To expect step daughter to move rooms?

[twinnursery]

Long time lurker but first time poster.

DH has a 7yo DD from a previous relationship. She's with us every other week. We have a 2yo DD together and are expecting twin boys. We live in a 4 bedroom house, all 4 are double rooms. Smallest 2 are identical in size. Currently 2yo is in one of the "small" rooms and 7yo is in the larger one, with me and DH in the master. I think 7yo should be in the other "small" one (but as I said, it's not actually that small) and the twins should be in the bigger room since there will be 2 of them, and they'll be living here all the time. DH thinks the twins should have the smaller room since they're younger. Just to avoid drip feeding, twins will be in our room for around 6 months but I want to sort out bedrooms before we have 2 newborns in the house. Also won't be moving any time soon so would rather have a long term solution now.

YANBU - twins should have the bigger room
YABU - twins should have the smaller room

@Jellybeansincognito

Your step daughter will need more space than your twins in the coming years.

I don’t think you should turf a child out of their bedroom just because you’ve chosen to have more children.

A) SD is not there full time so will be fine in a 'not really small, smaller room' B) in non blended families, siblings have to move around (or turfed out as you so choose to see it) to accommodate new arrivals. Why should blended siblings be any different? C) as they grow, the twins will OBVIOUSLY need a bigger room than one part time person. It is a no brainer. D) the OTHER child is in a smaller room so why is SD so much more important that even though she is only there part-time,she needs a bigger one?

It seems to me that you feel that SD deserves the biggest room simply because she is the SD and should be treated better than and above the other siblings . You seem to have a chip on your shoulder.

Defo move her but make up the room and sooner than later. When we had our daughter we moved our son out of the big room into the tiny third bedroom as we could put him in a high bed quicker so still room for toys/ storage etc. He doesnt care at all he has the smallest room as he got it decorated and a new bed.

At the end of the day, it's the adults and owners (or renters) of the property that make the decisions regardless of whether children are step children or not. There is no need to pander here, the child is loved and cared for and needs to move as that is what suits the parents. The youngest children need the rooms closest to their parents, multiple children need more space than single ones do. If they need to share or swap or whatever, then all children should be treated the same regardless of whether they are step or not - that means they are being treated the same as non step children would and this is a good thing.

No-one is asking the child to move to the cupboard under the stairs.

From the sounds of it, it's because her father can't be bothered rather than anything else. If he had the energy to father 4 DC then he has the energy to paint walls and shift furniture.

I’d wait until the twins are old enough to care tbh

In any event, I think an offer to do it up exactly as she wants is a good idea.

Just don’t at any point starting thinking “oh the boys are here all the time, they should have a room each” and expect her to bunk in with your dd when she comes as that would be really unfair.

I had two step kids (oldest and in biggest rooms) then DD and finally surprise twin boys who shared the smallest room until they were 13. By then, stepson had moved out and we carefully negotiated the twins having his old room

How did your twins feel to be treated as inferior to their step siblings to the point where a large bedroom sat empty while they shared a small room until you "negotiated" for them to move into it all because it was DSSs even after he moved out as an adult?

In my family any children who share get the bigger rooms, and single children get smaller rooms. My aunt has 4 kids, two older boys (a 6yr gap between them) and boy/girl twins 3yrs younger than DS2 and a 3 bed house with 2 big doubles and one smaller one.

When the twins were born they got the bigger room as their furniture fit better due to the room dimensions and the other two went in bunk beds in the smaller room. Once the twins got a bit older the boys all moved into the bigger room and their sister moved into the smaller room because, while it was more hassle moving 3 children and redecorating both rooms, it was just logical to have the 3 boys share the larger room and give their sister the smaller one rather than have the three boys in the smaller room and leave their sister in the big room alone.

@TrustTheGeneGenie
It worked for our family and all my kids (step or otherwise) have strong bonds and will be a support to each other for the rest of their lives.
No - my twins did not mind when they were little but they are now (aged 14) very happy to have their own space.
I am just sharing my personal experience and what worked well for us 😊

@melj1213
They really didn’t mind, but then they adore their step brother (who came home very often)
It worked for us.
I guess every family is different...

Her being a step daughter is irrelevant. She is a single sex child and should be in a smaller room. I had the biggest room until my second brother was born then they got the biggest room and I had to move to the smaller room.

[quote atta2006]@TrustTheGeneGenie
It worked for our family and all my kids (step or otherwise) have strong bonds and will be a support to each other for the rest of their lives.
No - my twins did not mind when they were little but they are now (aged 14) very happy to have their own space.
I am just sharing my personal experience and what worked well for us 😊[/quote]
That's great but many children would be hurt by always being put last.

I was going to say that SDD will need to move, but I actually wouldn't do it yet. The twins won't be spending much time in their room for at least 2-3 years, and you don't want the SDD to feel pushed out by her new siblings.

Involve her in the decision and make it feel like her decision to move.

