Tell me if I am in the wrong

[MrsQGinglass]

Name changed for this, maybe I am wrong but I can't seem to forgive and forget and I know I also have a husband problem.

My husband had an amazing opportunity to go long haul on a trip for his hobby which was to a country that I always wanted to go to. It was a trip for 2 weeks, he and I both wanted me to go, his best friend also wanted to go.
His best friend described the trip as a boys trips, going between places to do my partners hobby, no sightseeing, nothing I would like. I would hate it Etc etc. He made the point of its just doing my partners hobby and a boys trip. In the end I said to my husband you and best friend go but explained that I was disappointed not to be going.
I booked the plane ticket for my husband and his best friend and booked internal flights, 3 months before they left.
Husband flies out on the trip, I am at work, the when my phone flashes up with a notification from Facebook, my husband and I hardly go on Facebook , my husband has been tagged in some photos by his best friends partner all standing having a great time eating in fabulous restaurants and doing an activity that I really wanted to do but was told by best friend that they would not have time for on this boys only trip.
I was furious to be lied to about this trip and the fact that his best friends partner was there, to not be there to support my partner, (it's a dangerous sport) and to be left out completely.
I contacted the wife and said I had no idea you were going and that no one thought to tell me. I also had major arguments with my husband as to why he had not told me and why his friends thought that their behaviour was ok.
My husband then went away again a month later with his best friend and their wife to run a business event. I have never been included in this business but my husband best friends family have, and guess what there was another photo on Facebook with the family and the wife's best mate sitting there all having a great time.
I absolutely lost it at my husband and told him that this was unacceptable and that his best friend was disrespectful of me and my relationship with my husband.
My husband and I worked through this and he agreed that his best friend had been in the wrong and next time I saw him, he would apologise.
Fast forward 6 months and I saw his best friend at a sporting event and his best friend ignored me. I was fine with this but told my husband that I though he was rude, my husband told me to be the bigger person and make the first move and say something to him, so I did and this was ignored again.
I have now told me husband that his best friend is not a nice person and he should not be so close to him and always be there for his best friend as his best friend does not do much for him. This has lead to major rows between myself and my husband to the point I am thinking of ending our marriage as my husband does not think of my feelings and still wants to be around people that clearly think so little of me.
AIBU for not wanting this people to be part of our lives or am I overreacting as my husband says I am.
Sorry if this is a little muddled but it's so outing

I used to hate doing things with exh he cramped my style and i had much more fun alone.Believe you me if I had asked my mates to take the blame for him not going somewhere with us they would have done so in a heartbeat.You cannot be sure that this hasn't happened.

OP the majority of this thread agrees - If he had genuinely wanted you to go, he wouldn't have reacted as he did. as a PP said.

I think you find it too painful to see your DH actions and reactions for what they are and therefore you are making the situation about the friend

I'd tell my 'D'H to sod off and live with his best friend. In fact I'd have had his bags packed before he came home.

I think the subsequent events where lots of family members turned up, would also worry me.. what was the excuse for not including you there.
If I was BMs wife, and they were there for an event, I'd have asked if you were coming as someone to talk to when they were occupied. She may be completely innocent but if so I can't believe she didn't ask you DH why you refused to come, In which case, to tag him in facebook doing non event gatherings seems odd too. Even if innocent, it was tactless at the least.
The only other thing may be that BM thought the whole thing was getting expensive and wanted to trim the budget perhaps? but then your DH would have used that defence?
Its so odd that BM went to so much trouble to put you off when his own wife was coming and your DH was asking you to come up to the last minute. That is what is odd and I agree its down to the DH, but this other couple interfered and kept quiet at several stages. It must be obvious to DH and also BM's subsequent rudeness to you.
From what you said DH has not said anything about BM having a specific problem with you or offered any explanation for why BM worked so hard to put you off. This is an awful position for you to be in OP. Can you get some real life support because it must be difficult keeping things straight when there is so much twisty talk. I'm betting that you are under just as much stress as he is and it wouldn't be a problem if he was prepared to address the issue.

If your husband really had wanted you there, you would have been there.

If your husband really had wanted you there, he'd have been furious with his friend.

If your husband really had wanted you there, he'd not be friends with this person any longer.

The friend is a useful scapegoat. For you both, because if you'd really wanted to be there, you'd have been there. I mean, who really doesn't go to a dream destination just cos they'd have to do their own thing?

The friend isn't the problem.

