DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

You're not being unreasonable. I can completely see why you wouldn't want to move. Is it possible for you and your kids to go and stay there for a month or so in the summer to see what you think of it?

If you don't want to , or if you try it and hate it, tell him that you told him you didn't want to move, you asked him not to up his offer, and he's just going to have to let it, as he said he would.

They haven't exchanged yet so it's unlikely. I think it'll be ready to move into at the end of August which given DS1 starts secondary in September isn't great timing!

Its ridiculous to expect you to up and move from your support network without a discussion. Especially with a fledgling business and small children.

He can rent out it to cover mortgage thus keeping it as an investment.

He can still pull out of the sale unless you have exchanged contracts (and even then he’s not obliged to complete, but may have to pay damages)

Or he can rent it out but that’s tricky if you want to buy in your area later on.

But he must drop the subject and not harp on about it.

Otherwise you’ll have to divorce, but that would probably mean him selling this house any splitting the proceeds with you anyway.

Well he now owns a house so that’s something ticked off his list. Doesn’t mean you have to all actually live there, it could be rented out or if you feel that strongly maybe he should withdraw his offer. Don’t move unless you want to or you’ll just be miserable, there is a lot to be said in having family close by and it would be an upheaval for the kids especially at the moment.
Stay firm and tell him that’s your final say on the matter, it might even eliminate some of your anxiety.

You went to look at the house and said you liked it, what has changed to put you off it so much?

@penelopeplums

You went to look at the house and said you liked it, what has changed to put you off it so much?

Looking at a house and saying that it was nice is hardly the same as wanting to buy it and relocate.

Tbh I think you need to break up with him OP. His behaviour is making you ill, and he's completely dismissing your opinion. A loving partner wouldn't be doing this to you.

If you go you'll hate him for it and be stuck in an area you hate living in.

I would start saying things that make it quite clear you expect him to let the property out and not even entertain any talk of moving.

I don't understand why you went to view properties when you don't want to move.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable to not want to move but equally, your DP isn't being unreasonable to not want to live somewhere he hates.

I think you bear some responsibility for going to look at properties 3 hours from where you live when you're not really wanting to move

And in telling you you’re being ridiculous he’s undermining your feelings every single time and not actually listening to your concerns. If he says it again just calmly say that from your perspective you’ve said how you feel and that he’s being ridiculous.

I think I do like it but was also feeling very pressured into liking it as he can be very full on and persuasive.

Having thought about it then it's not the right choice for me or the kids however much he wants it to be.

Current house is rented but tenancy is solely in my name.

Firstly, I'm sorry that you are feeling so awful. If the stress is affecting you this badly then please go and get some help from your GP.

YANBU in the slightest. Whatever his intentions, what your DP did was incredibly selfish, especially as you specifically asked him not to up the offer and to wait.

I agree with PP who said that he simply has to rent it out. Get the pressing issue off of the table for the moment to enable you to clear your head. And then I think you need a serious conversation with him about trust, respect and partnership, I'm afraid.

Looking at a house and saying that it was nice is hardly the same as wanting to buy it and relocate.

Going to look at houses to buy is a fair indication of a willingness to move

I'd let him live there then. Presume he's got a job that transfers there ?

Looking at a house and saying that it was nice is hardly the same as wanting to buy it and relocate.

If you didn't want to relocate and didn't want to buy the house then why would you be looking? I get that OP doesn't want to move but sometimes we have to move, I live in a town that wasn't of my choosing in a house that I didn't particularly like but it was what was best for my family so I went with it and made the best of it. Sometimes it's what we need to do.

Also I didn't know we were viewing properties as such. He said his friend up there had a mannequin I could have for my business (funnily enough he didn't) and whilst we were there he showed me some areas then said he had a viewing booked.

Have you told him all the things you've said in your OP here?

A loving committed partner doesn’t make arbitrary decisions without the full consent and knowledge of his partner.

If you don’t want to move, Start planning your life alone.

Why not ask him to pull out if the sale then? Or maybe buy a holiday cottage somewhere cheap so you don’t have to uproot your lives but he’s got his property (I really can’t understand people like this but I appreciate it’s a brutish peasant in the field lord in the Manor House thing but seriously, why? it’s maddening).

If my dp bought a house without my permission and started badgering me to move into it at the expense of my support network and career, he'd be my ex.

Yes everything. I've also said that DS1 has finally got friends here etc and is settled- his ADHD has made friendships a challenge before but apparently he'll settle anywhere.

Hmm tricky.
You say he hates it where you currently are, and that’s obviously true as he’s offered on this other house. So it’s not really unfair just to point blank refuse to even consider moving.

On the other hand, your reasons are just as valid and you shouldn’t be forced to move.

Best thing would be to pull out of this house and have a proper discussion about what you both want in the future.
Logistically staying near both your families, and the children’s schools is the sensible choice.
But you can’t ignore the fact that he apparently hates it.

So you have separate finances. You live together? If the house solely in his name? You've been together a long time and he's the father to your children?

Surely you both should have agreed on what house to buy!! Can he not pull out of the sale?

He can't expect you and the children to uproot your lives without discussion