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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most women don't/can't "get there" with men?

299 replies

JSD1987 · 24/07/2020 16:03

I'm early thirties, more or less straight and I have had 8 Mmale sexual partners. I have never had an orgasm with a man, despite enjoying foreplay, sex and oral very much. I would say that only 3 of these partners were what I would consider to be good in bed. I can easily cum on my own, in both ways - just not with a man.

I was under the impression this was completely normal and that most women don't orgasm with someone else but a friend of mine and I got talking about this and she was completely aghast and basically implied there is something weird/wrong with me and I need to get therapy.

Genuinely interested to know people's thoughts/ experiences?

OP posts:
MargieMo · 29/07/2020 09:34

Quote: For me personally I would not be happy in a relationship with a partner that cannot orgasm. It's like drinking low alcohol wine, or mocktails; it might be OK from time to time but something is really missing.

Reading that seems a bit harsh, but I've seen that response often in MN posts in relation to a male partner.

Anyway, there is some good advice for OP on the thread.

FourPlasticRings · 29/07/2020 09:38

There's a bigger mental component with women. If you're focused on the end goal you'll struggle. The key is to turn your brain off.

Menora · 29/07/2020 09:40

Usually I would find I would be really struggling to relax and worry about what I was looking like, or passing gas or something and would get all tense. Or partner would do something good for a while that was working then change speed and position and it would disappear! I am all about perseverance 😂

MargieMo · 29/07/2020 09:46

@Menora about your comment: something good for a while that was working then change speed and position and it would disappear

Actually that is one of the pieces of advice in the thread. Let the partner know what is working (and what is not). If it disappears, ask/tell them to try bring it back Wink. Better again, show them!

TJ17 · 29/07/2020 17:05

Inspired by this thread I purchased the Lelo Lily 2 the other day which showed up yesterday and me and DH had a lot of fun last night 😉

I quite often feel too pressured to have an orgasm with DH as it can take a while. The longer it takes the more pressure I feel and the worse it is and I've got no chance then so I just give up!
Sometimes DH is lazy yes and just wants a quickie (he really doesn't need long to get there lol) but other times he really puts the effort in but I just find it makes it worse for me due to the pressure! It's deffo a psychological thing for me!

But anyway, can highly recommend the Lelo Lily 2, it worked for us yesterday 😉 could be a game changer in the bedroom for us!

MargieMo · 30/07/2020 08:23

@TJ17, I can't get there from PIV .... but I can get there with a PIV if you see what I mean just like you. DH really likes it too. Of course, not useful for quickie, only certain positions work, but that's more than good enough :)

TJ17 · 30/07/2020 10:03

Definitely @MargieMo - whatever works is good enough for me 😀

MargieMo · 30/07/2020 16:59

It's just been pointed out to me that I've posted without name change Smile Both my DSis and a close friend know my name here. Haha

TheGoogleMum · 30/07/2020 17:04

I only orgasm with DH. I didn't with any partners before him but they were casual encounters. It took a while initially but now we know how to make them happen pretty much every time and usually pretty quickly! I do need clitoral stimulation at the same time as PIV.

TJ17 · 30/07/2020 19:01

Oops Margie 🤭😅😅😅🤣🤣🤣

user1469161126 · 31/07/2020 12:21

I expect that a PIV plus "something else" is required in a lot of cases.

I was speaking with DH about this thread last night. He said he thought it would be difficult/strange to be in a long term relationship with someone who couldn't orgasm. For me it certainly doesn't have to always happen, but that is VERY different from never.

Big thumbs up for wand from me. @JSD1987 you should really try that out personally. If it's OK for you, then it something you could consider with a suitable future partner too.

thisisjustatest · 31/07/2020 16:13

first time poster here, but have lurked (and got some good advice and learned lots of useful things) on MN over the past few months.

for me being in an LTR (see I know the abbreviations :) ) with a person who can't get there would be a huge problem. I think I'd end up feeling fairly bad myself if my partner couldn't ever. I love to give my partner a good time, I really enjoy that, and would expect an ending.

of course, it doesn't have to be all the time (and it is not for me or DP), but never???? it must be an elephant in the room?

thisisjustatest · 31/07/2020 16:15

of course, I should add that I fully understand things can change with medical and health issues.

