Tell me if I am in the wrong

[MrsQGinglass]

Name changed for this, maybe I am wrong but I can't seem to forgive and forget and I know I also have a husband problem.

My husband had an amazing opportunity to go long haul on a trip for his hobby which was to a country that I always wanted to go to. It was a trip for 2 weeks, he and I both wanted me to go, his best friend also wanted to go.
His best friend described the trip as a boys trips, going between places to do my partners hobby, no sightseeing, nothing I would like. I would hate it Etc etc. He made the point of its just doing my partners hobby and a boys trip. In the end I said to my husband you and best friend go but explained that I was disappointed not to be going.
I booked the plane ticket for my husband and his best friend and booked internal flights, 3 months before they left.
Husband flies out on the trip, I am at work, the when my phone flashes up with a notification from Facebook, my husband and I hardly go on Facebook , my husband has been tagged in some photos by his best friends partner all standing having a great time eating in fabulous restaurants and doing an activity that I really wanted to do but was told by best friend that they would not have time for on this boys only trip.
I was furious to be lied to about this trip and the fact that his best friends partner was there, to not be there to support my partner, (it's a dangerous sport) and to be left out completely.
I contacted the wife and said I had no idea you were going and that no one thought to tell me. I also had major arguments with my husband as to why he had not told me and why his friends thought that their behaviour was ok.
My husband then went away again a month later with his best friend and their wife to run a business event. I have never been included in this business but my husband best friends family have, and guess what there was another photo on Facebook with the family and the wife's best mate sitting there all having a great time.
I absolutely lost it at my husband and told him that this was unacceptable and that his best friend was disrespectful of me and my relationship with my husband.
My husband and I worked through this and he agreed that his best friend had been in the wrong and next time I saw him, he would apologise.
Fast forward 6 months and I saw his best friend at a sporting event and his best friend ignored me. I was fine with this but told my husband that I though he was rude, my husband told me to be the bigger person and make the first move and say something to him, so I did and this was ignored again.
I have now told me husband that his best friend is not a nice person and he should not be so close to him and always be there for his best friend as his best friend does not do much for him. This has lead to major rows between myself and my husband to the point I am thinking of ending our marriage as my husband does not think of my feelings and still wants to be around people that clearly think so little of me.
AIBU for not wanting this people to be part of our lives or am I overreacting as my husband says I am.
Sorry if this is a little muddled but it's so outing

I'd say threesomes.
His BF certainly has a hold over him.

[quote GoodDogBellaBoo]@MahaMoon OP did chuck him out though.[/quote]
Yes she did and it’s what he deserves. From the tone of her other posts though, she’s transferring all the blame and anger on his friend. As if she’s trying to find a reason to let her dh off the hook. She insists her dh wanted her on the trip, I’m just trying to get her to see that’s not the case.

Let’s hope he stays out because op deserves more than this. I could never respect my dh again if he ever did something like this.

OP, leave aside the whole hobby/threesome/travel elements/discussion for a moment.

I don't know if you have kids but assuming you don't:

Do you feel like you are the number one priority in your DH's life?

Because you should be. He should be putting you and your feelings way above his friend's, or the opportunity to do his hobby.

If you think you're not, get rid now and find someone who treats you the way you deserve..

Do we know what the hobby is yet?

Maybe, in reality, OP, you are annoyed with yourself. You listened to the best friend waffling on about how it was going to be a blokey trip and decided not to go, even though your husband asked you to. When you saw the photos of the friend's partner, you realised you'd made the wrong choice and missed out on a fun holiday.

Maybe the best friend genuinely thought it was going to be men only but his partner stepped in and announced that she wanted to go?

However, I do find it hard to believe that your husband didn't realise the partner was going right up to the moment they got to the airport. On the other hand, maybe the friend (who you say isn't too clever) was embarrassed that she would be there to keep an eye on him because he wanted to look like a tough guy who was going away with the lads?

