Tell me if I am in the wrong

[MrsQGinglass]

Name changed for this, maybe I am wrong but I can't seem to forgive and forget and I know I also have a husband problem.

My husband had an amazing opportunity to go long haul on a trip for his hobby which was to a country that I always wanted to go to. It was a trip for 2 weeks, he and I both wanted me to go, his best friend also wanted to go.
His best friend described the trip as a boys trips, going between places to do my partners hobby, no sightseeing, nothing I would like. I would hate it Etc etc. He made the point of its just doing my partners hobby and a boys trip. In the end I said to my husband you and best friend go but explained that I was disappointed not to be going.
I booked the plane ticket for my husband and his best friend and booked internal flights, 3 months before they left.
Husband flies out on the trip, I am at work, the when my phone flashes up with a notification from Facebook, my husband and I hardly go on Facebook , my husband has been tagged in some photos by his best friends partner all standing having a great time eating in fabulous restaurants and doing an activity that I really wanted to do but was told by best friend that they would not have time for on this boys only trip.
I was furious to be lied to about this trip and the fact that his best friends partner was there, to not be there to support my partner, (it's a dangerous sport) and to be left out completely.
I contacted the wife and said I had no idea you were going and that no one thought to tell me. I also had major arguments with my husband as to why he had not told me and why his friends thought that their behaviour was ok.
My husband then went away again a month later with his best friend and their wife to run a business event. I have never been included in this business but my husband best friends family have, and guess what there was another photo on Facebook with the family and the wife's best mate sitting there all having a great time.
I absolutely lost it at my husband and told him that this was unacceptable and that his best friend was disrespectful of me and my relationship with my husband.
My husband and I worked through this and he agreed that his best friend had been in the wrong and next time I saw him, he would apologise.
Fast forward 6 months and I saw his best friend at a sporting event and his best friend ignored me. I was fine with this but told my husband that I though he was rude, my husband told me to be the bigger person and make the first move and say something to him, so I did and this was ignored again.
I have now told me husband that his best friend is not a nice person and he should not be so close to him and always be there for his best friend as his best friend does not do much for him. This has lead to major rows between myself and my husband to the point I am thinking of ending our marriage as my husband does not think of my feelings and still wants to be around people that clearly think so little of me.
AIBU for not wanting this people to be part of our lives or am I overreacting as my husband says I am.
Sorry if this is a little muddled but it's so outing

OP, I'd really be suspicious that the BM's partner's friend is your DH's OW.
Sorry.

I don't think I could get over that. Literally excluding you. I'd leave, honestly I couldn't cope with being treated like that.

@AcrossthePond55
I booked the tickets for husband and best friend, and booked it a couple of days before they needed to get there. I organised the flights.

@MikeUniformMike
I know they are not having an affair, as she is 65, 15 stone with breathing difficulties, she can't walk up a flight of stairs.
I can assure you she is not my partners type.

OK. Just me being overly suspicious.

@AcrossthePond55
The partners best friend came on the business event, everyone books their own flights and hotel directly. The only think they business know about is what race bikes they are transporting.
The partners best friend did not come on the trip of a lifetime.

@MikeUniformMike
As I said she can't walk up stairs let alone get on it in the bedroom. Also her husband was at the event.

She clearly was rubbing your nose in it by tagging him on facebook

I think this is a bit unfair - it's not her fault that the the OP's DH excluded her from the trip. The friend's wife wasn't the instigator of any of the nasty stuff here. She hasn't lied to the OP, and she didn't persuade the OP not to go.

All of that stuff is down to the DH and his mate.

The friend's wife may have no idea that the OP was excluded - she may well have been told that the OP chose not to come, and is just innocently posting her holiday snaps up. She had every right to go on a trip with her DH.

If I went on a group trip and someone said their wife had chosen not to come, I'd take them at their word. If I posted photos up it wouldn't be with the intention of rubbing anyone's nose in anything.

"I have know this couple for years and have never heard of [husband's friend always wants his girlfriend to accompany him] before."

She was the one who told you "that her partner always wants her to go everywhere with him", you're saying it's the first you've heard of this.

So what are you actually saying?

That she's lying? Or that this is the first time you've been aware that she goes on these trips too, because your husband has never mentioned it and you only know because she messed up and tagged him in her FB pictures?

And as for "He is telling me that he is not well and that the stress I am putting on him is so unfair."
Classic tactic. Although it's usually a parent clutching at their heart and telling their adult child that their accusations are 'making them ill and just drop it, do you want me dead'?

I'd suggest his lies have caught up with him.

Or that this is the first time you've been aware that she goes on these trips too, because your husband has never mentioned it and you only know because she messed up and tagged him in her FB pictures?

