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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect step daughter to move rooms?

258 replies

twinnursery · 24/07/2020 11:35

Long time lurker but first time poster.

DH has a 7yo DD from a previous relationship. She's with us every other week. We have a 2yo DD together and are expecting twin boys. We live in a 4 bedroom house, all 4 are double rooms. Smallest 2 are identical in size. Currently 2yo is in one of the "small" rooms and 7yo is in the larger one, with me and DH in the master. I think 7yo should be in the other "small" one (but as I said, it's not actually that small) and the twins should be in the bigger room since there will be 2 of them, and they'll be living here all the time. DH thinks the twins should have the smaller room since they're younger. Just to avoid drip feeding, twins will be in our room for around 6 months but I want to sort out bedrooms before we have 2 newborns in the house. Also won't be moving any time soon so would rather have a long term solution now.

YANBU - twins should have the bigger room
YABU - twins should have the smaller room

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 25/07/2020 20:52

Instead of being shaken and distraught and pushed out, she might actually be excited and looking forward to 2 new babies? But that doesn't really fit the wicked stepmother narrative...

Porcupineinwaiting · 25/07/2020 20:59

She can be looking forward to the babies coming and feel a bit insecure about it. She can love them and resent them when they arrive. Same for the younger dd.

Mixed feelings about new siblings are the norm and it's not like twin boys (congratulations btw) arent going to have a big impact on family life and dynamics.

WaxOnFeckOff · 25/07/2020 21:05

@Porcupineinwaiting

She can be looking forward to the babies coming and feel a bit insecure about it. She can love them and resent them when they arrive. Same for the younger dd.

Mixed feelings about new siblings are the norm and it's not like twin boys (congratulations btw) arent going to have a big impact on family life and dynamics.

Exactly, just the same as a full sibling.
Porcupineinwaiting · 25/07/2020 21:19

Yes that's what I said. But the younger sibling isnt being asked to change rooms (for a good reason) so that's not relevant here. I agree the sd should eventually change, but personally I'd wait til the twins actually need the room.

Bizawit · 25/07/2020 21:40

Can’t believe 83% are for YANBU. People are so insensitive. Reading mumsnet makes me think no one should ever blend a family when children are involved.

YABU OP. Your SD may be feeling insecure with the arrival of the twins and unsure of her place in the family. Let her keep her room. Babies don’t care what space they are in, and it sounds like
the rooms are a good size anyway. Your SD’s feelings are the priority.

itsgettingweird · 25/07/2020 21:43

@melj1213

I would leave things as they are and ensure that she still knows she is a big part of your lives.

DSD can still know she is a big part of the OPs family life from the comfort of the smaller double bedroom she uses part time, freeing up the larger room for her twin brothers to share full time.

Agree.

She is part of their lives.

She isn't the most special kid of all 4 siblings.

Her twin brothers will have to share. She won't.

melj1213 · 25/07/2020 21:57

Let her keep her room. Babies don’t care what space they are in, and it sounds like
the rooms are a good size anyway. Your SD’s feelings are the priority

Have you read the OPs updates? She has clearly said that the "smaller" double is more than adequate for DSD and her stuff when she stays 50% of the time but would be a very tight fit for twins and all of their stuff which would be used 100% of the time.

Step children's feelings should be taken into account, the same as the OPs other daughter's feelings should also be accounted for, but I disagree that they should be priority over all else.

The OPs DSD is 7. Her DD is 2, so the OP has been in a relationship with her DP for 3, probably closer to 4 years at least, so over half the DSDs life. At what point do step children stop getting blanket priority for everything?

I have one DD and she spends every other week with her dad. If I got into a new relationship and had another child and there was an issue over room sizes then I would almost certainly give DC2 the bigger room as they would be using it 100% of the time whereas DD is here 50% of the time and also has another room full of stuff at her dads, so doesn't need extra space at my house.

masterchef98 · 25/07/2020 23:22

I think it is going to be quite a few years until your twins would notice or be affected by it so I would just postpone the bedroom decision until closer to the time.

