To expect step daughter to move rooms?

[twinnursery]

Long time lurker but first time poster.

DH has a 7yo DD from a previous relationship. She's with us every other week. We have a 2yo DD together and are expecting twin boys. We live in a 4 bedroom house, all 4 are double rooms. Smallest 2 are identical in size. Currently 2yo is in one of the "small" rooms and 7yo is in the larger one, with me and DH in the master. I think 7yo should be in the other "small" one (but as I said, it's not actually that small) and the twins should be in the bigger room since there will be 2 of them, and they'll be living here all the time. DH thinks the twins should have the smaller room since they're younger. Just to avoid drip feeding, twins will be in our room for around 6 months but I want to sort out bedrooms before we have 2 newborns in the house. Also won't be moving any time soon so would rather have a long term solution now.

YANBU - twins should have the bigger room
YABU - twins should have the smaller room

@WaxOnFeckOff that has really tickled me 😂

@MrMeeseekscando

TELL her she is moving rooms, but let her decorate it how she wants. The twins will always be sharing, it seems unfair that they will have a smaller space. They will never have the privacy the other 2 get.

Where in the OP does the she say the 7 year old is objecting? She doesn’t need to TELL her anything. She needs to TELL her dh that it just makes sense and will decorate the room to the child’s taste.

I seems some people go to war with children that are not their own so easily

Eventually your twins will also need the option of their own rooms - they will have their own needs for privacy and space as they grow up so you ought to factor that into your long term plans.

@Ribrabrob

Threads like this always make me glad I was never a step kid.

But it's not about step kid/non step kid? Surely it's that 1 person = slightly smaller room, 2 people = bigger room. To assign any other meaning to it seems weird to me

To me it's not the 'step' it's the 2 vs 1. It makes sense for 2 of them to be in larger room.

I would suggest letting her decide decor and a trip to IKEA as a PP said.

Let's not forget OPs other DD is also in a small room and always has been. This is very clearly not a step issue.

I'm not sure if unreasonableness is really the best metric here. Not YANBU from a practical perspective, but DSD probably isn't upset about square footage here. Rather I imagine she's feeling anxious about new siblings and maybe associates moving rooms for them with being pushed out by them. It seems to me she would maybe benefit from an empathetic discussion about how she feels about the new siblings etc.

If SD doesn't want to move from bigger room and you think bugger room should be the one shared (which I agree with)

Could DSD and DD sage biggest room and the twins have separate smaller rooms?

The suggestions here are really sensible: instead of presenting it as a downgrade, turn it into a treat for your SD and spend some money doing up her new room just as she wants it! If she gets to choose all her things, it will be a huge sweetener.

I had a similar problem in that my eldest DD had the biggest room, DS1 had the small room. DS2 was born, he stayed in mine and DH's room until he was 2 yrs old but then we couldn't put it off anymore, it made sense for the 2 DS's to share but DD was dead against changing rooms.

It was simply put that there are not enough rooms to have one each... the biggest room must have 2 children, if she wishes to stay in the big room then she will have to share with her brother, if she wants her own room then she will have to move to the smaller room. She chose to share the bigger room.

DD1 and DS1 were in the biggest room, DS2 in the small room. After about 6 months, DD1 decided she would move to the smaller room to have her own space. DS2 was to little to notice or care.

All worked out pretty well in the end.

@Chewbecca

YANBU

But never say it is because she isn’t there all the time.

It’s because there are two of them & they will need to share. Lucky her to have her very own room.

Totally agree with this.

Never let a stepchild hear you say anything that makes them feel lesser than a child who is a full time occupant of the household.
They/society will make them feel like this at times, we need to do our best not to add to that (this doesn’t mean life stops for the rest of the household when they aren’t there though - just means giving everything a bit of consideration).

Anyway, being a step child is neither here nor there in the practical element of this quandary. She is a single child, your other daughter is a single child, the new babies are twins. You’d want the twins in the bigger room even if DsD was your natal child, and if it were the other daughter currently in the bigger room, you’d be swapping her out too. If the current pregnancy was a singleton, you wouldn’t be moving DsD at all and bedrooms would be allocated on the first come first served basis that operates in most families, whether they be blended ones or not (age in most families, but first child in that particular property in blended ones).

So safe in the knowledge your decision isn’t being made due to the step/natal dynamic or the fact that one child has a bedroom elsewhere, you just need to communicate the move to both DH and DsD in a manner that leaves no room for misinterpretation. This is all practicality -no favouritism.
Some of the way to communicate that will involve throwing some money at the problem (redecoration) but make sure it’s not just money you input - give DsD as much time and attention and input as is practically possible (whilst setting some practical ground rules so you don’t end up with a swan shaped princess bed/racing car bed that she only fits in for one more year. You set the budget/practicality boundaries and DsD gets to make the fun decisions).

