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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tell me if I am in the wrong

234 replies

MrsQGinglass · 24/07/2020 13:14

Name changed for this, maybe I am wrong but I can't seem to forgive and forget and I know I also have a husband problem.

My husband had an amazing opportunity to go long haul on a trip for his hobby which was to a country that I always wanted to go to. It was a trip for 2 weeks, he and I both wanted me to go, his best friend also wanted to go.
His best friend described the trip as a boys trips, going between places to do my partners hobby, no sightseeing, nothing I would like. I would hate it Etc etc. He made the point of its just doing my partners hobby and a boys trip. In the end I said to my husband you and best friend go but explained that I was disappointed not to be going.
I booked the plane ticket for my husband and his best friend and booked internal flights, 3 months before they left.
Husband flies out on the trip, I am at work, the when my phone flashes up with a notification from Facebook, my husband and I hardly go on Facebook , my husband has been tagged in some photos by his best friends partner all standing having a great time eating in fabulous restaurants and doing an activity that I really wanted to do but was told by best friend that they would not have time for on this boys only trip.
I was furious to be lied to about this trip and the fact that his best friends partner was there, to not be there to support my partner, (it's a dangerous sport) and to be left out completely.
I contacted the wife and said I had no idea you were going and that no one thought to tell me. I also had major arguments with my husband as to why he had not told me and why his friends thought that their behaviour was ok.
My husband then went away again a month later with his best friend and their wife to run a business event. I have never been included in this business but my husband best friends family have, and guess what there was another photo on Facebook with the family and the wife's best mate sitting there all having a great time.
I absolutely lost it at my husband and told him that this was unacceptable and that his best friend was disrespectful of me and my relationship with my husband.
My husband and I worked through this and he agreed that his best friend had been in the wrong and next time I saw him, he would apologise.
Fast forward 6 months and I saw his best friend at a sporting event and his best friend ignored me. I was fine with this but told my husband that I though he was rude, my husband told me to be the bigger person and make the first move and say something to him, so I did and this was ignored again.
I have now told me husband that his best friend is not a nice person and he should not be so close to him and always be there for his best friend as his best friend does not do much for him. This has lead to major rows between myself and my husband to the point I am thinking of ending our marriage as my husband does not think of my feelings and still wants to be around people that clearly think so little of me.
AIBU for not wanting this people to be part of our lives or am I overreacting as my husband says I am.
Sorry if this is a little muddled but it's so outing

OP posts:

HouchinBawbags · 24/07/2020 15:28

I'd sit my husband down and have a serious talk. I'd say "Sweetheart, you know that you are a very loving, kind, loyal, honest and generous man.... to Bestie Bob. It's such a shame you're not the same towards me. So, I've come to a decision. Bob has won. He can fucking keep you. I'm done. Get your shit and move in with Bob and go fuck him instead."

Motoko · 24/07/2020 15:29

Your husband obviously cares more about his friend, than he does you. For that reason alone, you should divorce him.

dontdisturbmenow · 24/07/2020 15:30

I suspect his best friend and partner don't like you. Your OH knows that doesn't want to tell you to upset you. It was always the plan she would come but didn't want you there.

Your OH chose to go with them and have fun.

Chocoholic12 · 24/07/2020 15:30

YANBU. though you should be annoyed at your husband not the friend. The friend has no loyalties to you it was your husband that lied (like he did not know she was going!). My partners also got a dickhead of a best friend who I cannot stand and he bloody knows about it. Feel for you OP.

TeaForTara · 24/07/2020 15:34

You have missed out on the trip of a lifetime, been lied to, promised an apology which failed to materialise. Now you are being told to put up and shut up? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

DH has to take you to the country he went to and do all the things you wanted to do. He also has to not do this kind of trip (even business) without you, if you want to go .

If he won't do these things, he is making it clear that he values his friend more than you. That wouldn't be acceptable to me.

SummerTimeSunshine · 24/07/2020 15:36

I would simply not allow my OH or his best friend to treat me like this.

Bin him off. He obviously cares more about him than you. You deserve better than this BS.

Original poster

MrsQGinglass · 24/07/2020 15:38

I don't care if the best friend and his partner don't like me, I tolerated them for my husband.
What I have a problem with is that best friend lied.

I have a problem with my husband because he is accepting their shitty behaviour.

OP posts:

WhiskersPete · 24/07/2020 15:38

If be gobsmacked if there wasn't another woman. Your DH clearly doesn't want you on these holidays. If he did you'd be there. He's using his mate as an excuse hence why he doesn't want to make him apologise. I'd LTB.

spoons123 · 24/07/2020 15:39

Book yourself a holiday to the same place next year and take a friend or family member with you (not your husband, of course!)

See all the sights and do all the things you wish you'd been able to with your husband.....if you'd been properly included and encouraged to join in. Take lots of great photos and have your very own holiday-of-a-lifetime!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/07/2020 15:40

I booked the plane ticket for my husband and his best friend and booked internal flights, 3 months before they left.

How did the dh know but let op book the flights for him and friend? Wasn't there a chance friend's wife wouldn't get seats? If dh knew she was going why not let friend book the seats?

It's definitely a very weird situation.