2020iscancelled · 25/07/2020 23:31

Well I suppose take the part time issue out of it, if she were living there full time (either as SD or your own child) and then you had twin boys, would you juggle them around?

I suspect most families would juggle the rooms around to fit the NEED not the age / priority etc. If two have to share then they need the bigger room, if you’re talking two cots and some storage at the minimum then that room does need to be a fair size, cots are almost the size of beds!

My SC share a room because they come one night a week, are same sex and similar ages. My DC has own bigger room even though they are of toddler age because that room is closer to my bedroom whereas the other is across the stair landing and not handy to pop into several times in the night. Plus SC can make more noise and it doesn’t disturb the baby.

So it’s more about who practically needs what - that should be the case regardless of step / not step status.

AnotherEmma · 26/07/2020 00:03

"She has two bedrooms, her new siblings will have half a room each, so she is so much better off than them, even if her new room is a bit smaller."

"much better off"?
This shows an astonishing lack of empathy for the insecure feelings of a step-child.
A child whose parents are separated and who has to go between two households is in no way "better off" than their half-sibling who gets to grow up with both their parents in one household.
Having a bedroom in each household doesn't make a child better off, it just means they have to spend their childhood going between the two.
I would have chosen sharing with a twin sibling over being a child of separated parents, hands down.

(I voted YANBU, btw, as I do think DSD should move bedrooms to allow the twins to have the bigger one. I can see both sides of the argument for doing it now v later but I think I would lean towards now as you'll have more time and energy to focus on making her new room lovely now, rather than in a few years when you have a 4yo and twin 2yos!)

luluw41 · 26/07/2020 05:37

Not unreasonable - just practical. If it were just one baby you wouldn’t be thinking about moving her, but it isn’t. What about tempting her out with a loft bed with a nice desk set up underneath? We only have 3 bedrooms, 2 large doubles and 1 small double. DD is the oldest with 2 younger brothers. She was 8 when our youngest boy was born and in the larger of the 2 bedrooms. We had to put the boys in together in her room and move her out into the smaller. As it wasn’t that big we got her a loft bed which, at the time she loved. She’s 25 now and still in there but with a small double bed. It is what it is I’m afraid, she’ll just have to make the most of it.

Bizawit · 26/07/2020 08:33

@melj1213

*Let her keep her room. Babies don’t care what space they are in, and it sounds like the rooms are a good size anyway. Your SD’s feelings are the priority*

Have you read the OPs updates? She has clearly said that the "smaller" double is more than adequate for DSD and her stuff when she stays 50% of the time but would be a very tight fit for twins and all of their stuff which would be used 100% of the time.

Step children's feelings should be taken into account, the same as the OPs other daughter's feelings should also be accounted for, but I disagree that they should be priority over all else.

The OPs DSD is 7. Her DD is 2, so the OP has been in a relationship with her DP for 3, probably closer to 4 years at least, so over half the DSDs life. At what point do step children stop getting blanket priority for everything?

I have one DD and she spends every other week with her dad. If I got into a new relationship and had another child and there was an issue over room sizes then I would almost certainly give DC2 the bigger room as they would be using it 100% of the time whereas DD is here 50% of the time and also has another room full of stuff at her dads, so doesn't need extra space at my house.

Yes I’ve read the updates. They are babies for god’s sake- I have one. They really don’t take up much space , and all their ‘stuff’ doesn’t need to be in one room. I never said the SD’s feelings should take priority over everything, but she is a child who’s likely feeling insecure about the arrival of new siblings, and it’s not the time to kick her out of her space. Horrible lack of empathy here for the situation step children are in. I hope you don’t have any SC!!
Bizawit · 26/07/2020 09:53

I do take a PP point though that it is easier to move a 7 year old than a 9 year old, so maybe moving now is the more practical choice. But I can’t stand the total lack of empathy and consideration for the feelings of SC . The fact that it is already the SD’s room and she might be attached to it, and she might feel hurt by being asked to give it up for her new half siblings (and how those feelings might feed into broader blended family dynamics) doesn’t even factor in the OP’s post, and weighing of the decision.