I understand pp’s instincts got say it’s not necessary yet and to leave it til the twins are older but I honestly think it will be worse later on, both practically (4 kids!) and emotionally - both girls will feel some conflicted emotions when twin boys turn up anyway - if the rooms are sorted already you will be able to use the little free time you have attending to those emotions and making the girls feel as safe, secure loved as possible, by all parents/parental figures in their lives.

It makes sense to move DSD now before the babies arrive. If you have 3 bedrooms and 4 kids the it sensible for smallest two to share the larger room and the older ones to have smaller room each. If it was your DD you’d just say ‘let’s look for exciting decoration!’

Of course yanbu. Your husband is an idiot, tell him it's happening and then offer your DSD an obnoxiously overpriced barbie/whatever 7 yos like these days in addition to the room as a way of rewarding how wonderful a big sis she will be

I would point out though that we waited until LO was 2 before we changed anything....

So much advice against making big room changes etc because of baby it is highly likely to cause resentment... DD was likely to blame DS2 for losing her room, he'd already been around 2 years when we changed things so less blame was placed on his arrival.

It was also considered a waste for the newborn who would not use the room to play in to have the large room, while DD who spent great amounts of time playing with her large hoard of existing toys on her floor made very good use of that room.

If you can actually fit 2 cots in the room, I would do that until the twins are old enough to be playing unsupervised in their bedroom.

AIBU to expect step-daughter to move rooms to make room for the new babies? Yes

AIBU to want to find a solution so that everyone in the family gets the space they need without anyone feeling pushed out? No

I think it's how you frame the problem to DH and DSD that makes a difference.

Your step daughter needs to keep her bigger room for now.

I disagree. The longer she has that room, the more she will regard it as "hers' and the more trouble it will be to get her to move.

We've had threads on here with "My DSS has never lived with us since she went to university, but comes to stay for the occasional weekend. She has the largest bedroom and refuses to give it up because it is "her room." Meanwhile, the five children DH and I have together are sleeping leaning on a rope stretched across the box room.*

DH says it will make DSS feel unloved if we make them swap rooms. AIBU to tell her to sling her hook?"

*Slight exaggeration, possibly

Seriously, though - there is no law so strict as The Children's Property Act, which covers rooms, toys, sweets and anything else that has become "theirs" other by gift or by custom and practice.

I'd move her asap. Doing all the letting her pick the colour scheme stuff, etc obviously.

I'm not a monster.

YANBU, remind your dh she is only there eow and the others will be there ft.
Your dh should be thinking all this, not you.
Why is he leaving it up to you?

remind your dh she is only there eow and the others will be there ft.

I wouldn't even go there.

Remind her = and her father - that there's ONE of her, and TWO of the twins. That's more than enough reason.

My eldest son is in the box room which barely fits his bed in, we’ve offered him to swap with his baby brother who’s in a huge room but he’s so attached to his tiny room he won’t move 🙄!! I’ve even recorded him making the decision as I feel like it’s one he’ll regret in a few years. !

@Ribrabrob

Threads like this always make me glad I was never a step kid.

The same decision would need to made if she was the OP's child and lived there full time. My own kids swapped bedrooms for various practical reasons at various times. We just made it as exciting as we could and let them choose things for their 'new' rooms.

It's not really a step issue. It's a family issue.

Yanbu.
My twins have also got the biggest room in my house because they share. It's only logical imo. Two in one room equal the biggest room.

If you can fit twins in smaller room then I'd put them there for couple of year then dsd will be 9 so less toys and you can make her a tween bedroom in the smaller room.

If they are all double rooms then you are overthinking this, plus the 7 yr old is likely, especially as she gets older, to use the room more than any of the younger children. I would leave things as they are especially for your step daughter at least until she is used to the baby and doesn’t feel as though she’s being pushed out.

Change over now before the babies arrive.

Luckily, the babies are going to be in your room at first.

Her old room will be a spare until they need it.

Make the room change an upgrade from her point of view. (Size is not top priority for a 7 year old.)

Very important:
She is not being replaced by the babies
She is excited by her new room

How does she use her room now?

That should give you a clue as to how she is likely to use her room over the next few years.

If shes often in her room, has friends over, has a lot of stuff there, then yes, I think YABU to move her now, before babies even arrive. In this scenario, she does need more room than they will for the first couple of years.

If however she doesn't have a lot of stuff, no friends over nor likely to have, spends most of her time in communal family rooms... then moving now might be the better option.. but...

YABVVVVVU not to have even asked or presumably thought, about actually TALKING to her and finding out what she thinks.

Could you have a chat with her and ask her how she feels, maybe she can choose, swap rooms now, or swap rooms later?

She must be aware that the twins are going to arrive, and that this will mean things change - surely talking to her is the first thing to do!