To expect step daughter to move rooms?

[twinnursery]

Long time lurker but first time poster.

DH has a 7yo DD from a previous relationship. She's with us every other week. We have a 2yo DD together and are expecting twin boys. We live in a 4 bedroom house, all 4 are double rooms. Smallest 2 are identical in size. Currently 2yo is in one of the "small" rooms and 7yo is in the larger one, with me and DH in the master. I think 7yo should be in the other "small" one (but as I said, it's not actually that small) and the twins should be in the bigger room since there will be 2 of them, and they'll be living here all the time. DH thinks the twins should have the smaller room since they're younger. Just to avoid drip feeding, twins will be in our room for around 6 months but I want to sort out bedrooms before we have 2 newborns in the house. Also won't be moving any time soon so would rather have a long term solution now.

YANBU - twins should have the bigger room
YABU - twins should have the smaller room

agree with everyone else, sensible option is to make the move now. explain that two children will need to share a room so you both have decided that the girls should have their own rooms each, all nicely decorated and the boys will sadly have to share. it will mean her swapping rooms but lets pick some lovely colours and new furniture and make it especially for her.

then get the nursery ready before the babies are born, whether they move in or not, its a done deal.

I know you say all the rooms are doubles but how much bigger is the "bigger" room? If it's a minimal amount then I'd leave DSD but if it is significantly bigger then I'd look at the practicality of the rooms.

Have you measured up the smaller room to see if it is even possible to fit twins in there? When my aunt had twins they had to switch her older boys bedroom with the nursery because while they were both doubles of roughly the same size, both rooms had fireplaces (old Victorian house) but in the older boys room it was centred so you could fit beds/cots either side whereas the other room it was off centre so you couldn't fit two cots in (and due to room layout and windows/door placement there was nowhere else to put them) and the older two had bunk beds so it was just easier to swap the rooms to make them fit.

When you account for two cots, a changing table, clothes storage, toy storage, possibly a nursing chair for night feeds, room to play on the floor and having room to open the door and move around the room freely, the smaller room may not be big enough and then it's not a topic of opinion but of practicality.

Either way if you swap then you need to make your DD excited about it - let her decide how to decorate her new room, have new furniture etc (obviously depending on budget) to make her feel like she is getting a brilliant new room of her choosing rather than she's just being kicked out of her bedroom for the new babies.

If she was your dd you would simply announce rooms were being changed round..
So do this.

@Wtfdoipick

realistically the space isn't going to make a difference for a few years, I don't know anyone who leaves toddlers playing in their own room so it's only going to be an issue in a few years. I would leave it for now

I honestly don't know anyone who doesn't! Unless they have a specifically designed playroom, but even so, kids still have their bedroom to play.

How else do you start teaching them to respect other rooms in the house, and more importantly where do you store all their stuff? The younger the child, the bigger the toys!

TELL her she is moving rooms, but let her decorate it how she wants.
The twins will always be sharing, it seems unfair that they will have a smaller space. They will never have the privacy the other 2 get.

I think it’s a good plan eventually for her to move to a smaller room, and to get her involved in designing/decorating. If she is keen, then great.

However if she isn’t keen, it’s difficult to get her to understand why she should move now, because it’s easier for you, when the room will then sit empty for 6 months+.

My twins are 5 now but we put them in the bigger room, and moved dd into the smaller one, when they were born. It was previously her room, but it just didn’t make sense that she had a huge room and they were squashed into a smaller one. Twin ‘stuff’ adds up and takes up loads of space. 2 cots, 2 bedside tables, 2 bumbo seats, 2 rockers etc. It’s a lot! You will need a bigger room just to store all their stuff.

Definitely move her into the smaller room, especially as she isn’t there full time.

Why are people making comments about "telling" the child she is moving - it's not the child who is objecting, it's the OP's DH. Who surely has equal say on their house?

They will need the larger room eventually but not for a couple of years yet when they need beds.

Having twins is a big deal for everyone. The babies are going to absorb a huge amount of parental time and attention that previously belonged to D and SD and the girls will need time to adjust to that. So I'd shelve the bedroom question for the foreseeable

By the time the twins need beds and more space, DH will have grasped why they need the larger room, and for DSD you can use the bribe of "You Big Girls are both going to have a new room, redecorated just the way you want it".

Start saving now....

Of course the twins should have the bigger room.

Let DSD choose how her new bedroom is to be, though.

