DP has bought a house I don't want to live in

[TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor]

Firstly, yes this is fucking ridiculous but is true.
Secondly, I've spent all weekend debating topping myself to get out of the stress and mess of this situation so please think before you type.

DP and I have been together 13 years. 3 kids, eldest is 11 and has ADHD.

DP is desperate to own a home. I'm not fussed. We went to view some up north (3 hours from where we are now) as that's what he can afford. I said one was nice. He offered. Offer was rejected. I asked him to wait before he upped the offer as I wasn't sure. He went ahead and bought the fucking place anyway.

It's nice enough. There's a beach. Small town. But I don't want to go. Our lives are here. My kids are settled. My family (and his mum) are 20 mins away. It's a lovely place to raise kids, the school is amazing and the kids can play out safely etc.

We have separate finances. Always have done. I run a small business which earns a bit but still in first few months.

Every time I say I don't want to go he tells me I'm being ridiculous and that nothing will change. Kids will still go to a school, I can pop back and see my friends etc.

I've just said again that I don't want to go and that I hate him putting me in this position. The stress is unbelievable, migraines, wanting to kill myself, feeling sick constantly etc.

AIBU for not wanting to move? What do I do?

He says he can just rent it out but he'll constantly be on at me to move because he hates it here.

Why the drip feed?

He hates it where they are, has everyone missed that? If you can't compromise and find a middle ground then you're not compatible. It sounds to me as though his suggestion he rents the house out is his attempt at compromise.

He's not used to hearing no. He happily admits that he'll manipulate people to his way of thinking etc.

I totally get that he wants to buy. Truly I do. But I feel fucking steamrollered into this and every discussion ends with him saying I'm being ridiculous

So just tell him you are not moving and if he wants to buy that’s his choice, he can rent it out, or go and live there but you are staying put

You mention at the end your DP hates where you currently live. But you don’t want to live somewhere you hate but also expect him to...owning a house is statistically most people’s dream so why are you not fussed about it? Do you have different life goals? You sound like you supported the move somewhat as you viewed the property and said it was nice so he put an offer on it & then upped it to ensure he secured the house you said was nice.

You sound like you don’t like change & your DH wants to get ahead. Is there any reason why your children can’t play outdoors in this new area? Having a beach close by sounds quite lovely.

What bit was the drip feed? I'm answering things as people ask. Apologies if it's drippy but my head is slightly all over the place.

Honestly I do think you also need to consider the fact that he hates it where you are. If he is that unhappy then you may well be heading toward a separation anyway.

I hated the area where one of my boyfriend's lived, I tried but it just made me miserable. He was adamant that he wouldn't move and so I left. There weren't kids in my situation though.

If you have seperate finances and aren't married then i suppose it is up to him if he buys and he will have an asset to leave to your children. He can rent it out, like he said or use it as somewhere to stay for holidays.

@TheseAreTheRichesOfThePoor

I think I do like it but was also feeling very pressured into liking it as he can be very full on and persuasive.

Having thought about it then it's not the right choice for me or the kids however much he wants it to be.

Current house is rented but tenancy is solely in my name.

I would be telling him if he signs he will be moving to it alone.

Ridiculous that he has made he decision to uproot the whole family to a new area without a proper discussion.

Buying a house is probably one of the biggest decisions you will make and he had no business just going ahead without consulting you on this. Whether or not you like or want the house it should have been a joint decision. I would be so mad and angry.

This all seems to be a very strange way for him to go about things. Is the house completely with his own money and can he pay the mortgage?

They can obviously play on the beach etc. From what I've seen of the town it's quite quiet etc.

Owning a home just isn't something I really think about to be honest. I still won't own this one as my credit is bad and I'm not on the mortgage application

I'm fine with change. This just doesn't feel like change for the right reasons. Uprooting 4 happy people for the sake of 1

If the tenancy is in your sole name & your DP has bought a house with his money then it sounds like you’re heading towards a breakup if You can’t agree on what lifestyle you want.

Just be clear. Like a scratched record:

"I am not moving there so what do you want to do?"

Options are:

1. Forget it
2. Go ahead and he moves alone
3. Go ahead and it's purchased as a 'buy to let'

That's it. Those are the choices, ask him to pick one.

Sounds like the relationship has run its course tbh. Maybe start planning for a split.

He's really manipulative isnt he?

Be 100% clear that you WON'T be moving there and that is that, and if he's got any sense he'll pull out.

Madness to even consider a big move unless you are really enthusiastic.

It sounds like it would be the final nail in the coffin of your relationship, you'll be miserable up there, it's HIS HOUSE so basically you'll upend your life to fund HIS ASSET, ie living there and footing bills etc.

Just no.

Ha he did say he would go on his own and it was over. Then the next day continued like nothing had happened and said he refuses to lose his family.

Very manipulative. Trying to stick to facts rather than drag up past behaviour of his as I just needed other views on the moving. But yes. Control issues etc. No physical violence.

Oh and he's been working from home since lockdown which he plans to continue. Said he might go into the London office 2 days a week as I said I didn't think being in each other's pockets 24/7 was the best thing. I also work from home.

Do you want to stay with him?

If you don't want to go then don't go!

He can go but tell him you are staying put. Sounds like it will be an easy break financially anyway as everything is separate.

How does he intend finances to work if you move? You pay him rent?

Can you afford to manage without him?

Op even on here your messaged is mixed. Firstly you say you’re not fussed and told him the house was nice, then you say you really don’t wish to go. Which is it? Because it seems it’s the latter, so why did you tell him originally you were not fussed?

It does appear you were not clear from the start on this, and now are sure you do not wish to go, and he’s steam rollered ahead.

I've said repeatedly before viewing I didn't want to move. Said the house was nice but was on the fence. Asked him not to up his offer before we had spoken. Told him every time he's mentioned it that I don't want to move.

Apparently if we move he will cover all bills and I'll cover food from the child benefit and DS' DLA. If I need money I can ask him for it.

He needs to check a buy to let mortgage is even an option if he's a first time buyer

I've done a universal credit calculator and from that I can manage. Obviously once my business gets going I will be better off but UC will meet rent and bills.

Financially it would be an easy break.

Actually getting him to leave would be considerably more difficult.