Tell me if I am in the wrong

[MrsQGinglass]

Name changed for this, maybe I am wrong but I can't seem to forgive and forget and I know I also have a husband problem.

My husband had an amazing opportunity to go long haul on a trip for his hobby which was to a country that I always wanted to go to. It was a trip for 2 weeks, he and I both wanted me to go, his best friend also wanted to go.
His best friend described the trip as a boys trips, going between places to do my partners hobby, no sightseeing, nothing I would like. I would hate it Etc etc. He made the point of its just doing my partners hobby and a boys trip. In the end I said to my husband you and best friend go but explained that I was disappointed not to be going.
I booked the plane ticket for my husband and his best friend and booked internal flights, 3 months before they left.
Husband flies out on the trip, I am at work, the when my phone flashes up with a notification from Facebook, my husband and I hardly go on Facebook , my husband has been tagged in some photos by his best friends partner all standing having a great time eating in fabulous restaurants and doing an activity that I really wanted to do but was told by best friend that they would not have time for on this boys only trip.
I was furious to be lied to about this trip and the fact that his best friends partner was there, to not be there to support my partner, (it's a dangerous sport) and to be left out completely.
I contacted the wife and said I had no idea you were going and that no one thought to tell me. I also had major arguments with my husband as to why he had not told me and why his friends thought that their behaviour was ok.
My husband then went away again a month later with his best friend and their wife to run a business event. I have never been included in this business but my husband best friends family have, and guess what there was another photo on Facebook with the family and the wife's best mate sitting there all having a great time.
I absolutely lost it at my husband and told him that this was unacceptable and that his best friend was disrespectful of me and my relationship with my husband.
My husband and I worked through this and he agreed that his best friend had been in the wrong and next time I saw him, he would apologise.
Fast forward 6 months and I saw his best friend at a sporting event and his best friend ignored me. I was fine with this but told my husband that I though he was rude, my husband told me to be the bigger person and make the first move and say something to him, so I did and this was ignored again.
I have now told me husband that his best friend is not a nice person and he should not be so close to him and always be there for his best friend as his best friend does not do much for him. This has lead to major rows between myself and my husband to the point I am thinking of ending our marriage as my husband does not think of my feelings and still wants to be around people that clearly think so little of me.
AIBU for not wanting this people to be part of our lives or am I overreacting as my husband says I am.
Sorry if this is a little muddled but it's so outing

@GoodDogBellaBoo

When I contacted the partner she said she was sorry that I did not know she was going and they had booked her ticket about a month before they were due to go and that her partner always wants her to go everywhere with him.
I am fucked off that my partner did not call me from the airport and think their behaviour is ok.

There were too many other people there that we know for my husband to have OW.
^^
Honestly, not to sound harsh but that means nothing. Just because people you know were there doesn't mean he wasn't fooling around behind your back.
You really seem to be finding it hard to believe your husband has played a bad role in any of this. I'm not saying he's cheated, but he's definitely not been a good guy. I don't see how you can't see that!

@1forAll74

I am seriously considering it as my husband is showing so little respect for me.

I do not need a man in my life I am financially independent, strong and need to be respected. It's not much to ask in a relationship is it? I am sure you would want the same.

I wouldn't have been there when he got home.

I have no idea why you're still there.

@Pebblexox

If you see the partner booked the tickets months after I booked the tickets, believe me I thought my partner was an arsehole at the time, and still do!
I can't believe he is trying to justify the behaviour of the best friend:

Your dh is a shit. I dont believe him for a minute.

If your dh loved and respected you he would be as angry as you are with his best mate. He isn't. What does that tell you?

I wonder if you ever would have found out about the friends partner going, and the activities they did (that you wanted to do too) if she hadn’t tagged your husband? I mean, that’s the only reason you found out, your husband didn’t tell you even though he obviously could have and should have. And that I think is the biggest problem.

@Nanny0gg

I wouldn't have been there when he got home.

I have no idea why you're still there.

Agree. Your DH is 100% behind this, stop blaming the 'best friend'.

Op your relationship is not with your DH's dodgy friend, nor with his wife, your relationship is with your DH, and you should focus on him. His mate might be a twat (sounds like it) but he owes you nothing. Your DH owes you loyalty, truthfulness and respect. You need to focus on him.

Your dh didn't want you there. If he did you would have been there.

Your DH Best Mate is a liar and a cheat. He went to town on pursuading you out of a trip of a lifetime by saying there would only be time for the hobby. If your DH wanted you there he would have known that there would be time for more than the hobby. They wouldn't be doing the hobby at dinner? and he could have negotiated that there would be time.
Also the fights for BMs wife could have been booked the minute he had the details passed to him. or they could have been flexible.
Even so, that is a deliberate act and why was the BM keeping his partners presence a secret? If he is as thick as thieves with your DH, then surely he wouldn't have kept it a secret from him.
Its just very odd that your DH would not have known she was part of the group and if he didn't why he didn't make a fuss on your behalf when he did find out. Why didn't he tell you and apologise.
But then they did it all over again and your DH claims innocence again. There is just no excuse for inviting BMs wife's entire family whilst excluding you?

so sorry OP, it just doesn't wash.
Instead of standing up for you, you are then told to be the bigger person to the rude BM and patch things up with the Best Mate who despite your attempt ignores you a second time.
It all just seems so implausible to believe that your DH is unknowing throughout and is fighting for you to be included. He seems more worried about his BM's feelings.
Pointing out the obvious should lead to your DH understanding your point of view but you say it leads to rows, presumably where he's defending the BM.
Then there were pictures of each event posted on Facebook for you to find?
Sorry OP, I cannot see this situation getting better as it sounds like your DH feels no remorse for excluding you, so there's no guarantee they won't do it again, and even if he did include you, would you really want to hang around with this crowd? The BM, his wife etc have declared where they stand.