BluebellForest836 · 26/07/2020 09:56

It’s more practical to have 2 kids in one larger room.

She moves. It makes sense

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2020 11:00

They really don't take up much space, and their "stuff" doesn't need to be in one room

It's funny, you've talked a lot about lack of empathy for the DSD, but I think this shows a distinct lack of empathy for people who can't afford large houses. Some people do not have the necessary living space for the kids stuff to be kept anywhere other than their rooms, there are four kids in this case. Some people on this thread seem to champion the decisions about who sleeps well being purely emotive, but for others, it's largely practical. I have empathy for DSD, as do most others on this thread, hence why so many are making suggestions to cushion the blow. But that doesn't change the fact that it doesn't actually matter and sometimes practical decisions are necessary for the family to run successfully.

justmakemeacuppa · 26/07/2020 11:54

Just say she’ll be sharing with one of the twins if she wants to stay in the big room

Bizawit · 26/07/2020 12:12

@aSofaNearYou

They really don't take up much space, and their "stuff" doesn't need to be in one room

It's funny, you've talked a lot about lack of empathy for the DSD, but I think this shows a distinct lack of empathy for people who can't afford large houses. Some people do not have the necessary living space for the kids stuff to be kept anywhere other than their rooms, there are four kids in this case. Some people on this thread seem to champion the decisions about who sleeps well being purely emotive, but for others, it's largely practical. I have empathy for DSD, as do most others on this thread, hence why so many are making suggestions to cushion the blow. But that doesn't change the fact that it doesn't actually matter and sometimes practical decisions are necessary for the family to run successfully.

Oh bog off- poor poor people with so much baby stuff you can’t even put it all in one room Hmm. Ridiculous.
frazzledasarock · 26/07/2020 12:30

@Bizawit lots of stuff for babies would be, two cots, a wardrobe, a feeding/comfy chair for night feeds, some toys. A changing unit or space on the floor for changing mat, space for stacks of nappies that will be needed, I’ve got one baby and I cannot imagine the amount of nappies two would get thro in a week.

I’d probably also try and put car seats on top of wardrobes when not in use.

Two cots would take up a lot of room anyway.

That’s all essentials as far as I can see

It’s not mean or unreasonable to find a way to get DSD on board to moving into the slightly smaller room, which would also be away from the crying babies so she’d get a better nights sleep.

I also think doing it sooner and getting her settled in her new room is a lot easier than doing it after the new babies arrive, as everyone will be tired and focussed on the meeting the needs of newborns.

I can’t see in anyway how anyone can actually say one person needs more space than two people.

melj1213 · 26/07/2020 12:44

Yes I’ve read the updates. They are babies for god’s sake- I have one. They really don’t take up much space , and all their ‘stuff’ doesn’t need to be in one room

One baby might not take up much space but two take up more twice as much. When you take into account the need for everything to be, at a minimum, at a higher volume - more wardrobe space, more toy storage, larger laundry basket for the additional washing that twins create, more bottles and other general baby paraphernalia etc - or double, especially with bulky furniture - cots, high chairs, car seats, prams, bassinets, walkers etc - and that they have their other children's stuff to accommodate in the same space and suddenl the extra storage space in their room is not a bad thing, especially when they dont actively need the space to play in.

Equally not everyone wants to spread their children's stuff through the house - my DD had a toy box in our living room when she was little and now she has bits and pieces in logical locations but for the most part the bulk of her stuff has always been stored in her room because it was out of the way and I always knew where to find it.

When my aunt had twins so much more of their stuff was stored in their bedroom because she didn't have space elsewhere. With previous children she could store toys in the living room, but now her older children's toys were there, so the babies bulkier stuff went in their room and was brought out as it was used and then returned; with two high chairs and a toddler needing a booster seat, the dining table didn't fit in the same place so other items had to be relocated temporarily, taking up storage elsewhere that would otherwise have been available for baby stuff; the hall cupboard was full of two car seats and a double pram, so instead of storing extra wipes/nappies there, they go in the nursery etcetc

I never said the SD’s feelings should take priority over everything, but she is a child who’s likely feeling insecure about the arrival of new siblings, and it’s not the time to kick her out of her space.

