To expect step daughter to move rooms?

[twinnursery]

Long time lurker but first time poster.

DH has a 7yo DD from a previous relationship. She's with us every other week. We have a 2yo DD together and are expecting twin boys. We live in a 4 bedroom house, all 4 are double rooms. Smallest 2 are identical in size. Currently 2yo is in one of the "small" rooms and 7yo is in the larger one, with me and DH in the master. I think 7yo should be in the other "small" one (but as I said, it's not actually that small) and the twins should be in the bigger room since there will be 2 of them, and they'll be living here all the time. DH thinks the twins should have the smaller room since they're younger. Just to avoid drip feeding, twins will be in our room for around 6 months but I want to sort out bedrooms before we have 2 newborns in the house. Also won't be moving any time soon so would rather have a long term solution now.

YANBU - twins should have the bigger room
YABU - twins should have the smaller room

Sorry for taking so long to reply, life with a 2 year old haha.
In terms of how close the bedrooms are to us, DD's bedroom is closest, then DSD's current bedroom, and the room she'll be moving to is furthest away. (Moving DD isn't practical as she often wakes up at night too). As for how much bigger the big room is, it's big enough to fit 2 desks, either 1 big wardrobe or 2 smaller ones, 2 single beds and a play area. Smaller room would only fit 1 wardrobe and 1 desk, also wouldn't really have enough room to store large toys (we don't have a designated playroom so a lot of toys are stored in bedrooms). Basically, it would technically work if we absolutely had to, but once they need full sized beds it'd be ridiculously cramped.
Also, I'm not sure if it was clear in my OP, but we haven't actually mentioned it to DSD yet. She's at her mum's right now, I was thinking we'd tell her either when she gets here this evening or tomorrow morning. I think DH is mostly reluctant because he doesn't want to take her shopping, lol. I'll suggest making it into a bedroom makeover type thing instead of saying she's moving to make room for her brothers.

the 7 yr old is likely, especially as she gets older, to use the room more than any of the younger children.

I've seen this sentiment a few times on this thread and I totally disagree. Smaller children tend to have bigger toys and toys that require more floor space (train sets, tracks, dolls houses, farms etc) to play with. When you have twins,the space needed for two children to play together increases.

My 11yr old DD rarely uses her room to play. She has a small double room. She has a single bed (trundle underneath let's her have friends over), a fold down desk, wardrobe and kallax unit in her room which gives her plenty of room to play. If friends come over then they tend to do make overs or play a board game/puzzle or play video games - all of which require much less floor space than smaller children.

Why is it that in a couple of years the OPs now 9yo DSD will need the larger space to play, but the toddlers, who will be getting to the age of playing independently in their room, will not?

OP with that update, it is no longer a case of preference but one of practicality that the twins will not fit in the smaller room.

There is no way you would be able to get twin furniture - two cots, changing table, clothes storage and toy storage, nursing chair etc for two children into the smaller room and so they need the larger room.

As long as it is made a positive experience for your DSD that she gets a new room that she can decorate and choose for herself then I don't see how anyone can take issue with it.

If SD was OP's biological daughter, I suspect she'd still want to move her to a smaller room. It only makes sense that twins get the largest room (especially since all the rooms are of a good size). I agree that it's wise to rearrange now, because it won't be any easier to do later. Your husband is being unreasonable and simply putting off the inevitable.

SD will be on equal footing with her younger sister. Perfectly fair. If she gets the fun of a newly decorated room, I doubt she'll be bothered, but if she is, you can explain it to her logically-- and then she can either like it or lump it, as they say.

@melj1213

OP with that update, it is no longer a case of preference but one of practicality that the twins will not fit in the smaller room.

There is no way you would be able to get twin furniture - two cots, changing table, clothes storage and toy storage, nursing chair etc for two children into the smaller room and so they need the larger room.

As long as it is made a positive experience for your DSD that she gets a new room that she can decorate and choose for herself then I don't see how anyone can take issue with it.

With this update, I now agree. Plus the room in contention is the furthest away.

YANBU as your SD will still have a double room I think that’s fair enough. It’s not like she’s being moved into a box room. The bigger room for the twins will make sense in the king run.

You could sweeten the deal by asking her to choose a paint colour etc. but at that age will she even realise it’s a little bit smaller?

OK I'd def sell it as her being such a big girl so she gets the cool room further away and he def has to take her shopping

What about a cabin bed so she can have her desk under the bed and so still have room to play on the floor?

@WaxOnFeckOff

Gosh, I'm youngest of 7, imagine if my eldest brother was never to be inconvenienced because my parents had younger DC. Was he to sit as lord of the manor while the rest of us piled into another room together or should my parents have bought progressively bigger houses so we all had a room each?

I think the MN logic is 1 room for child, eldest gets first pick and so on down the line. Children must not share except twins when it's fine.

MN logic is 1 room for child, eldest gets first pick and so on down the line. Children must not share except twins when it's fine.

Dont forget that stepchildren must under no circumstances ever be asked to swap rooms for any reason ever.

Dont forget that stepchildren must under no circumstances ever be asked to swap rooms for any reason ever.

Or share.

