DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

Even if you didn't get legal aid it wouldn't matter anyway. He's be the one that needed to apply to the court for permission to remove the children, and it would be easy enough to demonstrate that the move wasn't in their best interests.

But given that to make that court application he'd have to stump up a few hundred quid, and he doesn't actually want them anyway, it won't happen.

It's not like he's going to get his trips to London with kids to look after!

You've left him in no doubt of your intentions, so be wary from now on. Quiet resolve is the best, now, because he sounds the sort to keep pulling you into an argument. Don't bite but do keep quietly planning.

He's cried a lot. Lots of apologies. Begging. I've said that I'm not going to change my mind.

OP,

He is a violent pig.

Be prepared to call the police.

Get him out.

Protect yourself.

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

He's cried a lot. Lots of apologies. Begging. I've said that I'm not going to change my mind.

Abusers do a truly pathetic blubbing act when they're called out, don't they? Keep your tiny violin in your pocket, mind!

My ex dh did this to us. We moved there, was miserable, I now have a new dh and we moved back to what I consider home.

And if he gets arrested for domestic abuse, that'll have more effect upon his clearance - which would be entirely his fault for being an abusive prick.
This sounds about right. You should call the police the second he starts anything.

He's following the script. Apologising, begging, pleading, lovebombing, etc. When that doesn't work, he'll get nasty. Accuse you of being mental, threaten to get custody of the kids. He won't want the kids, and you'll be lucky if he actually does have them EOW, and he will probably refuse to pay maintenance.

Just ignore everything he says, don't let it get to you. Contact Women's Aid, and if he becomes violent, ring the police to remove him.

Even if you were open to it, you are allowed to change your mind. really concerning he would do such a big thing when you asked him not to.

Stick to your guns OP. Dumping this piece of shit is definitely the right thing to do.

He's gone to a friends for a few days whilst he figures out where to stay until his house is ready.

It was calm to be honest. Will stay on my guard.

Thank you all

I would sort out your finances ASAP.

Ring CMS and start a claim, put in a single person UC claim etc.

Well done, stay strong

And change the locks

I've done my UC claim. Telephone appointment with an advisor on Thursday. Hopefully then I can get an advance for the rent and everything will be sorted there.

He has left voluntarily, as you are not married, if he isn’t on the tenancy change the locks.

Phone CMS too, he won't pay willingly...

If he hates where you live OP, and has similar feelings to you, but opposite obviously, is it fair to say that may be why he is pushing it?

Never mind, I didn't see 12 more pages 🤦🏽‍♀️

Got a UC advance that just covers the rent. Shitting it that that's my monthly payment as it's literally just the rent amount. Hoping that they just need to clarify more etc as the calculators all said a different figure 🤦‍♀️

Will call a locksmith tonight. Just gone to pick up some dinner. Bloody drained.

Well done for standing firm and telling him it's over. Brilliant that he's moving out and you will change the locks. Good for you.

About Universal Credit. I would be happy to check the amount for you (I advise on benefits among other things). Are you claiming Carer's Allowance? I know you said that you get DLA for your son so you should qualify for Carer's Allowance. And if you would like me to do the UC calculation, I would need to know the ages of your children - feel free to PM if you'd prefer not to share that on the thread. (Also to work out the housing element of your claim ie whether all of your rent would be covered, I would need to know how much rent you pay and either your local authority, or your Local Housing Allowance if you're happy to look it up at lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/ - you would need to put in 3 bedrooms and your local authority or postcode.)

You're amazing for getting rid of him. Well done.

You really need to start a claim for child maintenance as they won't backdate it.

@AnotherEmma

I don't mind it being on here. Rent is £800. LHA rate for 3 bed is £797.
DCs are 11 (m), 10 (f) and 6 (m). DS gets lower rates for care and mobility (used to be mid care but they changed it) so no carers allowance.
I'm self employed but bring in around £400 a month. Will obviously work on upping that now it's just me!

The advance was £797.

Thanks for the info! I have done the calculation and worked out that your Universal Credit should be £2020 per month - this is based on you earning £400 but obviously if you earn more, your UC will be a bit less, and if you earn less, your UC will be a bit more.

When you claim UC as a self-employed person, you have to report your earnings every month. See www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/universal-credit/on-universal-credit/reporting-self-employed-earnings/

In normal circumstances, the "Minimum Income Floor" (which is a rule about the amount you are supposed to earn as a self-employed person) would apply, but you don't have to worry about this for now. Currently it's been suspended due to coronavirus. You also qualify for an exemption for 6 months because you're a single parent who has been subject to domestic abuse (to qualify on this basis you would need some evidence of the abuse). If and when this rule does eventually apply to you, your caring responsibilities would be considered, and I think it's likely that you would be expected to work 16h/w and earn about £600/month - but as I said, you won't have to worry about that for quite some time.

What you can do immediately is get money off your council tax. You should apply for two things: the single person discount (which you are eligible for from the date your ex moved out) and Council Tax Reduction (also called Council Tax Support by some councils). Look on your local council's website for the online application forms, single person discount is usually in the Council Tax section and CTR is usually in the benefits section.

Proud of you OP.. you did well standing your ground and finally saying No 🌺