You said that her feelings should take priority. I think that the priority should be practicality and that feelings should be taken into account but DSDs feelings should not be top priority.

Perhaps the OPs DD1 is feeling insecure too - especially considering she is about to get two new siblings that will be around full time and are going to take a lot of the time she used to have 1 on 1 with her parents when DSD isn't there, should her feelings have higher or lower priority than DSDs?

Horrible lack of empathy here for the situation step children are in. I hope you don’t have any SC!!

It is not lack of empathy for SC, I have said previously that the situation should be handled in a positive way and DSDs feelings should be taken into account, but I disagree with DSD being made the priority over everything else.

At the end of the day the OP has to make a decision that is practical for the whole family and as long as she has a good relationship with her DSD and handles the room change appropriately, framing it positively, including DSD in the redecorating process etc then I dont see why DSD should be treated any differently to how it would be handled if DD1 needed to move (ie, to just decide the rooms needed swapping for a practical reason and do it)

Bizawit · 26/07/2020 13:10

I dont see why DSD should be treated any differently to how it would be handled if DD1 needed to move (ie, to just decide the rooms needed swapping for a practical reason and do it)

I think this is a perfect example of the lack of empathy/ understanding.

I do agree with a lot of the other points. But I still think OP should have given consideration to her SD’s (potential) feelings in her original post- she did not. She presented the dilemma is : should the older child have the bigger room (because she’s older) or should the babies have the larger room because there are two of them. To me this demonstrates a lack of understanding and concern for the situation her SD is in.

Bizawit · 26/07/2020 13:19

Also You said that her feelings should take priority.

What I meant was, in this situation, given the circumstances OP set out, I think the SD’s feelings should be the priority. (Because the babies won’t notice or care what space they are in). That doesn’t mean that in every situation SD’s feelings should always be the priority over everything else.

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2020 13:56

Oh bog off- poor poor people with so much baby stuff you can’t even put it all in one room . Ridiculous.

Wtf? How rude are you? Absolutely no credibility behind you throwing out arguments about empathy after coming out with stuff like that. There's absolutely nothing ridiculous about pointing out that someone with four kids might not have the space for each kid to not keep the vast majority of their stuff in their bedroom. Especially when it comes to two kids in one inadequately sized room. They wouldn't even need to be particularly poor for this to be the case, you're the one who went there in this weirdly dismissive way.

funinthesun19 · 26/07/2020 14:10

"much better off"?
This shows an astonishing lack of empathy for the insecure feelings of a step-child.
A child whose parents are separated and who has to go between two households is in no way "better off" than their half-sibling who gets to grow up with both their parents in one household.

Oh not this shit again.
This excuse gets fired out for pretty much everything doesn’t it? First children should get everything because their parents are no longer together. It’s so tedious now and not realistic at all. Just smacks of entitlement from some mums who are no longer with their children’s father and they think the world should revolve around their kids. And the people who agree with it are just as ridiculous.

The latest one here is that the two second children should be cramped together in a small space every single day/night because their parents are still together and should just be bloody grateful for that.
The first child deserves that space more, not for practical reasons, just because their parents aren’t together anymore and this must mean they “need” a bigger bedroom Confused But screw the other children who actually need the space.

It’s no wonder so many second marriages end when second children are seen with such little value. The mums of the second children probably get fucking sick of it and think enough is enough.

funinthesun19 · 26/07/2020 14:11

FFS. Bold fail.

You get my gist above ^^

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 26/07/2020 14:20

Move her now.
You would if she wasn’t your step child so treat her like you would any of your children.
Maybe set up a Pinterest board with her and go through so she can pick some ideas. Don’t pander too much though.

My 17 year old has to share with his 11 year old brother and they have to lump it.

Maybe have a subtle look at www.jamesmollison.com/where-children-sleep with her

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