DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

He cried before when I said I didn't want to go. Said he doesn't want to lose his family

Oh fuck off - that's what mine did. Don't fall for it. You are your own person with your own life. You don't exist to facilitate his life.
It's manipulative shite.

I think the wanting to kill myself was just this is the easiest way out of this mess. It's passed now thankfully as it was horrific and I'm not at risk of doing it.

Okay, the more I have read, the more you need to end this. Punching holes in the wall is enough.

You have bad credit. If you move up there and then want to come back you may well be stuffed. Friend will have relet the house, you may not get a council place and bad credit will make it hard to rent, especially if you need benefits (despite the ruling, landlords will still favor the employed).

You are not married, house will be his and you will be in a precarious situation. You would be mad to go.

And yes, don't let him make out that this is all your choice. It patently is not.

Thank you. This is the kick up the ass I need and the shaking some sense into me.

I've said we need to chat about it tomorrow. I'm going to speak to womens aid tomorrow morning. I haven't given up the kids school places or anything so that's ok.

No way would I randomly move miles away when my kids were settled in school, I liked where I lived and I had family support near by. Not a chance.

I suspect that if you go you'll resent him and be forever thinking about how happy you are where you live now.

Perhaps your dp has to go alone.

He is a selfish knob to say the least! Shocking behaviour and you should kick him out.

He hasn't bought a house. He's put an offer on a house which can be withdrawn, so no harm done, except letdown and inconvenience to the seller. You need to be near family and in a settled place for the children so moving is not the right thing and you cannot do it. The place you mentioned is on the east coast that may be being washed away by the sea and if so he can't buy and move there either. Property may be cheap there for that reason among others. Don't despair just yet. Nothing is lost. You are safe where you are.

Well I hate to tell you this but he almost certainly has ADHD too. Its genetic & this kind on impulsivity is exactly how it works.

See if you can get out of the deal & tell him youll start looking near where you are together. Hes not allowed to do this & you mustnt let him.

It was her ex that punched holes in the wall, as I read it.

He can't make you do anything.

And it's not a relationship when one partner doesn't listen to the other - that's a dictatorship.

You know what you need to do

Just read your updates

Use this as the perfect excuse to end your relationship with him.

He's appalling

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

He's not used to hearing no. He happily admits that he'll manipulate people to his way of thinking etc.

I totally get that he wants to buy. Truly I do. But I feel fucking steamrollered into this and every discussion ends with him saying I'm being ridiculous

So he admits that he is a manipulative prick.

It seems to me that it is about time he got used to hearing the word no. Stop telling him that you “don’t want” to move there. Start telling him that you “absolutely WILL NOT be moving at all” and that he had better get used to that.

If he wants to buy the house then he buys it on his own. If he wants to move there then he can do so ON HIS OWN! Otherwise, if he buys it he can rent it out.

Tricky. I get wanting to move closer to home. I had the same and ended up splitting up, but not just for that reason. But he’s bullying you even if he does miss home

If he won't see the children, that's on him.
If he moves into the house, that's on him.

Cannot understand the mentality of some.

He deceived her to get her to the house he was interested in.
Aw come on babe, we're here now, might as well have a look.

And of course, after going somewhere under false pretences you think sod it I'm here now, because it makes sense.

It's just like window shopping.

Moving will. put you in a very vulnerable position.
Hours away from the support needed
Name isn't on the mortgage, so just like you can now, he can easily kick you out.

No discussion about finances, just what you will both pay and to go cap in hand when you need money.

If he wants to buy a house, good for him. Doesn't mean you all have to follow like the good little obedient family.

Have you ever heard of the freedom program? If not, might be a good time to look into it to help give you the courage you need to say no I'm not going. How is this in the best interests of the children?

His reasons are all about him. When you moved previously you did this for the children, absolutely nothing wrong with that. Even throughout your posts, it's obvious this isn't just about you it's about how the children will be impacted. Nothing wrong with this. Why uproot children who are happy and settled on the whim of one parent?

Or, of course, you could dump him.

Yes relationships are about compromising and if he isnt happy just as much as you are not happy about moving then something should be done about it. HOWEVER I think alot of the posts here are missing the bigger picture. The ops husband has gone ahead and put his own needs before her and their family. He done things in a sly and manipulative way, therefore NO she does not need to consider what he wants anymore since he clearly isnt doing that for her. She is suffering here. She is also thinking of what's best for her children. I would honestly in your shoes op just stand my ground, dont bend over and give in to what he wants. If the place your currently in is under your name at least you know you have that secure and your not cornered into going with him. If his urge to move is that great that he is willing to leave his family behind then let him, that would be on him and no one else.

Wtf?! Just no. If he's so keen then he moves and you stay put. It's not right for you and not right for the kids. If he chooses to prioritise what's right for him over you and his dc's then that's on him.

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

Also I didn't know we were viewing properties as such. He said his friend up there had a mannequin I could have for my business (funnily enough he didn't) and whilst we were there he showed me some areas then said he had a viewing booked.

This just smacks of him trying to hoodwink you which presumably means he knows you aren't keen.

If you are going to stay with him, I would suggest adopting the broken record technique. Practice saying, 'I made it clear that I didn't want to move and that hasn't changed, please stop asking'.

It doesn't bode well, it's the sort of thing he's going to throw in your face every time you mention anything slightly negative about your lives now.

Ex battered and raped me.

DP has punched a hole in the kitchen cupboard (told him I wouldn't abort DC3), smashed a hole in the landing wall (think the kids were playing up), threw a gin glass at the wall (DS1 not listening), kicked a dent into the fridge (can't remember why) and threw a coffee table at the wall (didn't like me chatting to a bloke on my uni course- purely friendship but he thought otherwise)

No incidents for a year or so.

Yes he has ADHD. Never formally diagnosed but it's definitely there.

He won't get counselling etc. Apparently it will affect his security clearance and he'll lose his job.

You might have been together 13 years but this is not a partnership in any sense of the word.

OP, he knows you're not happy. I think it'd be only reasonable on both sides to go and view again, sooner rather than later. I think this will help you it'll either be a complete no, but you might come away finding positives.

OP, I don't understand the mindset of some of the people on here encouraging you to move, or for that matter, the ones saying don't move, but you must divorce him!
Of course you shouldn't go when you and your children are happy and settled where you are, and both sets of grandparents are both nearby. He also only wants to move to that area because it is the only place he can afford that is big enough for you as a family, but his main concern is that he wants to invest in a proprrty. Well his problem on that front is solved as he is already willing to rent out the house anyway. As he hasn't exchanged contracts yet he can withdraw the offer without any financial penalty, and buy a nice one, or two bedroom flat in your area, and rent that out instead. It means that he will have a foot on the property ladder, and be close enough to keep an eye on it. It also means that he wouldn't keep nagging you to move into it, as it wouldn't be suitable for you all as a family.

Ugh battered sounds flippant but I was 15-17 when I was with him and it was very physical. Unsure how else to describe it and don't want to list it because it was years ago and there's nothing to gain from dragging it up.

Why even go and look so far away in the first place?

Not sure why it couldn't have been nipped in the bud much earlier