DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

Dear OP,

I’m sorry your partner is putting you in this position, it’s really not fair. I would stick to your guns, the detrimental impact on your eldest could be huge. Even if you had gone to view willingly, you’re entitled to change your mind. You made it clear you were having second thoughts and he’s ignored you. This is his mess. Sit down with him and explain your feelings to him (easier said than done) and don’t let him persuade you otherwise. The more you post the more unhealthy the relationship sounds and whilst I’m sure you don’t want to lose your partner You and your children come first.

As others have said please get yourself some help and support.

Best wishes xx

If you move the kids up there, the family court will likely support him in refusing to allow you to relocate them back south.

DO NOT DO THIS.

He can impulsively move by himself.

If you’re the sole tenancy holder you can just kick him out, no?

Why does your do hate where you live currently? Seems to be a desire for a change of scene/grass is greener sort of thing? The idea of moving may seem very attractive, but he needs to consider the practical ities for the whole family - settled children being the main thing.

We relocated from SE to NW 6 years ago, both parents need to be 100% on board.

Sounds like your relationship is unpleasant and tbh ending it would be the best thing. He can go live in it and stay at his Mums when he goes to work.

Who knows he may even have the DC every 2/3 weeks for a weekend...

What sort of a person unilaterally makes that sort of decision??

Can he even just rent it out if he buys it? Don't you need a certain kind of mortgage for that?

Apparently if we move he will cover all bills and I'll cover food from the child benefit and DS' DLA. If I need money I can ask him for it

Oh god op, the house stuff aside- that isn't good.

Also, I'm really sorry you've been put in this position x He should withdraw his offer and work/discuss with his family in more detail first.

Oh the money thing, split up now. Asking for money if you really need it! NO.

Based on OP alone, I thought he sounded very manipulative. It's very lucky your current home is in your name. Can you afford to live there as a single parent?

What's the plan with schools in the new town? Places all applied for and secured? Kids looking forward to it? Arranging all that is much more than just buying a house.

It does seem incredible that plans have got so far without the two of you properly discussing this, or agreeing anything. It does sound a really tricky situation, where he dislikes the current place and you love it. Lots to discuss and work through. Compromise has to be agreed though, it cannot be enforced.

He hasn't exchanged, he can pull out. Then you can start talking. He'd need to listen and compromise though. He doesn't sound like someone who's willing to do that. For that reason, it's hard to see any way forwards for you as a couple.

DON’T GO!

It doesn’t matter who said what. You don’t believe this is your kids or your best interests so don’t do it. You and the kids are happy and settled where you are and you have family to support you.
It’s a shame he’s not happy but he should be putting his family first.

He's completely unreasonable to make such a rash decision on his own about something that will have such a big input on your family.

Unless the schools in the new area are undersubscribed (which isn't a good sign) you're going to have difficulties getting them into a school for next year, so basically your eldest is going to start a new school, then be taken out and start another new school and maybe have a long journey as most schools are full up in September so could end up anywhere in the area. This is difficult enough for most students let alone a child with ADHD.

Just on that basis alone, I'll be telling his to pull out of the sale or piss off and live on his own. Totally unreasonable and selfish behaviour from your DH.

impact not input!

It's Withernsea. There's places at the primary but secondary won't say if there's space until I apply for it.

Obviously once my business gets going

What's your business? I'd just be weary on putting all your ducks in this basket.
Now is not exactly a good time for independent business owners with no real capital backing them.

I'm sorry OP. This is is not a sound relationship.

I think you've got some decisions to make, probably that don't include him.

He hasn't thought about you at all.

Do you think the moving away from friends and family could be from a more sinister, manipulative motive? Deliberatly isolating you from sources of support?

Some people on this thread are being ridiculous. You don't move area just because you viewed a house and liked it. People can look at houses to try and get a feel for an area, to contemplate what it might be like to live there. Doesn't commit them to the first pile of bricks they quite like.
Even if OP had loved it and been seriously keen to move, he shouldn't have put an offer in without a full discussion and her complete consent.

Tell him to withdraw this offer immediately and that the two of you need to have a thorough and mutual discussion about what to do next, which takes the children's needs into consideration.

The business is vintage clothing (totally outing myself) but I'm also a copywriter and bring in a few hundred currently from that- more when I market myself which I admittedly haven't done over lockdown as homeschooling 2 NT and 1 SN child made working difficult at best.

If you are so against it, I don't understand why you went to the viewing and said house was nice and let him put the offer in the first place, instead of making it clear you don't want to move. Or would you have been ok if the offer was accepted first time?

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

Financially it would be an easy break.

Actually getting him to leave would be considerably more difficult.

Why? You're not married and he's not a tenant.

He seems really manipulative
Work out how you can survive along

The day we viewed I went to bed and a feeling of dread kicked in. Just a total oh fuck this isn't right. Which I told him about.

Don't go. You are unmarried, the tenancy is solely in your name, the new house is solely in his. You would be well and truly shafted if you split.

The timing of this is horrific. Your eldest is about to start secondary school. What is your dp thinking?

You said he is unhappy where you are, clearly he has a mate in the town he wants to move to. Does he have any friends/social life where you are right now? How did you come to be where you are now?

I've said repeatedly before viewing I didn't want to move.

I really dont understand why you went to the effort of viewing houses when it wasnt on the cards.

Either you are being unclear (you arent clear here either), or he isn't listening. One or both of you have a massive communication problem so serious a house you dont want has been bought!!

"Tell him to withdraw this offer immediately and that the two of you need to have a thorough and mutual discussion about what to do next, which takes the children's needs into consideration"

Bollocks to that. Just tell him to go.

We moved out of a grotty council flat in a building where people were doing drugs on the stairs. We now live in middle class surburbia as a friend of a friend was renting this house out and I wanted my kids away from the flats. Sounds snobby but DS1 is very easily led and I could see how he might end up.

He hates it here because "everyone is a sancitimonious stuck up twat".