There were too many other people there that we know for my husband to have OW

Myself and my dh go away with friends all the time to watch MotoGP and different types of bike racing. Don't for one moment rule out another woman because he's gone with lots of people. I'm afraid I've seen it on more than one occasion.

@1forAll74

You would seriously end a marriage because of this.??

You would seriously stay in a marriage where you were treated like this?

I don't understand why the friend wouldn't want you there when his own partner was going. If the friend wanted to go off with your husband for more of a boys' holiday then surely his own wife would ruin things?

Did you say the friend's wife took her friend, too?

Am i the only person who thinks it makes more sense that OP'S DH is the one who excluded her, and that the friend was asked to keep quiet??

I think this too. I do a male dominated hobby that involves trips away, and I have seen men use this sort of group trip to do things they wouldn't do with their wives/partners around.

Your DH obviously knew full well she was going - if he didn't then why didn't he call/text from the airport and say "[Friend's wife] has turned up - he never told me she was coming!" ? He knew they were going to spend some time doing fun things, but didn't want you there.

She was doing you a favour by posting on Facebook - if she hadn't you'd have never found out. Has this happened before with other trips, but you remained unaware?

Even if they hadn't spent time doing the stuff you'd enjoy - why didn't he suggest that you come and do your own thing, so at least you got the trip away? You could spend time together in the evening, when they aren't doing the hobby.

The friend is kind of irrelevant in all this. He doesn't owe you anything at all, but your DH does. Definitely LTB.

The BM, his wife etc have declared where they stand.

Tbf, the BM's wife has done nothing wrong at all, as far as I can tell. She has nothing to feel guilty about - all she's done is go on a trip with her husband. And she obviously hasn't tried to keep it a secret.

All the conniving and lying was done by the DH and his mate,

@HollowTalk
No the partner did not take her friend, on the trip of a lifetime, but on an event that my husband and his best friend run.
It

You should have been less acquiescent when the trip was being planned, why is your DH's friend calling the shots? If he's perceived as such an 'idiot' why are you setting so much store by his opinion? Clearly some sightseeing was possible and that could have been arranged - possibly doing something on your own or with a local company (but maybe that's not your thing). I really don't know why you're doing all the booking and your DH and his BM disrespect you not once but twice in this way. Don't expect an apology form the socially challenged BM but do demand better treatment from your DH going forward or you're really being a sap. Your DH has behaved shabbily and is more loyal to his mate than he is to you!

"When I contacted the partner she said she was sorry that I did not know she was going and they had booked her ticket about a month before they were due to go and that her partner always wants her to go everywhere with him ." (my bolding)

So, husband's friend always wants his girlfriend to accompany him. I do not, cannot believe that your husband is unaware of his friend's preference. And so, I cannot believe that your husband thought he and his friend would be going away for two weeks, and she would not be coming.

It's getting clearer and clearer - it was your husband's choice that you not come on that trip.

As to his friend putting you off - I'm now wondering if he did that off his own bat or was prompted to do so by your husband . Sorry.

I have just given told my husband yet again that he has to choose what he wants as I am not backing down at all from this, I have not seen him since Sunday as I chucked him out, he is at his mums.
He is telling me that he is not well and that the stress I am putting on him is so unfair.
I told him that he should have thought about that before he asked me to be the bigger person and his mate should have thought about how his actions effected his best mate.
Having read all your posts I know I am in the right and not for one moment have I not blamed my husband.

@WhereYouLeftIt
I have know this couple for years and have never heard of this one before.

[quote MrsQGinglass]@romeolovedjulliet
My husband wanted me there. It was a trip of a lifetime. I did not go because his best friend made it sound awful, yet he took his partner and did all the things I suggested.[/quote]
Your husband did not want you there, otherwise he would've insisted or fought more in your corner.

If I were you, I'd be wondering what your husband says about you behind your back to his friend, to have made his friend act towards you in that way.

You only have DH/BM/BM's wife's word that her ticket was booked after. And what does it signify that she booked later anyway? It would still have been in plenty of time for you to book too.

My take is either that BM and/or his wife don't like you OR that BM's wife wanted her BFF as her 'only companion' instead of you or didn't want you playing gooseberry.

If my DH hadn't known this woman was coming and found it out at the airport, he would have called me and told me to hop on the next plane. However, I do think your DH knew ahead of time and was too much of a coward to stick up for you. How could he not have? I doubt very much BM kept it a secret and I'm also sure that if DH was involved in organizing this trip the total numbers and 'guest list' would have been known to him. Doesn't say much for him, does it?

I had a similar situation a few years ago where my DH's DM's wife tried to exclude me because she wanted her BFF there to hang out with and seating was limited. Tough shit. DH said no way and she pouted through the whole thing.

[quote MrsQGinglass]@Star81
My anger is at my husband, I am seriously considering ending our marriage as he thinks I should not bring this up again, he can't make his best friend apologise although the best friend did say he was in the wrong, and that he does not think he should cut down contact with his best friend.
I would cut all contact if my friend had done this to my husband. This is why I am so angry.[/quote]
Your husband is at fault and I would be ending the marriage. He has picked his BF and W over you. She clearly was rubbing your nose in it by tagging him on facebook