I think that the 'truth' sometimes lives in the middle. If you had really wanted to go on holiday, then you shouldn't have been talked out of it. Perhaps his friend really thought that you would not enjoy it. His partner/wife obviously wouldn't be talked out of it and was clearly a tagger inner. Your husband's friend was wrong not to tell your husband that she was going. Your husband wasn't wrong to still go on the trip, but he should have felt annoyed that it wasn't longer a boys trip and should have told you. The other business trip doesn't sound exciting and neither here nor there. I don't think that you should dictate to anyone that they should apologize. It sounds controlling and will not end well. And it's not the best idea to tell your husband who he can and can't befriends with. However, it is reasonable to expect your husband to spend time with you on holidays and have some regard for your feelings. It's not just as simple as 'him or me' or 'staying or leaving'. It should be about learning, tweaking relationships/boundaries and seeing what might work. The result could be that your husband agrees not to go away with him again and withdraws. It could also be that either you allow yourself to stick to your guns more, or plan your own holidays/hobbies with friends.

The irony here is that you're berating your husband for blindly standing up for his mate and you're doing the same for your husband.

It's been established that he doesn't respect you. You don't get for respect. You take it by not accepting less. He's done nothing to get back into the good books except blame his mate. His mate who your husband has likely told to tell you it's a lads only trip. His best mate has nothing to lose or gain. His best mate would undoubtedly had alone time with his own wife, leaving your husband at a loose end.

You can say your relationship is a happy one but a happy man takes his wife with him and stands by her.

And you can say what you want about the mate but his mate took his wife to both events....

Sorry but I think I disagree with most here.

OP, it strikes me as very strange that you and your husband wanted you to go, yet you decided not to go purely based on the bf's idea of what would happen- a person you already believed to be a bit of an idiot. Why didn't you and your DH discuss together what you wanted and assert yourselves about the kind of holiday both you and he wanted to make sure that happened? I think you need to own the decision not to go - not put it all on the bf.

Don't see why your DH should have not gone on that holiday once he found out either. He had every right to be pissed off on his own behalf - never mind on yours- if he was deceived by his friend and had genuinely wanted you to join. But how is not having his dream holiday and wasting a ton of money going to help with that? He should have called you from the airport and if at all possible open the invitation for you to join after all.... but don't see why he should suffer losing his holiday in order to somehow gallantly mark the slight to you.

I also don't think it's reasonable to make your DH now choose between you in some way. You and bf are both meant to be adults. If you are unhappy with what he has done, deal with it directly or accept that his relationship with DH is independent, that you don't like and won't hang out with bf and leave them to it. It's not like the Bf has abused you in any way- he gave his opinion on what kind of holiday he was aiming for - he maybe just changed his mind... or maybe he was a bit of a selfish dick.... but I don't see treatment that neccessitates DH to ride in on his white horse on your behalf. And extracting compulsory apologies from him - negotiated via someone else just feels artificial - it feels like it's more about forcing a recognition of your status/ power/priority in DH's life, than any genuine attempt to resolve/ learn from anything that happened.

I think your focus should be on your own and DH's actions and your relationship - not the bf. You and your DH need to work out how to assert what you both (apparently) want without being run rings round. Whereas if your DH is actually pretty happy to go along with you not being on these trips, then it would be much better to look at why that is (is there something you do that puts a dampener on things or are you not actually that happy and free in one another's company?) rather than trying to force him to prove his loyalty to you by extracting fake apologies from the bf.

It is horrible to be asked to choose between two important relationships, and I don't think this should be forced on somebody unless the unpleasant behavior is intentionally aggressive or really unpleasant. The bf pretty much just seems to not want to interact with you. He's not trying to hurt you - He's just doing his best to avoid spending time with you. Maybe ask why that is, rather than punish your DH for it?

OP my dh had a friend like this. Always thought he was the puppet master of everyone. Everything had to be his way all the time and I never understood why everyone went along with it.
After we had our dd, he started trying to cut me out of everything and isolate dh from me, because all the things he wanted to do were not compatible with having a child around.
I battled this for years and it eventually spiraled out of control, to the point I was convinced my dh was having some kind of love affair with this man.
Finally I threw dh out and had to give the ultimatum that it was "him or me". We're in counseling and dh is back home. The friend is completely out of our lives and there are very strict rules in place so that he never comes into our lives again.
But the counselor did remind me that people aren't just manipulated, they do consent to being manipulated on one level or another. It's easy to hate the friend, not the dh.

@RealBecca
I think you need to read what I have said about my partner.
I am not going to be paid lip service as that is what I have had, we worked through what he has done, I was uneasy about his friend and their continued friendship.
My husband telling me to be the bigger person was the straw that broke the camels back.
I need to be respected and I am not getting that hence why I am considering our relationship.

