To expect step daughter to move rooms?

[twinnursery]

Long time lurker but first time poster.

DH has a 7yo DD from a previous relationship. She's with us every other week. We have a 2yo DD together and are expecting twin boys. We live in a 4 bedroom house, all 4 are double rooms. Smallest 2 are identical in size. Currently 2yo is in one of the "small" rooms and 7yo is in the larger one, with me and DH in the master. I think 7yo should be in the other "small" one (but as I said, it's not actually that small) and the twins should be in the bigger room since there will be 2 of them, and they'll be living here all the time. DH thinks the twins should have the smaller room since they're younger. Just to avoid drip feeding, twins will be in our room for around 6 months but I want to sort out bedrooms before we have 2 newborns in the house. Also won't be moving any time soon so would rather have a long term solution now.

YANBU - twins should have the bigger room
YABU - twins should have the smaller room

@aSofaNearYou what I was dismissing was the idea that I should feel ‘empathy’ towards people who didn’t have enough space to put all their baby stuff in one room (and the implication that I was rich and entitled for not doing so). Sorry but I really don’t think that particular predicament is one of life’s great struggles.
Being a step child , however, is extremely challenging, especially if you have a step mother who doesn’t have much understanding or concern for how and why being a step child might be challenging.

@funinthesun19 wow I really hope you have no SC. If you don’t, For the good of the world, please never ever get with a man who already has children.

We would not even be here if the child was blood related. I remember moving kids around according to their needs at the time.

Of course the twins need the bigger room because they’ll be sharing! I’m the eldest and when I was the same age as your step daughter, I had to move from a spacious room I grew up in to the small room. My brothers had to share the big room when my baby brother grew out of his cot.

My dad decorated my room and I was allowed to choose wallpaper, carpet, wardrobe, bed etc. This got me on board. Maybe you could do the same with your step daughter?

@Bizawit

Perhaps empathy wasn't quite the word, I wasn't suggesting you should feel sorry for them, but you lack comprehension if you can't understand why some people might not have the space to allocate bedrooms based on the assumption that everyone's belongings will be kept in communal areas instead. Several other people have explained it perfectly clearly.

You're proving my point by assuming the only reason I could possibly have been saying what I was saying was to prove that somebody had a harder life than the step daughter. I'm saying it's not always possible for people to use having a certain bedroom as a tool to support her with her feelings. Most people don't allocate bedrooms based on who has the most cause to be sad, it's purely about who can actually fit themselves and all their stuff where.

@aSofaNearYou , yeh I get it. But personally I’m of the view that children’s emotional well-being is more important than stuff. One of my good friends lives in a tiny bed sit with her partner, baby and dog. They are looking forward to the council providing them with a 1 bed when their second baby arrives in a few months, so their 1 shared bedroom doesn’t also have to function as a living room. It’s a squeeze for sure and personally I think they ought to have more space, but they have found room for everything they need and are happy. So’s the baby.

@Bizawit one baby is very different from four young children when it comes to how much stuff they accumulate (including essential furniture and items, this problem is not unique to people who buy a ridiculous amount of toys).

It's somewhat tangential, but it's entirely possible that DSD would not share the view that being in that one specific bedroom is more important than stuff, too. Stuff is generally very important to kids. Again, we're not talking absolutely loads of stuff, but when you're juggling a living space with six people including four kids, it wouldn't take any of them to have much each for the communal areas to be too full and for them to start having to throw things away or stop buying things. She quite likely wouldn't prefer to be in that room and not get any gifts or toys because there's no space anywhere, and I'm sure if there was a thread saying "we don't think stuff is important so we're not going to buy anything for DSD" you would be on here saying how damaging that must be to DSD's mental wellbeing. When you have four children and don't have an endless amount of space, you need to utilise it for their sake, as much as your own.

@funinthesun19 wow I really hope you have no SC. If you don’t, For the good of the world, please never ever get with a man who already has children.

Thankfully I don’t and I wouldn’t dream of it.
And my children could potentially have a stepmum one day, but I wouldn’t expect her to shove her children in a tiny room while mine have the huge bedroom to be only used once a fortnight. I guess I’m just a realist whereas you’re just up in the cloud somewhere.

my children could potentially have a stepmum one day, but I wouldn’t expect her to shove her children in a tiny room while mine have the huge bedroom to be only used once a fortnight

Same here. My DD lives with her dad every other week in a 3 bed house. Currently he has a girlfriend and though they dont have children together yet it is a possibility in future.

If they were to go on to have multiple children together I would be 100% on board with DD being moved to a smaller room so that her siblings could share the larger room as I can see the practicality of the reasoning.

The only way I would have an issue with it is if it was handled badly or was done for no reason (eg both rooms were identical sizes but SM arbitrarily wanted DDs room for a nursery). As long as it was discussed with DD beforehand (ie she didnt just turn up one week and her stuff had been moved while she was gone) and she was given some sort of input- even if it was just what colour to paint the walls - then I would support the decision.

If it’s so impractical to put the twin boys in the smaller room, I wonder why OP’s partner is advocating for it? Could it be that he is concerned about his elder daughter’s wellbeing?