ALongWaytoTipp · 31/07/2020 18:50

In additional to health issues, there can be people in non-sexual long term relationships/marriages too, and that can be perfectly fine for them. That is likely more common than I expect even.

I just can't imagine being married to a man that has never cum. And probably vice versa too. I expect it would feel very "wrong".

deserveaquietnight · 01/08/2020 10:12

op, the most important thing is that you both enjoy it. your friend "basically implied there is something weird/wrong with me and I need to get therapy"

It is neither right nor wrong, but certainly unusual. Try some of the advice posted, it will be fun to experiment :)

bythebanksof · 01/08/2020 13:57

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, link to amazon www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@JSD1987 This is a must read book for you. Actually yourself and partner should read it.

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 13:59

I must be very lucky then, unless it’s a micropenis situation I’ll get myself there. I can orgasm very easily from penetrative sex. Oral is where a bloke must have a technique to orgasm, it’s very difficult for me to orgasm from oral unless am extremely comfortable with the partner & we have an amazing sexual connection

Original poster
JSD1987 · 01/08/2020 14:30

For all the people saying they could never be in a relationship with someone who doesn't get there: you might already be. I am an EXPERT in faking it and was in a LTR with someone who to this day has no idea. One person I told I was faking it refused to believe me and thought I was just being spiteful. Just some food for thought...

OP posts:
TheLegendOfZelda · 01/08/2020 15:08

@vikingwife

I must be very lucky then, unless it’s a micropenis situation I’ll get myself there. I can orgasm very easily from penetrative sex. Oral is where a bloke must have a technique to orgasm, it’s very difficult for me to orgasm from oral unless am extremely comfortable with the partner & we have an amazing sexual connection
I dunno, I would call that unlucky
TJ17 · 01/08/2020 17:13

@JSD1987

For all the people saying they could never be in a relationship with someone who doesn't get there: you might already be. I am an EXPERT in faking it and was in a LTR with someone who to this day has no idea. One person I told I was faking it refused to believe me and thought I was just being spiteful. Just some food for thought...
I second this!

I don't know a single man who would admit to not being able to give their partner an orgasm. Of course they are going to claim they have.

A man once swore blind to me that he knew if a woman had cum because he could see the ejaculate (meaning just normal vaginal lubrication from arousal!) and even though I explained that no that's not the same for a woman and doesn't mean they've had an orgasm he still thought he knew best 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄😂 he also thinks that "squirting" results from an orgasm which for me is not the case.

I guarantee half of them have no clue.

Blueskywhy · 01/08/2020 17:18

op @JSD1987, what you say about faking it makes complete sense. I'm not sure a man could ever really tell?

In theory I guess a man could also fake it, but that would be much more difficult to do over a longer time. It has to go somewhere...and when my DH is finished it is very noticeable. Always a good bit of cleanup (or swallowing) to be done Blush

FablesOfThe · 01/08/2020 19:49

I'm fairly sure I could fake it with DH. In fact I think I'll try it as an experiment in the coming days :)

As regards DH faking it I'm sure I'd know. I think I know this aspect of his responses very well at this stage. He could fake with a condom I imagine, but impossible to fake if on my tummy, breasts, mouth, face, etc.

Allie27 · 15/08/2020 19:03

Well I’m completely screwed then! And not in the good way! I’ve had one half arsed orgasm in my 30’s and none til then since my teenage years!!!
I never cum with my husband!! I thought that was fairly common....😫😫😫😫😫😤

Porcupineinwaiting · 15/08/2020 19:08

I honestly cant imagine sleeping with someone if they couldn't make me orgasm, where's the fun in that?

For me, sex got better in my 20s when I stopped pretending to orgasm and started expecting the real deal.

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