To expect step daughter to move rooms?

[twinnursery]

Long time lurker but first time poster.

DH has a 7yo DD from a previous relationship. She's with us every other week. We have a 2yo DD together and are expecting twin boys. We live in a 4 bedroom house, all 4 are double rooms. Smallest 2 are identical in size. Currently 2yo is in one of the "small" rooms and 7yo is in the larger one, with me and DH in the master. I think 7yo should be in the other "small" one (but as I said, it's not actually that small) and the twins should be in the bigger room since there will be 2 of them, and they'll be living here all the time. DH thinks the twins should have the smaller room since they're younger. Just to avoid drip feeding, twins will be in our room for around 6 months but I want to sort out bedrooms before we have 2 newborns in the house. Also won't be moving any time soon so would rather have a long term solution now.

YANBU - twins should have the bigger room
YABU - twins should have the smaller room

Yabu

These are all big bedrooms.

Moving the dd just as the babies arrive when they won’t be in it for at least six months is ridiculous to be frank.

@Bettyboo1957

OP also mentions that the SD’s bedroom is the noticeably the largest (after the master bedroom) and is closest to the master bedroom where OP and her DH sleep. This is the ideal location to put baby twins, rather than going to the furthest bedroom to get to them.

They also need more room than the SD because there’s 2 of them. SD doesn’t have all her stuff at the house because she also lives at her mum’s too. She has 2 rooms.

I’m the eldest child and when I was 7 or 8 when I moved to the smallest room to make way for my brother, who had to share with my other brother. At the time we didn’t have a 4 bed house. I didn’t really mind because my dad made me feel special about choosing my own wallpaper, carpet, bed etc. It’s best to move her before she becomes a tween/teen.

the issue for the step-child isn't about the space. It's about losing her current space, that was given to her

I do get this, but the thing is if OP had posted a year or so ago that they were choosing to put DSD in a smaller room because was saving the bigger one for possible future children, she would have been told she wasn't prioritising her DSD and making her feel like part of the family. People that plan to have more children are well aware that, depending on their living situation, they may have to move things around so that everybody fits or the children may end up having to share, so the only solution really if you are never able to move a DSC once you have "given" them a certain bedroom, is to always give them the smallest room from the start, to be safe. I'm sure that isn't what anyone wants for them, but it is the reality if people are expected to never change a step child's bedroom situation the way the would have to with any other child.

@lyralalala

So if it is good enough for the twins, why is it not good enough for the DSD, who doesnt need the extra space?

Because, as has been pointed out numerous times, the issue for the step-child isn’t about the space. It’s about losing her current space, that was given to her, to the twins at a time when she’s already likely to feel pushed out.

New baby arrival is well known for being an extremely difficult time for non-resident children. The OP’s DSD is about to be hit by twins, which is a bombshell in any house, just 2 years after the last new baby.

So she’s likely to feel unsettled. She’s also likely to have to deal with less attention for a while because twins are hard, especially with a 2 year old in tow. That means she’s probably going to escape to her room a bit. That’s going to be amplified if she’s already feeling pushed out over the room situation.

A double room is plenty of space for baby twins, they’re not being squeezed into a box room.

This.

@aSofaNearYou

the issue for the step-child isn't about the space. It's about losing her current space, that was given to her

I do get this, but the thing is if OP had posted a year or so ago that they were choosing to put DSD in a smaller room because was saving the bigger one for possible future children, she would have been told she wasn't prioritising her DSD and making her feel like part of the family. People that plan to have more children are well aware that, depending on their living situation, they may have to move things around so that everybody fits or the children may end up having to share, so the only solution really if you are never able to move a DSC once you have "given" them a certain bedroom, is to always give them the smallest room from the start, to be safe. I'm sure that isn't what anyone wants for them, but it is the reality if people are expected to never change a step child's bedroom situation the way the would have to with any other child.

No-one has suggested not moving the step-child at some point. It's the timing of the move that needs to be carefully considered.

Doing it right at the point where she is likely to feel pushed out, and different to the children living in the house already, is just asking for trouble.

If thre was no spare room or the spare room was a box room then it would be a risk that had to be taken. It's not essential to do it right now as the twins have a double room to use.

Balancing up the needs of the whole family should include consideration of the impact that 3 siblings in 3 years is going to have on a little girl.

Also, to those saying move her, just not yet, that is a valid POV but there's really no definitive evidence that DSD will find moving easier to digest at the point that the twins "actually need" the room. It's equally likely that she would be more affronted then, when she has been in there a couple more years and the twins are no longer an abstract concept, as currently it may be sellable as less to do with them and more to do with her if that's the best way to soften the blow for her. Or, she may be excited about the babies now and keen to be a "good big sister" as kids often are, whereas in a couple of years they'll just be her annoying younger brothers and she won't want to move for them. She'll have seen them physically "fit" in there but won't have seen the problems, and will quite likely be at the "but why, though" age. Her comprehension level (and probably her ability to take pre-teen offence) will be greater. It could genuinely be worse to wait.