This is spot on.

This has happened before OP - you just didn't know because it happened not to be posted on facebook.

She's done you a massive favour - because now you know.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable
I told her what her partner had said, I made the decision not to go based on what her partner said.
My husband had not been before.
My husband wanted me to go.....
My husband should have told me when he got to the airport 100% and he should not have gone, absolutely.
My problem is I was told to suck it up and be the bigger person and put out an olive branch, this was thrown in my face. I have asked my husband to pull away from his friend as I feel he is toxic but my husband Won't do this hence why I am thinking of leaving him as I feel he doesn't not respect me or my feelings.

My husband had not been before.

Not on the trip of a lifetime, now. But he goes on the annual trips, doesn't he?

@WhereYouLeftIt
It's the first time I have heard her say that her partner wants her to go with him, there has been other trips that she has not. I am not saying she is lying, I am saying that I have never witnessed it.
I have always known if she was going before as there is no need to keep it from me.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable
Yes you are right he goes and does his hobby a couple of times a year and I know who is always going and if she is going I have no problem with anyone going.
I WAS told that she was not going and it was a boys trip, by her partner. This is a bit different from a weekend in Portugal.

"My problem is I was told to suck it up and be the bigger person and put out an olive branch, this was thrown in my face. I have asked my husband to pull away from his friend as I feel he is toxic but my husband Won't do this hence why I am thinking of leaving him as I feel he doesn't not respect me or my feelings."

You're still focussing on the friend and believing that he was behind you not going on that trip, that he didn't want you there and did his best to put you off.

Put that to one side, and consider an alternative possibility. That your husband was the driving force, that he told his rather dim friend what to say and to keep quiet about being told to say it. You then find out trip was not boys-only. How would dim friend behave on finding out his friend and business partner (who has bailed him out many times and whom he therefore 'owes') was expecting him to take the fall? Would he fess up to you, apologise for something he didn't do, or - mentally run away from it all by ignoring you?

Which of these two scenarios feels more likely to you?

OP your DH failed you when he allowed his mate to convince you that it is a boys only trip.
He failed you again in the month leading up for pretending not to know Mates Wife is coming too. Even if he didn't know (which is bollocks) he failed you again at the airport, by not letting you know immediately. He then failed you by not trying to get you to join the trip short notice. He then failed you by letting you find out via facebook.

And after this he failed you again and again and again - and you are focusing on his Mate? You are putting your focus completely onto the wrong person. I truly think it's too painful for you to acknowledge you DHs disrespect towards you.

LTB

OP, your DH basically doesn’t seem to like you very much

@WhereYouLeftIt
The friend is not that clever to do that, honestly I can assure you he is not clever enough.

I think you've made it very clear that you will blame it all on the friend, therefore I'm unsure what advice you're after?

I blame my husband as well, don't you worry why do you think I chucked him out a week ago.

The friend is a red herring. Your HUSBAND didn't want you there on the trip. He didn't want you at the event. Whatever the reason behind it (affair, wanting to get pissed without any hassle, the opportunity to shag around if an offer came up), he clearly wants to exclude you from significant areas of his life. It is nothing to do with the friend. You have referred to the friend's 'shitty behaviour' and called him 'toxic' but you are missing the fact that it is your husband who is 100% of the issue here. The scenario you present, that your DH was somehow hoodwinked into excluding you by the friend, doesnt make sense. I would put my whole life savings on a bet that this is not what happened. Your DH is the one who saw to it that you were not on these trips. Not the friend. Your husband. The friend in all likelihood couldn't give a shit either way.

Your husband knew she was going.

How could they plan the trip? Sleeping arrangements? Plans? Discussions.

@emsyj37
I decided not to go! My husband wanted me there and was asking me to go right up to the last minute.
My husband does not drink and drinking certainly does not go with motor sport racing.
I could bet our life saving it was not affair.
We had a very happy relationship, no issues, always happy, no money worries.
The only issue is now this and the fact that my husband will not acknowledge my feelings.

@GabriellaMontez
The trip was part of a race event, ie someone booked them into hotels, one person per room. We had to book the flights.

They were just example scenarios really, Im not saying any of those were the real reason. But why would your husband 'discover' that the friend had invited his wife after all and then not tell you, not be furious, and continue the friendship without any bad feeling? It does not make sense. You say you decided not to go, but that was because you were spun a story that it was a boys trip and you wouldn't enjoy it etc. I just dont believe that the friend was the instigator of the "boys trip" story I'm afraid. It makes much more sense that it was your DH who asked the friend to help him put you off, whilst he enjoys immunity from any flak because he 'wanted you to go'. If he had genuinely wanted you to go, he wouldn't have reacted as he did.