Only on MN could a double bedroom be described as "tiny"

I honestly don’t understand why a child would need the biggest bedroom just because their parents are divorced. I know I’m coming across as cold here, but that isn’t really a reason is it? A smaller room for one child is perfectly good enough and is all they need.
Throwing it in the second children’s faces that their parents are still together and that they should have to put up with crap like a much smaller space when they don’t have to, is really really cruel. In a together family it just wouldn’t be an issue at all, and two twins would have the bigger room no questions asked.

If it’s so impractical to put the twin boys in the smaller room, I wonder why OP’s partner is advocating for it? Could it be that he is concerned about his elder daughter’s wellbeing?

Or that it’s the irrational guilt that some dads feel. Note the key word irrational.

In a together family the arrival of two more siblings who get to live with Daddy full time when she doesn't wouldn't be an issue

Not a single person has said that the twins shouldn't get the bigger room in time. It's the timing of it that's the issue.

The twins will have full size double bedroom. They're not being squeezed into a box room. That's plenty of space. Once they start playing in their room in a year or two then life will be more settled for the step-child and it won't seem like she's losing her room as well as her Dad's attention to the new babies.

It depends on how she feels about it. If she's very happy about it, especially if she gets input into the decoration, then move her into the smaller room, as twins will have an awful lot of stuff, and will need the space as they grow. But if she's really unhappy about the idea I'd leave it.

@lyralalala

In a together family the arrival of two more siblings who get to live with Daddy full time when she doesn't wouldn't be an issue

Not a single person has said that the twins shouldn't get the bigger room in time. It's the timing of it that's the issue.

The twins will have full size double bedroom. They're not being squeezed into a box room. That's plenty of space. Once they start playing in their room in a year or two then life will be more settled for the step-child and it won't seem like she's losing her room as well as her Dad's attention to the new babies.

Exactly.

@Bizawit

If it’s so impractical to put the twin boys in the smaller room, I wonder why OP’s partner is advocating for it? Could it be that he is concerned about his elder daughter’s wellbeing?

Probably more likely he doesn't want to upset his little princess and can't be arsed having a sensible conversation with her.

There’s a lot of judgement on here - only OP knows/can find out why DH feels how he feels and also discover what SD feels about a potential room move and her new two siblings.
For me there are two issues that dominate:

1. Being a step child can be hard and truly blending a family requires awareness of this fact
2. The twins will know no different

@atta2006

There’s a lot of judgement on here - only OP knows/can find out why DH feels how he feels and also discover what SD feels about a potential room move and her new two siblings. For me there are two issues that dominate:

1. Being a step child can be hard and truly blending a family requires awareness of this fact
2. The twins will know no different

The twins absolutely will know different when they are older.

I love you how you totally forgot "there is not enough space in the room for the twins"

Practicality should dominate.

The twins will have full size double bedroom. They're not being squeezed into a box room.

So if it is good enough for the twins, why is it not good enough for the DSD, who doesnt need the extra space?

I have a double bedroom, if I put two cots, a wardrobe, a changing table and a nursing chair in here, as the minimum amount of necessary furniture - so not taking into account for any other items that might be best stored in the bedroom, such as bulkier toys, later stage items eg parts of travel systems that cant be used until children are older etc or items that might be practical for use by the adult eg a table with a lamp for night feeds, laundry basket for dirty clothes, nappy bin for when you cba going down to the bins after night changing etc - they would physically fit but would give very little room for maneuvering, and it would not have much in the way of floor space to have two people in the same room and be able to move freely - eg if the OP and her DH are changing/feeding at the same time.

Why should the OP have to "make do" even for a short amount of time with an inadequately sized room when there is a bigger room that would allow for things to be easier, just down the hall.

So you think it would upset her then? You are just advocating that the SM shouldn’t cate?

So you think it would upset her then? You are just advocating that the SM shouldn’t cate?

I think pretty much any child would have a huff about moving rooms when they’re used to their room. But for some reason some parents don’t want to deal with the upset and would rather muddle through. More fool them really.

I agree that it needs to be done in a way that isn’t abrupt. For example don’t pack all her stuff away in to the other room while she’s not there and throw the bombshell on her in that way when she comes back. But it does need to be done eventually. In a nice way of course. Let her pick wallpaper for her new room etc... She will probably be unhappy about it at first just like any other child probably would, but she’ll have to get used to it just like any other child would.

The dad needs to make sure he doesn’t bury his head in the sand about it.

Your SD may feel like she's not wanted or as important as the twins. Good luck I think it's going to be a hard sell.

So if it is good enough for the twins, why is it not good enough for the DSD, who doesnt need the extra space?

Because, as has been pointed out numerous times, the issue for the step-child isn’t about the space. It’s about losing her current space, that was given to her, to the twins at a time when she’s already likely to feel pushed out.

New baby arrival is well known for being an extremely difficult time for non-resident children. The OP’s DSD is about to be hit by twins, which is a bombshell in any house, just 2 years after the last new baby.

So she’s likely to feel unsettled. She’s also likely to have to deal with less attention for a while because twins are hard, especially with a 2 year old in tow. That means she’s probably going to escape to her room a bit. That’s going to be amplified if she’s already feeling pushed out over the room situation.

A double room is plenty of space for baby twins, they’re not being squeezed into a box room.

Poor kid ..
First batch second class.... you'll need a bigger house as you didn't plan your family or consider her a full time member of it