I think the MN logic is 1 room for child, eldest gets first pick and so on down the line. Children must not share except twins when it's fine.

All 9 of us lived in a 2 bed flat until I was 1 and then we moved to a 4 bed (1 bedroom downstairs). In flat, there was 4 boys in one room and 3 girls in the other and M&D slept in the livingroom. When we moved the eldest 2 (boys) were downstairs and then we had various splits over the years depending on age/sex and who wanted to be with who. Can't think any of us thought anything when we'd come come from school and DM had shuffled everyone around which she did frequently.

I can also remember my dad coming off a night shift, mum away to work and trying to work out where he was meant to sleep.

Why is it that in a couple of years the OPs now 9yo DSD will need the larger space to play, but the toddlers, who will be getting to the age of playing independently in their room, will not?

That is probably when it is best to swap. The toddler and babies need supervision at the moment so they will be downstairs with OP most of the time. The 7YO will be using her bedroom far more, especially when friends visit and it keeps toys/games with small parts away from the younger children, stops her toys getting broken by the younger ones. The babies don't need all their toys in their bedroom for a few years, big items could be stored in your DSD's room.

My 11yr old DD rarely uses her room to play But 11 is very different from 7. Seven YOs still have big toys like doll's houses and garages, like to make dens and play house. Your DD might want to play in her room more if she had to share the sitting room with 2 babies and a toddler. And you would probably want her to too if you were juggling 3 under 3 downstairs!

That is probably when it is best to swap

Or would make it worse as then DSD has had two extra years to have the room as hers and would definitely feel like her room was being taken away to be given to her siblings. Especially when the OP has updated to say that the small room is impractical for twins and therefore the best time to swap is now.

Seven YOs still have big toys like doll's houses and garages, like to make dens and play house.

All of which is possible in the new room for a single child but not for twins.

Ask her to pick whether to share the big room with her sister, or have the small room on her own.

The verbal acrobatics performed by those who think step children are first in all things has reached peak in this thread.

So funny.

Don't 50% of marriages end in divorce nowadays?
That's an awful lot of step children getting first pick of their part time bedrooms

This thread is bonkers.

On a practical thought,the twins eventually having a bigger room might make sense BUT there are the feelings of a little girl who probably feels a bit out of things as it is and to take away her room at this point could be really unsettling for her.
I would leave things as they are and ensure that she still knows she is a big part of your lives.

YANBU.

As you say, there will be 2 children in one room therefore they will require the bigger room.

Also, if DSD is only there every other week why would she require a bigger room anyway?

The best thing to do is explain the semantics but get her full input on how she would like her new room decorated.

If DH pulls the "you're penalising her because she's a step child" card just tell him you're not prepared to tolerate emotional blackmail and the only person treating her differently is him and he needs to pack it in for all your sakes or he will create a "them and us" dynamic that once set is almost impossible to undo.

I would leave things as they are and ensure that she still knows she is a big part of your lives.

DSD can still know she is a big part of the OPs family life from the comfort of the smaller double bedroom she uses part time, freeing up the larger room for her twin brothers to share full time.

As a step parent myself, I strongly advise involving step daughter in decision. If she is excited about new room and perhaps has a hand in colour scheme etc then that’s fine. If she feels displaced then it’s not worth it. I had two step kids (oldest and in biggest rooms) then DD and finally surprise twin boys who shared the smallest room until they were 13. By then, stepson had moved out and we carefully negotiated the twins having his old room. He was an adult by this time but still took months to think it over and agree. Being a step child is hard and extra care is needed in my view....

If all the bedrooms are quite big and she has been given that room in the first place, then why upset the little girl over a room swap? Does it really matter that much to you? The twins are on the way, but they are not actually here yet. The twins won't need that much space to run around in their bedroom, (I'm assuming they could run around in other parts of the house), on the day of birth. It will take them around 1 year or so before they do. I dont think your twins will feel deprived, maybe your step daughter might though, she doesnt live with her father,she only comes over at the weekend and now the step mother wants her out of her room into another one to cater for her twins who are not even born yet. Put yourself in the poor little girls shoes. I can totally understand your husband, his daughter is his flesh and blood so he doesnt want to do that to her.

I am so glad none of my children were step children and that I didn’t have any
Sounds like a minfield

@atta2006

As a step parent myself, I strongly advise involving step daughter in decision. If she is excited about new room and perhaps has a hand in colour scheme etc then that’s fine. If she feels displaced then it’s not worth it. I had two step kids (oldest and in biggest rooms) then DD and finally surprise twin boys who shared the smallest room until they were 13. By then, stepson had moved out and we carefully negotiated the twins having his old room. He was an adult by this time but still took months to think it over and agree. Being a step child is hard and extra care is needed in my view....

And yet your own children weren't bothered that their brother who didn't even live there got continuous preference over them?

Too much pandering isn't good for anyone.

They’re babies, they’ll have no sense of or use for the space until they’re at least 3 or 4. She can move then. It’ll be easier negotiating with an 11 year old than a 7 year old

Can you give the measurements? I think if it’s a 6x6 foot room compared to a 10x10 that’s very different to a 9x9 vs. 10x10. Former I would negotiate a move, but down the line; latter I would leave.