Venicelover · 24/07/2020 15:40

I would be livid.

Your OH is disloyal and duplicitous.

It would be ultimatum time for me. Pick your side me or the friend.

Morgan12 · 24/07/2020 15:40

Nah fuck that. Your husband is a prick.

Drinkingallthewine · 24/07/2020 15:42

@emsyj37

Am i the only person who thinks it makes more sense that OP'S DH is the one who excluded her, and that the friend was asked to keep quiet?? And he ignored her at the event because he was embarrassed for her?

Yes, that's my take on it too.

A friend of DH's used to always leave his partner at home while the rest of the 'boys' would bring their wives or girlfriends. It was so that he could shag about. I dropped out of those trips early on because I simply could not look his lovely girlfriend in the eye knowing what he was doing behind her back. DH avoided her too for the same reason.
Once would be strange, for this to happen on every trip it suggests to me that either BF's partner goes on tour because she's wanted there by her partner or so she can see exactly what they get up to and doesn't trust her partner, having seen his friends behaviour on tour.
Either way, it's not good for OP.

Tohaveandtohold · 24/07/2020 15:42

What screams out to me from your post is that I’m so certain your DH does not want you on the trips as this is not the way he would react otherwise. Maybe be told his friend to try and convince you not to come and keep up the lies too. That’s why he can’t really see any issue with what the friend did. Probably so he can be free to be with another woman but I hope I’m wrong.
Either way, you need to have a serious word with him

TheChiefJo · 24/07/2020 15:50

@Tohaveandtohold

Totally agree. If DH husband had been tricked out of taking OP, and had really wanted her there, he would be livid on finding friend's wife was joining them. It would have strained the friendship and ruined the trip. He doesn't make his friend apologise because the friend was doing his bidding. I'd wonder if another woman was joining them.

Original poster

MrsQGinglass · 24/07/2020 15:50

I can assure you all the my husband does not have another woman.
Unless the OW has 2 wheels and reaches 180mph.
There were too many other people there that we know for my husband to have OW.

OP posts:

Tt101 · 24/07/2020 15:50

Your husband is the one excluding you. The friend did him a favour which is why friend won't apologize to you and your husband is happy for things to carry on as they are.

BurtsBeesKnees · 24/07/2020 15:53

I'd have gone absolutely bonkers at my dh if he'd done that to me. Ok so he might not have known that his bf partner was going, but as soon as he realised he should have at least tried to get you a flight out there. He should have also had strong words with his bf for lying

Tbh, my dh wouldn't go without me, if it was somewhere I wanted to go.

It actually sounds like your dh isn't that bothered if you're there or not. It certainly doesn't sound like he's got your back and his best friend comes before you. He's showing you how far down his priorities you come

Original poster

MrsQGinglass · 24/07/2020 15:54

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras
This is what makes me think that DH did not know that his friends partner was coming the flights were nearly full when I booked them, the friend did it after.
My husband should have turned and walked away at the airport.

OP posts:

Chickychickydodah · 24/07/2020 15:58

Your husband is a disrespectful tw@ . He needs to grow a pair and tell his “friend” to stop being a dick and apologise to you and then move on. If he doesn’t stand up for you and treat you better then move on. Personally I wouldn’t have put up with this for as long as you have. Good luck.

MikeUniformMike · 24/07/2020 16:00

Maybe not OP, but if he did, his friends would cover up for him.

My thoughts were more that his pals had a single female friend that they were trying to find a man for. Some people are scum.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 24/07/2020 16:04

When you contacted the wife and said you had no idea she was going and that no one thought to tell you, what did she reply?

LiveRightNow · 24/07/2020 16:04

Mmm this is very odd. I agree on the face of it, it looks like your husband was trying to exclude you but... you do mention in an earlier post you think the friend has a learning disability? And that he loses money as he takes people at face value? Is it possible that in his head he isn't excluding you just telling it how he sees things? (it's all about the sport, the other things just don't register - he doesn't actually realise that his wife being there but not inviting you would be wrong?). Giving you husband benefit of the doubt (which he may or may not deserve) could he be tolerating/ignoring this behaviour as he knows that it is not meant maliciously but is just the way he is? That said - even if this is the case it is not an excuse for such behaviour. Your husband should be (kindly if he genuinely doesn't realise), telling him it is socially unacceptable to exclude you. And he should have been able to privately tell you that the long haul trip wasn't going to just be motorsports.

KeepingPlain · 24/07/2020 16:05

No they are not shagging? That I am sure off, believe me when I say that the best friend partner would do absolutely nothing for him.

OP I know you think he wouldn't, but honestly it wouldn't be the first time someone came on here saying 'my husband slept with another woman, I don't even know why as she's not his type'. Cheaters don't have a type, they have a need, and the person is just there.

Likewise, having friends around hasn't stopped cheaters in the past. Other people have come on here saying 'my best friend knew my husband was cheating and said nothing to avoid hurting me'. Whether or not you think they are your friends, they are more his friends because they share a hobby together. They will lie to your face.

It's likely he's cheating, or he's just a knob head. I wouldn't want to be married to either. Your choice if you stay.

1forAll74 · 24/07/2020 16:07

You would seriously end a marriage because of this.??

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