If you genuinely believe your husband, then it might be best to admit your part in this and then move on.

And if you're upset that he often goes on trips with others and you aren't included, maybe you and your husband need to discuss what's a fair balance regarding the amount of time you do things together as well as apart.

I think your DH BM just finds it better for himself not to have your DH distracted from him by having you around. The partner of BM will provide him with attention without distraction anyway. You said the BM is odd, possibly with a learning disability- such folk can be very focussed on themselves and their own needs and have less respect for social niceties. His attitude to you won’t be a problem to him. I don’t agree he was embarrassed to cover up your DH behaviour, I think he doesn’t like you or care enough to be bothered about his actions, which got him what he wanted. Your DH is kind enough to support him despite his differences, but averse enough to managing his BM expectations to let it get to this point. It can be difficult suiting everyone, but you certainly should take priority and he should acknowledge how it’s all gone so horribly wrong and be looking for a way to resolve it going forwards. I don’t agree with the OW scenario or that your DH engineered the trip without you, but I agree you are blaming the BM rather too much - he did what suited him, he always will, possibly he can’t help it, but more likely he needs it pointing out that it’s not acceptable. I wouldn’t exactly make your DH choose to the point of cutting BM off, but I would expect a conversation on how he can manage BM for want of a better term, and an understanding from him that he’s hurt you by not sorting this before. Hope you work through to the best outcome for you - be kind to yourself.

If I was your husband and you told me you were considering our relationship is be thinking that you aren't actually going to leave so a) what is the minimum i can do to get you off my back and b) if i minimise it for long enough your anger will dissipate and I can get back to the stays quo of doing what i want and blaming the friend.

Honestly, unless you actually end the relationship and let him beg you to come back and see him.deliver the action of ending the friendship then he never will.

And honestly, the reason is because it's building and he's behind it, not the friend. Why would he cut off a friend that isn't actually doing any of this except under his say so.

@Grobagsforever

I have mentioned what the hobby is a few times.

@MahaMoon

I said on my original post that I have a husband problem and have said throughout that I have a husband problem.
I have also said that I and my husband are not together at the moment.
If my husband called from the airport to say jump on a plane, I couldn't as I have children and work full time!
You seem to miss my point of that I booked the tickets and there was no mention of the partner.
I have a problem with my husband just ignoring my feelings and that I should just get over it.

To answer your actual question:

No, you are not unreasonable to expect your husband to prioritise your feelings over those of a friend who goes out of his way to exclude you. Your husband should be actively including you in social events and making it clear to bf that you are the most important person in his life.

I do think that it would be unreasonable to expect your husband to end his friendship though, partners asking spouses to end friendships is often thought of as a red flag for control issues. It does not sound like you are trying to control your husband btw, but that is what it would seem like to outside people and it may build resentment in your marriage

*@MrsQGinglass

I have a problem with my husband just ignoring my feelings and that I should just get over it.*

YANBU - I would feel the same.
the just get over it attitude feels like the final straw.

He seems so far way from understanding the issue he has caused, I cannot see how the relationship can continue in a meaningful way from here.

Utter shit bags, the lot of the. YANBU. Even if DH did not know the GF was going to be there, I'd have been furious with my BM in that situation for sneaking her along and deterring you from coming. I certainly would not be going along and doing something that I knew my other half specically wanted to do!

Or then dismissing their feelings when they're upset!!

I would like to point out, that yes I still have anger at the Best mate as his actions were the start of this shit show.
Believe me my husband and I have worked and talked and talked about this, I throw him out. He swears that he did not know that his friends partner was going until the airport. It has been confirmed that the partner only booked the flights a month before they went.

My issue now is that although my husband has said that the behaviour was wrong the best mate thinks I am over reacting and choose to ignore.
I wrote this post to confirm if I was being unfair asking if my husband should respect my feelings and take a step back from this friend, I had no issue with his partner going but the fact that he lied is where the problem lies with me, he needs to take ownership for his actions as has my husband.