@BraveGoldie
This was a trip, my partner was racing in motorsport, it was a destination that I had also wanted to go to, and thought that we could include some tourist things.
The best fe

@BraveGoldie
Sorry posted too early.
The best friend has been before bans said it was just travelling to different tracks.
When I booked the tickets there was no mention of his partner going and she confirmed that they booked her tickets a month before departure.
That is when I should have been told, my husband says he was not told,

OP I understand that. I have read your posts. Why do you think I don't understand this?

@BraveGoldie
As you keep calling it a holiday, a holiday is completely different. This was a motorsport event.
I based my decision on something that someone told me, who had already been. I have owned to decision but I based on someone who although I thought was an idiot would not actually go out of their way to be a wanker.
I am 100% sure that my husband thought it was just them going as he was joking about having to care and help his BF.
I was ok for them to continue their friendship until I saw him for the first time, he ignored me completely, I for one would be devastated if I had upset my best friends partner, and if as they are saying was completely innocent then why not apologise.

You have a husband problem not a best friend problem.

I am 100% sure that my husband thought it was just them going

Why do you think your husband didn't tell me when he realised the friend's wife was also there? How are you explaining this in your head, to convince yourself that your DH wasn't behind it at all?

Tell you, not me!

Well... I’ve the read all your posts and have come to the conclusion your dh best friend has something over him, a secret maybe. Or your dh is being controlled by a manipulative, yet in your words, not smart, man. Why?
If it smells like bullshit, it usually is.

@Pebblexox

I think you've made it very clear that you will blame it all on the friend, therefore I'm unsure what advice you're after?

I don't think the OP wants advice as such. She is incredulous that, despite the concerted efforts of the friend to be deceitful and manipulative, her own husband is taking the line of least resistance and not making more of a fuss about the way his wife has been treated. I think you said earlier that the friend had also made your DH lose money in his business? Your DH sounds a bit go with the flow, don't cause any unrest. Unfortunately that mild mannered attitude can cause huge hurt to those close to you. Sorry if I have read this incorrectly (saw your thread a couple of days ago and just caught up).

I’ve read your posts and it does seem like your husband wanted you to go, even last minute. Maybe the friend was hoping for a boys only trip so convinced you not to go, then changed his mind when his own wife wanted to go and simply booked her a ticket and simply isn’t socially competent enough to think that he should mention it to you. And your husband turned up to the airport, which is usually a bit stressful, saw the wife there and had to make a quick decision. He should have walked out or at least told you, but wanted to go on the trip which he had already prepared and paid for... So in his mind he probably thinks the friend was very wrong, but that was his friends decision and hasn’t got anything to do with him and was too late to do anything about by then anyway.. And that you should let it go because it was 6 months ago. My husband can also be too mild mannered in some situations and doesn’t seem to get how hurtful it is until I explain it to him, I hate that.

The wife going and the best friends are redherrings.

The fact your husband was happy to fuck off to a dream holiday destination for a two week jolly should be your problem.

Also the fact he wants you to suck it up so can can have an easy life is crap.

As an aside... I also get the rage everytime you mention that YOU booked the fucking thing for him....

I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't have my back. I mean isn't that what being married is about.

Sounds like your DH didn't move heaven and earth for you to go on your dream trip.

I'm sorry but this speaks volumes.

Honestly op, this is just going around in circles.

Many, many posters have said the same thing. You have a dh problem. You’re shifting all the blame on his friend and, whilst he may be a wanker and probably didn’t want you to go, ultimately it was your dh who chose to go ahead with the trip.

The facts are, your dh’s friend tried to talk you out of going on a trip by dressing it up as a boys trip, knowing full well his own oh would be going. He doesn’t like you and didn’t want you on the trip. That much is obvious. He went out of his way to discourage you and made some effort to hide it so he must have felt quite strongly about you not going. You can hate him/be angry at him for that, it was a shitty thing to do. That’s where his part ends. The fact is, your dh had plenty of opportunity to rectify that situation. He could have not gone on the trip. He could have phoned you from the airport and discussed with you that she was there. You could have come up with a solution together. You could have followed on a few days later. He could have held back and booked seats for both of young the next day. Plenty of things your dh could have done, but didn’t. He chose to lie and cover up for his friend.

You can hate your dh’s friend for putting all this in motion. That’s fine. But, you also have to hate your dh just as much, if not more. He does not respect you. You can tell yourself he wanted you on that trip until you’re blue in the face. The fact is, if he wanted you there that bad, he could quite easily have made that happen. There were plenty of other choices he could have made, that he didn’t. He let you down. Don’t blame his friend, he’s made his position clear. He doesn’t like you and won’t make an effort with you.

@MahaMoon OP did chuck him out though.