather than for myself. I grew up being sexually abused then again with an ex over a few years. So it wasn't until maybe 23 after having many partners that I started to really explore MY sexuality rather than being a sex toy.

The key for me was being on my own firstly to work with a counsellor and secondly meeting a partner I could be 100% open and honest with. We communicated very well and it really helped me overcome many issues. Good luck.

@TheLegendOfZelda

Even that word 'foreplay' ... before what? It's like a starter before the main course

Yes and it's lovely.

I like tantric too.

Always orgasm with DH. We are very comfortable with each other and are very conscious of the others enjoyment and what does it for us. I had about 23 other partners in my younger years and had an orgasm with about 3 of them due to not feeling I could relax and be myself.