DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

I think you are giving him mixed messages rather than pure "no."

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

Yeah, at this point I think op's message is pretty bloody clear.

Dont know why people are beating OP up for viewing property. I could view a Ferrari doesnt mean i am going to buy it.
She has every right to go and view to see if it changes her mind on the matter, it didnt, she told her DP and he went ahead and bought it anyway! He is the one at fault here.
I agree with PP about broken record: give him the 3 options, none of which involve you moving, and refuse to debate it any further.

Op you are in another abusive relationship. He is bullying you.

You hold the power here which is the saving grace. He can't make you move.

Maybe have a chat go women's aid. Some confrontation is going to be inevitable unfortunately.

And to those questioning how it's got this far, he's clearly trying to manipulate the op so go easy on her.

Thank you. I know I sound fucking weak when in real life I'm generally a bit gobby and stand up for everything I believe in.

But yeah. I'm terrified of the confrontation. Telling him to fuck off is on the tip of my tongue but I'm nervous.

I'm going to a friends tonight for a drink so will try and make a get out as easy as possible plan.

Thank you for all of the responses. I think I needed others to agree that his behaviour was massive red flags because he'll convince me otherwise.

And for the last time- saying a house was nice 10 mins after viewing it means fuck all. I say that Marc Jacobs new collection is nice but I'm not committing to wearing it forever.

Apart from anything else, even if the OP went to look at a few houses and made some noises about one of them, who the hell in their right mind puts an offer in on a house without discussing it with their partner first. She told him she didn’t want to move and he’s put an offer in on a house a three hour drive away. That’s nuts.

You are not weak. You are afraid.

BIG difference.

You don't avoid where this is headed by staying with him though, unfortunately.

Has he bought there because it’s cheap? You’ve got to think about autumn and winter there, nothing going on?

Hell no. I will firmly admit OP that I have never really understood peoples need to stay local to family (total handsup that mine is dysfunctional and I always ensure the m25 is between me and the nearest close relative) but let's get this straight

He manipulated you into viewing the houses (claims of a mannequin for your business then sprung it on you)

Is clearly overtaking you and being full on

Specifically increased his offer when you asked him not to

Is prepared to move DC against your better judgement before a big change like going to secondary school?

Well right now is the time to decide what you need to do. I absolutely understand how you ended up this far along I really do. However now is the time to decide what to do...no more going with the flow, either he moves up alone or he pulls out. You are concerned about hurting him but he sure as hell wasn't remotely concerned about hurting you?

You are concerned about hurting him but he sure as hell wasn't remotely concerned about hurting you?

This a hundred times.

@Doodar I live in a seaside town and there's loads going on in autumn and winter. Strange view to have.

Op - why are you arranging a get out plan? It's him that is getting out. Just tell him to leave. It's easy. He buys the house, he buggers off.

Also what I didn't consider was that the NHS and SEN provision/support would be so much worse where we moved to. Fortunately not really a concern for us but I was incredibly shocked at how different is.

Housing is usually much cheaper due to lack of job opportunities etc.

Because saying "you need to leave" could open up threats, screaming and things getting broken. Having a plan so if my friend doesn't hear an update from me tomorrow eve when I tell him etc gives me added peace of mind. Having a grab bag so I can take the kids to my mums if he kicks off etc.

He's not listening to you. You don't have to say fuck off, just a firm no and stick to it.
He can't make you do something that you don't want to do. Listen to your gut.

Wow, it's not just a move, it's a complete upheaval! Your DP has completely ridden roughshod over you and your children to achieve his goal of owning a home.

As others have posted, have you told him how sick the stress is making you? If he insists on moving would you be prepared to split over this?

Your last message about your fear of what will happen when you go against what he wants is every reason to leave this relationship

Fully prepared to split. Think I'd prefer it but it's scary. I've been with him since I was 18, not lived alone etc.

I don't want to hurt him or be the reason he has to leave his kids purely because I don't want to move.

He doesn't care about hurting you, so stop caring about hurting him. Do not treat him better than he treats you.

Keep your resolve not to go. I let myself be railroaded into moving when I did not want to. Almost three years later and I still feel completely destroyed by it. It's ruined who I am. I cannot describe the feeling of utter aloneness. It is very hard to make friends again at this time of life. I have no sense of people or place I feel connected to. It's destroyed my sense of self for letting this happen to me, its destroyed my sense of self because I am connected to nothing. And I will never forgive myself for the impact on the kids. That is the worst, utterly unbearable part.
If he cared one shit about you, I mean about you, not what he wants you to give to his life or to him, but about YOU for your sake, he would not be asking this, let alone railroad you into it.

Keep strong, don't go, and I really think you need to find a way to end it with this man. This is a bad relationship.

He sounds like a knob. Doesn’t matter if you went to viewing and said it was nice. You then changed mind. And now he’s bought it?! Wtf? You’re right to be annoyed. What would happen if you did say duck off.

He cried before when I said I didn't want to go. Said he doesn't want to lose his family. But it's him making that choice isn't it?

Its absolutely him making that choice. He behaves as if the house means more to him than his family. If that's the case let him go (and it seriously sounds like the tears are self pitying )

Your DP sounds like a bully.

You're not forcing him to lose his family. He's choosing to leave it.

Sorry, OP, I didn’t realise he was the wall-puncher, I thought that was an ex. Yes, it’s absolutely him losing his family, but not just because of the house issue. You haven’t done this.

YANBU but wanting to kill yourself over it is very extreme and maybe you need some medical help.

He says that I'm choosing to live in my middle class bubble over our family etc.

I'm not. I'm choosing my children's security and familiarity.

Gosh, OP, this gets more horrendous with each update. What's clear is that you MUST prioritise your wellbeing and that of your kids, particularly if one has ASD. Above the unilateral and selfish wishes of your partner. If it means letting him go then you'll have to let him go, and by the sounds of it all I don't think you'll be missing much.