Meanwhile, the adults, who realistically know best and know that who has the largest bedroom is in no way a reflection of who they love most, will be watching the whole family function less well and the two older kids potentially be more affected by the twin's arrival as they are in an inadequately sized bedroom that is furthest away from the master, so the parents are having to traipse around outside the other two kid's bedroom at night, disturbing them, going up and down stairs to fetch nappies etc or whatever it might be that doesn't fit in the twin's room. They could potentially be nightmare sleepers or collicky etc and them being in the furthest room could present a much bigger problem than anticipated resulting in the whole family being disturbed each night.

My point being, the twins don't only need the room when they start to play in it. Only OP knows the set up and how much of a problem space and distance will be, how easily disturbed the other kids are etc, but the whole family may need them to be in there now. Why keep her in there for a couple more years causing all these problems for the whole family, when she might be as much if not more bothered by moving later?

Moving her now or later is a judgement call based on several factors, but it's not as simple as "the twins don't need it now and she will be happier to move later so do it then".

A 9/10/11 year old is much more able to understand moving around, and is actually a good age to have a more "Grown up" bedroom than a 7 year old

By the time the twins are big enough to need their room to be play in she'll know that she's not been abandoned by her Daddy in favour of his new family.

It's all pretty irrelevant any way as the OP clearly isn't coming back!

@lyralalala but that's my point, maybe, but it's all speculation. None of us know this child's nature. I've met plenty of 7 year old's that would happily skip into another bedroom at the mention of unicorn wallpaper or space rocket bed, and plenty of 9 to 11 year old's full of hormones and rage that would be extremely offended and upset by the mention of moving rooms.

It isn't a given that it will be better later.

@aSofaNearYou Of course it's all just opinion, but we do know that non-resident children very often feel pushed out by the arrival of new half siblings. Especially girls. This child is going to have to deal with 3 in 3 years. She's going to have a very busy Dad and step-Mum because they'll have newborn twins and a 2yo to deal with. That is a lot, she is a prime candidate to be one of those children.

The pertinent point in this case is that the twins don't need the room that she is in. A double room is plenty of space. So the choice here isn't one of necessity, it's just a choice on timing.

This is an uncomfortable one, as already said, seems that there will be already quite a lot of changes with a new born let alone twins. She may already be feeling disjointed and to insist that she move, almost comes across like she’s a second, 3rd and in this case 4th thought in your blended family.
She is his eldest child, no one is saying she should be spoilt or over indulged, but to put her in the smallest room..?
I’d have the twins in the larger room, eventually, the next size down for DSD, and the smallest for 2yo DD.
Or as others have suggested, but twins and toddler in the large room, next size down guest, (later given to toddler) and smallest for DSD, but doing it before twins need the space will unsettle her, it seems you’re looking for your own perfect situation for you and your children and your SD isn’t that ideal picture for you.

PS accidentally posted on the wrong thread so copied here correctly. Hopefully MN will remove from the other..

You can do it but just in a cunning way where she feels she has got the better end if the stick. So you are going to redecorate the other (the smaller room), Pitt it’s not hers as then she would be able to decorate it like a big girl to be exactly the room she wants. Bait it enough and she will bite. Then be prepared to spend a shedload on it (and give in when she wants hot pink roof for example). It works.

The pertinent point in this case is the twins don't need the room that she is in. A double room is plenty of space.

Personally I just disagree that this is necessarily the case. Obviously this thread wouldn't be happening if the two smaller rooms weren't notably smaller than the room DSD is currently in, so how big is this house if it had four, genuinely large double rooms? I have seen relatively small rooms described as a double room, as in you'd probably actually put a single bed in there but you could technically fit a double touching both walls. Plenty of room for one child but as others have said, not necessarily for two babies and all of the changing and nursing items that go with them.

Maybe it is the case, and there's plenty of space, but then for one thing OP probably wouldn't have started this thread, and for another there are still other factors like needing to be close to the babies during the night, and the genuine, valid concern that she may be more upset by moving the longer she has to get attached to that room.

@aSofaNearYou

The pertinent point in this case is the twins don't need the room that she is in. A double room is plenty of space.

Personally I just disagree that this is necessarily the case. Obviously this thread wouldn't be happening if the two smaller rooms weren't notably smaller than the room DSD is currently in, so how big is this house if it had four, genuinely large double rooms? I have seen relatively small rooms described as a double room, as in you'd probably actually put a single bed in there but you could technically fit a double touching both walls. Plenty of room for one child but as others have said, not necessarily for two babies and all of the changing and nursing items that go with them.

Maybe it is the case, and there's plenty of space, but then for one thing OP probably wouldn't have started this thread, and for another there are still other factors like needing to be close to the babies during the night, and the genuine, valid concern that she may be more upset by moving the longer she has to get attached to that room.

It's quite funny that you judge other people's replies as being speculation, but now you've decided how big the room is.

The OP described the rooms earlier in the thread and it's plenty big enough. The over dramatic nonsense from some people about how much space baby twins needs shows they've never had twins. The room she described is more than big enough. It's just going roung in circles now - people either think move now or move later. Each to their own.

Like I say, it's irrelevant anyway as the OP clearly only posted so people would agree that her DH was in the wrong for having an opinion. It was quite telling how many people jumped on the child when the child doesn't even know that moving room is even an issue at the moment.