I can totally see why you are thinking ahead like this and want to get it sorted from the start. Do it now before the twins are here.

It's so weird watching the replies as the thread a few weeks ago got the exact opposite response

Threads like this always make me glad I was never a step kid.

Perhaps give her the choice - if you have the money to give her a chance to redecorate a smaller room. But if she'd prefer to stay where she is, then it really won't make a difference at the moment. She'll be 7, possibly 8 years older than them when they come along, so by the time they're old enough to need more space, she might want to make the move then.
Having new siblings is a difficult time for older children at the best of times, so I'd prioritise her needs over those of the twins, who won't know any better for several years.

YANBU.

Your DSD will still have her own room kept for the weekends she's with you and a double at that. Not like she needs to move to a box room or share with your toddler DD.

Like pp I say you need the extra space for the twins stuff (2x everything) from the get go plus it could be important to have that quiet space sorted to take them to feed, change them, sleep while your DH sorts the girls. Obviously the two boys should have the extra space to share as they get older. As you say now's the time to be decorating and moving furniture, that's not going to happen for some time if you wait.

7 is a better age to move her than reaching pre teens. Your DH ought to get cracking choosing some paint with her and making the new room feel like hers.

Yanbu. The 2 sharing a room should have the bigger room. If the smaller room is still a double I imagine it’s still a good size. I’m sure if you let her pick her own paint/wallpaper and some nice room accessories she will get on board with changing rooms.

I can understand this is difficult for both you and DSD, but it’s much better and easier to get this settled now than later. Reasons being, it will be more difficult to be swapping rooms and decorating etc once the twins are born, whether that be when the are 5/6 months or when they are 2/3. It will also be harder asking DSD to give up her space the older that she gets. So I would expect and be prepared for a big fuss if I was making any 9/10 year old move to a smaller room.

If you do this now or before twins are born it will be much easier to sell DSD the idea of moving rooms and getting her excited at decorating and picking her own things etc. You could also choose to reward her by offering her a treat of some kind for moving rooms, so a day out of a toy she’s been wanting or something like that.

On the whole the sooner you do this the better for everyone it will be.

YANBU, and it will be easier to move her now instead of when she's older. Agree with others, make it exciting for her, let her pick out the colours and some new bits and pieces to decorate

I say move her now.

Babies may not have a lot of 'stuff' according to some, but they will soon enough. They will need 2 beds, 2 lots of storage, etc, whereas SD will only have 1 lot of everything. And SD will likely be more dug in to keeping the bigger room as she gets older. Do it now.

I don't think it's anything to do with the fact DD is a step child. It's just common sense that 2 children who have to share should get the bigger space.

It's a really tricky one. You don't want dsd to feel pushed out. I don't think it's a massive issue having twins in "smaller" room, as for quite a number of years they won't really be in their room, bar to sleep, but maybe ask dsd. "Do you want to stay in your room, or we can decorate the other room and you can go into that one", she might enjoy idea of decorating a new room.

Yes it makes complete sense, completely outside the step thing, 2 children need the larger room than 1.

@MaryShelley1818

I don't think it's anything to do with the fact DD is a step child. It's just common sense that 2 children who have to share should get the bigger space.

Exactly, the fact she is a step child plays very little part in the decision. If she was the OPs biological child she would also be asking her to swap rooms.

The step child part is only relevant because her father doesn't want to make her move rooms and because the OP isn't her mother she cannot just plow ahead and make the decision herself.

In the long term, it makes sense for the twins to have the largest room but not for a few years. Your DSD is at an age where children need space. She's old enough to play in her room alone or with friends, have sleepovers, start to do schoolwork unsupervised, want a quiet place to read, and want privacy from the younger children. She will probably use her bedroom more than anyone else in the house for the next 3 or 4 years. When she grows out of playing with things like dolls and lego, she'll need less space to play, so it's a good time to move her into a smaller, more "grown up" room.

The twins will just be sleeping in their room for a good few years and using it to store stuff. Two cots/toddler beds don't take up much more space than a single bed, baby clothes don't need much storage room and until they are old enough to have their own possessions, they will share baby toys. The time to swap rooms is when they need full size beds or start to play in their room unsupervised.

Exactly, the fact she is a step child plays very little part in the decision. If she was the OPs biological child she would also be asking her to swap rooms.

If she was the OP's biological child and lived there full time there wouldn't be the issues with feeling pushed out that a step-child can often feel so the fact she's a step child is relevant

A double bedroom is plenty big enough for baby twins