My Ex asked if my 2 would move from their room ( not large) when baby due, they said they preferred to stay even cramped. Ex and his DP agreed and said relook when baby older. Then between visits moved My DCS stuff out, installed the baby stuff and my 2 slept in what was effectively the laundry room with one bed to share.

Done sensitively it should be fine and is logical, done as above then I pity you the reaction!

Maybe dh is more concerned about what it actually symbolises- the oldest- the big room etc? Maybe take her to buy some new bedding lampshade and scatter cushions etc to make her a ‘more grown up’ room And get her excited about the move- she’ll be so taken by the twin babies when they arrive it just won’t matter to her- as much as it does to you. Also like you say- she’s every other week x

Of course YABU. Your stepdaughter has her room already. She will feel hugely pushed out to be made to go to the smaller bedroom!!

She will feel hugely pushed out to be made to go to the smaller bedroom!!

So the twins should be crammed into a smaller room for fear of upsetting the DSD?

A smaller double is more than enough space for one preteen, whereas it will be cramped for two.

It is about practicality and logistics - the bigger room is needed for there to be enough room for the twins and all their stuff, as well as being closer to the OPs room. The DSD is hardly being shoved in a box room, just a room suitable for one person.

Regardless of whether she is there half the time or full time. If you had 2 kids and were expecting to jump to 4 and had 1 bigger room room and 2 smaller it would make complete sense for the bigger room to be used by 2 children. Whether that's the twins or the 2 girls doesn't make much difference but practically the twins sharing will be a lot easier. Why would anyone cramp 2 kids into a smaller room than 1 on their own?

@melj1213

She will feel hugely pushed out to be made to go to the smaller bedroom!!

So the twins should be crammed into a smaller room for fear of upsetting the DSD?

A smaller double is more than enough space for one preteen, whereas it will be cramped for two.

It is about practicality and logistics - the bigger room is needed for there to be enough room for the twins and all their stuff, as well as being closer to the OPs room. The DSD is hardly being shoved in a box room, just a room suitable for one person.

It won't matter to the twins for at least a year. By that time, the SDD will be more settled and secure. I wouldn't push the issue right now, especially as OP plans to keep them in her room for 6 months anyway.

She will feel hugely pushed out to be made to go to the smaller bedroom!!

Apart from the fact that you are projecting and have no idea how she will feel, I'd spend more time making sure that she doesn't tie up her self worth into the size and location of her bedroom. This is a practical decision being made for nothing but practical reasons and the bedroom is still a double not a box room. She might also be glad to have the room further away from her dad and step mum soon. It'll give her more privacy, being the eldest.

I wouldn't push the issue right now, especially as OP plans to keep them in her room for 6 months anyway.

I think the point is that with 2 children in the house and one of those only part time, they have the time to do it now whereas with 6 month twins, a 2/3 year old and SDD they might struggle to make the move and redecorate etc.

Yanbu. The twins need the bigger room because there are two of them and one of your stepdaughter. It’s the most logical thing to do especially because she’s not there everyday whereas they are.

Of course YABU. Your stepdaughter has her room already. She will feel hugely pushed out to be made to go to the smaller bedroom!!

Yawn.

What about common sense?

It really IS relevant that she is a step-daughter, because she has already been through her parents splitting and that upheaval. Her security has been shaken.

But the fact is, if you present it to her as a decision you have already taken as adults,and her parents, she'll probably accept it as fine, especially when you involve her in choosing decor for her new room - which will be why you are telling her so early, of course - so she can make it to her taste.

@WaxOnFeckOff

I wouldn't push the issue right now, especially as OP plans to keep them in her room for 6 months anyway.

I think the point is that with 2 children in the house and one of those only part time, they have the time to do it now whereas with 6 month twins, a 2/3 year old and SDD they might struggle to make the move and redecorate etc.

That's true- I read the other Childs age as 12, not 2! 3 under 3 and redecorating etc sounds like a real nightmare.

I see both sides of this.nit would perhaps be nice to take sd out and help her choose some new stuff for her new bedroom to make it more exciting. I have no idea of the size difference but my dad who is 7 wouldn't notice if the room was just a bit smaller and all her stuff still fitted.

You are right to go for this now OP.. get her settled in her own space.. make it exciting.. get her involved in the design.!

A lot easier to move a 7 yr old than a 9 yr old !!

It really IS relevant that she is a step-daughter, because she has already been through her parents splitting and that upheaval. Her security has been shaken.

Sounds like her parents split up years ago if she already has a 2 year old half sister and twins on the way. She must have been very young and more than enough time for her to feel secure in her new reality.

I really don't think it's a good thing that people measure worth by bedroom space or pander to DC of any age or parentage. Space should be allocated by need and practicality. It would have maybe felt awkward allocating out the other smaller double to SDD in the first place as it would have meant that there was a bedroom between her and the rest of the family, that's not going to be the case now and it makes more sense for her to be the furthest room away as she is the eldest. She'd possibly enjoy helping out to redo her current room as a nursery for the boys.