It has been quite illuminating though. Some posts on the thread have shown exactly why there are so many "DH's kids don't visit any more and he's gutted" threads.

Or as others have suggested, but twins and toddler in the large room, next size down guest, (later given to toddler) and smallest for DSD, but doing it before twins need the space will unsettle her, it seems you’re looking for your own perfect situation for you and your children and your SD isn’t that ideal picture for you.

You would move the 2 YO DD who is in the correct, convenient room, in with two twin babies, who will probably completely upend her sleep, and the DSD in her own room? What's the advantage of the 2YO also moving when there is no issue with the room she is in? It sounds like you're just looking for what's the perfect situation for DSD and come to the conclusion that that's putting the other children in their place.

She also said that the smallest two are identical in size so the idea of moving the 2YO to the "smallest" room at the same time so the 7YO old doesn't have to be in the smallest room is unnecessary

No point in moving her now, they won't be in the room for ages.

I would leave it until they are toddlers, then start to decorate their smaller room and - crucially - put bunk beds in and talk about choosing colours.

Let the move into the room with bunk beds be a "win" for her. She won't twig the twins were too small for bunk beds and she will get the top bunk and the lower one to play on and move rooms and be delighted.

It's quite funny that you judge other people's replies as being speculation, but now you've decided how big the room is.

I'm not judging anyone for speculating, I was just pointing out that people saying she WILL cope with it better in a couple of years are assuming and cannot know that is definitely the case. It would be far better to consider IF she is the kind of child who would cope better that way, because it is quite likely to go either way.

The OP described the rooms earlier in the thread and it's plenty big enough. The over dramatic nonsense from some people about how much space baby twins needs shows they've never had twins. The room she described is more than big enough. It's just going roung in circles now - people either think move now or move later. Each to their own.

I read the same thread and took away something very difficult - OP said they could technically just about make it work now but would need to store their stuff elsewhere which they rely on not doing. I'm not speculating, her description made it sound like it wouldn't really work and definitely wouldn't work long term.

The OP described the rooms earlier in the thread and it's plenty big enough. The over dramatic nonsense from some people about how much space baby twins needs shows they've never had twins. The room she described is more than big enough.

Have you had twins?

I haven't but my aunt and uncle have, as has one of my best friends, and I have seen how much space twins take up compared to one child.

Equally, the OP has 4 children to fit into this house, so having the twins in the one room where all of the twins stuff can be stored is more beneficial than putting them in a room where there is no space to store anything except the essentials.

Perhaps the compromise will have to be that the twins go in the smaller room and all the stuff that doesnt fit then has to be stored in DSDs room since she has so much unused bedroom space.

@melj1213

The OP described the rooms earlier in the thread and it's plenty big enough. The over dramatic nonsense from some people about how much space baby twins needs shows they've never had twins. The room she described is more than big enough.

Have you had twins?

I haven't but my aunt and uncle have, as has one of my best friends, and I have seen how much space twins take up compared to one child.

Equally, the OP has 4 children to fit into this house, so having the twins in the one room where all of the twins stuff can be stored is more beneficial than putting them in a room where there is no space to store anything except the essentials.

Perhaps the compromise will have to be that the twins go in the smaller room and all the stuff that doesnt fit then has to be stored in DSDs room since she has so much unused bedroom space.

Yes I have.

Totally agree she spends less time in the house. Tell him you are giving him two options. Either she shares the room with your dd and the twins each have a small room or the girls each have a smaller room and the boys the bigger one. They will have 2 of everything in their room. Two beds two lots of storage two lots of toys. She's not there most of the time so doesn't need it. She can either share it meaning all your children have their own room when she is not staying or she can switch.

Just thought I'd come on and update everyone. DH agreed that she should move as long as I'm in charge of decorating (), so we all went shopping this morning to buy paint, furniture etc.
We phrased it as her getting a new room because she's such a good big sister, she was ok with it which is a bonus. Thanks for giving your thoughts for those of you who did.

When they're babies it doesn't really matter, but when they are in proper beds it will so it does make sense for the twins to have the bigger room and the 2 girls to have the smaller rooms. I'm not sure why your dh would think it didn't.

Just thought I'd come on and update everyone. DH agreed that she should move as long as I'm in charge of decorating (hmm)

He's leaving the decorating to his pregnant wife who is carrying twins... He sounds dleightful. surely it would be more enjoyable for DSD if her dad helped sort out her new room? It could be a lovemy way for them to spend time together before the babies arrive.

Your DH should be doing the heavy lifting to decorate his daughter's new room, not leaving it all to his wife who is very pregnant with twins and presumably also watching the toddler.

@TinySleepThief

Just thought I'd come on and update everyone. DH agreed that she should move as long as I'm in charge of decorating (hmm)

He's leaving the decorating to his pregnant wife who is carrying twins... He sounds dleightful. surely it would be more enjoyable for DSD if her dad helped sort out her new room? It could be a lovemy way for them to spend time together before the babies arrive.

I know right?

Glad your DSD is happy anyway OP but your DH has a cheek