Why does the friend need to take ownership of his actions? He isn't answerable to you. He and his gf were allowed to book this holiday, just as you could have done the same. I don't agree with what they did but you can't demand he be answerable. Answerable to who? You?

You and your dh should have made your own decisions here. You wanted to go so why didn't you? You chose not to, for whatever reason, so the decision not to go was yours.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

The best friend lied. I would have more respect for my best friends relationship, but maybe I have higher morals than most.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras I read it that the OP was shoehorned out of going by the best friend.
Has he explained why he deemed this necessary?

[quote MrsQGinglass]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

The best friend lied. I would have more respect for my best friends relationship, but maybe I have higher morals than most.[/quote]
Yes, he lied. Still, who should he be answerable to? You can't control what other adults do, you can only control yourself.

Personally, I think it's shitty what the bf and his gf did. But I really don't see what your dh should have done? Should he have walked out of the airport and wasted the money that the holiday cost?

This all just seems very odd. If you so wanted to go then you should have gone. That's what the gf did.

But did the friend actually lie? Did he mean to deceive you so you didn't go along? Or, could it be that, with possible learning difficulties, he genuinely believed it was to be a boys only trip.....until his more assertive partner said, "Oh no you don't!" and invited herself?

Maybe all the waffle he gave you was what he was saying to her at the same time because he didn't want any partners going along?

You can't force him to apologise or take all the blame for the situation if he hasn't done anything wrong in his own mind.

Ideally, he would say, "I'm really sorry if I misled you but I thought it was going to be just men until my wife decided to come". However, if he has learning difficulties, he probably won't see it that way.

[quote MrsQGinglass]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

The best friend lied. I would have more respect for my best friends relationship, but maybe I have higher morals than most.[/quote]
As I said earlier the BM shows he prioritises his own well-being above anything else - he lied to suit his own ends and either will not, or cannot, see the impact on others via his actions - If he is forced to see the impact he still simply will not, or cannot care. It is hard when you know you would have acted differently, but you cannot force this guy to be any different or understand/care about what his actions meant to you. You can however try and make your partner recognise, understand, and care what his falling in with BM’s whims do to you and make him address this with more than requests you try to make BM like you.

@Lobsterquadrille2

The best friend decided that he wanted to take his partner because she wanted to go! A month before they were due to fly out. He did not tell my husband, that I am sure of, he would see no problem with this as he is so selfish, this is the man that does not think of anyone other than himself.

If you give DH an ultimatum, BF or you, which will he choose?

I can assure you all the my husband does not have another woman.
Unless the OW has 2 wheels and reaches 180mph

Bloody hell, if this is MotoGP and I had been excluded DP would have had his nadgers removed while he slept and been presented with them for breakfast. Ditto WSB.

Sports like this always have a big social side to them. People who follow them travel round, stay in the same towns, drink in the same bars, eat in the same restaurants as the riders, pit crews, journos etc. It's like a whole massive circus. You could have done your sightseeing on race days.

There are only 2 ways of seeing this. Either DH has been manipulated by Best Mate/BM's wife to exclude you, or DH has been actively involved in your exclusion.

If the former, DH needs to sack off his BM. He's been made a fool of by BM and you have been hurt and humiliated in the process. This should make him realise that his so-called BM is not a true friend, because he has jeopardised DH's marriage, and DH needs to end this "friendship". It might even be the case that he is using DH to keep his business going, and doesn't actually give a shit about him.

If the latter, your DH has behaved despicably and you need to LTB.

Quite how you establish which of these it is, I don't know, I'd do it by setting things out above, and gauging his reaction. If it was my DP, I'd know by his face and his reaction which was true.

@LakieLady
My husband is a racer. Not that level, though. The tracks were in the middle of nowhere, hence why I could not go sightseeing on race days.

@Lakielady

You also know that there is qual, tests etc.