To expect step daughter to move rooms?

[twinnursery]

Long time lurker but first time poster.

DH has a 7yo DD from a previous relationship. She's with us every other week. We have a 2yo DD together and are expecting twin boys. We live in a 4 bedroom house, all 4 are double rooms. Smallest 2 are identical in size. Currently 2yo is in one of the "small" rooms and 7yo is in the larger one, with me and DH in the master. I think 7yo should be in the other "small" one (but as I said, it's not actually that small) and the twins should be in the bigger room since there will be 2 of them, and they'll be living here all the time. DH thinks the twins should have the smaller room since they're younger. Just to avoid drip feeding, twins will be in our room for around 6 months but I want to sort out bedrooms before we have 2 newborns in the house. Also won't be moving any time soon so would rather have a long term solution now.

YANBU - twins should have the bigger room
YABU - twins should have the smaller room

Firstly what is the actual size difference. You say they're all doubles, so how much difference will the twins being in the smaller room actually be? Or is it more the principle?

2ndly of the two smaller rooms, which is bigger? Would it be possible to move her and the 2yo so she doesn't feel it's jsit about her getting pushed out? It'll mean an extra room to decorate but it might help.

Finally if you wanted to keep a guest room could you and DH move into one of the smaller rooms and leave the twisn behind in your room? So decorate yours now as a nursery and the spare for you, then move the furnishings over when they're 6 months?

Bribery. You either either offer her new, grown up, cool furniture/decor. Or you offer her something else she wants. Like moving rooms and you buy her one of those awful overpriced LOL doll houses to go in it? Make a big deal about it being a reward for being such a good sister and so understanding. Really big her up about what a lovely girl she is. Or you could flat out give her a budget and let her choose what she wants. new furniture, new toys etc. It would be lovely for her and her Dad to sit down together and plan it all out.

The key is making into a positive prospect. Don't phrase it as a question, make it a done deal. But soften the blow with the reward and lot's of reassurance and compliments.

Despite the twins not needing the space yet I think it’s better to get the change over done now, before all the chaos of two infants and the inevitable loss of time and attention that brings for the older two girls.

I agree with giving her choices, but don’t put keeping her current room on the list - give her a choice of sharing with her half sister or taking a smaller room for herself.
When she inevitably chooses the smaller room, make the redecoration a family priority, give her lots of input (although again, make it ‘x or y?’ So that she doesn’t pick ABC as that can create a new battle ground). Don’t shop for the twins nursery in the same trips, get her room completely finished before turning to their’s.
You need her to feel that she is gaining from giving something up, not that something is being taken from her, aren’t ‘her and her sister lucky that they each have their own room, when her brothers will have to share forever‘ that kind of thing. Help her to think in the long term and encourage her to use some critical thinking skills (if she’s in yr 2 they’ve been doing fractions, so you could even encourage her to use some maths skills in working out that long term, even in the slightly smaller room, she’ll still have more personal space than her brothers when the bigger room is divided by two and they are the age she is now etc etc).

If you leave it till the boys are toddlers/pre schoolers and she’s a tween it will be far, far harder on all of you!
The only way I would recommend leaving it is if you plan to move house before the twins turn 3 - that way you could all move into the new place into new rooms together. If you are staying in this house long term do it before time, attention and resources get inevitably eaten into by the twins.

(I have two natal children, 20 & 8 and a stepdaughter of almost 14 so I have learned by my own mistakes how to manage the emotions of a blended family whilst also keeping parental order and not getting guilted into stupid purchases with no longevity! Believe me, I had to make some mistakes before I learned )

Sorry Re you having the smaller double I mean get the girls to share and the boys to share and then keep one room for guests/toys

@Jellybeansincognito

Definitely, when you factor in the need for space to do school work, when they gain an interest in their appearance and want a vanity unit, somewhere to do their hair etc. They have more ‘stuff’ so need more storage.

@TinySleepThief

There is no way a single child will have more stuff than the twins. They will have 3 beds, not to mention needing spacr to store clothes, toys and other bits and pieces for 2 children.

Its hardly like the SD will be being shoved into a box room a double room is absolutely plenty big enough for 1 child.

Blackmail? I think you need to get a dictionary.

It's just facts.

It's just a bloody room, not like she is being turfed out. I didn't have a room to myself until I bought my own flat.

I see both sides of the argument. I would be concerned about her feeling pushed out. But I equally understand it’s easier to do this now from a practical POV.

I would, however, wait a little while longer or else you’ll be buying new furniture for your dsd more than once. I realise you can’t wait until she’s in secondary but my dd had a whole new bedroom when she was 11. Very grown up, more teen style ie no unicorns etc. Her tastes changed a lot between 8 and 10 then again at 11.

If the room is big enough for example, you could fit a double bed in her new room, which guests could stay in. In a year or so your dsd may be past the pink, frilly, little girl stage (if that’s what she likes now) so you may get away with making the room more grown up and accessorise a plainer duvet cover with a throw and cushions etc of her choice.

@WaxOnFeckOff

Blackmail? I think you need to get a dictionary.

It's just facts.

It's just a bloody room, not like she is being turfed out. I didn't have a room to myself until I bought my own flat.

It's not "facts" at all.

Using a statement like that to a 7 year old child would absolutely be emotional blackmail and would be a guarantee of her being resentful of the twins.

The twins have a double room. That's plenty of space for two babies who'll be doing nothing other than sleep in their room for the next 18 months-2 years. Rather than a bigger child who'll likely be spending even more time than usual in her room over the same period

@Jellybeansincognito

Your step daughter will need more space than your twins in the coming years.

I don’t think you should turf a child out of their bedroom just because you’ve chosen to have more children.

Because she's a girl?? Atm my twins share a wardrobe etc but there's still twice as many clothes as I had for DS. Two beds instead of 1 and it's years before I'd trust one in an upper bunk. Two lots of toys and games and junk. Should girls always be given the biggest rooms?

As someone with a toddler and baby twins I would suggest doing the move ASAP. You will have no time or energy to manage it once they’re here. The twins will need the bigger room, you don’t need the hassle of swapping back and forth when you have 4 kids to sort. Offer for her to redecorate as others have suggested and buy her some nice things of her choosing to convince her!

Of course dsd should take the smaller room. Decorate it all lovely for her, let her make some key choices. She still has her own room, this is no big deal, it just needs to be sold properly. She will no doubt need lots of love and reassurance when the twins arrive - you are right to do this now, long before they appear, so that her new room is all sorted for her.

YANBU If your dsd was you bio daughter she would be moving in to the smaller double room now. No eye brows would be raised at all.

Little girls normally get excited about decorating, new bedding ect.. I know my 7 year old dd does.

In this case I think the adults are over thinking it and this is coming from some one that had a real life wicked step mother who made me sleep in a room with Thomas the tank engine wall paper because I pissed her off and I lived there full time!

I would put the twins in the nearest bedroom to your bedroom, regardless of which is bigger. If you do need to move her then I would do it now and explain the reason of they need to be by you when they cry in the night, plus give her free reign of how she decorates.

Of course it facts and not coercion at all. The choice that the child makes is up to her and makes no difference really to the OP. There are advantages and disadvantages to either party with each choice.

That's how life works.

No I don't think YABU.

The twins will need more space as they get older and I'd argue that trying to move DSD in 4 years or so when she's a tween will be far more difficult than doing it now.

I don't really see your DH's issue if I'm honest.

It's not like she's being asked to move to a tiny box room - it's still a double room all to herself.

@WaxOnFeckOff

Of course it facts and not coercion at all. The choice that the child makes is up to her and makes no difference really to the OP. There are advantages and disadvantages to either party with each choice.

That's how life works.

It's blackmail. To a child.

Absolutely hideous thing to do to a small child whose life is about to be upturned massively

Twins definitely shoukd get the biggest room.
I would tell sd that we can re-decorate the other smaller room for her, make it a positive thing that she looks forward to, getting a nice new room.

@WitchDancer

I would put the twins in the nearest bedroom to your bedroom, regardless of which is bigger. If you do need to move her then I would do it now and explain the reason of they need to be by you when they cry in the night, plus give her free reign of how she decorates.

Actually, unless you have just a tiny landing that you're all angled off, screw all the other advice and listen to this 😂😂. You want the middle of the night wakers closest to you, at 6 months they'll possibly still be having an overnight feed and then there's teething. I'd def keep them near. It's much harder to just plonk them in bed with you at 5 am when there's 2 of them

something doesn't become blackmail just becasue you say it is, Read a dictionary. Oh and over-reaction much?

This is a child that presumably has 2 bedrooms, and already has at least one younger sibling and lots of caring and loving adults

Children don't need pussyfooting around, they should be loved and confident enough to see this as a practical issue and nothing else.

If they aren't already, then this is not really about bedrooms is it?

If she's a reasonably sensible child she will get the maths.

She has two bedrooms, her new siblings will have half a room each, so she is so much better off than them, even if her new room is a bit smaller.

Wax I see we think alike.

Your step daughter will need more space than your twins in the coming years

I think this heavily depends on the nature of the children. From those in favour of older children taking up more space, there is a lot of talk of desks, vanity tables, friends coming over, toys with small parts that need to be kept away from the babies. Well, my stepson is 7, and he very rarely plays in his room as he generally wants to play with others, he never has friends here as we live in a different town and it's just not the set up. He wouldn't use a desk by himself, he needs an adult there to get him to do any school work. All the toys he has could easily fit into a cupboard in a single bedroom (by nature of them being the kind of toys with small parts, they are relatively small compared to DDs huge clunky toddler toys.) Meanwhile, we're having to do what would probably be unthinkable to most on MN and store several of DDs larger things in his room, because of the very dilemma OP is describing. DSS is in the double second bedroom (which also has the best storage in the house) and we put DD in the box room for all the reasons mentioned on this thread - she doesn't play in there odn her own yet etc etc. Well, by her first birthday and Christmas she had accumulated a ball pit tent, a rocking horse and a little desk and chairs, none of which fit anywhere in the house except DSSs bedroom, so that's where they are. Realistically, it would be a lot more practical for everyone if it was the other way around, only now he has got used to the set up and would probably be more sad to switch.

I don't think you should turf a child out of their bedroom just because you've chosen to have more children

See this reveals a pretty odd way of thinking imo. ALL of the children have what their parents are able to provide for them. The bedroom is not the child's god given right and parents don't have to tiptoe around their older children when they have another child as though it's some sort of shameful affront to them. All the children need to learn to accept being a part of a wider family, not taught to believe their parents have done something wrong by having more children and they must never be inconvenienced by them in any way.

YANBU

But never say it is because she isn’t there all the time.

It’s because there are two of them & they will need to share. Lucky her to have her very own room.

I voted you are being unreasonable. Your young step daughter is having to deal with the change of three new siblings and you want her to move rooms on top of that. You said yourself twins will be with you for 6 months - wait until after then.

Gosh, I'm youngest of 7, imagine if my eldest brother was never to be inconvenienced because my parents had younger DC. Was he to sit as lord of the manor while the rest of us piled into another room together or should my parents have bought progressively bigger houses so we all had a room each?